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Well, today is day 9 post BU and day 4 NC. I’ve been really good at keeping busy – my routine has been get up, work, go to friends, go home, bed, then do it all over again. I feel like a zombie going through the motions of life – just existing really. I have nothing to look forward to and I feel hopeless. I keep rethinking of what was. I had high hopes. Now I don’t feel like I am going to on… anyone else at this stage of their BU?

 

Need better coping skills. 

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You could perhaps start by setting yourself a goal in self growth, like taking a course or picking up on some sport,.. It is btw absolutely normal that you feel this way, it it only been 4 days! I am 6 weeks in and can't say I'm doing much better than you. I'm existing too.

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Try reading this (on Enhanced No Contact) so that you have some mental and journalling exercises to help you:

 

 

 

You WILL get through this. I've come to this forum time and time again after crumbling breakups. Unfortunately time is slowest for those who suffer, but know that the hurt will end.

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Well from my introspection, what i think is difficult to cope with is not so much the lost of a signifiant other but the lost of your value.

In a relationship, even in an inconscious way (i always thought i was the independent guy) you tend to transfert your selfworth on the other person.

So when this person leave, what happen? Well you lost the things that determine your value. And so you feel worthless.

So what you need to do is to rediscover yourself again, search within and find somethign that comes within you and is not determine by something external, work on what make you unhappy in life. Easy to say right?

But i thinks break up give us a good method for that.

Usually we get a vague reason for the break up "i don't love you anymore" "i slip on his oups" etc etc. So our mind are searching for the true answer. We try to make sens of the break up.

But we will neither know. There is just only one fact. She is gone, she will not come back.

All the answer that your mind will find for the break up are just interpretation, not objective reason for the break up. But here is the great things. It only mean one thing. Those answers have some validity in the sens that it's a reflection of the negative aspect that you don't like about you and perhaps don't even know.

So why not working on those things and see what happens? Perhaps it could lead you somewhere.

 

(PS : this book help me to cope : link removed)

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Lec --- your value should NEVER be determined by someone else or by whether you are in a relationship or not. And if it was/is....then you need a lot of introspection or therapy to understand that confidence/self esteem and validation comes from within and will never be sustainable if their source/foundation is external.

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But it's what i say and i agree with you. Perhaps i didn't express myself well, english is not my native language.

I just mean that sometime this transfert happen, even without you being conscious of the process.

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It doesn't happen subconsciously... you cannot accidentally "lose" yourself into a relationship.

You are actively letting it take over your life. In every relationship the should be 3 entities..your life, their life & the relationships life. By merging your life into the relationship you bestow too much power not on the other person but on the bond.

 

Because you do exist and have value regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.

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I'm about a month post breakup and day 12 of NC. I'm having ups and downs. Today being a down day. Yesterday, I was thinking more in the "its his loss". This morning I woke up thinking about him and cried on my drive to work. As everyone says in this forum, we all need time get past all the emotions and cool down before we even attempt to initiate contact again (or ever). I think for guys, they like to stay busy and try to forget it but eventually it will hit them and they will have to deal with it somehow. For girls, its hits us harder now than later. Hang in there. Everyday seems like an eternity I know but he made a decision. You can't change his mind. It takes time for him to think it through.

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You could perhaps start by setting yourself a goal in self growth, like taking a course or picking up on some sport,.. It is btw absolutely normal that you feel this way, it it only been 4 days! I am 6 weeks in and can't say I'm doing much better than you. I'm existing too.

 

Lucha, ya, I know -- this same guy broke it off in June and then called me after 6 weeks NC. I remember feeling the same at six weeks as I was at the first week. I dont know why this particular guy is very hard to read when it came to us.

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Vaw6 your ex is a scum bucket. No tears for buckets of scum! I know, my ex broke it off then came back very soon after and this time it's been three months of nothing! But you know why? Cause I was going to dump him and he knows it so he got in there and did one final screw job on my head. We need to work out our issues and live and love again. I still feel awful but just think of it as suffering for a good cause. Yourself. It's weird how affected by others you can be if you allow it. I think people will destroy you if you allow it. You gotta fight for your right to party I'm afraid. I think it gets easier the more you do it though I gather x

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Try reading this (on Enhanced No Contact) so that you have some mental and journalling exercises to help you:

 

 

 

You WILL get through this. I've come to this forum time and time again after crumbling breakups. Unfortunately time is slowest for those who suffer, but know that the hurt will end.

 

Thank you this article was very helpful. I am printing it out and carry it with me all the time.

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Vaw6 your ex is a scum bucket. No tears for buckets of scum! I know, my ex broke it off then came back very soon after and this time it's been three months of nothing! But you know why? Cause I was going to dump him and he knows it so he got in there and did one final screw job on my head. We need to work out our issues and live and love again. I still feel awful but just think of it as suffering for a good cause. Yourself. It's weird how affected by others you can be if you allow it. I think people will destroy you if you allow it. You gotta fight for your right to party I'm afraid. I think it gets easier the more you do it though I gather x

 

Cryingalways, so you guys broke up once, then got back together and brokeup again?

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Before this guy you dated another guy for 6yrs, then you went on and met this guy after the break up. Maybe you didnt resolve the issues from your first break up, and you never had time to deal with you. You just went from being one guys girlfriend to the next guys girlfriend, now that you are no longer anyones girlfriend you are at a loss.

You have been dating for the past 7yrs and perhaps you just dont know who you are anymore. We have all gotten lost in other people sometimes and when they go away then we feel like we dont know what to do.

Time for you to discover yourself. You are a zombie because you no longer have a guy to be a girlfriend to. I have friends that are serial daters, never happy with who they are so they would rather be with someone else, then once they brake up, the cycle starts again.

Be happy with who you are. Find things that make YOU happy, not Us happy or what We did, you have to find what YOU like. To discover new lands we must lose sight of the shore. Dont be afraid to discover who you are.

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So true. I appreciate that. Actually I've been someone's gf for like 15 years because one year before my 6 year I had ended a 7 year. I really fight for my relationships. And I don't know what it's like to be alone

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using link removed

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Dont confuse single for being alone. All single means is that you are not committed, or a free agent. It does not mean you are unwanted or not needed. Not by a long shot. All it means is that you are single and not alone. Do you have any friends that are yours and yours alone? Work friends or friends from school? For 15 years you have become a part of someone elses life, well, now its time to enhance yours. Find what makes you happy. All you are doing is taking a vacation from being committed.

Youll find another guy when the time is right. This guy was not for you and thus removed from your life to make room for someone better. If you do the things to make you happy, the things that put a smile on your face then the rest will take care of themselves.. Enjoy this time

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