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How to go about a situation with my mom? Not sure how to respond back to her.


RoxyGril

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Last night I went to go visit my sister, step dad and mom. This was first time I had gone over to visit since August. I do keep in touch with my sister and step dad. My mom however I don't have much contact because of the type of person she is. She is a negative person and nothing good to say. As I have posted many times before on how I haven't had the greatest relationship with her. So, it has become more and more strained and the less I really do want to talk to her. It was hard enough going over there because I feel regret of going over there last night because of my mom. Knowing that my purpose was to see my sister and step dad, it's sad that 1 person can just make you have that feeling. I didn't visit on Christmas Eve or Christmas because both days were pretty busy plans. Told them I will try to get over but I wasn't to sure. Figuring that she would understand, she tries to create drama and getting my uncle to try and convince me to come over. Though I didn't subject myself into the drama she was trying to create, when she needs to be the adult and understand that I can't be to 4 different families homes in 1 day.

 

 

I get a text message this morning from my mom saying 'Your sister is 12 yrs old and you didn't even get her a present.' I haven't responsed to her yet because here goes her doing what she doesn't best (starting drama). I thought by coming to a over and being present was being there for my sister. It made her night so much better, just by seeing the look on her face. I knew it meant a lot to her especially with the major strain going on between our parents. But doing something thoughtful and a bit more meaningful then a gift is apparently not good enough. So, I am not sure if I even respond or not. Just makes my reasoning of not going over more apparent and why I feel better being away from her.

 

So my question is do I respond back to her or just let it be? What would be the best way to handle this situaiton?

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Yeah I honestly was think the same thing. Now it making really regret even going last night. It's stuff like that which make me just be happier on the fact that I don't go over. She always has something to say and she makes sure to rub it in the persons face.

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Ok... so I don't know your history with your family, so maybe I am missing big parts of the story. Maybe I've missed something or you have been going through financial difficulties... but I don't understand how in this post in one breath you are saying that you couldn't go over for Xmas, but in another breath you are saying that going over for Xmas was your "gift" to your sister?

 

I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but I would have found $5 to scrape together to get her a stuffed animal or something. I mean... 12 year olds don't always understand the gift of your presence. I mean... don't you want to see your sister anyways?

 

Personally, I would respond with "Sorry - I was having some financial difficulties (or whatever the reason you didn't get her a present) - but I plan to make up for it. I am planning to bring her to .

 

... but again, maybe there's a whole lot more that I am missing.

 

Sometimes even the most unreasonable people can be reasonable at times. And maybe your mom isn't being nasty for her own sake but because your sister is upset?

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A little a backround with the issue of family. My mom has been emotional abusive not only to me growing up and has been extremely controlling. She isn't being the mom she should be her 12 yr old child, is on the verge of a divorce for a decision to cheat. The list could go on and on. But, she is just a negative person and can't be able to own up to her mistakes, instead its everyone around her that she pondering the fault onto.

 

I am trying to make my presence a gift to her, though I know it meant a lot to her. I can admit that I could've purchased a small gift for her. But, I just find it rude of my mom to text first thing the next morning about getting a gift. What was so wrong with bring it up when I was there and my sister was not in the room? Just find it as her way of causing drama (which she is great at doing) and another reason why I have removed myself away from visiting as often as I should.

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I would ignore your mom's text given her history. Although I have to say as a mother the text about not getting a gift for a younger brother/sister is something I would have done too. And I'm not an abusive mom, just one who is aware of how important Christmas is to the kids. Older siblings will appreciate you visiting them, younger ones usually are still more focused on gifts. However I think you were so worried about your mom and the whole Christmas drama that you probably didn't have a lot of energy or time to put towards gifts. Unfortunately it gave your mom the perfect opportunity to keep the drama going. Since you know she does that a) don't do things that you know will create drama needlessly and b) ignore her/limit contact as you have been doing and c) develop the attitude "that's just Mom" and go about your day. You know what she's like, you know what she does, it sucks but you won't change her so sometimes adopting an "Oh well, whatever" attitude when you have someone like that who you can't always avoid helps.

 

I would not address the text from your mom, but I would contact your sister and talk to her directly to make sure she's not upset. This smooths things over in case your sis is upset or disappointed about not getting a gift (if that's even the case) and it also strengthens your bond directly with her while leaving mom out of the picture. Then if it was indeed a thing for your sister you can address it directly with her, make good on that, and avoid having your mom get involved any further. Then both you and your sister can take the stance, "We handled it ourselves Mom, stay out of it."

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