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Trying to break up for the fifth time


dark angel9

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For the last 10 months I have been involved in a casual relationship with a guy that is much younger than me.

 

He didn't want to offer me any commitment and kept wanting to take things one day at the time and see what happens. I needed more than that so my frustration would hit the roof and I tried to break it off 4 times already. Each time, he would beg and plead and tell me how much he feels for me and I would give in and take him back. He never offered me anymore commitment, he was just extremely resistant to losing me. I have been in situations like this before (where I wanted more commitment) and guys never seemed to care as much. We also have a very close "relationship" where we don't go more than few hours without contact.

 

I am at same point again, lots of fun but no commitment. I am worried that being preoccupied with this guy is stopping me from giving more serious prospects a chance. I am ready to break up and this time for good. I am really tired of all the same old drama in him trying to win me back so I am thinking of just not responding to his contact and fading away. I dread telling him "it's over" yet again and him trying to convince me not to end it. I know fading is cowardly but I see no other options in this situation. I need to move on.

 

Any thoughts?

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I am worried that being preoccupied with this guy is stopping me from giving more serious prospects a chance

 

Of course it is.

 

There's no rule that says you have to listen to him try to convince you, or that you need to be convinced. It has been 10 months, I personally would find disappearing cruel - But I would tell him it is over and then block his emails/texts/calls.

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Doing the same thing over and over again is the definition of insanity..... So perhaps time to do something different? Yes?

 

Tell him it's over, you mean it and then block him. You are not obligated to listen to his whining and begging and pleading and whatever. He is only doing all that because he knows that you will keep doing what he wants if he pushes for it. By the way, not going without contact for more than two hours is NOT close, it's insane, unhealthy and obsessive behavior.

 

You keep repeating same mistakes because you don't take stock of what you are doing, what you want and don't stand for what you want. Figure out what you want, figure out what a healthy relationship looks like with a guy who actually wants you, because right now your image of "close" is scary way off. Next brace to wait and hold out for what is right. Finally and most important, learn how to say NO and mean it when you are not getting exactly to the letter of what you want.

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The person you have to convince it is over is yourself, not him!

 

He can't 'make you' take him back unless you agree to it and give him avenues of access to you so he can pester you.

 

And really, at this point you need to acknowledge that words are cheap and he has used words and drama to get his own way, while again and again he absolutely does not get any closer to giving you what you want and need. So he has learned that the price of worming his way back into your life are some drama and pretty words, and you suck for it every time and he knows it. So he's decided the task is not about being committed to you, it is about using drama and words to wear you down and get what he wants from you without giving you what you want and need.

 

So your task here is to give him no avenues to manipulate you, and recognize that he IS a master of drama and manipulation (or you are a soft touch) if you've fallen for this 4 times and still not gotten what you needed for yourself out of this.

 

So, if you know your vulnerability is giving in to the drama, then you need to shore yourself up against that so that there can be none. So send him one email, telling him it is over because you have different goals in life and you're tired of playing this game, and that you will not be responding to any future contact from him and that you want him to leave you alone entirely.

 

Then follow thru with it... immediately block all avenues of contact with you, including blocking his number for calls and texts (changing yours if necessary), blocking his email, blocking his access to you on social sites, including cutting off the feeds for a while from any mutual friends so that you don't get any info from him. Tell all your friends you want nothing to do with him and you will refuse to talk about him and don't want to hear about him and that you will cut them off if they try to act as intermediaries between you and him. And if he shows up at your door, don't answer it, and thru the door tell him if he persists in trying to show up where you are, you'll file a restraining order against him.

 

Then wash your hands of him. Set up dates with other men, and get on with your life and on with finding an appropriate man who loves you enough to commit to you.

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The person you have to convince it is over is yourself, not him!

 

 

^^That is SO true.

 

Wow this situation is eerily similar to mine. Be strong and look forward! You can do it! It's like breaking an addiction but you'll get there. We hope you get the kind of relationship that you want and never have to settle for less!

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I haven't read any of the other replies so forgive me if this has been mentioned already.

 

My first question is: If you want more then why would you take him back without him promising you more? You listen to words and you ignore actions which is to your own detriment.

 

My second question is: If they tell you from the beginning that they don't want exclusivity or committment with you, then why do you continue on with them?

 

My Third question is: If all they have to do is beg you, and you take them back without having had to commit to you to get you back, then you're telling them that you're perfectly accepting of them coming back into your life under the status quo.

 

YOU have to stop what you're doing if you want to stop getting what you're always getting. Where's your self-respect? Wheres your show that you value yourself? You've taught these men how to treat you by your very own actions.

 

Time to get strong, get rid of him for good and then go ZERO contact while blocking and deleting him. If he can't get through to you, then he can't hoover you back in for exactly what you broke up with him for.

 

Okay... just read this: Learn from this... change your own behaviour so that you don't keep going on with people that have clearly told you that they are not going to give you what you want.

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Just to update that I haven't had any contact with him (but I have pre-emptively blocked him everywhere). It feels right this time. I actually feel like a huge burden has been lifted and don't really miss him because it was just too much stress. I wish I have done this sooner

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Just to update that I haven't had any contact with him (but I have pre-emptively blocked him everywhere). It feels right this time. I actually feel like a huge burden has been lifted and don't really miss him because it was just too much stress. I wish I have done this sooner

 

Well done!

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Just to update that I haven't had any contact with him (but I have pre-emptively blocked him everywhere). It feels right this time. I actually feel like a huge burden has been lifted and don't really miss him because it was just too much stress. I wish I have done this sooner

 

Good for you. Now go out there and find someone that wants exactly what you want.

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