New house with family. Stressing out and friends don't care

[cryingalways]

Hey, so I've just moved to a new town with my mother and brother and it is making me very anxious and in a bad mood.

 

I decided to go with them because I couldn't afford somewhere where I was and I don't have any friends who wanted to live with me. I think it's just very stressful right now because there is boxes everywhere, nothing works, I do not feel at ease what so ever and I do not get anytime alone for a moment. The pets are freaking out as well. People ask me if I'm alright in front of a group and I mumble that I'm fine. I tried to call some "friends" from back home but they just don't seem to have the sympathy gene and ignore anything bad I say or make a joke about it.

 

Weirdly all my friends from back home have all decided to move to another town together yesterday too. On the day I move...as some sort of hippie tribe or something and they're all up for it. I just feel like all my friends are awful right now. I know that sounds mean but I think they actually might be. And I can't go back on some educational course and meet new people anymore, I've done it too many times, no money left. There's now just me, no friends, no life and a very long road to getting any of these things.

 

I don't want to live with my mum. But I just don't know what else to do right now. I am angry at myself for being in this situation. And then I have no one to call and talk to. The friends I do call are more interested in being anti establishment and are really very un loyal friends-they're all friends with my ex who hit me once. I knew this about my friends so I made new ones a few years ago but since then I met my ex who was abusive to me and now all these friends are busy with their lives and have no time for me understandably. But I am just so alone.

 

I don't know how to bear it. I cry randomly all the time and get angry outbursts. I daydream about dying or hurting someone.

 

I'm in counseling, I'm trying all the things that could help.

 

This has just been a particularly hard day as I've moved and also really realised and remembered that my friends are all not there for me and are all jerks. I can't depend on them.

 

All I want is my ex boyfriend to hug me and to tell I'll be ok. Now I cant even get someone else to do it. And my ex was abusive. I've got a history of having abusive or emotional absent friends who have been mean to me. I think I may still have some sadly. I mean, if my ex who was mean to me is the only one who actually gave me some care where the hell will I get it next? I obviously can't find it from other people in my life. No wonder I stayed with him. I feel like I need him again. And he is off somewhere and we haven't spoken in months. Great

[Lucha]

I have been going through the situation you describe since the end of november. I lost my relationship and two pets all at once, and was desperate to talk to anyone of my friends, but despite them saying 'hey if you want to talk about it' not a single one of them had time for me. There were friends who actually defriended me on social media bc of my negative status updates. I didn't see anyone except for my counselor for weeks. I felt SO utterly alone. And I still feel it sometimes now. But I have learned that most people do not want to talk about negative stuff, bc they are scared they get 'infected' by it or something. So now I know I have a few friends to which I can vent, or even my parents, but I also know that with other friends I should try to act normally. I have also moved back from my own flat to my parents house due to graduating. I don't like it to live here again either, but as for now I have no choice and so I'll make the best of it and see the bright side: Always someone around to talk to, dinner being made etc.. I know how desperate you must feel right now but you will feel better some day within the next few months. It will be gradually not instantaneously. For now, try to live with the situation you're in.. Give yourself some peptalk like 'who knows were I'll be living in a year from now'. This is temporary. Okay?

[Seraphim]

Has your counselor talked about grounding techniques or learning how to self sooth?

[pippy longstocking]

People ask me if I'm alright in front of a group and I mumble that I'm fine. I tried to call some "friends" from back home but they just don't seem to have the sympathy gene and ignore anything bad I say or make a joke about it.

 

oh darling , I don't want to sound hurtful in any way so I am going to try and say this with compassion ...but just that alone tells me what kind of dark vibe you are giving off , they ask if you are ok because you are obviously acting in a way that makes them ask , and then you said you mumble that you are fine ...I can almost see how all this must seem . I don't think your friends have lost the sympathy gene , I think they might be getting fed up of the negativity ..honestly it drains a person if all they have to listen to is a person moaning about every single aspect of their life , they probably joke about it all as a way to try and get you to lighten up and find some humour in life rather than this darkness you are in .

 

there is only you can pull yourself out of this mindset and at some point you have to really work hard to find good things , like the fact that you have indeed got somewhere to live , that your mum is there for you , that you have family , that you have a life to live .

 

I know you are down and I send you big hugs and hope I havent hurt your feelings x

[lizzie2011]

. I tried to call some "friends" from back home but they just don't seem to have the sympathy gene and ignore anything bad I say or make a joke about it.

 

 

They may think they're cheering you up by making a light hearted joke. What you are feeling is normal and it will pass (hopefully). There's always some disconnection when you move and it will take some time to make some friends. Join a group/club and give it some time.

[cryingalways]

I just mumbled that because my mum was asking me in front of a group of her friends and it wasn't the place for me to talk about my feelings in front of them all at the time. You know, inbetween saying how nice the soup is and stuff. I mentioned to my mum that I was thinking of bringing up how my dad abused me as a kid to him because my counselor thinks it would be good for me and she basically said maybe I shouldn't and it made me laugh. They're protecting him still. I guess I feel like no one wants to listen to me. I know I'm being annoying, I really do. I know some of my friends just don't know what to do about me being negative.

 

But I don't do that with my friends, the mumbeling. I'm actually very upbeat usually with them because I don't want to be negative but I am having a bad day with moving etc today and they are all being useless. Trust me. My friends are weird. They are all arty people and they are not supportive. Never have been. I don't know why I even bothered trying to be their friend again. I just thought it would be nice to have some friends I guess. But they are hardly even that.

 

Oh...it's difficult when you feel so negative. I don't know how to change it at the moment. It's been a pretty damn negative day. My brother was nice to me and we had a little chat.

 

My counselor hasn't taught me any techniques or anything. It's just a sort of going through childhood stuff thing at present.

 

I just don't feel like I can be positive without my ex for some reason. I don't have someone to love. Or to have a future with. And so it's making me not care about anything else. Well, I don't even really have anything else so that's probably why.

 

It's stupid too because he was so mean to me sometimes and overall very controlling and posessive. But somehow I was happy most of the time being with him.

 

Sigh, sigh...super sigh

[Seraphim]

I think it's time your counselor actually taught you some techniques on how to self sooth. Why don't you actually bring it up.

[cryingalways]

I'm changing my counselor so I only have 2 sessions with this one left and haven't found a new one yet, because of moving.

 

I've tried meditating, mantras, making a list of things that calm me....this is just a particularly bad day. I'll get through it I think. I just need some time alone probably and to plan my life again now I am here. I don't really know what I want to do but I am just going to get whatever job I can really and start from that. I think that would be a good step in creating a life here.

 

I'm just not feeling like hanging out with my mum and her friends. It is a bit exhausting for some reason and I don't want to be doing it. I want to be with people my own age and living my own life like I was with my ex. I just didn't think he'd take it all away from me like this and I now realise I should never have thought my life with him was the most important thing. I should have got my own place. But you just don't think like that when you're in a relationship sometimes. Especially when your ex was manipulating you to be dependent on him and as insecure as him. Anyway. I am going to try and relax on my own I think. Thanks for your help. I know I am annoying. I think it's the self hate that is the worst thing actually. I hate being like this so much but I actually can't help it.

[Seraphim]

You're not annoying. You just need to learn how to help yourself. And once someone can show you how to do that then you will find yourself so much happier. I had to learn to self soothe as well. I had a pretty abusive childhood. The first 15 years of my relationship with my husband he was utterly hopeless. I suffered a lot of sexual and emotional abuse in childhood and I became dependant on my mother has my emotional aide. I have PTSD and a panic disorder. Almost 2 years go now I had a total complete breakdown. However due to counseling and learning to self soothe myself I am amazingly better.

 

I am nobody special. I learned how to do this for myself and so can you. Hugs.

[pippy longstocking]

I echo what lady vic has said darling , you are not annoying at all .. I have also had to learn how to sort myself out the hard way , I have bi polar and I have had to do some real hard work to keep my head above water at times .

 

You will get there ..keep talking to us ...we know where you are and how you feel

[cryingalways]

Thankyou. I am glad I'm not annoying. My ex put me down a lot whenever I was anxious. I was only ever anxious about him really though. About when the next explosion would be or why he was being distant. Its like he hated me when I was ill too. I think part of me hates myself when im feeling weak so I believed him most of the time. I even stopped complaining ever but that still wasnt enough. Then he hated me for being independent. It was a real head screw.

 

Anyway, vic if you have any examples of how to self sooth that would be great. I think im really tired and disorientated by moving and im always in a more unstable mood when tired.

 

I dont like complaining but theres a lot in me that has been belittled and repressed by my ex and i think i dont know what to do with my feelings now.

[Seraphim]

Here you go! http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=453993

[pippy longstocking]

Can't believe I am confessing to this in public hahaha

 

I imagine I am breathing in love hearts and breathing out hatred/pain/venom/anger

and filling myself with the love of the universe .

 

might not be for you , but hey anything is worth a go hey haha

[Seraphim]

Can't believe I am confessing to this in public hahaha

 

I imagine I am breathing in love hearts and breathing out hatred/pain/venom/anger

and filling myself with the love of the universe .

 

might not be for you , but hey anything is worth a go hey haha

Awwww that is lovely darlin! If it gets you through and works then that is awesome!

[cryingalways]

Victoria thanks so much that was very very helpful to me.x

[Seraphim]

Victoria thanks so much that was very very helpful to me.x

 

You're welcome love. I hope that you practice some of the things I suggested. Practice them every day.

[cryingalways]

I just took my therapists advice and confronted by dad about him hitting me when I was younger. Oh man.....

 

He said lots of stuff, he said maybe I made it up as I was a child then or that my mum is lying. He sort of said sorry but it was awful really.

 

Was that good advice from my therapist?! It seems to have opened a can of worms as he says now he needs to talk to mum as he thinks maybe she's lying.

 

Thing is he was just generally cruel to me at that time. Abusive in general. So I don't care if the actual hit never happened. I just wish my dad would say he loved me and sorry. I guess he can't.

 

What do I do now? I don't want to think about the past anymore. But I've sort of realised my dad ain't so great. Do you think it may have helped me to bring it up?

[Seraphim]

My counselor told me to write my dad a letter but not to send it. She told me there's no point in confronting people that are not going to say sorry and not take ownership of what they did.

[DancingFool]

I think you seriously need to find a more competent therapist soon......

[Seraphim]

My counselor works more with me on me validating myself rather than me trying to wander to other people including my parents to validate how I feel.

[cryingalways]

I think mine thought it would just be good for me to mention it to him for myself. Not for any particular response. It felt like a big deal mentioning it. It was. I just did not expect that reaction. Thing is I've been thinking about the way he treated me for so long and not mentioning it it was probably good to just do it. End the anxiety and pain of not being listened to. He definitely heard me! I don't want to talk about it anymore though. How do you cope having a dad that is so emotionally messed up? I think mine has emotionally distant parents so he behaves this way and cannot express emotions. My brother recently passed away so I felt I should be honest with my dad for some reason.

[cryingalways]

And the thing was I couldn't remember what had happened on one instance where apparently he hit me and kicked the bathroom door down. My mum told me it happened but I don't remember so I wanted to know

[pippy longstocking]

Awwww that is lovely darlin! If it gets you through and works then that is awesome!

 

thanks vic xx and yep ..it works for me

 

op you ask if it helped you to bring it up to your dad ..only you can answer that not us ..do you think it helped

[Seraphim]

I know through my counseling I have released a lot of anger that I had for my dad. My dad was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive . He was also an extremely neglectful parent. He would not provide the necessities of life.

 

There is a lot to be said for forgiveness. Forgiveness is just as much for yourself. It keeps you from being eaten alive with anger. My dad was also an abused child and he is severely mentally ill. Nobody ever taught him any better and he could not figure out how to get out of his own box. He also had no opportunity for help. So why would I want validation from somebody who's so helpless they can't even get out of their own way? Know what I mean? So I let it go it is what it is. It is the past I cannot change it no matter what I do. I cannot live in the past and I cannot live in the future. Those roads only lead to panic and fear and anxiety. I try my hardest every single day to live in the now. I can change now and I can make myself better now.

[cryingalways]

God so you think my therapist was wrong in advising I confront him? Well I've done it now sadly.