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Girlfriends ex contacting her on Face Book.


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Hi everyone.

 

Been with my girlfriend for nine years and we have a 7 year old boy together. My problem is my girlfriends ex who she had only been with for a month or so before she met me. She had left her Facebook open by accident and lo and behold the ex contacted asking her how is she and whether she is still with me and if we were getting married. She replied that she was still with me but she is not silly to marry me. Find this strange because she keeps going on about wanting to get married so we are complete family.

So the next day I told her what are saw and asked why was he contacting her again and her reasons for telling him that she was not that silly to marry me yet telling me different. Her response was because her parents divorced she did n't want to go through that.

 

I told her to go back FB and tell him not to contact her again in which she refused to do so and said I should do it! About four years ago we had a heated argument in which I said to her you don't need me now and she replied it's not that I don't need you but I don't want you. So I told her to go find who you want. She apologised and said she did not mean what she said. I could understand if the ex was decent but all he did was go to her house have sex and go home. Each time she asked to go to his house he turned her down saying it was n't a good time.

 

Confused

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I think you need to revisit that conversation you had 4 years ago because that is the basis for her telling this guy that she is not silly to marry you and then lying and saying something completely different to you.

 

When someone tells you "I don't want you", that is your cue to bounce. She's saying she's only with you because she needs your support for the child, more than likely. She needs you, financially, to help raise the child, but she doesn't need you emotionally for anything. What's the point in being there if she's opening herself up to an ex who only used her for sex and had nothing better going for himself? She's going to expose your child to that? Is that her plan?

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To be honest I don't see what she did as really that bad. They dated for 1 month, you guys have been together for like 9 years. Sounds like you are feeling insecure perhaps for other reasons? How is your relationship otherwise? If things are okay and you trust her...I wouldn't bother harping on this, but maybe u have grander issues.

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I don't think your issue is this guy. Your issue is her being unclear about whether she wants to marry you or not. There was nothing really wrong with their conversation in and of itself. They weren't flirting, and she told him she was still with you.

 

Focus on the real problem, not some guy who has little to do with this. And whether she was treated poorly enough by him to refuse to speak to him is her decision. Maybe she decided that after nine years she doesn't really care what their relationship was.

 

I also think you need to let the four-year-old conversation go. That was a long time ago. If you decided to forgive her for it then, it shouldn't be coming up now.

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Find this strange because she keeps going on about wanting to get married so we are complete family.

So the next day I told her what are saw and asked why was he contacting her again and her reasons for telling him that she was not that silly to marry me yet telling me different. Her response was because her parents divorced she did n't want to go through that.

 

She needs to make up her mind as to whether she wants to marry you or not.

 

The conversation may have been 4 years ago but she brought up the matter through what she said to this guy recently, so it's not "in the past" anymore.

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To be honest I don't see what she did as really that bad. They dated for 1 month, you guys have been together for like 9 years. Sounds like you are feeling insecure perhaps for other reasons? How is your relationship otherwise? If things are okay and you trust her...I wouldn't bother harping on this, but maybe u have grander issues.

 

Here is why its bad. She dated him for a month 9 years ago. The OP stated it mostly was just sex (Which I assume is according to her). This guy is poking around inquiring about her relationship status and she is obviously in such need of attention that a booty call from 9 years ago is worth talking to.

 

Its bad

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Facebook is annoying for relationships IMHO

 

Its less to do with facebook and more to do with peoples blatant disrespect for other peoples relationships. Last night for example a friend of a friend of my wife and I decided to make a comment on the mutual friends picture about how good my wife looks. Apropos to nothing in the picture. My wife informed me this is not the first time this goof ball had made such comments.

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Here is why its bad. She dated him for a month 9 years ago. The OP stated it mostly was just sex (Which I assume is according to her). This guy is poking around inquiring about her relationship status and she is obviously in such need of attention that a booty call from 9 years ago is worth talking to.

 

Its bad

 

How do you know it is a booty call? For all we know, this person was a casual friend of hers for a long time, they just happened to date for a month. For all we know, this guy is in a committe relationship, married with 3 kids...it's been NINE YEARS...i don't see anything wrong with asking someone their relationship status...its casual conversation.

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How do you know it is a booty call? For all we know, this person was a casual friend of hers for a long time, they just happened to date for a month. For all we know, this guy is in a committe relationship, married with 3 kids...it's been NINE YEARS...i don't see anything wrong with asking someone their relationship status...its casual conversation.

 

Did I say it was a booty call now? I said it was a booty call 9 years ago as the OP stated the relationship with her ex lasted a month and consisted of him showing up for sex.

 

Im a guy, I can draw the line on his current interest (not that the reason for his interest matters)

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agreed and that would piss me off not sure if it did you

 

Its less to do with facebook and more to do with peoples blatant disrespect for other peoples relationships. Last night for example a friend of a friend of my wife and I decided to make a comment on the mutual friends picture about how good my wife looks. Apropos to nothing in the picture. My wife informed me this is not the first time this goof ball had made such comments.
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Wow. What's the question even? Girl is having private conversation with former lover And either lying to you or lying to him about your relationship and it's future. Go back a bit to the past where she didn't even want to be with you. Why are you wasting your time time being someone else's 'good enough for now'.

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agreed and that would piss me off not sure if it did you

 

It did but I didn't want to get into it on our friends page. I PMd her today and ask that she inform him its disrespectful. She replied that her and her hubby both did immediately when they saw it and she was po'd about it too. Unfortunately they too have had their share of FB drama. Sadly all these people aren't teenagers. I am talking 30s and 40s

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How do you know it is a booty call? For all we know, this person was a casual friend of hers for a long time, they just happened to date for a month. For all we know, this guy is in a committe relationship, married with 3 kids...it's been NINE YEARS...i don't see anything wrong with asking someone their relationship status...its casual conversation.

 

You don't see anything wrong with the fact that he relationship status update she gave her ex dircy contradicts what she's been telling her bf about their relationship? Sounds like she wants to tell bf she wants to get married and the ex she doesn't - why would that be?

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well then i think we can at least agree that facebook has exposed to immaturity of some adults lol

 

It did but I didn't want to get into it on our friends page. I PMd her today and ask that she inform him its disrespectful. She replied that her and her hubby both did immediately when they saw it and she was po'd about it too. Unfortunately they too have had their share of FB drama. Sadly all these people aren't teenagers. I am talking 30s and 40s
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Did I say it was a booty call now? I said it was a booty call 9 years ago as the OP stated the relationship with her ex lasted a month and consisted of him showing up for sex.

 

Im a guy, I can draw the line on his current interest (not that the reason for his interest matters)

 

What's annoying me, is that when I told her to reply back to him saying for him not contact her again she refused to do so. Her reply to me was he already thinks that I'm a fruit cake anyway, and that I should do it. I can't see what the problem is in doing it.

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What's annoying me is that when I asked her to reply back to him and tell him not to contact her again, she refused to do so, saying that he already thinks I'm a fruit cake as though that's enough to deter him. I don't see what the problem is.

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So you've been together for years, have a child together, and for years she has been asking you to get married and be a family, yet that's not happening. At some point she is going to give up on this arrangement you two have and walk.

 

She has been very clear with you for a long time about what she wants, but it hasn't happened. From her perspective, she really has only two choices here - either pretend like she is cool with not being married despite 9 years together and claim that it's her choice to save face or give up on you and walk out.

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whoa that aint right , his opinion shouldn't mater at all

 

What's annoying me is that when I asked her to reply back to him and tell him not to contact her again, she refused to do so, saying that he already thinks I'm a fruit cake as though that's enough to deter him. I don't see what the problem is.
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What's annoying me, is that when I told her to reply back to him saying for him not contact her again she refused to do so. Her reply to me was he already thinks that I'm a fruit cake anyway, and that I should do it. I can't see what the problem is in doing it.

 

If he thinks that you are a fruit cake its because she has lead him to believe that. What does that tell you?

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So you've been together for years, have a child together, and for years she has been asking you to get married and be a family, yet that's not happening. At some point she is going to give up on this arrangement you two have and walk.

 

She has been very clear with you for a long time about what she wants, but it hasn't happened. From her perspective, she really has only two choices here - either pretend like she is cool with not being married despite 9 years together and claim that it's her choice to save face or give up on you and walk out.

 

Pretend? You mean lie? If she's not happy with him not marrying her an acceptable response is not to tell her ex she's not interested in marriage while she's telling her bf the opposite. OP she's a dishonest selfish manipulator - sorry you have to parent with this wretch.

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So you've been together for years, have a child together, and for years she has been asking you to get married and be a family, yet that's not happening. At some point she is going to give up on this arrangement you two have and walk.

 

She has been very clear with you for a long time about what she wants, but it hasn't happened. From her perspective, she really has only two choices here - either pretend like she is cool with not being married despite 9 years together and claim that it's her choice to save face or give up on you and walk out.

 

I've seen this happen to a few of my friends that had children with a bf and after several years he hasn't proposed. They all say, "Yeah, we don't want to get married, we don't need a piece of paper." But then they have wedding boards on Pinterest and oggle others engagement rings and photos....and if the bf does miraculously propose, they always say yes. So...it is about saving face.

 

OP....you haven't felt like proposing to her after this long...maybe it's time to end things so she can meet someone that does want to marry her.

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I've seen this happen to a few of my friends that had children with a bf and after several years he hasn't proposed. They all say, "Yeah, we don't want to get married, we don't need a piece of paper." But then they have wedding boards on Pinterest and oggle others engagement rings and photos....and if the bf does miraculously propose, they always say yes. So...it is about saving face.

 

OP....you haven't felt like proposing to her after this long...maybe it's time to end things so she can meet someone that does want to marry her.

 

I wonder if men have any clue what kind of pressure, criticism, etc. women actually face when they've been with a man for a certain number of years and still unmarried....yes...in this century...today.... Putting on a brave face and claiming that that's how you want it is really one way and the only way to shut people up with their comments and opinions, when in reality she is hoping against hope for the guy to finally come around and propose. Really though, for how many years can you keep rejecting her and then be surprised that maybe her loyalty to the relationship might be slipping. The other dude is not your problem - you are.

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Just before Xmas she was talking about moving house and that we could borrow £150 thousand pounds from the bank for a better property, considering she's up to the eyeballs in debt with student loans. I'm debt free. A close friend of mine who works with mortgages warned me if I took out a joint mortgage with her, half of her student debts will be mine and any others she has not told me about.

 

When I told this, she blew up in a rage. Saying my friend does n't know what he is talking about!

So is that a reasonable excuse to go on FB and chat with an ex who only used for sex.

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