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Some help please .. feeling heartbroken ..


Iad Alazzhr

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Hi everyone just really need some help with what might be a more common problem than I thought.

 

I've been seeing an amazing girl for just over a month, we've been out at least once a week every week, and things have been great. The chemistry is great and I really care for her already. We kissed for the first time and she slept over after the 3rd week, she stayed over on xmas night and we had our 1st time "together".

 

Everything great so far... but NY eve she didnt see me, and she went with friends to a club for the night, I couldn't get hold of her at all, just a happy new year darling text at midnight.

 

things slowed down and I'd not seen her since xmas night, but stayed in touch on messenger, then two days ago she told me "i think i could fall in love with you"

which i felt so happy about, she's been single for 6 months after a 4 year relationship and I didnt want to rush things too quickly for her.

 

We had a date yesterday and I was so happy to see her, so was she. we went for a drink at a nice quiet bar and chatted, joked, laughed ... it was good.

 

moved to another place and sat on a sofa together, When the subject of what she told me last night (I could fall in love with you) she just downplayed it, and then followed it up with "i think we have different ideas of what we want" she said she doesnt want a relationship .... she's had two 4 year relationships back to back and shes 26 .... she told me she wants to be with me like friends .... with benefits if i want (i dont think i do) but she wants to go out together, go away together, do things that couples do .... but not be together in a relationship ?

 

I tried to say if it was about what happened in her previous relationship... she said no, but then told me that she was still in touch with him, I asked if she was seeing him and she said "and someone else too" ... she may have said she was seeing a few guys ... said she had been in relationships a long time and wanted to just enjoy being single and seeing different people. I didnt/couldnt ask if she was sleeping with them too or if i was the only one, I'm a confident guy, good looking, good job, good personality and she said she really really does like me a lot. I asked if we met at the wrong time and she nodded. I tried to say "we dont get to choose when we meet what might be the right person" - because thats what it feels like.... we're perfect together... and it makes no sense to me that SHE knows that too ... but wont act on it further.

 

We left it with her saying she still wants to see me, and it's up to me if I can accept it how it is....

 

I felt utterly heartbroken and have to decide whether to keep seeing her, because i love being with her, take it as a challenge to prove that i'm the guy for her... Or just tell her that I feel i'm worth more than being one of the guys she wants to see like that, stop contact and then if she thinks that she's ready for something more in a few months ... then call me...

 

I feel lost at the moment and honestly dont want to lose her...

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You cannot lose what you do not have. I could tell before you said it that she is seeing others. No matter the reason she has made it clear she is not interested in a relationship with you. And yes she is having sex with others ...

 

Please do not think you can convince her to.choose you by being a fwb. You want exclusivity. She does not. Please bow out ...you will get more hurt.

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things that get me though are

 

wanting to go away together on holiday

saying she could fall in love with me

texting every day

the chemistry we have together

 

I can feel that she wants more, she said her friends told her to enjoy being single since shes been in relationships since 18 (now 26) so she's seeing a couple guys.. shes the quiet type and doesnt let people get too close to her, i dont think she sleeps around ... I just dont know whether to say I want more and if you're not ready then i cant see you anymore .... or go along with things the way they are and build something more between us, ignoring the fact that she's seeing other people too.

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If that is not what you want, then drop her.

 

 

 

I wouldn't keep seeing her. She's more than likely screwing her ex and possibly the other person, along with you. She was probably with her ex on NYE--otherwise, why wouldn't she have wanted to spend that night of all nights with you? At least she could have invited you to join her and her "friends", *IF* it was her friends she went with and not some other guy.

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things that get me though are

 

wanting to go away together on holiday

saying she could fall in love with me

texting every day

the chemistry we have together

 

sweetheart, she's got "chemistry" going with 2 other guys besides you.

 

I can feel that she wants more, she said her friends told her to enjoy being single since shes been in relationships since 18 (now 26) so she's seeing a couple guys..

 

don't get involved with anyone who conducts their relationships by running it a "committee" for approval. She's old enough to make her own decisions about relationships, not do as her friends tell her.

 

shes the quiet type and doesnt let people get too close to her, i dont think she sleeps around ... I just dont know whether to say I want more and if you're not ready then i cant see you anymore .... or go along with things the way they are and build something more between us, ignoring the fact that she's seeing other people too.

 

She's more than likely sleeping with the ex and the other guy she mentioned. Why would she change tack just because it's you? No, I understand you want to believe what you want to believe about her, but human nature is what it is--as the saying goes "a leopard doesn't change its spots". And there is nothing wrong with her sleeping with whomever she chooses as long as she told you that BEFORE you bedded her. She didn't do that. She kept it to herself until she was sure you had feelings and now, all of a sudden, she just wants you to spend money on her, take her places and just be her friend? And the way she will assure that you stay on the hook is to text you every day and stoke the chemistry all the while knowing she's never going to let you get close enough to her, emotionally, for this to be worth your time and energy. No. Drop her. She's playing games and trying to get her hand in your wallet.

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I think the thing is if she's sleeping with other guy's as well as me, then I cant see her anymore, it'll just on my mind when i'm not with her. If she's only sleeping with me then I'm not sure, We're not in a committed relationship .. i get that, but for me sleeping with more than one person at a time is going to far, especially if she's as reserved as she claims to be... also she said she was seeing someone else but asked if I wanted to see her with benefits, so not sure if thats her arrangement with others.

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I think the thing is if she's sleeping with other guy's as well as me, then I cant see her anymore, it'll just on my mind when i'm not with her. If she's only sleeping with me then I'm not sure, We're not in a committed relationship .. i get that, but for me sleeping with more than one person at a time is going to far, especially if she's as reserved as she claims to be... also she said she was seeing someone else but asked if I wanted to see her with benefits, so not sure if thats her arrangement with others.

 

She is sleeping with the other guys as well. And she's not in the least bit reserved. No one who asks if you want to be in a FWB is reserved. That's how she hoodwinks you and other guys.

 

It's never a good idea to begin screwing someone without having gotten a very clear, declarative understanding about expectations and behaviors first. Just because you had sex with her never obligated her to being commited to you---only a discussion about what being exclusive means taking place before you got into the bed with her does that. You can't have sex with someone and think it conveys the exact same meaning to them as it does you.

 

As I said, nothing wrong with her treating her liasons as FWB's as long as she is upfront from the start that this is what she wants. In my book, I would never pay for trips anywhere with someone who refuses to declare for me or doesn't want to be exclusive with me. IMO, she's a golddigger--just out for what she can get. If she's sniffing in behind her ex, then obviously, she hasn't learned what she needed to learn, since ex's are ex's for a reason.

 

This one is showing you exactly what she is about before you've gotten too entangled with her.

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She has been honest with you, all she wants is a FWB relationship, where she's free to date and have sex with as many guys as she chooses to, including her ex (whom she may still have feelings for). She is probably telling all the other guys the same thing. And if that's what she wants at the moment, it's her prerogative.

 

It's up to you whether you still want to stay or move on. She has told you where you stand, now you have to make a decision: are you ok with sharing her with a few other people? If yes, and having her around every now and then is that important to you, and you're ok with a casual set-up, then by all means, keep seeing her. But if you're at the stage in your life where you want something serious, exclusive, then let her go. You can't force her to want what she doesn't want, which she has been crystal clear about.

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She still has some involvement with her ex.. and someone else too and you. She is FAR from ready for anyone or anything 'serious'. She's playing the field, as mentioned.

 

You may be ready n willing, but she isn't. This be a red flag for YOU. Sorry.

As for 'love'- it's not love. Lust maybe, but certainly not love. She sounds confused, therefore, you can't 'expect' much from someone like this.

 

Best to work on moving on.. away from her now. As you two seem to be on different paths.

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She still has some involvement with her ex.. and someone else too and you. She is FAR from ready for anyone or anything 'serious'. She's playing the field, as mentioned.

 

You may be ready n willing, but she isn't. This be a red flag for YOU. Sorry.

As for 'love'- it's not love. Lust maybe, but certainly not love. She sounds confused, therefore, you can't 'expect' much from someone like this.

 

Best to work on moving on.. away from her now. As you two seem to be on different paths.

 

 

i think shes set that she doesnt want a full time relationship now.... so i can back away and wait to see if she wants something more in the future... she did say that she really likes me and that we just met at the wrong time.......

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