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My NC - The Unexpected Journey, the new RS [update].


erklat

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Hi ENA!

 

I'm new to these boards in desperate need for breakup buddies as I can't seem to get over my last str, I ended 3yrs rs without a tear before, but not this one.

 

Short about me - male, 25yrs, physically attractive, chronically depressed and anxious, difficult family situation with parents smothering me in desperate rationalization of their lack of success (mid life crisis?), most likely codependent, introvert, under antidepresive prescription.

 

Her - similar family situation, abusive father, abusive past relationship on hands, 21yo, previously extrovert.

 

Story - I got drunk one time and got verbally abusive after getting under influence she was flaking on me for a week or so. At that time I felt something was wrong but the only thing wrong was me getting desperate and clingy draining her even more. Then I wasn't even aware I had such traits. She called it off (can't blame her.). After that I smothered her for a month instead of backing off. Had not replied to me for two months now. After that she met my brah for drinks, said how happy she was with me, how she doesn't now what happened to me why I lost my temper etc. He said she was genuinely sorry as she wanted to be together but couldn't on the terms I gave her. After that I think I tried contacting her once or twice messaging every so often (not every day, maybe once in 10 days) to no response. Even I sent one cute gift which I probably shouldn't have as it was most likely manipulative on my part.

 

Fast forward - few days prior to Christmas I was with my brah when we met her - haven't seen her in six weeks or so. We were left alone for a moment her trying to ignore me, but she caved smiling flirty at me and complimenting my new haircut and how she sees I was working out. We exchanged couple of words, I said how I was sorry for my behavior but she knew the situation on my hands me unemployed upholding my brah on college in another city.

After that, radio silence again. She says to him every so often that she is going to talk to me but not yet as she is still hurt. Idk, did she genuinely care for me if so? Also she points out to him she is not interested in anyone at this time. I thought that her smiling and electrifying chemistry in the air meant that resentment phase would be over.

 

Fast forward, I most likely managed to solve circumstances which brought me down and I have a realistic opportunity to go abroad for work and finally severing ties to my toxic family. I know some of you might think me being toxic personality, but it is the way it is...

 

Currently I'm trying hard to make myself happy and indulge myself in activities which I allowed to be taken from me. Also I just started to feel better because of my prescription. Started working from home - I am software developer albeit I don't have a degree yet - couple exams away so I feel radically better but not just there.

 

Now I'm pushing for 8w NC as I feel I overdid it post breakup. I don't know how to take those signals when we meet in person but I intend to fully build myself first before reinitiate. I miss her dearly. 20 days nc currently.

 

So - the question is - even when a male who has no self esteem issues is faced with silent treatment, how do you ladies think they should 'fight' for you, but in non desperate non attached fashion?

 

Thanks.

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Not a woman, but "fighting" for someone generally doesn't work out so well. Not like the movies at least, which are not at all like reality.

 

Really all you can do now is apologize, work on yourself and see whether or not she wants to come back. It's on her now, not anything you do. Pursuing may even push her further away, as you've seen already. I'd stick to not contacting her and if she does contact you keep it brief and polite.

 

There's never a guarantee with any of these things.

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I meant more along the lines I see here that when a male wants something that he gets it. I know myself that I enjoyed thrill of the chase before. Not like in the movies, but I don't sulk on the first sign of rejection either. I have tough days like these past two days though.

 

I appreciate any input, I just wrote I need female so I could lure ladies to read.

 

What do you make of signals she sends through my brother? They are friends and he acquainted us. She is very stubborn and prideful, but also very feminine and passionate.

 

Is she just relieving her guilt? She also acknowledged the gift last time. I get the impression she is not so determined when I'm around as she constantly looks around when we see each other out. Some days I feel I just need to spark her while I don't know how to unless in person.

 

That Insulted her badly when I pointed that she shouldn't pride herself with some traits while hanging out with low esteem individuals.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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Me knowing she hurts too doesn't help at all. I live in a small town and except me going to gym, playing some call of duty which I don't overly enjoy lately and programming there is not much to do especially in tough financial situation my parents drove us into. But today I'm putting my first responsive website up. I learned to animate using css3 so it looks nice. I could get some income with it definitely because most of the companies I see here are below that level yet.

 

As seen getting back together with her should be the least of my concerns, but the white void our plans were hurts more than a sore tooth.

 

Anyway I'm off by the end of the month. Physical distance would help me I hope but when I turn the tide I hope of trying to reconnect with her. I don't think she knows I'm going either at this point.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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You still enjoy Call of Duty? Glutton for punishment I take it... kidding

 

 

Really the only thing I can think to do is keep up with NC. If she wants to contact you then she will, unless she is unbelievably stubborn or prideful, but that's something for her to work on anyway. I mean, you could tell her you want to try again and let her know where you stand, leaving it up to her. But 8 weeks is not a long time, so I'd hold off on a bit for that.

 

Live your life as if you aren't going to reconcile, and really do it, don't just pretend with the sliver of hope that it will actually work out. This isn't to say it won't though I don't really like saying that because that in and of itself sets up expectations. But going forward as if it's over and pushing yourself to change any problems with yourself (real problems, not what others just want you to change) helps to make you into a better person no matter what ends up happening.

 

 

That probably came out convoluted, but PM me if you want with specifics.

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I decided being the best person I could be anyways. Me living my own life with my woman away from my parents is the glimmer on the end of the tunnel that keeps me going. I decided I would take my part in this situation for not completing college in time, but with economy in such a gloomy state here, they certainly taking an effort to demolish 2.5y of my youth and taking a toll on two of my rs is something I can't forgive. They took an effort to do so!

 

She is unbelievably prideful because last boyfriend hit her. So I'm scraping his schyt now. I ordered Codependent no more from M. Beattie to read so I might learn something there too.

 

I'd like if we would reconcile from where I'd take it dead s-l-o-w with her again. This time it was intense and developed very fast. I know there is no certainty. But I'll try to maximize my chances. I think she still cares because she caves everytime I'm around. It's clear she is attracted but most likely peer pressured at this time. I feel like separation catalyzes longing, but it hurts every few days nevertheless.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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Oh, I don't enjoy since first Black Ops. They broke blops2 on purpose I think so ppl would give in to Ghosts. The game stutters since the last update. I'm 2.2 on average player which is decent. So I play for ego boost mainly

 

Sent from my HTC One

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Bah, MW2 was the last good one! IMO anyway.

 

 

NC is the best bet. It definitely isn't easy, but it certainly helps and gets easier as time goes on. It also gives you the ability to buff out any of your flaws and look at any problems in the relationship objectively. Most of the time these things don't end all one one person's shoulders, it takes two to tango. Each of you having time to reassess and amend will be the best for both of you in the end, no matter what.

 

Just don't worry about her. She broke up with you, so the ball is in her court. Just keep yourself focused on other things, there's nothing you can do short of fixing any issues you may have. Don't worry, no matter what happens you'll be better off in the end. I've gone through this before and even after not having gotten back with "The greatest (sarcasm) girl ever", I feel and know that I'm way better off. Not that she's bad, but that we really weren't compatible. Plus she didn't want to stick around, so adios! No problems here

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From my experience they always come back at some point in the future. Now I force myself not to think about it as I think I'm constantly harboring hopes of her returning. I constantly believe three months of LC is too much for anything to be there.

 

Today I'm under pressure from work, so it is a bit better. We were fundamentally happy up to that point, it was something I said in dabda that raised her shield. So I know for the next time to pull off when she gets mad. Or any woman for that part.

 

Yeah, despite iwnet MW2 was fine becoz only one player had advantage over you. Nowadays if you have a good pc and connection everyone has an advantage over you.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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I wouldn't say they always come back, but yes many times people do check back in, though not necessarily to get back together. Just stay focused on work and your own life, and whatever happens will sort itself out. Not the most awesome thing to hear but it's the truth.

 

And yep, connections are messed up now. So lame.

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Relieving her guilt from what? You were treating her horribly...she should not have any guilt for breaking up with you.

 

And to answer your ?....you cannot fight to win someone back. Hollywood/movies bs.

Continue cleaning up your act. Any begging or.pleading on your part will have the opposite effect and turn her off.

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Relieving her guilt from what? You were treating her horribly...she should not have any guilt for breaking up with you.

 

And to answer your ?....you cannot fight to win someone back. Hollywood/movies bs.

Continue cleaning up your act. Any begging or.pleading on your part will have the opposite effect and turnh her off.

 

I wasn't. She admitted to my brother that she had a great time up to that point and would reconcile if I hadn't Insulted her. And the insult was that I said I hope she didn't learn to ostracize someone at home because female children usually do so at the age 6-7. Where else she could've learnt it?

 

I can take my part in rs demise for being needy and clingy and overly depressed. But that doesn't mean I wasn't provoked with her flaking and allowing her friends (who lied I flirted with them that night) to manipulate their way in between us. I guess that comes with age, but I don't know. I think I have never prioritized my friends over my partner but I don't claim it is right way either.

 

I have read your thread and am happy you chimed in. I'm not slimy sleazy female abusing scumbag. I'm really not.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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So you propose zealous no contact? Not courting her when possible and all? She complimented me last time we spoke for looking good with 10 additional kilos from working out and new haircut etc. I believe she was a bit flirty but I don't think I should act without someone else's opinion. Oh, she doesn't hang with es any longer. I wonder why...

 

I'm probably over analysing things as is... Shouldn't do so more.

Sent from my HTC One

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I don't think you are sleazy. I think you acted immaturely and are paying the consequences.

I think you should stay on your med, avoid over drinking, keep working out, and follow your path. Maybe the improved you will attract her attention.

 

However, you can "say...look at me now". This is a game of "show"...not tell. Your actions will speak louder than your word. Carry yourself like the mature adult you can be...and not the angry boy you were.

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We were both immature. I am always advocating that adult people should talk it out because good communication is number one on my list of rs priorities.

 

Reading these and boards alike and some self help books I gather that you think that :

 

-time passed since the breakup doesn't play that much of a role if reconciliation not tried prematurely and catalyzes longing?

-it is acceptable for ppl in rs to see each other once a week for example.

-it is acceptable to not hear from your partner daily.

 

All these things are new to me and in contradiction with what my buddies advise. And are overly dismissive at that.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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How you "gather" that from what I said is beyond me.

 

Yes...you both acted immaturely.

How often you see someone is dependent on many thing...work, school, living situation.

I am in a 4+ year relationship and I don't speak to my bf daily. However...many do.

 

I think that if she is interested in getting back together... she will let you know.

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How you "gather" that from what I said is beyond me.

 

Yes...you both acted immaturely.

How often you see someone is dependent on many thing...work, school, living situation.

I am in a 4+ year relationship and I don't speak to my bf daily. However...many do.

 

I think that if she is interested in getting back together... she will let you know.

 

You!=mhowe.

You==members here, loveshax, relationship enthusiasts, bloggers etc.

 

I meant it is general consensus. For my friends if recon hasn't happened in the first month the rs is dead while I advocate it is emotional foundations you laid that count in the long rub. Again I don't know if this makes any sense as I'm hurting badly and wouldn't even attempt at recon now until I pull my plans to distance myself from my family but I would like if we could be somehow else romantically engaged. I'd hate if she went with the other man. But if she hasn't in the four months at least I can take it was no gigs hence no genuine loss of interest.

 

The fact I'm most afraid of is her trauma from abusive relationship, abusive father and her being sexually harassed at work place a year ago. I had a gf for three years, we broke up a year ago after a year of downward spiral so it was a good riddance. She was full of understanding but I lost genuine romantic interest in her but as far as I know she is great marriage material and has positive attitude towards world around her even of everything is dark n gloomy.

This chick I'm hurting after drinks, smokes, doesn't go to college but I desire her so badly even if it is not the most rational thing... That realization made me realize I'm most likely codependent. I'd have to point it out to a psychiatrist next time.

 

Also the source of my depression is most likely mainly physiological in nature. I'll be under meds for the bigger part of my life but I have learnt to accept it. My parents also negating my condition. This is total madhouse.

 

My long term plan looks like this >moving out > job in programming > college > rs and marriage. I feel bad for blaming my parents for demolishing my life but that is just the way it is. For the past three months I've been upholding my brah studying in the other city only to get them nagging at me all the time. So fruitful rs without me not transferring stress over to her and my parents as a part of my life are non manageable. I feel like I'm a bad person. I'll take private sessions next month as I'm luckily moving out of the madhouse by the end of January.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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I feel up today. The possibility of even me declining recon in the end which I contemplated about today is not so scary now. I'm on a such rollercoaster. Unfortunately I know I'll be down a few more times

 

Sent from my HTC One

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Hope you don't mind making this into a mine personal NC journal? I'll just leave it here for anyone interested to read. I planned coding my own website for relationship blog of sorts to share my opinions and insights I learnt during this tough breakup I went through.

 

I had another nice day. I'm sticking to my meds so I'm sedated for good part of the day. I had a bad news regarding my father who's returning from a work abroad and outcome for their financial situation which is difficult as is. I'm so happy I'm out of it by the end of the month. I'm still a bit uncertain as I haven't finished all my exams in time, but being this stressed out because of their mistakes will end me only in hospital.

 

Regarding her - I have these weird moments of clarity past couple of days. I'm entertaining myself with a thought that I might be in a better place soon enough both physically and mentally and I will not want her any longer when she comes back. I'm with a much better prospects anyhow, not that I enjoy getting her down but that is just the way it is. I indulged myself in some trouble shooting my pc today as it was lagging in online games and tidying up some things about this last Web page of mine.

 

Only time will tell if she was just another mad bi-tch or the love of my life. Until then I remain vigilant with NC.

 

Sent from my HTC One

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It is a rollercoaster! Some days you feel strong and see things so clearly, other days - you feel crippled with emotions.

 

The only things that concerns me about your posts is your "when she comes back". Please do NC for you, not as a way to get her back.

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It is a rollercoaster! Some days you feel strong and see things so clearly, other days - you feel crippled with emotions.

 

The only things that concerns me about your posts is your "when she comes back". Please do NC for you, not as a way to get her back.

 

I get that remark often. When that point in my life comes it will no longer mean anything whether it is when or if. It is just a remark toward the threads they come back very often. I myself made contact with all my x somewhere down the line. Will she contact me given the circumstances? Most likely yes. Will I be waiting piously for it to happen? Hell no!

 

But I won't be chasing other chicks if I'm not yet up to it either. I'm no longer doing anything I don't want to in any area of fu-khin life!

 

 

Sent from my HTC One

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Sometimes I read responses to some stories and find the answers are way too harsh. We all know we will get better in the end, just the time in between we all need help with. I'm glad to see you are focussing on your own life, and that you understood what I really meant about the NC for you.

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