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If you go looking for trouble, you'll surely find it


julianna

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm currently at a loss of what to do, and would really appreciate some advice.

 

 

 

My fiancee and I have been together for a year and half now (engaged for a year), and up until last August it was mostly long distance. Today, I trust him completely and knows he loves me to death, but there was a time, especially at the beginning of the long distance I was less sure.

 

For some reason, I've never been able to shake this feeling, even though I know I should. I've asked him a couple times in the course of our relationship if he was honest to me during that time, and he always says yes and gets upset and offended that I'm even asking (in his words: it shows that I don't trust him).

 

Maybe he's right, because today I did something to put this strange feeling at rest once and for all (or so I thought). I am ashamed to admit this, but I logged into his Facebook and read a lot of his private messages for the first 5 months of the long distance. I know I am wrong for doing this, and that he would be (rightfully) upset if he found out.

 

However on the other hand, what I saw definitely confirmed what my intuition was feeling all along: there was someone else. I wouldn't never call what I saw in the messages something that looked like an affair, but still definitely not okay (eg. how he was flirting so suggestively to her, and when later confronted saying his relationship was a "complicated situation" (I for one, was not aware of these complications! It all seemed pretty simple to me)). From everything, I gathered: she crashed at his place (in his bed!) the day after I flew back home, and if they did anything, it was kiss, but that's it (she was apparently wasted and was thanked him for not taking of her). They continued to message and flirt for about a month, resolving after she found out he wasn't single to "try and be friends." In his defense, I will admit she definitely seemed kind of desperate and psycho and he sounded like he was making up all excuses to keep his distance and not talk to her. I don't believe that the initial sexual suggestiveness he had with her (and obviously kissing her, if he did) was right at all... but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I should have stopped looking then... but I looked further. I decided to read what he messaged one of his close friends when all this occurred. The problem is, he's Swedish and so is his friend, so everything I uncovered had to go through google translate first. When asked about his love life during that time, my fiancee answered he had "a girlfriend from California... and then a few others on the side." I am not Swedish, and it's possible that it somehow got mistranslated since it's a machine that does the translating (maybe he was referring to his flings before me?)... but things were not looking good.

 

Finally, I saw a message that he wrote to another friend (while I was here) telling him to not bring the "crazy Hannah" (girl from the messages) to the same bar we were that night, because she say anything to me.

 

 

 

So there you have it. Seems pretty obvious he wasn't being very honest about back then, doesn't it? I don't know what happened, if anything, or if there's anything more, but I can say with certainty that it doesn't look good.

 

However all this happened a long time ago in our relationship... now we're a lot more serious (engaged, so obviously), and like I said we trust each other and love each other to death. It really hurts and bothers me that this happened though in the first place. It's starting to corrode all this wonderful trust I have of him now, and I wonder if there is anything else he hasn't been honest to me about. BUT, is it worth it to bring all this up from the distant past, also since I have also done something wrong in invading his privacy in the first place.

 

What would you do? I want us to work out in the long run... what would those of you who are married or have been for a long time have done if you were in my shoes?

 

Thanks for bearing with me.

Any advice is appreciated!

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If you want it to work out, then don't bring this up. You said you trust him now, and don't think he's seeing anyone, so why snoop now and bring up something from over a year ago?

 

You need to figure out if you can deal with it or not, now, and then decide to stay or go. It sounds like you just want to start a bunch of drama over this, and drag the relationship out, to a slow, inevitable end. If you have a problem with the kiss and can't deal with it(absolutely your right to), then leave him. Don't try to beat an explanation out of him.

 

Lol..you went digging and found dirt. Hope you're happy.

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Here is what doesn't make sense to me - "I totally trust him.....so I went and looked through his e-mails and messages...." Seems to me that you absolutely do not trust him unless I fail to understand the definition of trust in some way.

 

Anyway, above aside, I guess you have to weigh what is now with what was initially. Normally, I'd say the guy is a potential cheater, however, here we have a mitigating circumstance. He is in Sweden, you were in CA. Early on, the probabilities of this working out and leading to something serious and marriage were frankly incredibly slim and improbable, so I can see how someone would want to keep local options open until such time as it becomes clear that this long distance thing is for real and actually working out. If he has been unquestionably loyal and committed since your relationship became "real" for lack of a better word or maybe truly committed is a better way of saying it, then you are probably fine and shouldn't stir up mud. On the other hand, if your gut is still ringing alarm bells, you should probably listen to your gut and lose him.

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This is a personal choice that only you can make. That said, keep in mind that very few people can get past infidelity in the long term. If you have the slightest doubt, and feel the need to monitor his every step etc, then it's time to be completely honest with yourself.

 

I'm not saying it won't work, but past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour.

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Well you have asked him numerous times and he lied and lied and lied.. that is not a man you can trust or should marry.

 

I remember hearing "how he treats you in the first 3-6months is vital" and "past behavior is a clear indication of future behavior". If he can be so dishonest and dis-loyal throughout the honeymoon period then what will he be like when you are 3-4years married and hit a rough patch?

 

I would see all this as a huge red flag and dump him. Plus the fact he bragged about it and made such an effort to cover it all up. Hes shady

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OP, I can relate. I am in a serious relationship now for a year and eight months and the first eight or nine months was long distance. In the very beginning, I trusted him wholeheartedly as he was so into me - took initiative to visit, talked 24/7, the whole deal. When I really fell for him as he had for me months before, I got insecure and became a detective. He showed me his messages on Facebook dating before we ever began to speak, and there was nothing of consequence from the time we began talking (aside from one girl he had a one time fling with who ended up being nuts and he had to block her everywhere as she would not stop texting him after he told her he had a girlfriend and to kindly 'f off'). I did notice a couple of messages from months before we started talking, that were flirty with other girls. The thing is, this was in his past. I got extremely insecure and for months ran him through the mud about "who is this person, have you ever been with her?" "have you always been true to me?" etc.

 

Thing is, this will ruin you if you let it. It is in the past, he cannot change the stars and rewrite any or everything he did. I finally had to accept it and look at it as a positive that he showed me his account to ensure I didn't have any reason to worry, and honestly I didn't, because all of the flirty stuff I found was before he ever met or talked to me. Everyone has a past. The only thing I would say that bugs me about your scenario is that this happened while he had known you and been beginning a relationship with you. You need to sit and have a good talk with him about this kind of thing, and really get it all out. Otherwise it will eat at your mind.

 

Be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking about his past so much that it ruins the relationship should you both salvage it. Being a detective, snooping, googling, etc. is unhealthy and I learned that the hard way. You will ALWAYS find something and even if it has no bearing on your relationship, it will eat at you. During my destructive snooping phase I found an online journal of one of his friends from like a decade ago that alluded to my now bf getting cozy with a girl at a Jr. high party and that even messed with my head. See where I'm going?

 

If you really truly trust him now, then let it be. Have a talk. You are engaged to be with him for LIFE. Don't let resentment or "what ifs" build up because you will be signing divorce papers later if you bury it now.

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