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Here is an exercise that may help you. Write a "letter" to your ex's next gf/bf.


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Let's pretend you wanted to write a letter to the NEXT person your ex is dating, to warn he/she about what they're in for. What would you say?

 

Here is my letter.

 

***************

Dear so and so,

 

Just wanted to warn you..when you get into a relationship with my ex, you won't be dating an adult. You'll basically be dating a child. This will especially become clear, if you move in with him.

 

The man is a complete and total SLOB. I have never met anyone messier. One time, he knocked a glass off his bedtable, and glass went everywhere. He couldn't be bothered to pick it up, because he was in the middle of a nap, so he just threw a towel over it. Never mind that he has 3 cats that could've stepped on a piece of glass and hurt themselves.

 

When I moved in, there were nasty gnats flying out of the sink. I don't think his bathtub had EVER been scrubbed. He had old coke bottles and food wrappers under his couch. Nothing in his house was organized..it was impossible to find ANYTHING. You see, he'd rather be glued to his cellphone, or smoking pot, than just about anything. If you move in wiith him, be prepared to do the bulk of the cleaning. Oh, and if you ask him to do anything, he will gripe about it, like a petulant teenager.

 

Another thing that makes him like a teenager is, he has to get his own way. There may be behaviors of his that you would like him to change..he may pay lip service to you "ok, fine, I'll stop doing this particular thing", and he may even stop it for a little while..but he always goes right back to it. Even when he was looking at his phone while driving, which common sense tells pretty much everyone that this is a dangerous thing to do, and you ought to NOT do it..I had to ask him 5-6 times to please stop being an idiot.

 

Also, he's addicted to social media, yet he'll give YOU a hard time if you spend too much time on YOUR facebook, tumbler, etc. He has to read the news on his cellphone when he eats at restaurants, even if it bothers you. See, i'm one of those types that actually believes in having a conversation with my companions in a restaurant. If you're like that, run away now. Because if you ask him to put his phone away, at best, he'll sulk about it..he may stop doing it for a short time, but then go back to it. At worst, he'll make fun of you for asking him to do so.

 

He's also very grumpy. Little things seem to set him off. For example, with the 3 cats..the cats like to sleep in the bed. Sometimes he'll almost roll over and crush one of them (not intentionally, of course)..and if you try to pull the cat away, he'll accuse you of suggesting he's a bad cat parent. Yeah, I know it makes no sense, but much of what he says or does, makes no sense.

 

For example, he'll always compare apples and oranges. I own my own business, which involves a lot of networking on Facebook. That's part of my job. If he's on Facebook a lot, it's okay, even though he's doing it recreationally. If I'm on Facebook too much, it's NOT ok, even though I'm doing it for work. Somehow my Facebook use, even though it's professional, gets equated with HIS Facebook usage..that kind of thing is nonstop. It can be very crazy-making, the way he makes these nonsense comparisons. He has a female friend who was a jerk to me. I got upset that he hung out with her while I was out of town, then hid that information until he was drunk and babbling, on New Year's Eve. He then said "well you hang out with a lot of people for your job that I don't like." Uhh..exactly. I hang out with these people FOR MY WORK. Was that female friend paying him? Was she his employer? NO. Once again, "apples and oranges."

 

Here's another thing..if you have a criticism of anything he does, here is how he handles it. 1) He'll turn it around on you. "Oh yeah? Well you DO THIS." 2) He'll accuse you of "making stuff up", and thus invalidating your feelings. 3) When you get so frustrated trying to argue with him that you turn blue, and end up raising your voice, he'll claim you're the bad guy, cuz you're YELLING. And btw he is not above yelling himself.

 

Expect to have him scream in your face. If you tell him to back off, he won't. Then you'll end up having to push him out of your face, and he can accuse you of being abusive cuz you touched him.

 

In sum, if you continue seeing this guy, you'll need therapy. Lots of it.

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sigh. This is not to be taken literally. It's an exercise to make you realize all the things you dislike about your ex, so you'll be less likely to contact them.

 

It's certainly not a REAL letter I would ever send to anyone.

 

It was pretty clear from the get-go that this was meant as an exercise and not to actually go thru with sending it. Double sigh.

 

And I think it's a great exercise.....as I was reading it, I was seeing things that MY ex(s) have done. And it made me relieved that I am no longer with them.

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LOL! Yay! Someone got what I was trying to say.

 

As I was writing it, I realized I could add even more to it..then I started thinking, why on earth had I stayed with this guy for a year and a half..ugh!!

 

It was pretty clear from the get-go that this was meant as an exercise and not to actually go thru with sending it. Double sigh.

 

And I think it's a great exercise.....as I was reading it, I was seeing things that MY ex(s) have done. And it made me relieved that I am no longer with them.

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Dear whatever,

 

I know you're with her now and I know you make her happy, I don't know if she's told you about me or not, I'm guessing she hasn't because which boyfriend/girlfriend would let their partner talk to their ex? But if she has told you, you've got nothing to worry about because there's nothing to worry about, we're just friends. You're the one she loves.

 

When we were together and we broke up, it's the hardest thing I ever had to go through and letting her go was so painful because it's something I didn't want to. She said that I should let her go and I did, but she came back and I thought she was single because of something I saw on her tumblr but she isn't single which confused me. I know she went through a rough period and you stuck by her, she obviously means a lot to you.

 

There's a few things you should know about her, when you're thinking of getting her something, it doesn't matter what you get because she appreciates everything, no matter how small.

Watch a movie with her, make her food and give her lots of cuddles.

Always be there for her, never let her feel alone even if you're not with her.

When you're in the middle of texting, ring her when she least expects it just to tell her that you love her. She'll text you after telling you how cute you are.

Tell her you love her more, make sure she believes it. But she won't let you win.

When you go to the cinema, hold her hand throughout the whole movie.

Kiss her when she doesn't expect it.

Kiss her forehead and tell her how much you love her.

Buy her flowers.

 

 

But most of all, please don't break her heart even though she broke mine.

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Spandora, you are a God send. - Brilliant post. The Universe has sent me the right thread at the right time for me.

 

 

Dear so and so,

 

Please be aware that R is a very loving and caring individual. So much so that he actually works as a Carer (and there will be days when you'll feel like one of his non paying clients)

 

He will tend to your every need, pick the bogggers from your nose, rouse you awake if you are having a nightmare, meet you from the train station when you come from work, and sit at home cooking you wonderful dinners.

 

And so on and so forth.

 

You will think that you have met your soul mate. A person completely devoted to you and you alone. You will wonder why this fit, handsome 50 year old hasn't been snapped up for marriage as yet.

 

Surely he's perfect. Too good to be true, right? And so it is.

 

Run my dear. Run as fast as you can. R

 

Sadly R suffers from a disorder called Adult Seperation Anxiety Disorder Yes, I know. It sounds like a made up diagnosis. "Help! My Boyfriend gives me too much attention." It's hard to be sympathetic, until you've lived six smothering weeks of it. Unfortunately, R takes "clingy" to new levels that Ross Geller could only dream of.

 

I didn't realise Adult Seperation Anxiety Disorder existed either. But six weeks in and you'll be having nightmares about being smothered to death by a pillow. (Naturally, he will rouse you from those nightmares)

 

The thing is R is interested in every single detail about you, because he has no life or friends of his own. He will have no hobbies of his own because YOU ARE HIS HOBBY.

 

He lives through you. He sucks up your air - and does a fairly good impression of Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female.

 

Some days you'll wonder if he actually wants to be you, so comprehensive is his "bonding process."

 

Your friends will suddenly notice that all your phone calls have a bizarre echo BECAUSE THE BATHROOM IT'S THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN BE ALONE.

 

You will feel invaded. Your work will suffer, because you have no time to wind down - ALONE. You will hardly visit eNotalone because you have no time to think. You won't plan for the future because have no time to feel your own feelings. Your parents will meet him long before you are ready because he is always tagging along.

 

But make no mistake. It isn't you that is luring him. It is the thought of feeding the addiction.

 

You will never have a minute alone again. You will begin to crave your solitude the same way a man in the Sahara craves a drinking fountain.

 

Any minute alone in your room will have you praying to the Gods that it lasts. Of course it doesn't. He will suddenly pop round with a "thoughtful" round of bagels for your breakfast. Awh, isn't that Kind? Not really!!! You will want to smoosh it in his face. And yet, yet, you will feel guilty and ungrateful...until you realise that you have been taken over...rather like The Host in a Stephanie Meyer novel.

 

You will see that he is killing you with "kindness" and sucking the life out of you.

 

Eventually you will come to your senses and ask him to slow things down.

 

This is when he will turn nasty. Have you ever tried to separate a Heroin Addict from their fix? Isn't pretty is it? For the first time in your life, you will feel terrified of this person. You will find yourself calling the police to eject his clingy needy ass from your house.

 

A couple of days later you will run into him in the street and he will shake his head sadly and call you "cold, unloving and uncaring." But you won't give a crap.

 

You will return ALONE to your house and your beloved 32" LED TV...and thank the merciful Gods that it is just you and the BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) tonight. You will feel a perculiar need to hug said TV and reveal in the privacy of your own space.

 

Ah, bliss, heavenly bliss.

 

Decixxx

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Just for fun, going to reach way way back into my first LTR when I was young and stupid.

 

Dear New Girl,

 

First I just want to wish you two the best and I hope that he is your match. I really do. He is a pretty decent guy, however there are a few things you should know that he won't tell you about until he starts thinking marriage.

 

He is a total momma's boy. Oh I know you are probably thinking but he does his own laundry and his place is clean and he can even make a good meal. Yeah, he does all those things. He is not a momma's boy in a traditional sense. In fact, his parents are pretty cool and his mom will never do his chores or expect you to. They actually expect him to be an adult. The thing is that once he starts thinking marriage, he'll go weird on you. Like he'll suddenly demand that you put things in the refrigerator a certain way because his mom does it like that. That you run the household a certain way because his mom does it like that. If you are doing something or cleaning something, he'll jump up and tell you to do it differently because that's how his mom would do it and it's the only right way. That once you are married, you will live a certain way and raise kids in a certain manner because that's what his mom did. Don't know about you, but I found that to be rather creepy and a bit of an unpleasant surprise especially since he kept it to himself until he started shopping for an engagement ring. Anyway, thought you should know ahead of time.

 

Sincerely,

The Ex Who Ran Like Heck After Seeing That Side of Him

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Dear Damaged Individual,

 

I'm so sorry you inherited my train wreck. At first, he will seem like the perfect guy.

 

He's adventurous, has a sense of humor, including at himself. Will make you feel like a goddess, because he can't get enough of you. Will praise all your efforts, and lay the world at your feet. Have medical bills? He'll pay them! Back tax issues? He'll do the accounting legwork and make the payments. Addiction problem? He'll support all your efforts to quit, while lovingly sympathizing and giving you money to support your habits.

 

And you won't be able to move without tripping over him. Either you will be tripping over him as he sleeps wherever he lands after work, leaving you to pick up a trail of debris - or tripping over him because no matter where you are, there he is, expressing his attraction and affection, regardless of what you are doing.

 

Fixing dinner? Curling your hair? Prepare to have an erection pressed against your butt and tongued while you're accomplishing this. You will never lack for these expressions of desire.

 

You will wither from the lack of simple expressions of affection, however. And any verbalizations of love will begin to feel like simple sexual foreplay, never true and simple emotion. You will never be able to cuddle or snuggle without being pressed into your main function - having intercourse like a bunny.

 

And he will drop into doom and despair if you express that this bothers you, with many pleas to give him another chance to do it right. He will threaten suicide, claim he can't live without you, and when you try and reason with him, and remind him the rest of his family needs him, he will chant the rallying cry "but what about my needs? I need YOU!"

 

My dear individual - when this starts to bother you - walk away. This person craves contact to the extent you need a second set of organs to support him. He needs sexual contact only a robot could keep up with. He will attempt to guilt trip you into his level of comfort - which no healthy human finds comfortable. And he craves approval and praise like a toddler.

 

But he will provide and lavish you with care, enable any addictions or issues you have, and all the while protest how much he loves you.

 

For your sanity and his, walk away. He has rejected counseling, but needs it badly before he can be the real man of anyone's dreams.

 

Sincerely,

Mese

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I sure hope not - I was married to him for 15 years - it only became so apparent when he retired from the military and he was home allllll the time. Before then deployments meant it was small and short doses!

 

But - he is on ex-gf number 5 or 6 in the past 7 years... so possible!!! (And oddly, it's been reassuring to ME that he has left a vapor trail of exes - because we all think at some point we could've tried harder, but it's not just me that gave up!)

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Dear ex's new futuristic thing -

 

 

I just want to tell you, that my ex is very idealistic. You will be swept off your feet in a way that you never were in your entire life. He is incredibly charming, warm, and hilarious! He is so attentive, you will think you are the luckiest woman on the planet. He'll remember everything about you. It won't occur to you to feel creeped out, because it seems so damn endearing. He's incredibly loving in the beginning - Limerence hits him hard. He will want to move very, very fast - Please slow him down(well really - Run - But if you won't run, slow down). I slowed him down but he won't relent until you are on the same page as he is.

 

But it stops there. Once you undoubtedly make human or innocuous mistake that might threaten his security, it will go downhill from there. PLEASE be careful about the intimate things you share with him - He will take on a very understanding stance, but he'll use those very things against you when he feels hurt. He aims to hurt and he goes for the throat. Watch carefully - You see how insignificant he tries to make you feel? That's his achilles heel - He needs to make sure you feel just as low as he does. It is very intentional.

 

You will never be enough for him. And it's not because you aren't a good woman, but because he has a big void that no one can fill. He wants you to fill it for him. He will resent you when you cannot. And he will lash out and hurt you in any way he can. He wants you to love him the way a mother can. And you can't. Please understand this, you can't fill that gap. No matter what you do, nor should you. Romantic relationships between adults really are not unconditional in the style of maternal/paternal love. You can't love away his pain. Please trust me.

 

He will start by upping the ante with the sarcasm and poking fun at one another - What used to be a shared "thing" between you quickly escalates into obvious demeaning, berating comments. He will throw or break things in fits of anger, often. And eventually, he will turn that hand on you. He will be possessive, and will call your male friends or exes and 'stake' his claim on you. He will try to isolate you from your family. He wants and demands to be the one and only in your life. You will lose your friends. You might lose your family if you stay.

 

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE BIRTH CONTROL. I didn't. I have his child now, and it has been both a source of massive pride(because he is the most beautiful baby in the world, of course!), and shame for me. I feel very embarrassed. I didn't value myself enough at the time to understand these things were NOT NORMAL. But it ended when I was pregnant and I never went back. Please be strong. PLEASE. He will treat your child on par as he treats you. I am so ashamed I didn't pick a better father.

 

Despite your child being a part of him, he will view them as competition. He will use your child to hurt you, over and over and over again. Anything that gets in the way of the attention that he demands. He's never met our child and on one hand, I'm very glad he hasn't because he only continues to downward spiral. He will not financially provide. He will do nothing for your baby. Nothing. He will hide out and duck, he is content to live out of a cardboard box.

 

I will send you the birth control if you need it, Plan B, condoms, I got you! He wants more children - Please, please do not give them to him. He doesn't care at all about the one that he has, and he has said awful things during his rage fits. Your children wouldn't escape that, either.

 

I am so sorry you landed up here. I hope you are stronger than I am.

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Dear Ex's new boyfriend,

 

Don't have much to warn you. If she's still the same, she's a great girlfriend and will be extremely commited and caring for you for many years ahead... until the day she falls for another random guy and cheats you, just like she did to me. But you'll deserve that because you knew she was in a happy relationship before you cowardly stole her from me, getting her drunk and everything, while I was miles away. Just know that you'll never be able to trust her 100%. She tells you that she'll always be there for you? That trust and honesty are the most important things? That she won't cheat you because she loves you and therefore she's immune to other guys?? It's all lies. That's exactly what she told me all the time, until the very end.

 

Although after what she did to me, she probably won't do it ever again, so you're in for a world of luck ahead. Enjoy what you stole from me. I'll be more alert both for guys like you and girls like her for my future.

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Dear For the Love of God please do not exist yet

 

She is imperfect. She is too proud, a bit immature and wimsy.

 

Yet I love her. I always will. She broke my heart to oblivion, yet I respect her for it and want her to be happy. Her choosing her own path just makes me appreciate her strength even more. She gave me her all and stayed with me longer than I could ever have hoped for. She deserves happiness more than anyone else I have met in my life. The world is a better place with her in it.

 

She is determined, beautiful, caring and loyal. You better treat her right. I cry so hard writing this to you - please let her be the best she can be.

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If someone helps another person cheat..then basically steals that person away from their significant other..they totally deserve everything they get (which, you can be sure will involve THEM getting cheated on. Once a cheater, always a cheater.)

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Why can I never seem to end up with a great guy like you?

 

 

 

Dear For the Love of God please do not exist yet

 

She is imperfect. She is too proud, a bit immature and wimsy.

 

Yet I love her. I always will. She broke my heart to oblivion, yet I respect her for it and want her to be happy. Her choosing her own path just makes me appreciate her strength even more. She gave me her all and stayed with me longer than I could ever have hoped for. She deserves happiness more than anyone else I have met in my life. The world is a better place with her in it.

 

She is determined, beautiful, caring and loyal. You better treat her right. I cry so hard writing this to you - please let her be the best she can be.

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Why is it that relationship disasters always seem to start with one partner pushing for things to become serious, way too quickly? I know all of mine started that way, too.

 

Sorry you've had a rough time of it. Your ex sounds totally emotionally abusive. Hopefully you can get custody of your child so that the child won't have to be subjected to it.

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Hopefully you can get custody of your child so that the child won't have to be subjected to it.

 

I am. In a week and a half is my last court date.

 

Why is it that relationship disasters always seem to start with one partner pushing for things to become serious, way too quickly?

 

link removed

 

A good read, take a peek.

 

My responsibility for biting, as well.

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