Depressed About my Past

[soporcogitavi]

I recently posted a thread called my past.

 

I thought id share some details into my past, to show you some of the events that occurred in an attempt to get resolution.

 

I was kind of nerdy when I started high school, but made friends that I had for a couple years. I noticed that if I made fun of people in high school, some kids from the cool group would start talking to me. This eventually turned against me, and I ended up losing my current friends and being made fun of, constantly by everyone. I was punched in the stomach, called gay, someone set my locker on fire.

 

I ended up leaving that school in grade 9 and went to another, once again i made friends, there were small incidences but nothing big.

 

I then went to college had lots of friends in the beginning, then I bad mouthed a couple people behind their backs, lied to a good friend (that friend ended up being my enemy and convincing everyone I was a loser), I also made some dumb degrading comments about myself as a joke. when all of this info came out and was spread around, I was ridiculed and made fun of worse than ever, and the funny thing is that people from both of the high schools I went to became friends and got together to make fun of me. It was non stop, even my best friends made fun of me. People tried to fight me or beat me up when I went out to bars. My name with profanities was spray painted on the walls at my college. This was ongoing until 21/22. I was called all kinds of names. I felt like I was literally the loser of my city, even unpopular people thought I was a loser.

 

I literally had no friends left except for maybe 1 or 2 that were embarassed to hang out with me, even some people were telling my girlfriend at the time to break up with me. the good thing was because of this seclusion i ended up studying my ass off and getting out of their quickly.

 

Later when I would run into people, I would literally pretend I didnt know them when i was face to face and introduced to them. Sometimes I'd even give them a different name.

 

When I went to university, things were much better, there were times where I crossed the path of some people and they didnt want to talk to me but I made friends and went out. I ended up having alot of friends and being the cool guy within my circle, to the point that since this was the first time I was really cool, I went out so often I ended up neglecting my girlfriend that I was with throughout College and we ended up breaking up (I dont regret this at all because im with an amazing women now, just trying to prove a point). I eventually ended up stopping to talk to those friends I made in university because I was annoyed by them or felt like they werent intelligent enough, or on another path just wanted to party all the time and I was more serious.

 

Either I consistently drive people away by being a loser or judgmental or people just hate me in general.

 

I do know that some people are jealous of me, Im a good looking guy and pretty sociable, and girls often want to date me, but I doubt thats the reason why all this happened.

 

Now I am married, have a son, have an extremely well paying job, have a couple of good friends, but the thought of what went on back then drives me nuts. Even one of the friends I have now, I have the feeling doesnt care that much about me, as I always make the effort, he may also be jealous of me, as his life situation is pretty pathetic and he has absolutely no ambition. He's been a longstanding friend, but during my tough period he even said to some people that I wouldnt stop bothering him to hang out

 

I ended up just adopting the attitude of not caring about people and being a little bit of an @$$hole.

 

Im in my mid 30's now and still think about this.

 

Werent people supposed to change in college, it seems as if I was the only loser and people just hated me.

 

I think that people will still see me that way if they cross paths with me. I feel that people dont like me, that im a loser for only have a couple friends.

 

Any help is appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[happyfrank]

Those couple friends are real friends. Pretty pathetic and he has absolutely no ambition friend goals shouldn't matter to you. Everybody is different, who are we to care about goals. The most important goal is their alive and well. Your good looking and guys will be jealous of the attention you would get in college and talking bad was attempt to get one up on you. That's normal young adult behavior. People will see you differently walking around with your son. They will see what I would see. Good father and I believe that's what really is important. If people don't like you for that, who needs them.

[soporcogitavi]

I think about the fact that I would even give people a different name because I was so insecure and it makes me feel sick. And they knew it was me. I think what a loser I was for doing that.

[DancingFool]

Looks to me like you were just flat out mean to people. You made fun of them, you badmouthed them, you lied to your friends. You didn't have friends because you were not being a friend to anyone. When you hurt people and betray friends, it really shouldn't be a surprise that people will turn on you and hate your guts going forward.

 

It would be a really good idea if you dropped this whole internal view of yourself as a loser and start respecting yourself a whole lot more. For people to like you and connect, you have to like yourself. The self loathing, the "I'm a loser" permeates everything you do and all your interactions with people. It makes you mean.

 

as his life situation is pretty pathetic and he has absolutely no ambition

- this is what you think of your friend? How incredibly demeaning. He likely senses your attitude, so it's not jealousy that is distancing him, it's how you view him, which is really rather nasty of you. When I think of my friends, words like pathetic do not come into the picture. Who wants to be friends with someone who looks down on them like that?

[annie24]

You've posted several threads on this topic. Have you considered going into therapy to address these issues?

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.