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Should I cease contact with my ex's mother/family?


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My ex's mother filled the spot in my life that I hadn't had filled since my mother died when I was very young. She and I are very close. I also lived in their home for sometime, so I became one of their own. My ex broke up with me and is now dating another girl, his mother continues to talk to me and with me falling into depressing after these events she has been the mother's shoulder I've needed to cry on. She doesn't condone what her son has done, but supports him in making his own choices. She and her son are the only people I've ever opened up to in my life, so it is very hard to cut that off especially when I'm going through such a desperate time.

 

I understand though that this could not be helpful. I admit that though I am moving forward and no longer waiting for something to happen, given the circumstances of the break I have some hope that one day he might realize this was all a mistake and come back. That hope is not something I can omit from my feelings even though I know it isn't healthy. With that being said I fear keeping in touch with his family will push him further away from me, especially because I believe this has to do with a rebellious stage he is going through. It will be really hard to just remove someone who is like a mother to me from my life, but must I do this? I fear it is unhealthy for him, myself, and his mother? How should I cope with this loss when I already am experiencing one?

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This is rough. But when a relationship breaks up, you don't only lose the person but your relationship with their family also changes status.. For most people, they wish the family well and then break ties. Part of it is, you know their first allegiance will always be to their child. No matter if your partner caused the break up. Another part of it is, you are no longer so-and-so's girlfriend. You are an Ex, which is no longer a potential in-laws. Only in-laws become part of the family. At best, you could become a friend of the family, but for a lot of people it's awkward seeing their Ex move on to date other people. To marry another woman. To resent the fact that his Ex is still contacting his family.

 

Imagine the reverse. If you were in his shoes. You broke up with an Ex but he continued communication with your father and family members. Maybe you wouldn't care, but wouldn't part of you resent the fact that your new person won't be given the chance he deserves to get to know your family without indirect comparison to your Ex in their hearts and minds?

 

It's painful, but I think you should distant yourself from your Ex's family a bit so you can heal. In time, you can catch up with his mother for coffee. You two can still remain friendly but I would caution you not to involve yourself in his family life (going to family events, holidays).. In time you'll move on, and when/if you marry hopefully you will develop a close relationship with your spouse's family.

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With that being said I fear keeping in touch with his family will push him further away from me, especially because I believe this has to do with a rebellious stage he is going through.

 

I think that you are viewing him as a child, and he's an adult. Perhaps part of accepting this breakup is to stop placing external blame, i.e., it's not a phase he's going through, but an actual choice he made, for whatever reason.

 

It does sound incredibly unhealthy for you to be leaning on his mother this way. Maybe this breakup will be a good opportunity for you to start making friends and building your own support system.

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I think that you are viewing him as a child, and he's an adult. Perhaps part of accepting this breakup is to stop placing external blame, i.e., it's not a phase he's going through, but an actual choice he made, for whatever reason.

 

It does sound incredibly unhealthy for you to be leaning on his mother this way. Maybe this breakup will be a good opportunity for you to start making friends and building your own support system.

 

^This. Also, if you don't walk away on your own, one of these days his mother may well tell you herself that it's high time you moved on already and that will hurt even worse than what you are going through right now. The mother may be there for you for awhile, but I doubt she is much interested in doing that for long.

 

As bullet says, time to focus on building your own friendships and a support system. Boyfriends will come and go, you need to have your own people who will always be there for you and on your side.

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I think that you are viewing him as a child, and he's an adult. Perhaps part of accepting this breakup is to stop placing external blame, i.e., it's not a phase he's going through, but an actual choice he made, for whatever reason.

 

It does sound incredibly unhealthy for you to be leaning on his mother this way. Maybe this breakup will be a good opportunity for you to start making friends and building your own support system.

 

Yes, perhaps I worded that wrongly. He is younger than me and I am young as well. When seeking answers a lot of observers have said that it is a thing teenage boys do. I held him very highly and mature in our relationship and believe that the hurt of the fall partly came from me not considering his inexperience. I didn't mean to sound like I was patronizing him, but it was an entire life shift for him when we broke up and many people have told me he has not been acting at all like himself. This leads me to believe he is trying new things and going through a so-called stage. I no longer blame him for ending the relationship nor did I really ever, (it was more myself I blamed) but I care for him and wouldn't want to see him lose sight of himself. Perhaps it isn't a stage, it's just something I suppose I tell myself so who he was isn't thought of as dead and gone.

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I was close to my ex's mother as well. She told me she was sorry that her son hurt me. she told me to call her when I am happy again and let her know. I haven't done that, and probably won't ...I miss her, but also, for me, I know that I am not a good liar and I don't want her to have any indication if I still hurt or whatever (don't want him to know).....I know it's hard, but maybe for at least awhile, yes, break ties.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

I tried staying in touch with my ex's family and Id id stay in touch, but...just on fb pretty much. I tried once to bring his younger sister a bday present. It was

completely awkward and the energy's weren't right. I do not believe I will ever step foot inside that house again. I am still very close to his grandmother. It has nothing

to do with me wanting to talk about my ex at all though. His gma and me just clicked, so as long as it doesn't involve us meeting up with my ex, I see no problem with it.

 

It's a problem if you aren't over him yet. Once you are over him entirely, you can try communicating with her, if you even will want to. I don't really try communicating with any of my ex's family anymore. The grandma pops her head in once in a while to talk for a minute on facebook, that's about as deep as her and I go lol!

 

Right now though, from what you posted you have hope and hope is a killer. If you mentioned her son too much to her, she may resent you and

her choice to communicate any further. I'd let the conversations get shorter and shorter and eventually dwindle off completely, at least until you are

happy and in a new relationship.

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