feeling suicidal

[rednew]

So I posted here some time ago and replied in other people's threads and thought I may be on to something (appreciating my work, trying to live in the present). The thing is- 'they don't work'. Work cannot possibly be a replacement for a love relationship, nor the 'small things in life' can. I feel as though over a year of my life post-breakup has just been taken away from me. I'm not an actual person, but a machine. The minute I get off work, I turn into a pathetic crawling being. Even my relation to work has been deteriorating...it's now mixed with the same anxiety and sense of no-hope.

About six months after the break-up I've dated another man- for about 2 months. And history repeating, I got the same message as from my previous relationship- that I am easy to leave (well, I 'left' then, but I was sort of forced to- you know, that passive departure scheme, where one just goes off and waits for the partner to 'call it'). At this point, I'm supposed to live with this. I go to bed with the truth that, for some reason, I'm not worth much as a partner, that I'm definitely not worth the effort of an attempt to work things out. And honestly, I don't know how to live with it. I'm actually seriously thinking about suicide these days...I was even contemplating how to do it.

When I dated this second guy I was apparently still capable of a relationship, now I'm not. So the work is complete, so to speak- I'm entirely paralyzed. I actually feel too damaged and messed-up to go on living. I assume my choice of partner was wrong the second time around or the way I handled the relationship was wrong because I don't know what the f**k I'm doing...or maybe it was just bad luck haha. Either way, the consequences are disastrous.

I can't go see a therapist, btw, it's not covered by insurance and literally I have no money for it- it's either eating + paying rent or therapist.

[lerenard]

Hey there,

I am feeling for you. Believe me, everybody has a past, and sometimes its very dark. I never felt suicidal, even though I think I went through a lot in my young life. But I had troubles valuing my own life at some point. I know that it is hard to see the good in life when you are in such dark place.

 

What nothing can replace is you own life, your own chance to incarnate, to have a healthy, operating body and brain. I always tell people that as long as you have your health - at least physical - you have no right to complain. And the best cure for depression is active life style, sport and a healthy diet. If you keep lying around, being static, eating bunch of junk food - you will feel worthless and like your life goes by without a point.

 

You can not wait for somebody to appear in your life, and love you, when you hate yourself so much you think about killing yourself. Its a very egoistic way of living. Nobody is obliged to take you out of your misery, only you yourself can become happy, and then find somebody to have a life with you. Break ups are hard, but they are a part of your life, and you can`t change it.

 

There should be free help centers, or psychologists that work in support centers. You say nothing about friends/family, that can support you. Do you have someone you can talk to?

 

I can also advice you you find yourself a hobby, something to keep you busy, so you don't have time to analyze and over-analyze your past relationships and feel sorry for yourself. Start helping other people in struggles, adopt a pet from a shelter, feed homeless people, paint, start a diary.... there is so much you can do with your life. Meditation and a good night sleep will help you too. The only thing you need is your strong will to be happy and determination. Healing takes time. But it also needs actions from you. And by actions I don't mean another relationship to try to forget the previous one. Good luck, dear. You will be just fine.

[rednew]

No offense, but you don't seem to be understanding much of my post. For instance, I am busy enough, which is part of the problem: if my only option is to run away and avoid thinking about what I've been through, then, for my own standards of what it means to be human, I shouldn't be alive. And btw, I don't really need to be called egoistic right now- maybe it's best to save that label for people who really deserve it (e.g. who harm others just to make themselves happy etc.)

[H3nk1]

Friend. I relate so much. Years of depression. Found a girl I loved dearly. Pushed her away for the second time after 4.5 years together a few weeks ago.

 

She was my sole meaningful life facet. And while that of course is unhealthy, it is the truth. I never found any refuge and meaning in my hobbies, education or career.

 

And now, I am so broken it all too often feels like cannot go on. To struggle and struggle and struggle through the years.

 

All I know is that I need help to make it. I have had alot of therapy. I know basically HOW my life ended up like this. Maybe you do too deep down.

 

But it does not help me to "understand". I wish it did. I need help to somehow forgive myself and find reasons let myself get better.

 

I will not bore you with advice. But know that I hope you will find it in yourself to get whatever form of help you can. Even if it is not in the form of expensive therapy. Please do not give yourself up. I know I have given up on me. And I do not wish that feeling on anyone.

 

My point is. You need someone just to listen. Who will not judge you. Or guilt you too much with well-meant advice you currently are unable to process.

[rednew]

Well, interestingly enough, there doesn't seem to be anybody to listen. Ironic that this site is called 'not alone' as I feel more alone after posting this here. So much for reaching out I suppose, many thanks to all those 49 people who viewed the post and decided to ignore it.

[lerenard]

I put time and effort into my answer to your post - you only felt offended. H3nk1 took time to answer you too, still, you concentrate on every person who did non answer you.

 

I don't want to be ever more offensive, but I do think wanting a relationship with somebody in your stage of mind will be egoistic. And you will possibly hurt someone if you start dating now, when you have no self-esteem and so much doubt in life. You will be clingy and dependent. Still, all you seem to seek is another relationship, because you believe that a partner by your side should magically solve all your issues, and life is pointless without one.

 

If you are feeling suicidal - you need therapy, everyone here will tell you that. I am sorry if you are feeling down, but there is no need to be angry with people who come here and try to help you.

[H3nk1]

Well, interestingly enough, there doesn't seem to be anybody to listen. Ironic that this site is called 'not alone' as I feel more alone after posting this here. So much for reaching out I suppose, many thanks to all those 49 people who viewed the post and decided to ignore it.

 

I understand.. I am sure more people will pitch in this thread, it has just been up a few hours. There are loads more forums online which deal with all things related to heart breaks, depression and suicudal feelings.

 

Some feedback is better than none I hope. Many of us have been, or are in your shoes..

[Kimcwell]

I would suggest you at least go and see a doctor. There are medications that can help you with the depression, and maybe he/she can suggest a place to seek therapy that charges on a sliding scale basis, i.e. pay what you can.

[sunshinesmiles]

Sounds like you need to aquire more self confidence. You are letting your love life run your entire life. Why do you feel the need to be defined by relationships? the only one that really matters is the relationship you have with yourself. Work on YOU. Build more confidence. I recommend getting a gym membership and build mental and physical strength. You need to live yourself If you ever expect someone to love you. I happen to know a lot of people who beat depression by working out a.d building self confidence, so I truly believe it can help. Don't give up yet...your job here isn't done. Get well..there Mau be someone out there that YOU can help.

 

Sent from my LG-MS770 using Tapatalk

[bluemoon]

Hi! I was in a similar emotionally intense situation and am also dealing with depression.

My self-worth was directly linked with any kind of rejection and it continued to affect me for over a year. The cause of it was my dad who lives abroad, cutting off all contact with me.

It affected my work for college and also how I felt with guys who I was into and on top of that pretty much feeling worthless and like a burden at home too. I remember wanting to go on break with a guy I was seeing because I was having anxiety issues and low confidence in the relationship and it was shaking me up pretty bad and when I mentioned the break he immediately called it off. I was heartbroken because I'd opened myself to him and thought he would have understood. He then continued to be an a** and it took me a good few months before I stopped blaming myself for everything and to realise that it was less to do with the guy but more to do with other emotionally raw things (i.e my dad rejecting me)

 

After two years I've come a long way and am beginning to un-link my self-worth from external factors. It can be really daunting and very lonely but the only way around it is to make peace with yourself, do pep talks (i know this sounds lame). The mind can be a really powerful. We don't have choice on the things that pop into our minds, but our mind sure has tools to allow us to cope. One thing that helps me when my inner voice becomes self-destructive and focuses on everything I'm unhappy with is reminding myself it's the depression. Just even saying 'Oh HI depression' helps sometimes because you are acknowledging that your feelings and perspective is tainted aswel as your judgement.

 

Taking a break from relationships would be good idea as it's easy to start depending on someone else for your happiness which will always lead to dissappointment

[bluemoon]

To larlequin,

 

i'm a neutral party that read your comment. I understand it wasn't in your intention to offend the OP but what you have missed from her post is the general notion of not feeling good enough. The way you phrased your sentence came accross as critical and not compassionate as the term egoistic has a very negative vibe to it.

As to the clingy and the dependent bit... um you do realise that this is very much a generalisation and can be perceived as a quick judgement? For example: I'm in a relationship and dealing with depression but I am never clingy. It's completely relative to the circumstances of a relationship! You are right about expecting another person to 'make it all better' or the fill the 'gap' but it could have been worded in a less patronising tone.

 

 

( A note to the OP: I used to think in the past that if I was in a relationship I would feel less lonely and more accepted but I have learned over the past that the only way I can feel this is once I accept myself. When I started to feel like myself again and like I was okay with being on my own and started to believe in myself, a guy who I had fancied for two years walked into my life and he's special to me in so many ways and we are now going out. He is very affirmative in how he feels with me, but I almost want to tell him to stop always complimenting me as I used to value my worth by others. This then made me more aware of the times when he wasn't complimenting me and in that sense I I was depending again on external acceptance because I would read into it when not given, so one thing I would suggest is to build your confidence and find ways of accepting yourself. People give and take inconsistently and you're only reliable source for affirmation would be to accept yourself as the great and worthy person you are

[sophi3]

maybe you're trying too hard to shield yourself from the pain? like what bluemoon says, it's also good to acknowledge sadness, maybe you can set a time period for grieving before doing what you do on a normal day.

[Ms Darcy]

Comment Deleted .......... Was going to respond but then I saw your response in posts 3 and 5.