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Grieving process. Is it really bad to avoid the feeling??


kuma123

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I made a post before about how I had to break up with my boyfriend I stayed with for three years.

 

Of course, It is extremely painful and heartbreaking but I'm trying my best to function such as going to work and smiling at my customers as usual.

 

Many many things around me (just really normal things) remind me of him. And every time I think of the times we had together, I try my best to switch what im thinking about even when I feel like I'm dying inside on the back of my mind.

 

So.. is it really bad to avoid the feeling? I hate feeling so heavy hearted because of this. I know its fine to cry, but Ive been crying for three days. I had history of borderline personality disorder and depression in the past.. And I'm afraid that constantly letting out these negative emotions will bring them back..!

 

I've read that bottling ul these feelings will never allow me to move on and just make me grieve later on..So what should I do. Force them out so I wont feel so terrible later?

 

Im part time working as this moment.. And my semester starts in less than three weeks.. I do not want to be still crying and feeling this terrible by then..

 

So please, any words of wisdom of how a human being should handle break ups and how much a person should grief?

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There are no rules or guidelines.

When I ended an 8 yr relationship due to his cheating...I grived the loss for months. But I vowed that I would go to work every day and not break down. Hold it together until I started the commute home. And I cried sometimes as soon as I hit the subway stairs.

 

Time will heal you. Let out the anger and the grief and promise yourself you will spend 5 less minutes a day thinking about that which you cannot change. It will pass if you let it.

 

But you MUST let go and move on.

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Thank you very much for your words of encouragement!

Yeah, I should still do everything I need to do and try my best to function every day.. and let these sad feelings pass as time passes by.

I hope he heals as soon as possible too..

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There are no written rules for how a person is to handle a breakup, every person is different and handles things differently depending on their type of personality and nature. I could, however, give you thoughts on what I feel works for me based on my past experiences.

I think too often a lot of people advice doing anything in your power to get the other person out of your head and to try and avoid any thoughts of them whatsoever. I have to disagree with that. I think you have to embrace the good thoughts as well as the bad of the person you have broken up with. Why deny yourself remembering something that was once a good time for you and that, at that time, had made you extremely happy?

Having those thoughts soon after a heartbreaking split may be hurtful initially, but in time you will reach a point of acceptance of what was inevitable (the breakup), and that at once you were very happy with him but you are much better off without him in your life.

And to me, crying is a wonderful stress reducer. And there is no limit on the amount of crying you should do. Who's counting? Crying doesn't make you a pathetic, weak person, it makes you an emotional person that is able to love very deeply. Considerate yourself fortunate.

I usually save my most personal, intimate thoughts of an ex for times when I am alone and can view my memories clearly and without interruption. I work those memories like a movie that I review over and over until my needs of him and of what we had are fulfilled. You will notice that in time those memories start to fade a little and it will become harder and harder to remember certain things and your heart won't be beating as much in your throat as it once had. That, my dear, is when your healing has started. And that is when you will know that things are going to be OK.

This is what helps me move forward. Not with anger, but with an acceptance that everyone has the right to choose who he/she is with and cannot be blamed or cursed for not choosing me. They have that right just as I have the same right.

Not to diminish the feelings we feel when our heart is breaking. It is a physical pain and it takes time and patience, a lot of crying and a renewed understanding of ourselves that help us recover from it. But it is accomplishable and most of us come out in a much better place and a much stronger person than we once were.

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Wow.. thank you very much for your great advice! It made me feel a bit more optimistic about the future.

Yes, I agree that having to experience such wonderful times is a blessing, so I shouldnt take those memories so negatively..

I'll take it in small steps and allow myself to take time..

i also wish him a lot of happiness ahead of him...!

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What hurts even more is that he is the best friend in the whole world to me.. I honestly don't want to ruin our friendship and he cherishes our friendship too.

 

At this moment, I'm doing the NC. But he told me how acting so coldly to him is not right and will ruin our friendship.

but honestly.. i feel like NC is the best option at this moment. I told him "Normally talking to you will just cause both of us more pain. We need to adjust to our new beginning"

 

And today was our very first NC... Maybe he got the sign...

 

Is NC really the best choice? If yes, When is it good to talk to him again and be friends again...?

 

Also, Is taking away all his gifts and things that are around my room and putting them away somewhere a good idea since they keep reminding me of him..? Or is that just avoiding the feelings in a negative way.

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He's telling you that because it makes him feel better being in contact with you. It is not up to you to make the breakup easier for him, you do whatever you can to make it easier for you. And NC is definitely the way to go.

I don't think being friends with him right now will do you any good. Your feelings are still too deep and by remaining friends you will always keep the constant hope alive that you will get back together.

I know it is hard losing your best friend. Most serious couples do consider their partner their best friend. But you will find another best friend and one that will probably treat you much better than your ex. Letting go isn't easy but sometimes it is necessary and in the long run, beneficial.

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Thank you for your advice!

That's what I'm planning to do, I hope it works out well

I boxed his gifts just couple of hours ago. It was terribly agonizing but... made me realize how he gave me so many gifts.. I loved all of them, it was hard to put them away, but I stuffed the boxes inside the deepest part of the closet.

 

I'll open them.. someday.. maybe.

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It is deep and somewhere in my heart I'm still thinking how we could be together again.

I think it's time I get used to being single. We've been mostly relying on each other for emotional suport, so it is extremely difficult. I have no desire to find someone any time soon, but I'm sure I'll make another best friend somewhere along the way. Thanks a lot again!

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Moving on from a breakup is difficult, but you have to remind yourself that you are broken up for a reason. There"s something better out there for you and you just have to believe it. Its normal to grieve and cry and feel sad but surround yourself with people that love you, remind yourself of your worth. Yes you had good times together but better times are out there waiting for you with someone else. You have to believe that there's something better out there for you and once you do, the sun will begin to shine again and you will be able to move on. Breakups are hard but what usually holds us back is believing we can not do better, but the truth is that we can and sometimes the breakup happens to teach us that. You can check out my blog for tips on moving on from a break up. Wish you all the best!!

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