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She left me for her alcoholic ex-boyfriend & said that we didn't have a future


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Hello,

 

My now ex-girlfriend (Lisa) and I recently decided to break up (a mutual choice) because she see couldn't stop loving and pining after her ex, who she said was an alcoholic. She drank quite a bit herself. I don't know how to cope. It's been just a few days and I'm dying inside, seconds at a time.

 

When it happened, I told her that we she was the person I wanted, and that I would work with her, but she said that, although she loved me, she didn't see a future with me. She said that we had little in common.

 

A little on her... She is 41, her father was an abusive alcoholic and has a history of dating alcoholics. She was married to an alcoholic. My own family has a lot of drinkers, so we bonded, although I wasn't much of one. I was the reactionary. Her and I, while we occasionally drank, made working out the cornerstone of our relationship. We had some problems in the past, but I did everything to keep the relationship going. I went to her favorite places, waited with champagne at the end of her races, planned our trips together, took care of her while she was sick, random nice..ities, while focusing on keeping myself healthy, focused on improving myself and loving her. After a while, she started telling me that I was caring too much, and too nice, so I started backing off, trying to do less. I loved her much, and would have done anything, including leaving my job (where I was recently promoted twice in two years) in order to make it better.

 

A few days ago, on new years eve, moments after we were laughing, having fun and leaving a local horse racing track, she stumbled onto her ex-boyfriend and froze. She was completely despondent. After we got into our car, she broke down crying, saying that she could not get over her ex. Several days prior, I saw her exchanging messages with him and she broke down crying on new years eve because her "family" didn't send her a new years message (which I interpreted as a sign that she was missing her ex). During the time, we were partying with her friends (all heavy drinkers) and friends of her ex.

 

On that ride home, I told her that I couldn't take it anymore. It had been 2 years since her breakup, and her constant pining over him was killing me.

 

Shortly thereafter, I stopped by her house and picked up my things. She told me not to do this, but I left anyway, on impulse and not knowing what to expect.

 

Two days later, after not hearing anything about her, I phoned her and she responded that she had been crying and throwing up for two days. She said that she loved me, but couldn't continue the relationship any longer. She said that her loving her ex was too unfair to me. I asked her if she would be willing to go to couples counseling with me. She immediately said no, and said that she would be the one that needs to go. She told me that her ex, who she left because he was a heavy drinker two years prior, was in a different place and so was she. She added that they were both scared about getting into a relationship. She followed up by saying that she never saw a future with me. I told her that it might have been because she couldn't let him go. She stayed quiet. I was devastated and started sobbing (but not begging) saying that I had done everything to show her my unconditional love, that I accepted her and that we could work though it. She told me that she needed time to figure things out, although it was obvious that she was going to give her ex another shot.

 

I hung up the phone and was absolutely devastated. I'm unable to eat, work.. Things are getting better by the day, but despite her leaving me for her ex, I miss her a lot. It feels worse to know things were going so well until a few minutes before she saw him. The sex was incredible, we were moving forward.. Yet, admittedly after 1.5 years of seeing each other, she never spoke of a future together with me.

 

Her ex, as I understood from her, was an alcoholic who neglected her. They rarely slept with each other; he didn't show much intimacy and drank a lot. From what I could tell, he was her travel companion and always there for her, although would not be willing to give her anymore. She often told me (sometimes in tears) that she wished that he would love her. I knew that her leaving was always there, but I was too much of a coward to let her go. I loved her too much and wanted her for myself. And, now, I sit here, writing, thinking about the stronger thing to do.

 

I realize that our breaking up is a good thing, that I wasn't her main man, despite being her boyfriend, but rather a long-term rebound that might have been there while he grew into whatever he is now. She didn't see me in her future and told me that, no matter what I did to try to show her. I realize that I was a coward. Yet, I do love her and have, through my understanding grown strong, and this now means letting her go. And, I don't want to be angry, and want to understand that I knew that he was there the entire time, and love and fear kept me there. I fell in love in the woman that she wanted to be when she left her six year relationship that drove her to gain 60 pounds and go through a lot of pain. She ran to become the beautiful person that I wanted her to be, and ran back to him to show him this new beautiful person that I watched her cultivate.

 

I'd like to never return to this, and am would very much like your thoughts on what I should do at this point, without falling into hating her. ????

 

Thanks for patiently reading through my long post. It helped to put it all down and hope it helps describe where I am..

 

S

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Accept responsibility for your actions. You knew from the get go that she is not really into you and not over her ex. Yet you persevered and tried to change her and mold her into who you want her to be. That never works and she is who she is. So she didn't do anything to you. You wasted your time with your eyes wide open. Accept it and never do it again. Lesson learned - you can't change people and you can't make them love you when they don't.

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A little on her... She is 41, her father was an abusive alcoholic and has a history of dating alcoholics. She was married to an alcoholic.

 

Sadly, she is and will continue to play out the same psychological drama that was imprinted on her as a child. Codependency is the name of the game in families with alcoholism in them and it's just too easy to form that same type of attachment in later romantic relationships. That means anyone who is an alcoholic will catch her attention first and foremost and she won't likely be able to have anything healthy or sane in the way of a relationship. Until the day she admits her own issues are every bit as much a product of alcohol as the alcoholic's are and she gets therapy to change that. I know this because my dad was an alcoholic too and I had to get counseling as a teen and make myself walk every step of the way away from alcohol and those who use it. If I hadn't done that do I think I would have ended up like your ex? Yeah, probably since especially in my younger years the guys I was most attracted to were all alcoholics and/or addicts of one sort or another.

 

It took me a long time to want and accept a really truly healthy relationship and I have it now. This girl told you from the start that she wasn't over her ex as well and that's always a bad sign that means they are using you one way or another and not really with you, because they just love you. Go NC, heal and then focus on finding someone who loves you and wants to be with you, not an ex and not an ex with issues.

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Thank you mhowe.. This is certainly part of my plan.. I realize that I also live in a family of alcoholics .. I am planning to go to Al-Anon, or some other group forum, where I could be exposed to more people like myself. I really miss her a lot, and I realize that my love is as much a form of addiction as the alcohol is..

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@ Wild Texas.. Thanks for your thoughts.. I have and can't say that I won't love again..

 

When I first met her, she said that she loved me, invited me into her home, yet I saw the signs.. If I am culpable of anything, it wasn't walking out as soon as I realized that she couldn't get over him. I stayed, and because of this, I am accountable and feel it in the deepest pockets of my stomach (when I sleep, eat, work ..) Loving the alcoholic dependent (which my father and brothers are), is a strong force. I felt as if I gave up on her, that I would be giving up on my own family (who drinks and smokes incessantly).

 

I made no attempt to mold her. In fact, I stayed very close to her, and drank at every opportunity, only stopping that when I realized that I would have to drive us around. I did hope for change, however, that she slowed down .. but instead it was more than I could handle.. And, she drank with her friends to the point where I clearly didn't fit in.. In this way, I didn't try to remold her, only realized that I didn't fit her mold myself and remained stuck in a vicious cycle that ended with my abandonment.

 

She said that she loved me nearly every day (in text, in person, when we went to sleep), but the fact is that it doesn't mean anything as soon as left to return to her ex. I can't agree that she didn't do anything to me (because she drew me in to love her, told me those powerful words for over a year, and then decided that she would leave me).. But, one thing is certain.. I did this to myself.. and to that.. your words have made a strong impression upon me.. thank you..

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@ DancingFool.. Thanks for your thought..I don't completely agree, but it helps..

 

When I first met and started seeing her, she said that she loved me, invited me into her home, yet it took me a while to see the signs.. If I am culpable of anything, it wasn't walking out as soon as I realized that she couldn't get over her ex. She painfully tried to stop talking to him and, at one point, said that she would stop. I stayed, and because of this, I am accountable and feel it in the deepest pockets of my stomach (when I sleep, eat, work ..) Loving the alcoholic co-dependent (most of my family (brothers and dad) quality as alcoholics), is a strong force. I felt as if I gave up on her, that I would be giving up on my own family (who drinks and smokes incessantly).

 

I made no attempt to mold her. In fact, I stayed very close to her, and drank a lot by her side, only stopping that when I realized that I would have to be the DD. I did hope for change, however, I hoped that she slowed down .. but instead it was more than I could handle.. And, she drank with her friends to the point where I clearly didn't fit in.. I became an outsider. In this way, I didn't try to remold her, only realized that I didn't fit her mold myself and remained stuck in a vicious cycle that ended with my abandonment.

 

She said that she loved me nearly every day (in text, in person, when we went to sleep), but the fact is that it doesn't mean anything as soon as left to return to her ex. I can't agree that she didn't do anything to me (because she drew me in to love her, told me those powerful words for over a year, and then decided that she would leave me).. But, one thing is certain.. I did this to myself.. and to that.. your words (although harsh) have made a strong impression upon me.. thank you..

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@ ParisPauleete..

 

This helps a lot. I agree with you, and I don't think that she has fully admitted her issues.

 

I plan to stay NC (although it's only been 4 days) and look forward to healing. Thank God for this site.. In some strange way, I feel like my maintaining NC permanently will help me to regain my self respect; my pride and dignity rely on my being able to stay NC.

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