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Menopaws

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Hello.

Well, im kinda in a situation ... I have been talking to this guy since dec 2012. Online. In a videogame. Hes a great guy, suuuper sweet, caring, great listener, cute. Hes like my best friend, i tell him everything. What we have didnt just BAM happen, it blossomed with time. I know this because i used to be against LDRs. Now heres the thing, we waited a whole year to meet. We finally met in dec 2013. It was exciting, very good. Im just worried about myself a little bit. I fear im unable to open up to a great relationship.

 

I didnt feel "fireworks" , it was more like the nerves of meeting someone in person. Its a good thing im not sicl of him yet ir wanting him to leave asap. ( i dated once a guy that i got sick of him within weeks ) Now dont get me wrong, i care for the guy, but i dont know if im in love.. The type of love that makes me not care about logic, etc.

 

The plan was he was gonna stay for the whole month of dec. And depending how i felt he was to go home. Now hes sad cause he feels i dont want him anymore. Cause i told him im not ready to move in. In my head, we just met! like in person! Yea sure we know eachother online since dec 2012 but that doesnt count right? Hes from NY. He refuses to do this ldr thing and travel back and forth, he wants to formalize what we have by staying, but i feel its rushed.

 

I proposed him staying, getting a job then moving out to a studio but he refuses. So last night we talked again and now he will go back but wants me to go with him we leave a friday then i come back alone on a monday..he was sad but claims hes willing to wait. He just fears ill never be ready. I fear that too. But its how i feel...sometimes i wonder if im just defective...

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There would be NOTHING smart about moving in with a man that you don't even know, whose only interaction you've had is verbal. You need time to see if his words match his actions. So far, you have zero actions to show you that he's legit.

 

He's rushing things, that in itself is one huge red flag. Continue to listen to your gut and don't let him bamboozle you into anything until you know if he's a sociopath or not. For all you know, there are dead bodies buried in his basement, or he's got one just like you in every state.

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Honestly I think you are making the right decision. You guys have known each other for a yr BUT just met. Plus if one of you move, you have to think about employment and in this economy, its best to find employment before you move.

 

ALSO your gut tells you that you are not in love with this man.. your feelings for him is not romance but more like platonic friendship.

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You can feel lust for someone you just met in person, but you can't really expect to feel love. You are also correct in that a year of talking, while counting for something, is still a far cry from being a basis for moving in together. Ultimately, you don't know each other at all in real life and do need to spend some time getting to know each other face to face.

 

You say that you don't feel fireworks. I think that's kind of normal since you've been talking for so long. It's not like meeting a total stranger. On the positive side, you were comfortable with him being with you for this long. That's a good thing. A better question is not so much high emotions and fireworks, but do you feel physically attracted, sexually turned on by him? If not, then you probably need to pull the plug on this one.

 

Him demanding that you move in or move with him right now....yikes....big red flag. Stick to your guns and get to know him. He might have some serious issues you are not aware of yet. Don't allow him to blackmail you or guilt you into anything you are not comfortable with doing.

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I proposed him staying, getting a job then moving out to a studio but he refuses.

 

I think this is a perfectly reasonable solution. Did he say why he is refusing? IMO, he is the one who is being stubborn, not you.

 

It sounds like he just wants it his way, to be honest.

 

You want to take baby steps towards the relationship - which is both reasonable and wise. He wants to jump in whole hog and I'm not really sure there is a valid reason to push and rush it.

 

I agree that you should stand your ground. You are not refusing him. You have asked him to move to your city to be with you. He just wants to take two steps where you want to take one.

 

There is no "right" or "wrong" approach... but it does sound like he's not being very attentive to your concerns.

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Honestly there is nothing wrong with your decision. I've been talking to a guy online for 10 years and we haven't met yet, he also lives on the other side of the globe. But even with 10 years of communication under our belt, I would never move in with him right away or consider a relationship. People are different in person. "Actions speak louder than words." Is a quote that can definitely be used in this situation. You don't know him physically, how he reacts to situations, how he is when he's angry, or his actions for anything! You guys are best still being friends. It doesn't have to be a long distance relationship. Just be friends that occasionally travel to visit the other. This way you can get a sense Of what he is like in person. Don't rush things.

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Ty so much for the input, i appreciate it, i actually feel much better cause i thought i was the one witht he issue, but yall understand where im coming from, again thx! Yes i feel comfortable with him, sex is OK, not amazing, but ok. Hes extremely attentive and would do almost anything for me. But thats the thing, ALMOST. He still refuses to try and make this work by getting a job here and moving to his own place so that we can continue dating, so after talking we have decided hes going home. Then were gonna plan to see each other at least every 3 months.. until we decide what happens in the future. Hes a planner, im more of a NOW type of person i guess.

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