mucha Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 My husband and have been married almost five years now. I have posted before how I feel he exalts his cousins above me and he doesnt take me seriously. I reached a point where I told his cousin jokingly this weekend to get a wife.I meant it though. This has made them hate me more since am alienated already. I know my husband is the problem not the cousins but he just does not listen when I tell him how much he hurts me when he keeps entertaining his cousins so much and leaving me alone with the kids. If it was once in a while it would be fine but every Sunday drives me crazy. It's the only day we could spend as a family he chooses to spend all of it with his cousins. I hate him so much. I don't understand why he wanted to get married but still chooses to act single. Last Sunday he came back at 5am I try to pretend to be fine but after a few days it gets to me so much. The one time my mom was visiting he left after lunch and came the next morning at two. I felt it was so disrespectful to my mom. She was so worried she thought something was wrong with him since he never told us where he was going or even bothered to call. I actually sit and wish for him to cheat and I catch him so I can have a valid reason biblically to divorce him. I feel abused emotionally. He tells me to go out too, but I can't do that and leave my babies till two in the morning. I just hate him so much Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Yes, it's normal to hate anyone who mistreats you, spouse or not. I'm sorry he isn't treating you better. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I used to feel the same way you did and including that I would find out something soooo awful so that I could have a "good enough" reason to leave. I couldn't put my own happiness as a priority so I prioritized my daughter having a "whole family". Then, my prayers were answered...I found out he was having 2 affairs and I filed for divorce within 3 days. I was ELATED, which sounds awful and I have felt a huuuuge burden off my shoulders in the last year since it all went down. My daughter is way happier this way without the constant fighting and having a mother who isn't happy...so I think what I learned was I should've put myself first *anyways*...I didn't need a "good enough reason". And children thrive when they are loved and cared for/nourished. My ex and I work infinitely better together now than we did before and I have no reservation that he loves and adores her as I do and she is benefiting from the split versus having 2 parents always at odds and one being treated very poorly (me). Not a good model for her and I'm glad I was able to find it in me to leave. I understand exaaaactly where you are and you may find that you reach your own breaking point. It might not be found in the bible or in any book/article/family advice....but you'll get to a point where you put yourself first for one reason or another and you'll find that everything else falls into place. I am INFINITELY happier now and do not regret my decision. I hope you get to the place you need to be...whether that's through individual counseling/couples counseling/spending more time together/ finding new hobbies or leaving. Whatever works for YOU, do it. You only get one go in this lifetime....don't spend it unhappy all the time. Find your happiness!! Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Wow in this case id say its normal Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 He tells me to go out too, but I can't do that and leave my babies till two in the morning. Sure you can! Next Sunday, before lunch, tell him that you're going out and he can watch the kids all day until you get back, then go. Unless he's been physically violent to your children, he is their father and you should be able to leave them in his care. IMO, it doesn't matter where you go, go stay at a family member's house and watch TV. The important thing is to not answer his calls or texts... then go home at 2am. Seriously, if he doesn't understand how this upsets you and won't listen to you when you try to talk to him about it, he needs a taste of his own medicine. If you can, clear it with his mother and yours before you do it, otherwise, all he'll do is drop them off at Grandma's and then go hang out with his cousins. Also, you might want to consider marriage counselling. And I mean actual counselling with a licenced professional, not a priest or person of the clergy. If he won't go, then go for yourself. It might also be a good idea to speak with a divorce attorney, just to see what your options are. Link to comment
emma34 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 It's not normal to hate your husband..although it's understandable for you given your circumstances. We live in a time where a couple can trial marriage by living together or dating for a long time. So when you say you don't understand why he wanted to get married and still act single...it begs the question...you were engaged to someone, you dated someone...who was acting single...yet now u r surprised? I'm just saying there is obviously more to this. I'm sorry he treats you this way. Perhaps you should start considering an exit strategy. Link to comment
mucha Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Am actually in tears right now. I am constantly angry. I yell at my kids so much. I take it out on my poor two year old though I don't mean to. I just feel like my personality changed since I got married. I used to be happy and outgoing, am now grumpy I have suggested counselling almost every time he comes back. He refuses to go or promises to look into it but never does. Twice I went alone because he refused to come with. My dad is a pastor and a marriage counsellor. The irony when my marriage finally crumbles I speak to him often and he says to wait for him to grow because he's immature Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Unfortunately your children are learning that this is what marriage is about. Screaming ,yelling and being angry. And their childhood is becoming being screamed at. That is no life for a child. I would tend to disagree with your father. And don't take your anger out on a baby. That chemically and physically changes your baby's brain forever. Why not get divorced instead and be happy? Link to comment
emma34 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Take a deep breath.... It's okay to be angry. Let's be logical for a moment and just acknowledge that yes, you are angry, and yes, you are committed to this man...so you need to do some thinking about what you will accept and what you won't. Things happen in a marriage, and you grow together over time...there are bad times and good times...not every couple is lucky enough to grow together and soemtimes things go in different directions. Try talking to your dad. Your emotional and that's understandable...take your time to cry if u need to...but then look at things logically and decide what u want to do...we are here to support u. Link to comment
mucha Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 It's not normal to hate your husband..although it's understandable for you given your circumstances. We live in a time where a couple can trial marriage by living together or dating for a long time. So when you say you don't understand why he wanted to get married and still act single...it begs the question...you were engaged to someone, you dated someone...who was acting single...yet now u r surprised? I'm just saying there is obviously more to this. I'm sorry he treats you this way. Perhaps you should start considering an exit strategy. Hi Emma, we dated for about three years in university a thousand kilometers away from his family. He moved back after studying and startedt working. In my final year of universty we Igot married and so as soon as I finished I moved to where we are now. Same city with his close knit family Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I tend to take out my frustrations on my kids too. That's why you have to take care of yourself, take responsibility for your own happiness, because your kids will pay the price when you're not happy. People can lecture you for taking out your anger in the kids but you're only human. Not saying its okay, just saying it will happen if you're filled with hate, your kids won't get the best side of u. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I actually sit and wish for him to cheat and I catch him so I can have a valid reason biblically to divorce Is that what keeps you with him. Religious reasons? Link to comment
mucha Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Is that what keeps you with him. Religious reasons? Yes, I believe God hates divorce for no good reason Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Well if "god" is capable of "hate" and If I were you, I'd be thinking that God much more hates those people that are hypocritical. Surely you know that he did not intend you to spend your life with someone who does not love you or you him. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I speak to him often and he says to wait for him to grow because he's immature No offense to your dad, but what horrible advice. Your husband isn't going to mature without a kick in the ass IMO. Why should he? He's getting to do what he likes with no consequences. Just waiting for him to come around won't do the trick. I hate t*t-for-tat one-upmanship, but since your husband won't go to counseling (BIG red flag there, btw)... then if he isn't physically abusive, maybe take lorem ipsum's advice. Let him take care of the kids for once, come home obscenely late yourself, and give him a taste of his own medicine. Though to be honest, in your shoes I'd give him an ultimatum to be start putting YOU and the KIDS first over his cousins (assuming he's not cheating on you, which seems very likely), or you're filing for divorce. I'm not religious at all, but I can't believe that God wants you to suffer in a thankless marriage where the kids are bearing the brunt of your frustration. Good luck with this. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Going by your previous posts, you are taking zero responsibility for your own happiness. In fact you make yourself a bit of a martyr. "Oh I can't go out because of my babies." Wrong. You can. You could let your husband stay home and care for the kids at least some of the time, you could get a babysitter and get some adult time, etc. You are choosing not to do anything and are just becoming more angry and frustrated and emotional. Your husband, as much as you hate him right now, is correct. You do need to get a life and get out more on your own because you are going batty. A marriage is not about him staying with you at all times. You say that Sunday is the only day for the two of you. How about every evening, what about Saturdays, etc. Take an evening off and leave him taking care of his kids. You can't be a martyr who does all and complain about at the same time. It doesn't work like that. Link to comment
mucha Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 I get what you mean. I have tried going out. I have no single friends around. All my friends are married and they spend Sundays with their families. The last time I went out with my kids and just parked my car at some garage till late at night. I came back home because I feet bad for the kids. The youngest is four months. Maybe I got marriage wrong. I really wish my husband would be my friend too. At the moment even during the week he's chatting with cousins till me and the kids are fast asleep. If not he'll watch movies till late at night. When he comes home from work it's just ‘hello‘ then straight to his phone or computer. I seriously wish to make a life of my own. I visit my uncle some Sunday but still there is that void. My husband is not there. I am not a priority to him. Hecan and will drop everything, anytime, for his cousins. That's what hurts me. I probably have the wrong picture of marriage. When I look at my parents I just wonder where it went wrong with us Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Look up some meetup groups in your area. There probably are some. When he comes home, tell him "Hi honey, here is the baby, the diapers are there, I'm heading out, be back later." Then go out. Go for a walk, go to a Zumba class, go to an art class, do something. The feeling guilty about leaving your children even for a little bit is actually your own issue. They are fine, they are with dad. You need something in your life. I know a lot of people are quick to say that he is a jerk, leave him. I know a lot of older people, in marriages 30-50 years long talk about those early years and how tough it was with young babies and the fact that the men really didn't take much interest in babies and diapers until the babies grew a little became more interesting. I think there is wisdom of experience and perseverance there. They are now those cute old couples that make you go "aaawww". However, it was forged over time and there were years when things were rough. I guess my point is that you desperately need to give yourself permission to head out and do something for yourself on a regular basis. Whether it's a Sunday or a weeknight, doesn't matter. Leave him to babysit and be a dad at least some of the time. I honestly think that if you take care of you more, you'll find that he will start paying more attention to you too. Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I guess my point is that you desperately need to give yourself permission to head out and do something for yourself on a regular basis. Whether it's a Sunday or a weeknight, doesn't matter. Leave him to babysit and be a dad at least some of the time. I honestly think that if you take care of you more, you'll find that he will start paying more attention to you too. Totally. Or join a gym or sign up for a yoga class or go on a girls trip to Vegas. Link to comment
GinNJuice Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Do you think God would rather you be married and miserable, or admit you made a mistake? Whatever your answer, you don't deserve much sympathy if you're unwilling to make changes. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 I get what you mean. I have tried going out. I have no single friends around. All my friends are married and they spend Sundays with their families. And maybe those married friends of yours would like an afternoon out, too. Or, you could all plan some sort of get together for everyone, like a block BBQ, where it wouldn't require babysitters. Or, you could meet up with your friends for play dates with the kids during the week out at a coffee shop/park/McDonalds. Have you considered getting a part-time job just so you can get out of the house and have more adult interactions? You might also want to consider joining a gym, some offer child care onsite, you would have to do some research. That would be a way to get out of the house, do something for yourself and feel better. You could even team up with some other mothers and swap off sitting, an I'll-watch-your-kids-while-you-go-to-the-hairdressers-if-you-watch-mine-while-I-go-do-this type thing. And what DancingFool said. There are lots of Meetup groups for mothers with young children in my area, odds are there are some in yours, too. The thing is, no one is going to just come on down out of the clouds and hand you the life you want, or the social life you feel you deserve -- you have to work for it -- even if that means standing up to your husband. But, I'm starting to think that this isn't really about how close your husband is to his cousins, but that you are isolated and away from your family, if you moved to be with him. I also wonder if you're not looking at other peoples' marriages through rose-coloured glasses -- that they're all so happy and you're miserable/will never have what they do. I really wish my husband would be my friend too. Have you told him this? I'm not saying that you can get all of you emotional needs met by one person, but does he know you feel this way? Finally, I can understand that you need counselling and it's easy, free and convenient if you go to your father for it. BUT... you're his child and that automatically makes it an "us against the husband" situation -- even if your father is giving you shockingly bad advice (what kind of parent sees their child in pain and advises them to stay in that situation?). There are simply some things your father shouldn't know about your marriage/sex life and you will never feel completely free opening up to him about what's going on. He may be right, your husband may be immature and just needs to grow the Eff up already, accept that he's got a wife and children who need him and that he can't be running off like he's single because he feels like it. But, that's not exactly helpful advice with tools and techniques you can do to try and fix the situation, is it? Link to comment
Lester Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 To be happily married you must be a good negotiator and fearless. (Fearless is not anger!) Your anger sucks away any chances you may have at negotiating a great marriage. First Aid: - Don’t talk to your Father about your marriage… he’s clueless. - You first must mature before you ever expect him to. - Calmly: Do you think your were compatible from the start? - Would you be willing to stay with him if he changed or are you already gone? PS, Great husbands are made by smart/strong wives. Link to comment
Catherine_3 Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Great husbands are made by smart/strong wives. That's a lot of pressure to put on her over things she can't control. Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Men respect strong women. What would a strong woman do in your shoes? A) pack up his crap and throw it out and tell him to get lost or b) pack up your stuff, your kids and leave. Coming home at 5am is unacceptabke and I suspect he aint with cousins at all. Hes likely having an affair Link to comment
Lester Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 You're very close on your points Shelty... allow me to rewrite the "strong/smart" into them. A) I undestand you want to do what you want to do hubby..., your suitcase is in the basement. How soon can you be gone. B) Same as A. He is the breaking the marriage... he has to leave. You also said, "Hes likely having an affair" - I agree! Link to comment
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