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Need Major Help & Advice


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Hey guys. I'm in need of some major help. I have been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now. She has been really good to me the entire time. Within the past couple months we started fighting and I've become more negative. When we first started going out, I had genital herpes and I told her about it. She didn't care as long as I used protection, etc. Well long story short, she ended up getting it from me even though I used all precautionary measures to prevent it. As time passed, I began to no longer find her physically attractive and am therefore not interested in sex anymore. She is great on nearly all levels except I just have a tough time with sexual attraction.


I am in really good shape and take care of myself, while she does not. I try to just have basically pity sex but I just don't enjoy it. I feel so guilty now that she has herpes from me that I can't move on. The guilt is so bad that I sometimes think about the fact that I'd rather not be alive. We have done a lot of fun stuff together, but I find myself just not at all physically attracted and now I feel bad. I wonder if it's something wrong with me or what. I've tried so hard to make myself more attracted to her but nothing I do works.


I think about other girls then I feel guilty for even having those thoughts. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this - I feel like I can't handle the major guilt that I'm experiencing. I try to do work for her around the house, rub her feet, give her massages, etc. I'm unhappy, but then again I've also battled my share of depression and anxiety in the past. I also have very few friends, and am not a very social person. She is my main source of socialization - which I know isn't healthy - but that's just my nature.


At the beginning of the relationship things felt great (this is typical), but now I'm wondering what went wrong. I'm crabby, we fight a lot, and I don't really enjoy having sex with her anymore. She is going through a lot in her life too with her mom and dad getting a divorce possibly, a certain member of her family dealing with addiction, etc. She confides and trusts me enough to talk to me about this. I feel like the fact that she now has genital herpes from me, plus all this trouble with her family would be overwhelming to deal with for her. I still really LOVE HER as a person, I just can't get the sexual attraction in order and am constantly wishing I was more sexually attracted to her.


I don't know if it's something wrong with me biologically or what. I feel awful and maybe I should. I just don't know what to do or how to handle anything anymore.


If anyone could give me advice on how to deal with this situation I'd appreciate it. Thank you

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Let me start out by saying that it's probably a bad idea to come to a place like this to get advice if you are feeling suicidal. Real talk here, no one wants to take responsibility for pushing someone who is having morbid thoughts about not being alive anymore over the edge, and so even mentioning such a thing is like a sure fire way to get people to NOT respond to you with what might otherwise be some helpful, albeit not so palatable, advice.


With that in mind then, I am going to try and tackle your issue as honestly as possible. Keep in mind though, I am not, nor do I want to be responsible for any foolishness on your part. Life, no matter how bad it can get sometimes, is a gift, and there should be NOTHING that EVER makes you feel like just giving that gift away before you have done everything else in your power to deserve it. (there is a huge lecture there that I am not giving you but it I think you get what I am trying to say here).


Now on to your troubles. I think that you are correct in feeling guilty about asking someone to have sex with you knowing that you have a sexually transmittable disease and then, after transmitting that disease to that person, suddenly loosing interest in them. It's only human and decent to feel that way because you know what kind of sacrifice was made, and in what name it was made, for her to overlook that. With that said though, it still doesn't give your girl a free pass to just give up on trying to keep you interested. Her decision to sleep with you, knowing your situation, was a decision that SHE made. I am not going to speculate on how much you may have had to do with her making that decision (via coaxing or what may have now turned out to be false promises), but I will say that since she did decide to be with you in spite of your situation I think she deserves a good, solid, chance to make things right before you just toss her to the wayside and move on to your next partner.


My suggestion is to really try hard to be honest with her about how you are feeling and let her know how important it is that you both maintain a certain level of attractiveness to one another in order for the relationship to continue. Sure, she may take the stance that she has sacrificed enough already, but once again you have to remember that the responsibility of all decisions lay in the hands of the decision maker.


Tell her that. Explain to her that if she can't help you help your relationship together that it will be about the same as deciding to end it. And if you really feel that way, go ahead and end it if she decides that she doesn't want to come along for what you want to be your mutual relationship journey.


Dealing with a STD is tricky stuff, as I am sure you know, and you want to be careful not to just be out there infecting people on a humbug just because you think they are hot. You seem to know right from wrong and so I am not going to go on and lecture you about this either, but at the same time you don't deserve any less happiness or any less comfort than anyone else just because it was your lot to have contracted this disease. Unfortunately, for you, for the rest of your life you are going to have to (or at least really should) really think about how you feel about your partners before you go to bed with them, but in all honesty isn't that what we should ALL be doing? STD or not?


I know that I will get dinged for what I am about to say next but I am going to say it anyway. Giving someone Herpes and leaving them is not entirely unlike giving someone a child and leaving them. Both have to be maintained, looked after, and considered by anyone else coming into a relationship with the person who has them later on. All of this to say that I am not asking you to do anything that I wouldn't ask anyone else to do, and so trying to make it seem like something bigger than it is really wouldn't be the right way to look at it.


Just do your best to work things out with your girl, be as honest as you can be, and hey.....be careful out there.


I hope this helps.

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