What to expect?

[Lec]

Here's my story :

 

-GF and I were together for 2.5 years. I was her first boyfriend and perhaps first love.

-May i failed my master degree for the third time. Looking for a job since then but didn't find anything. Feel depress.

-In october she say to me she was unhappy and wanted a break. The break last 1.5 weeks. We get back together but she sais she wanted to break up, she was lost in her life (which was true). But we didn't speak about the problem of the relationship.

-She broke up for good in the end of november. Saying "i think you are right and perhaps i have lost my feeling for you, you will always have a place in my heart" blablabla. I don't try to argue or anything go away. (i became needy and clingy during this month because she was distancing herself). I don't have other explaination for the break up.

Since then, no contact (except for one time where i call here because i wanted to know if there was another man), she didn't try either to contact me.

 

Now here is the thing, her best friends date my best friends, and another one of here good friend is good friends with me. The two of them said to me, after new year, that she is still in love with me, she always speak about me, not in a bad term, and wanted to contact me, she will do it soon but wait a little (i don't know what she is waiting for). She really seems sad and depress since the break up.

I did a good job moving on, i find a job, find a new college in another domain, i got on a date (i sleep at her place, but wasn't ready, couldn't sleep with her... my mistake), but since i learn about this it step me back. I don't know what she wants, or even if she will contact me again.

Has someone been in the same situation? I don't know if i want to be with her again...

(sorry english is not my native language)

[Twidom]

Just keep moving on. Ask your friends to stop updating you on her. If she wants to get back with you, she'll contact you. She knows how to reach you.

[jcaves80]

wholeheartedly agree man , just keep moving on, the rest eventually falls into place, my gf of 5.5 years left me with no explanation 1.5 years ago now and i found this passed November "she wished we would have kept in contact" found that out from my gf's sister and honestly i could care less and it felt good to hear too , but wasn't interested , let her come to you , she left you not you to her sorry if that seems for tat but it sounds like shes realizing what she lost and you shouldn't let people yo yo you ever

 

Just keep moving on. Ask your friends to stop updating you on her. If she wants to get back with you, she'll contact you. She knows how to reach you.

[Lec]

In order for killing the hope. I sent her this :

 

Hey hi

It bother me sending you this email but if i don’t do it it will be impossible for to moving on. I just want you to stop asking about me or simply talking about me to our mutual friend. Whatever the “don’t repeat eat” we always know what has been said. I know it’s certainly more about guilt than anything, but stop this. Even if the contact is indirect, it block me in my process. You did what you have to do and the break up do me a lot of good. I want you to be able to move on.

Except for this email exchange[if you answer] I also don’t want future contact, because I can’t stand seeing my mistake but also for the way you handle the break up. I’m not angry but there is thing I don’t accept.

I hope you are doing well and you are advancing in your writing.

[Lec]

So after sending the email i decide to call her in order to grab something to eat and speak about our relationship. Yeah i totally go against the rule but i need closure and i don't want to play the game "i want what i can't have"

I bring the subject of the relationship, we speak about it, she was sad. She didn't ask a lot of question about my life. She recognised some of her fault, i spoke about mine. She was clearly trying to not give me hope, so it was nice for me to see she wasn't in some kind of power play, she don't want to drag me on. She clearly state that she wants to be alone for now, writing and trying to extand her professional network.

I wanted to know more about the mind of the dumper (yeah it was really for this) i ask her if there was hope at her side, she answer by "i don't want to answer this" (which mean yes) (i asked the question, she don't want to give me false hope, and i don't have).

She didn't feel guilty, she just feel sad for making me sad (which is guilt haha). I know that some of her coworker hit on her, she is not interested but like the ego-boost from her blabla.

I think i have my closure, i'm sad but also feel some relief.

I don't have any hope, i think it's finish for good.

 

PS : don't trust what your mutual friends say. They essentially put there expectation on you.

[Twidom]

I'll be a little harsh here. This "We can't be together because I'm too busy" talk is complete bullsh*. People who love and want to be together, BE TOGETHER. Like another user here stated before, they find the time to do it. YES THEY DO.

 

I know a couple that could only meet TWICE a month because of work for 3 years and they managed to stay together. They are now married with 2 kids. If she wanted to be with you honestly, she would. You're holding to false hope.

 

Yeah you can't trust other people when the matter is dumper/dumpee because people have no idea what is going on through your head or hers. It doesn't matter what she said to your friends, it all comes down to HER answers. Just give up. Move on. Start NC again and don't break it. Stay in contact with her and you're going to lose your sanity, self esteem and much more. SHE dumped YOU. If she wants to get back together, she knows where you are. She knows how to reach you.

 

You need to cut ties NOW. It's for your own good.

[Lec]

Oh i express myself badly, she neither said "we can't be together because she is busy" i didn't ask, but perhaps it was a subtle way for her to say me "no hope". Anyway i wanted closure, not reconciliation. I will not be friends with her, i want to go no contact.

(oh and six hours after the meeting, i was emotionally a mess... hope it will pass... it was a bad idea... but i get closure)

[Lec]

Need to vent, since breaking NC i feel like back at square one, like the first day of the break up. I can't stop crying, i feel miserable and pathetic. I hate myself for my mistake, and "hate" her for not wanted to save the relationship. I'm scared i will not find someone as smart, caring and attractive as her. I'm affraid she is the best girl i met.

She change and i didn't see it, i see it during the meeting. Not in a bad way, she got a better confidence, she is more career oriented. But oh my god she is boring. I was bored in the relationship, but damn she was smart, caring and attractive.

can't make up my mind.

[Twidom]

Need to vent, since breaking NC i feel like back at square one, like the first day of the break up. I can't stop crying, i feel miserable and pathetic. I hate myself for my mistake, and "hate" her for not wanted to save the relationship. I'm scared i will not find someone as smart, caring and attractive as her. I'm affraid she is the best girl i met.

She change and i didn't see it, i see it during the meeting. Not in a bad way, she got a better confidence, she is more career oriented. But oh my god she is boring. I was bored in the relationship, but damn she was smart, caring and attractive.

can't make up my mind.

 

These are very normal feeelings. I had the same thoughts when my ex broke with me. For now she's the absolute perfection, but give it a little more time and you'll start to realize she's not so perfect.

[Lec]

Thanks for your input. I just have a hard time dealing with my mixed feeling.

During the last 3 months of the relationship i don't think i was anymore in love with her. The relationship was boring. I was becoming boring and she was too. So i just don't understand why i always think about her (perhaps just because of the rejection). Even when i met her the last time, i didn't feel love, but i was really attracted to her. Strange.

[Lec]

The big you of life i just learn that i will not have the job. My life is limbo. I'm 26 years old with only a degree in philosophy. I don't find job, even in the service industry. The only things that is good is that i have been accepted in computer science but it's in september. I really need to kill the time, to forget about the relationship, and waiting for my futur to take place. So even if it was just an alimentory job, i had high expectation about it. I'm scare. Sorry for being so emotional, but i'm really scare for the first time of my life. I don't like how where my life is going, in all her aspect, social, financial and intellectual.

And i ing feel block, i can't move of my small flat.

My ex is doing fine, she is evolving, i'm not, i hate thinking like this i want her to be happy, but in the same time... she certainly thinks i'm a looser, and i am...

I think i just need to hear story about people who where in the same hole as me, that they bounce back and that life was like they expected.

[Lec]

No contact since the last time we see each other. 2 months since the break up.

I was fine since two weeks, but tonight i break down. Perhaps because i quit smoking. I have big regret about the relationship. I write things done, i will neither send them.

 

"« I’m sorry for taking you for granted, sorry for pushing you away. I see the relationship for what it is now, and… I suck. You deserve better. But I wish you would have better communication skills, I wish you weren’t so away from your emotion, trying to hide them. Now you’re mind is certainly some kind of Pandora box. And for this, I’m really mad at you but I’m certainly more mad against me.

You were the best things that happens during those 3 years where I drift away from my life. And I didn’t see it. In the end, when I became really depress, I was just becoming too egoist, always testing your love or trying to see it, without giving something back.

I certainly thinks you will be for me “The One that got away”. “

"