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She suddenly turned 180degrees on me when I fell in love on her.


eldasensei

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Hi I'm a 25 year old male from the Netherlands, and I'm pretty new to this forum.

 

My story:

 

I'm in a difficult time at the moment. I'm from a Turkish culture and tried to start a relationship with this turkish girl(age 22). it went great for 2 years but when I decided to make it official with her by suggesting meeting up with the parents about this. She freaked out, I calmed her down like a man. But my falling in love emotions for her got stronger and the next day I told her that I've fallen in love for her. She basically told me she never has been in love (dont know if i can believe that or if thats even possible) at that moment she likes me but she said she could love me later. I asked her how she felt about this fact, and she liked it. after a few days she turned 180 degrees on me and started distance herself from me.

 

My mobilemessage interactions with her were solid im confident about that but there was a lot of tension last few days over the phone about the fact that I was going to talk with her parents about us. her parents allready knew me well they love me, even her brother likes me. But in order to have it official with her she said I should first discuss it with my mother then my mother would discuss it with her mother and we would come visit them and I would be questioned by her brother and parents and they all have to say Yes to a relationship and at the End She has to say yes to the relationship. She made it sound as if her brother and father would kill me. but I realized later that they would deffinitly say yes to me(I somehow found this out trough someone dear to me).

 

so I asked her what do you think about it then? because she sounded not so sure by that time. And she told me she wasnt that sure now, shes still thinking. I was wrecked because after 2 years I showed interest, she came actively after me and I went all out for her and now she is not so sure anymore.

 

at the final day I spoke to her on the phone, I just wanted to ask her how she was doing but she was very distant and said to me she wasn't sure anymore and I offcourse asked her why she wasnt sure and she told me that I can't guarantee for her future, she said that I am a mothers-child because when my mother was incredibly sick in a critical way. I spend a lot of energy on her, caring for her, bringing her to the doctors trying to find an anwser to her illnes. My thoughts were at my mom 100% and she said she did not like that and also that my parents would help me even when im on my own.

 

She said she is in search of a "Real" man that can talk a lot. and the things she said sounded like a lot of excuses for me. I did tell her there will be a time when I have to be on my own, and im not worreid because I can do it, that is the least of my worries tbh.(I tried to avoid the "Real" man part It really did get to me but my reaction would not make interaction any better). She also said she expects to cary me a lot more then I should cary her and that she doesn't want to change me for the fact that I am a silent person and she wants me to open up. I told her that she should not be concerned about those things I can interact with a lot of people. that is not a problem for me but im just not that guy that tries to be the center of all the people.I would care less about that tbh, As a personality type I am a bit introverd and love being it but can also be the one leading most of the interaction.

 

At the end of that phonecall there was a little fight or a discussion. she seemed more mad and receptive at the end of the call and told me that she would let me know of her decision...and that I may still talk to her.. I said okay and we hang up. but that phonecall tore me apart she was suddenly this different girl acusing me of these things and actually treating me with no respect with that last call. I was Torn up from that call I cried for days... I made a casual messagechat with her two days after, a short chat just to see the way she will respond to my messages. It was very distant. and seriously. The moment I told her that Ihad fallen in love on her everything went 180 degrees and 4 days later it came to this.

 

She even brought up fear on me several times after I told her that. Because the fear of losing her was obvious after all that. I did not speak to her for 3 weeks so I could heal a bit. My mother suggested just to leave it at this because of how disrespectfull she was on the last phonecall and if this girl really wanted me she should've come back by now.. and my father suggested that I should just message her on few occasions just to leave the door open. probably not the right decision now that I've read my own story written I look at it differently...

 

I've send her happynewyears message not just for her but also for her parents and brother. she send a short congratz back, thats it. and 2 days ago on the 5th january I messaged with her, I kept it short and with little or no emotion.It was a very predictable "normal" chat. The conversation was something like: how are you doing, hows school, goodlluck on your first schoolday again and thats it. Hope you have less homework, have a good night..

 

If I should take the advice of my father then I have to keep messaging her on few occasions. But imo It should be fair from both sides. If I started the conversation that time she has to open the next conversation. It could be that im wrong in this but that is how I allways thought. Now I admid mistakes have been made. I made some mistakes, I also pressured her I think... But I wonder if it was only at my end.. Today im still inlove on her.. I cant keep my mind off her its too difficult. for me It went ok within the 3 week break but when I started to keep on initiating low contact I cried again the day after. keeping my mind of her was difficult again. You might notice it now that ive written all this =S. And I think this is a lost hope and I should Try to let go of this and accept this for what it is. because I fell in love but she wasnt. But the thought of her being with some other guy makes me cry and jealous. I get the feeling I lost someone very dear to me. As if someone close to me had died. And I don't know how to let go of her and move on... I'ts difficult because everytime I think of that I think about not finding a lot more gorgeous beautifull turkish girl then her. I have never fallen in love for a girl from my own culture, but this one did not even look like turkish but like a real european girl from the outside (I think that tempted me a lot). Ive looked over 1000 turkish girls on facebook trying to find one betterlooking then her but I could not find any.... I hope you guys can make better sense of this then me. I really lost the track here and I just dont know what to do from here on out. I tried going out but im just not in the mood, try to talk to other women but dont help either. Staying with friends does help a bit but i dont want to bring this mood to them every day... so I am really lost and don't how to move on or what to do from now on...Or if there is still anything I can do...

 

I thankyou for you patience through this one hell of post of mine... I am sorry for this.. I did not know it would be this big..

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Short reply here, hope it covers something.

 

Perhaps she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship? It happens. Or on the other hand she's playing games. I don't know, but either way don't allow your life to be controlled by someone else in any way. You need to be the number one priority of your life. That's not selfish, it's fact. You can't ever guarantee you'll have someone or something else, but you know you'll have you. Don't lose it, especially to someone who isn't even giving you the time of day.

 

Be strong, be confident.

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When you want advice about women, listen to your mother. She is very much correct in that you need to leave this girl alone. It sounds like she just saw you as a friend and when you confessed all these feelings for her, she doesn't feel the same way, does not return them and telling you she needs to think is just an awkward attempt at a gentle rejection. You can't make someone want you or love you just because you love them. It just doesn't work that way. This girl is not the one for you, so best you move on and stop contacting her. That's not leaving the door open, that's just being annoying. Also, every time you contact her, you are not letting yourself move on and heal.

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It sounds like you are very emotionally attached to her, getting through this time is going to be very difficult. It's important to give yourself adequate time to grieve each day, but it's also equally crucial that you don't become obsessed with her. Even if you leave her alone and play it cool, if your mind is still stuck on her, and your thoughts return to her over and over again, it will definitely not get any better. You need to be patient, things are always going to change in your life whether you have a girlfriend or not. You might be depressed and afraid now but think of 5, 10 years down the line, you are going to experience so much. Try to do your best to at least be genuinely attracted to other women, it'll come in time and you won't feel as lonely. I can really only offer the usual advice about traveling, meeting new people and getting a new hobby, but the truth is these things really do work in the long run.

 

Being single is great. You might have codependency issues if you find your grieving and loneliness is prolonged. There are tons of healthy and fulfilled people who are single but fill their life with friends, hobbies, pets, dates and wouldn't understand why you feel so afraid of being alone.

It's possible to be the kind of person who can comfort themselves. It's very healing and the best way to be regardless of whether or not you're in a relationship. Even try to spend time alone, doing things you enjoy and eventually you see what I mean! Sometimes being with friends when you're going through a rough break up can make things feel even lonelier.

 

Change up your routine, stagnation will make you feel depressed and desperate.

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