What do I Say to the Woman Who's Fiance Tried to Get Me to Sleep With Him?

[SadDuckie]

I dated a guy for two months and realised pretty quickly that it wasn't going to work out. A week and a half after we broke up he started dating another woman and six weeks after that they got engaged. That was about eight months ago. Last night he sent me some very inappropriate texts asking me to come sleep with him. I asked him if he was still with his fiance and he said that he was but she was withholding sex and went on to ask how to get into my pants. Lovely, right? So I shut him down hard and told him he should give some serious thought to the way he treats the women in his life most especially one he's about to make a lifelong commitment to. After much discussion with friends I am solidly of the mind that it is my moral obligation to say something to the fiance even though I do not know her. If it were me, I would absolutely want to know. The desired medium is over the phone but for that I have to go to a colleague to get her number. I don't know if she will answer but if she does not, my intention is to leave a voicemail. I only want to call once and then leave it in her hands. I also have her Facebook page, which I found through his before I blocked him, though we are not "friends" on there. I'm not sure if I facebook her if she will be the first to see the message.

 

My dilemma is that I do not have a clue what to say. So far I've got "You don't know me but I used to date your fiance and something happened the other day which I think you should know about". I want her to hear that I am sincere in my desire to just do the right thing and in no way am I looking to steal her fiance from her. I am worried that she will think this is the case. I think I would be willing to offer to meet with her if she desires, to show her the chat logs (they happened over text). I have never been cheated on nor do I know anyone who has so I am completely at a loss as to what is the best way to put this. I was hoping someone here might have some suggestions.

 

Thank you in advance.

-Duckie

[mhowe]

Your moral dilemma is easily solved by staying out of it. He will make you out to be his crazy ex.

[annie24]

Block him. Don't bother contacting the new fiance. Maybe if she were your friend, you could tell her but no, don't bother. I agree, he's going to say that you're the psycho ex, you want him back, you're just jealous, etc..... she wouldn't believe you.

[SadDuckie]

Afterwards whatever happens is entirely up to them. He will undoubtedly lie and try to defend himself and she may or may not choose to believe him, my problem ends with telling her the truth. The question isn't whether or not to tell her, this is not even a question as far as I am concerned. The question is what to say.

[NorthDallas40]

Agreed with the above posters. Don't respond to him or contact the fiancee. Stay out of it and cease all contact. No good will come from engaging him further.

[SpottiOtti]

I think if you're determined to tell her, what you've written above sounds good and not like a "crazy ex".

 

Maybe in the last eight months she's seen other stuff to make her question his trustworthiness, and she'll realize you are coming from the right place.

[milly007]

Jeeeez, this is a tough one. But if I were the fiancé, I would want to know about this! There's no doubt in my mind he'll accuse you of being the crazy ex, and who knows whether or not she'll believe you. Do you have the texts saved? If there was some way you could send her these messages, at least it would provide her with some proof.

[SadDuckie]

I am both surprised and appalled at the number of people who seem to think that staying out of it is an option. She is about to walk down the aisle with this man and has no idea that he's already trying to cheat out her just because she isn't satisfying him in the sack. How can you let another person do a thing like that knowing this is the case and think that's okay?

 

If somebody told me my significant other was cheating or trying to cheat with them I know I wouldn't want to believe it but I certainly wouldn't just ignore it on the off chance that she's some kind of psycho. I don't know what kind of person she is but I know he's a liar and clearly a cheater (which I suspected before). Even if she reacts violently, it will make her think about it and the more she thinks about the more she may realize that there were things staring her in the face that pointed to this conclusion.

 

Plus, as I said, I can show her the chat logs and that they came from his cell phone number. I consider myself to be a good person, although everyone makes mistakes from time to time, I always make it my goal to do the right thing. There isn't a single shadow of doubt in my mind that this is what's right. Stranger or not she is a human being.

[DancingFool]

If you are determined to get involved and inform her, then send her copies of those texts - showing dates, his name/number, etc. I would be super brief in your intro and just would say that you dated briefly for a couple of months, recently he contacted you as follows. You were deeply bothered and felt that she should know this.

 

And don't expect a happy response. You are opening a can of worms here that might turn into a two headed snake that reaches out to bite you. Some people might appreciate the info and some may hate your guts and lash out at you for ruining their happiness and failing to mind your own business.

[Cheetarah]

I don't know. Typically I would say, "Stay out." But then I remember being told once - Anonymously. I wasn't sure how to take it but I did look through our phone records and made the discoveries. I trusted him implicitly and it would have taken me a long time to realize. And I really appreciated it. I found out it was a friend of the girl, who told me. I didn't know her, either.

 

But that's me, and the way I reacted isn't the way everyone would.

[SadDuckie]

One of my friends suggested that I just send it and block them both. I've already told him not to contacted me and blocked him on Facebook and phone (Yay iOS7). I feel like talking to her on the phone or a voice-mail is preferable because it text is a limited medium and because I have no idea if he has access to her Facebook and might see it first and delete it. I think I will offer to show her the messages if she wants and not block her in case she does.

 

I am not expecting a happy anything. The concept of doing this took me some time to wrap my head around because I don't want to hurt anybody, but this situation can only end in tears anyway. Perhaps after the tears they will make up, but she definitely has a right to know and make that decision for herself. If I do not tell her then I am making it for her.

 

She won't know who I am unless I tell her, the guy has a history of two month relationships as long as your leg, so if I just say I dated him, I could be anyone. She can figure it out if she wants to, or she can just ask, I have no reason to hide from her.

[DancingFool]

Any reason you can't forward all that to her phone? You really don't need to tell her anything more than what's in those texts.

[shelty24]

Id be careful. Men who get engaged after 6weeks tend to have narcissistic tendencies and the fiance they choose is usually a complete doormat-someone v vulnerable, naive with low self esteem who he can easily control and manipulate.

 

If this man is narcissistic he is capable of hunting you down and killing you just for having the nerve to stand up to him.

 

Ya I know it sounds extreme but what normal person gets engaged after 6 weeks. Look up NPD

[marshmallito]

Send all the info to her privately, message and evidence (screen grabs) in one hit. If I was her I would be forever grateful to have my eyes opened before marriage. If she wishes to go ahead with him anyway, its her choice to ignore the *evidence*. It would be easier to dismiss a crazy ex.

[itsallgrand]

Id be careful. Men who get engaged after 6weeks tend to have narcissistic tendencies and the fiance they choose is usually a complete doormat-someone v vulnerable, naive with low self esteem who he can easily control and manipulate.

 

If this man is narcissistic he is capable of hunting you down and killing you just for having the nerve to stand up to him.

 

Ya I know it sounds extreme but what normal person gets engaged after 6 weeks. Look up NPD

 

I agree. I doubt this dude nor his fiance are very stable people.

 

Normally I would be the one saying "tell her". Not "mind your own business".

 

But I wouldn't bother if you know for a fact that the details of their relationship are true. Knowing him barely at all and getting engaged? That isn't a woman I would bet on listening nor wanting to know.

 

If you insist on telling her, I like Dancing Fool's advice. Straight to the point, just send her the information.

[SadDuckie]

I hardly think that most people who get engaged after six weeks are murderers lol But your first point does make sense. Like I said, I don't care what she does with the information, that's not my problem. But I simply cannot arbitrarily decide not to give it to her.

[Johnny Utah]

You know, when my affair ended, I thought about telling her husband.

 

I was in a bad state and it wasn't about revenge. But it's wasn't 100% NOT about revenge. Just a small percentage was enough to bother me. But mostly, it wasn't my business. Her life or his and their families, were not my responsibility. She ruined/is ruining his life. She cheated before on him and will in the future. 5 years of marriage, no kids, but what of the future with all the lies and cheating?

 

It's the same if not worse than what she will go through. In fact, it's probably worse. Yet I stayed out of it because it's not my responsibility. I had options to do it anonymously too.

 

Even though if I was him, I would want to know. But if I was him, I'd probably suspect and ignored it any ways. At the end of the day, it was not my responsibility and I decided to let fate do it.

[SadDuckie]

You see, I disagree. I think that if you know something like this about a person then it is your moral responsibility to tell them. It's probably somewhat more complicated when you're the person who was having the affair, in this case I haven't done anything, just been put into this awkward spot because of him.

[annie24]

I hope you let us know how it goes!

[ParisPaulette]

If I were the fiancee I would want to know. If nothing else it sends up a flare to her that there is a problem and she may well start taking a closer look at his actions. Too bad you can't just send her the texts with an, "Uh, I think these were meant for you instead." That way she sees the evidence, it isn't just you saying it.

[IAmFCA]

I was in your shoes. I didn't tell her. I doubt it would have mattered. They are married now. I am glad I stayed out of it. People can't hear what they are not ready to know. He is still sleeping around. She doesn't know. Sad.

[SadDuckie]

Correction: SOME people can't hear what they don't want to. I know nothing about her so I have no way to know what kind of person she is or what her reaction will be. Who am I to make that decision for her?

[SadDuckie]

Sorry for the double post, the edit button seems to have disappeared. I guess you have a limited edit time on this forum.

 

I wanted to add that he told me if she ever caught him that the relationship would be over in a heartbeat. Which tells me that she must have some pretty strong views on cheating. Anybody with that sort of stance is more likely to take such an accusation seriously, or at the very least, to give it some consideration.

[marshmallito]

Sadduckie, I think you have defended your position.

Have you finished drafting your message?

[IAmFCA]

OP you make a good point, and it sounds like he has a certain amount of honesty mixed in. Maybe she would want to know. Your points are distinct from mine, where judging her mores was difficult and his ability to lie exceptional.

 

Careful to provide a message that can't be dismissed as baseless mudslinging on your part.