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He kicked me out, we tried to fixing the relationship, and now breaking up again


jenbrooks

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Many of you may have already read my stories, but I'm posting under the Breakup section because it's really time to move on. A little bit of me still hopes for that change, but I don't think that's going to happen.

 

So here is my story.

 

  1. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love, went above and beyond, met his family, met his mom.
  2. We moved in
  3. We lived so great together, some minor problems regarding some stuff around the house such as doing the hardwood floor and some family involvement in us wanting to remodel his house a little bit.
  4. We shared everything and he gave me everything, we were practically husband and wife
  5. We traveled together, did many things together
  6. I noticed that we began to forget our friends, our family, and just spent all the time with each other
  7. Then things went boom because of some remodel work that his mom was involved again.
  8. We got into a fight, violence broke out, I gave him a black eye, by accident, then he retaliated by strangling me, slammed my head on the floor and threw my body accross the hall way.
  9. His parents found out, told him to break up with me and kicked me out
  10. He thought they were right and I found my stuff packed by his mother after coming home from work one day
  11. Two weeks after I left the house, he contacted me and I asked him to meet up to clear things up. We talked and there was some misunderstanding, but that was just an excuse to make it look like he was a nice guy, I learned this later on. But we got back together but not living together. I was still looking for a place to live and wandering around between places.
  12. He started to act really distant, not wanting to see me, always wanting to go home early. As if he's scared of me.
  13. I tried to bring back what we had, but he wouldn't want to go see me, but he would keep in contact, and would text me every other day to see how I am doing. The contact continues.
  14. I became really anxious because of his distant behavior, called him up and cried. Ran to his house and begged him to take me back, Ran to his work.
  15. During contact and our trial period. I learned that his family threatened him to leave me. So he would keep us separated. He would spend a lot of time with his family, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year. I was never with him during the holidays.
  16. My work performance was suffering, I was extremely depressed. Every single minute, I think about him and the situation that I am in, even up to now while writing this post.
  17. Things got really bad, I was chasing, trying to fix things, we went to see counseling, did not work, he started to take me for granted. Acted a little bit mean, always seems busy. I told him that we have to break up and that I could not do it anymore or we have to take a break. So we took a break.
  18. One month later with no contact, we reconnected, and he was very happy to see me. He no longer took me for granted, he missed me, and he was willing to do whatever to keep me. So I asked to resume counseling and spend more time with each other. He agreed. I asked him to talk to his family about us and that he's back dating me, he talked to them, but it took him a long time and it was a lot of work, and he was very afraid.
  19. We tried, but I was still not happy because it didn't seem like his heart was really into fixing the problem. I felt like he was just buying time so that he doesn't lose me and lose his family.

 

 

So tomorrow. I am planning to break up with him. I tried to break up with him over text, but he wanted to do this in person. I am only afraid that if I see him, he will lure me back into the same pattern.

 

I found that doing counseling does not work for us because it only prolonged the pain. When his heart isn't there fully to want to fix the relationship. There was no counselor or magic therapists bring us back to normal. So I ended the counseling session for us.

 

I am very nervous, mainly scared of myself for doing stupid stuff to myself again. What I should have done was not to see him after the 30 day break, and just let that break keep going. Now I am back to doing the same thing. I am extremely worried, I read some stories about ex's going back, most of them just end up breaking up because the pattern seems to be repeated.

 

My problem is that he's not really on the same page with me as wanting to be together. He has changed, started to take sides with his family more than putting me as his number one. It's been hell for me. In the past six months, I have felt like second class citizen being with him. It almost felt like FWB...

 

I have done a lot of thinking while he was on vacation with his family. Breaking up is the only solution, it will enable me to heal, bring myself back, focus on myself, as long as he's in contact on/off with me. I can never go on. I have to cut all ties when I see him.

 

Please let me know if there is a little bit of hope left? We both love each other, but things aren't the same anymore, and I tried for six months. I continued to feel neglected by him, yet every time I bring up the break up topic, he doesn't want to to break up.

 

Why would someone not want to break up with you and neglect you?

 

I understand that we had a co-dependent relationship, but we could still live together and continue to work on ourselves. Why did he have to kick me out and now we are like strangers?

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Truthfully, it was over the moment you and he laid hands on each other in anger. You should have walked then, knowing that while he had a black eye what he did to you in return could have easily ended your life. The relationship is dysfunctional in every sense of the word and you need to get yourself into counseling to figure out why you would stay in an abusive relationship. And yes, it's abusive and you are in danger of losing your job and your mind, your self-esteem has already been shot so it is time to close the curtains on this thing for good.

 

Walk away, send a text telling him it's over, disappear and don't look back. He has called the shots all along and he's still calling the shots by insisting you meet him in person to breakup when frankly there is zero reason to and given his past history of violence and erratic behavior, coupled with yours, I think it's a disaster to even try. You already know the pattern is you try to break up then he talks you out of it so change the pattern and don't meet with him in person.

 

This is one of those situations where you are drowning and you don't swim back out to the middle of the undertow (him) if you want to live and not drown. Take all of the energy and attention and agony you've poured into this toxic relationship and pour them into yourself, getting you emotionally healthy and back on your feet. That means you cut the ties and go complete NC, which is pretty much what we've all been telling you since your post about the physical fight between the two of you. You need someone else to help you understand why you held on so tightly to someone you don't even like let alone love, at least that's what I am getting loud and clear from your post. You seem to feel compelled to chase him, but that's not love, that's obsession and it is an entirely different and very bad thing. Let it go, let him go, find yourself and never ever lay a hand on or let someone lay a hand on you in life again. You'll come out of it all much stronger, but you need to close that final door. So what if he wonders where you've gone or gets upset, stop making this about him. It's not, it's about your survival.

 

It's time to give a damn about you for a change.

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Jen, the best of luck to you - we all know you did the very best you could to salvage this situation - you gave it your all. Now it's time for the hardest part, the part that is hard for All of us - no matter if it's one day or ten years! But it's a very valuable skill to learn!

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I was going to try and reason with everyone here about our relationship and that it's possible to be salvaged. But then, I've realized, it's been six months, I've done everything that I could. I might have done it incorrectly, but I know that I gave my best. If I go back, I just don't know what else to do and what else to try.

 

The only thing left to try is to break up so that I can heal. The only logical thing that I could do for myself.

 

I am thinking hard, laying out all the options, but still cannot find anything else to try.

 

We tried living together, did not work.

We tried spending four nights together, that also did not work

We tried taking a break and went NC for one month, that helped me a little bit, but then eventually back to the same pattern, it stopped him from taking me for granted

We tried seeking counseling twice, that also did not seem to work. Maybe some patches, but went back to normal.

 

The end result of all of these trying still resulted in me feeling neglected by him. Feeling lonely, anxious, sad, depressed, and mistreated. I no longer feel like I am number 1, as if there aren't any future plans for us.

 

You're right, what is really there for me left to try...But to go NC for myself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update everyone on my situation. We broke up.

 

It started at 11pm.

 

Today, we were supposed to spend time together, he said he has to keep on working, at 8pm, still working, at 11pm, still working, I constantly texted him and asked where he's at. The only response is still working and working on enlistment, diagram, etc.

 

I started to fall asleep, so I drove to his office to give him my keys so he could just come back to my house whenever while I go to sleep. I couldn't find him in the office. So I texted him, he responded a little bit, he was caught lying, I broke up with him over text.

 

He stopped texting all of the sudden, I thought he wasn't ok, so I decided to drive to his house, I came to witness that his family is there at the house. I saw his mom walking in the living room.

 

Basically, he lied to me, and kept me waiting, he wasn't going to spend the night, he was going to wait until late and then text me that he's too tired to come by and sleep with me. But the truth is, his family is over, and he doesn't want them to know that he was supposed to spend time with me. So he lied to me in order to spend time with his family when they come over.

 

Up to now, he cannot even tell his family that he's with me, he still has to hide. I wonder if he ever told his family about us trying to reconcile.

 

We texted back and forth, he kept on saying he's sorry. He never wants this to happen.

 

He finally agreed to break up. Admit to his lie, and that he didn't want to let me know because I don't deal with bad news very well.

 

I blocked him from everything. I thought he was the love of my life but he did very little to salvage the relationship.

 

I asked him to not IM me at work, not text me, etc.

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I'm so sorry for your pain -- but I think you know it's for the best, sweetie.

 

Hugs to you!!!

 

Be good to yourself today. It's time to gather your forces around you, and do everything you can to pamper yourself and help yourself feel as good as possible the next few days.

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I don't understand how a loving and caring relationship that was so beautiful where everyone got along could result in such a disaster. I miss the old days.

 

Today is extremely painful, but I managed to get myself to work. Better than staying home and do nothing.

 

My heart has been aching since 11pm last night, I didn't sleep all day.

 

Is this actually the beginning of my moving on process? Day 1 all over again.

 

Please someone out there, help me get over this pain. I want to be able to feel like there is no him anymore. When will I learn to love again?

 

It is indeed over when I made the effort and removed everything of him. I explicitly told him to not contact me at work, phone, etc.

 

I feel a little bit regret saying that last night, but I know I shouldn't. I hope this feeling will go away.

 

I hope in 30 days, I will laugh and think of how silly this all is and how stupid I was to keep staying in this toxic relationship.

 

I just hope that each day will get better.

 

Blogging maybe works? Talking maybe works? But what really changes is me changing myself into a better person. Exercise, focus on work, but today I can't seem to focus on work, it's extremely hard.

 

I don't know how people do it when they are depressed.

 

 

 

Why did this all happen to me? I gave my all, I was honest, direct, responsible, and tried really hard. I didn't play games, I was authentic, wanting to communicate, everything that you can think of. Why?

 

Today is such a sad day. I felt like throwing up and I also had some sucicidal thoughts as if no one will love me. There is only one person in this planet that is meant for me, and that's him.

 

I wish that he would one day stand up to his family and tell them he has decided to choose me, whether they like it or not, this is his life. I wish that one day, this would happen. I really do.

 

My heart is broken again, the second time.

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We all miss the old days - the Good old days. but in honesty, in looking back, the more I think about it, the more I see they weren't the "good" old days. Yes, I was getting regular sex from a girl who could really "give it," but asside from that, there were so many little things I chose to gloss over and ignore on a day-to-day basis to carry on getting that action, that emotional fix, that part of my life that came from living with her.

 

Your heart will ache for a couple weeks, you have ripped the final hope from it's grasp, and that can be painful. Yes, this is Day 1 all over again. This time, though, you are equipped with experience, strength and wisdom you did not have the last time you were in this place! Look at how you broke up - you explicitly told him to NOT contact you - that took strength! You KNOW the situation won't change, whereas last time you still had hope that it might, and now you KNOW how to improve yourself in ths new period of No Contact.

 

As much as it may hurt, you'll perhaps find this 30 days a whole lot easier than it was last time! Roll with the punches as they come, but catch yourself before you hit the floor - I.E., you may find yourself in a position where you are overcome by a bout of tears. Give yourself a moment to let those tears fall, and then catch yourself by regaining your composure and wiping them away when you've sufficiently let it out.

 

Blogging may work, and especially writing to yourself in an expendable notebook. When you're finished, burn it and be done with the memory, or shelve it away for a rainy day [emotions like this produce all sorts of poetry, lyrics, musics - you name it!]

 

When we're down, we pick ourelves up and make things better - becasue making things better bringshappiness, so it improves our mood! You weren't not stupid, just inexperienced and in love with an idea that no longer existed. The experience itself is invaluable!

 

Why did this happen? In the end, no matter what you do, a relationship is two people, and even if you are perfect, that's only 50% of the sum. One bad critical flaw in either core, and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

 

Tums will help you eat and prevent you from getting ulcers, if you do start throwing up. As for those thoughts, be encouraged to talk about them with your therapist so that you can get beyond them. The only person who is Meant for you is YOU! Take care of yourself, love yourself, and trust me, you'll find someone someday who makes your stars shine. You're honest, you work hard, you're dedicated and you're responsible - what's not to like?!

 

When your heart mends this time, you'll be a far stronger woman than you've ever been!

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Lonewing, such a wonderful and encouraging post.

 

Honestly everyone, I still have 10% hope that after breakup, we both will change into better persons, and maybe there is a chance for reconciliation. It's just a feeling, though I do want this feeling to go away because hope of someone changing and coming back is generally bad for you, and it's a dangerous thought.

 

Today's the 2nd day of NC after the breakup. NC basically started right away after the break-up. He respected my request.

 

I dream and wish that one day he would come back and tell me that he's changed and that he wants to try again.

 

Regardless of what sort of emotions I'm going through right now, thoughts of hurting myself to mitigate the pain, thoughts of coming back after NC, thoughts about reconciliation process, etc. I'm still going to do NC.

 

I'm not sure if folks on here have strong hope about ex changing in the past? If so, what usually comes out as the result?

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I think we all have that period where we wish, hope and pray our exs simply Wake up and be the person we thought they were. There's no real set time this wish lasts, for some may live with it for years before parting. That being said, once you really start to value yourself again, and cherish who you are, you'll quickly find yourself having no desire to be anywhere near that person again. Once cured of your fix, there may come that moment where they so repulse you that you never want to see, speak or hear from them again!

 

Take care of yourself, as you would wish you were loved, in this parting moment, and give yourself time to get back up by being patient but stern with yourself.

 

It's only Day 2!

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Question:

 

Since I still have the hope. If I explicitly told him to not contact me or see me after breaking up. What happens if he decides to change, and he wants to prove it to me, how can he contact me if I told him not to? Will he be too scared to do so? Will I miss a chance? Was I too harsh in my saying about No Contact?

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Question:

 

Since I still have the hope. If I explicitly told him to not contact me or see me after breaking up. What happens if he decides to change, and he wants to prove it to me, how can he contact me if I told him not to? Will he be too scared to do so? Will I miss a chance? Was I too harsh in my saying about No Contact?

 

No, he knows how you feel and that you wanted to stay together. If he changes his mind, he'll let you know.

 

The worst thing you can do right now is start to second-guess things you said and did during the breakup.... and use that as an excuse to break NC.

 

Just try and focus on feeling better and getting through this, every day. If he ever decides to make things work.... he'll tell you, regardless of what you told him at the time.

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Question:

 

Since I still have the hope. If I explicitly told him to not contact me or see me after breaking up. What happens if he decides to change, and he wants to prove it to me, how can he contact me if I told him not to? Will he be too scared to do so? Will I miss a chance? Was I too harsh in my saying about No Contact?

 

No. If he changes his mind and really wants to be with you (and given your very serious issues together he has to want that 110%) I'm sure he will find a way to contact you to let you know that. Given your history together I don't think it's a good idea for any reconciliation until both of you have dealt separately with your issues - certainly nothing will happen in a matter of only months, right? So just move on and if in a year or more you've both made dramatic, positive changes perhaps he will contact you if after all that work he wants you to be together 110%.

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Question:

 

Since I still have the hope. If I explicitly told him to not contact me or see me after breaking up. What happens if he decides to change, and he wants to prove it to me, how can he contact me if I told him not to? Will he be too scared to do so? Will I miss a chance? Was I too harsh in my saying about No Contact?

 

I dare say it's more important to remember that while people may change their appearance over time, they inherently never change from who they are within. No matter what happens, this is your ex, and he will always be this person no matter who he is with. Your personality is entirely incompatible with this style of person, so you simply have to remind yourself this when you're feeling hope - that yes, there IS hope for you with a man, but not with THIS Man!

 

You were not too harsh, you have simply learned to stand up for yourself. You'll be fine!!

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Moving on really sucks. I chose this path after six months of trying. The memories were seriously really perfect. All of our friends and family are very amazed that we actually made it official since we got along really well and worked well together as a team, except for the family problem.

 

Today is day 5 of NC. I finished removing another batch of pictures from my Hotmail account. The google account is clean of pictures, messages, etc. My work account is also clean of email messages, etc.

 

I have to admit, during this time, when you miss the person so much, you will go and find whatever it is left, and you will look at it just to get a feeling of the past. It is absolutely not healthy. It is best to purge now so the healing starts as soon as possible.

 

I tried to control myself to not come back to these accounts and look at the pictures, but it was almost impossible, so I chose to delete them. They were really good pictures, very good memories, very perfect.

 

Right now, looking at my accounts, those two years of us together never existed.

 

I wonder if I will regret this deleting these memories. But I know I won’t care much once I finish healing. Right now, all of my focus must be on the healing.

 

Yes, I still have a little bit of hope. I hope that he would eventually realize within this week or next week what he’s done, and run to me, and finally reveal that he wants to try. I am dreaming of that day still. Gosh damn, this feeling sucks.

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mhowe, I don't know what's wrong with me

 

I still have this stupid little hope. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, I'm sad not because of him, but because I am such a stupid girl. I did the same thing to the previous boyfriend. I let him string me along for 3 years because I fall for these stupid things hoping that he will change. I did learn to not be weak before and let someone string me along for 3 years, this time I cut it off after six months.

 

I am now 31 years old, broken heart, broken relationship, broken everything. I will never be able to get married, I will never be able to find someone that loves me and wants to work with me when there are problems.

 

I thought I was going to get married. What have I been doing to myself that I enabled one failed relationship after another, and they are all the same, I let men string me along mainly because I keep on having hopes. The last one, I kept on doing it because I was never healed fully and he would come back, and I would take him, I was so native.

 

This one was more committed, closer to engagement, but I messed up because of my anger problem, and he also messed up because he's afraid of his family. But after some poor treatment, I still let him hurt me, and even after I told him to go away, I still have hopes. Why WHY WHY WHY???

 

When will I ever learn to identify a good man to be with? What is WRONG with me? I feel like a total failure, always attracting the wrong males.

 

What am I to do to fix myself, what am I to do be a stable, emotional person? What have I been doing wrong with my life

 

I am such a failure. Everyone at my age by now is settled, mature, have families, houses, doing positive things with their family and kids. And here I am, such a total loser...

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