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Having an affair and thinking of leaving - genuine advice needed please


confusedinTX

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This is a long post, and I'm sorry if I sound a bit disappointed when writing but after nearly 2 hours of typing last time the page timed out and I lost everything upon trying to submit. I'm looking for genuine advice here, not just bashing. I know what I did (doing) was wrong, but I can only change the future... not the past.

 

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My wife and I have been married going on nearly 10 years now. We have one young child, both have great jobs, house, cars and are financially comfortable. After 2-3 years of marriage I'm not sure if I just "fell out of love", "got the itch" or just wanted to mess around but I started cheating. I have had countless small sexual affairs over time and 2-3 larger emotional and sexual affairs. This most recent one I finally broke down and told my wife about as the web of lies was so big, it was breaking down and destroying me mentally. I could not lie to her anymore after how good she has been to me for our entire life and I knew that she already knew but was just refusing to believe it.

 

After breaking down and telling my wife about this woman I left my home to go to the other woman... On the way I literally had a nervous breakdown about the storm that my life was about to become and ended up staying with my friends for the night. The next day I did end up breaking down and was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts ands severe depression. What got me most was the idea of never seeing my child and my wife ever again. My daughter is is my world, and I love her to the ends of the earth. After a week in the hospital I came home and have been in our home but not sleeping in the same room as my wife. We are trying to work things out, but I honestly feel that it is a one sided effort....my heart is just not in it. I feel like I'm "trying", but it's more of the same of the past 4-5 years... My heart is not in it and we are just going through the motions. I HATE that I am hurting my wife so much as she has been so good and dedicated to me.

 

For the first week I was gung-ho on trying to make things right, to finally stop the cheating and to make things right with her... I went a whole week not calling the other woman even though I thought about it every day... over time, it burned at me, and I finally reached out to say I'm sorry that I can't be with her and what should have been a 10 min call turned into 2 hours telling each other how much we love each other. then I think I finally started to recover from my depression and weakness and I started to look around again... I look EVERYWHERE I go... the grocery store, the mall, the gym, we even went out of town together and I could not keep my eyes of the women in yoga pants. When I was with this most recent woman though... it all changed.

 

 

This most recent affair has been different. I developed real genuine feelings for her. I feel like I'm genuinely in love with her and she is in love with me. When we are together we are both happy... we do things for each other to make each other smile, we make love as well as have sex, and to top it all off... she is just as sexually open as I am with women. She loves being with other women (only when it is with me) and loves to go to strip clubs and have a great time. She has an amazing body and an amazing personality even though she is a hot mess. She has a host of other problems both financially, family wise and more.... but when we are together we are both happy. It's a happiness I have not had in a very very long time. She made a lot of mistakes when she was growing up and has had a VERY hard life... Right now she is trapped in a loveless marriage as well and I think we both see each other as a way to be happy. I almost see her as a damsel in distress that I feel like I could save. She knows about my situation and all, and I while we both lied to the start of the relationship to cover our past, we have come 100% clean to each other and it's so nice to finally be open and fully honest with someone in my life. When I'm with her, I'm happy the same way I feel when I am with my daughter whom I love so much. It's killing me to be apart from her and she is waiting for me to come home. I know my life would be a disaster, a mess, and a train wreck but at least I would be happy.

 

She has a lot of baggage in her life that I'm not fond of, but I would end up working with to be with her. My current in laws are amazing, wealthy, and have started to forgive me for what I did to their daughter... The new woman's parents literally treat her like a slave, steal from her, abuse her and more... There are so many things that I would have to end up dealing with I just can't seem to shake what my heart is feeling for her. We have not seen each other since Thanksgiving and it's hurting us both. I LOVE this woman, but I'm afraid that I'm tossing away my marriage for something that is just fleeting as I have fallen out of love with my wife. Do I give up my whole life and go through a painful divorce for the chance at happiness?

 

I don't know what to do here. Do I think that after 4-5 years of loveless marriage with a still devoted, beautiful, passionate and attractive wife I can try to spark love again after cheating so much? I feel like I don't know any other way. I know she is very attractive, but when I see her I see platonic love, not passion and romance that she sees in me. I'm currently going to a therapist and psychiatrist but I'm not sure if they can heal a broken heart, or make me fall back in love with my wife. I don't know that even if I do try to make things right with my wife I can live with the fact that every time we are out and there is a beautiful woman near us my wife will be thinking about the affair, about if I think she is more attractive that she is, or just staring at me to see if I'm talking or looking at her. It's like a giant boulder that I feel will always be over my head.

 

Any advice here or perspective is very appreciated.

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I think you need to give this serious thought because neither your wife, her family or your children are going to put up with your running to the other person/suicdalideations and complete.lack of commitment to your family more than once. You've played that card and she took you back. Try again and you will be divorced with no assets.

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Get divorced (to protect your wife from you), then stick with the counseling. The next big revelation you're going to have is that it wasn't your marriage that was making you unhappy, it is you. You will be free to be with whoever you like or not and you still won't be content. Then, you will hit rock bottom and start regretting how you have lived your life - things you believed in, your values, your choices, and finally your divorce. At that point your wife will have healed and moved on. At least spare her from being coupled to you during your descent.

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Get divorced (to protect your wife from you), then stick with the counseling. The next big revelation you're going to have is that it wasn't your marriage that was making you unhappy, it is you. You will be free to be with whoever you like or not and you still won't be content. Then, you will hit rock bottom and start regretting how you have lived your life - things you believed in, your values, your choices, and finally your divorce. At that point your wife will have healed and moved on. At least spare her from being coupled to you during your descent.

I agree divorce your wife. Save her from that knife sticking in her heart and save her from STDs. And save your daughter from learning that women are worthless.

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Why not take a break, be single for a solid spell and work on healing your issues, so you do not resume serial cheating in the future when a relationship hits a lull? It's going to be painful no matter what you do but instead of focusing on women, work on changing you so that you won't again perpetuate hurtful behavior. The 3 year mark is notorious for being a difficult in relationships. Some relationships grow beyond it, some don't, but it takes awareness and effort. You said "Do I give up my whole life...", but you haven't really had a "whole" life, as up until now it has been fragmented and full of lies. I'd like to say stay with your wife and child and fix it, but from the behavior you've described, the damage may be too complete.

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The first and most important thing: divorce your wife. You have already pretty much ruined her life, please don't stick around and do the same to your daughter. She sounds young enough that she can bounce back from this, but not if you keep this up.

 

The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be for you. Your wife is going to get full custody, you're going to be paying out the ass for child and spousal support. I don't want to sound mean, but I think you don't realize how big this is. Lives are being ruined because you like to look at girls in yoga pants.

 

You need to divorce your wife. THEN you can start thinking about your love life and this other woman. Please divorce her now and let her have the chance to be with someone who loves her. Then, once you've done the right thing, it will be easier for you to move on and focus on changing your life for the better.

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All you have confessed is ONE affair. Why not grow a pair and tell the full truth-that you have cheated on her with multiple women regularly for 7-8 years and also tell her that she should be tested for STD's. Then wait for HER reaction-allow her to end this marriage so she doesn't have to also feel the pain of being dumped for someone else. Allow her that anger that will ultimately help her to get over you and find a man who values her, respects her, loves her. Put her first for a change. Do one selfless act for this lovely lady and tell her the brutal full truth so she can finally see you for what you are.

 

No matter who you are with, how good you have it-you will never be happy. The problem is not your wife, other women or the ups and downs of a normal marriage. The problem is you. You have issues. Sex addiction, low self esteem, insecurity, emotional immaturity.. the list goes on and on and now you have found a woman just as dysfunctional as you are so go wreck each others lives, be miserable together and leave your wife (innocent victim) alone.

 

The fact you use sex to escape reality and then choose suicide to deal with the fallout after the truth is revealed shows that you have no inner strenght. You have caused all of this so be a man and face the consequences. Stop wallowing in self pity-you deserve none.

 

Grow up and sort your life out. Get rid of all the women in your life and stick with therapy.

 

I only hope your daughter grows up to have more self worth and more self respect then you or her mother so she never tolerates this s**t from any man

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Hi,

 

It sounds like in your mind, you know what you *should* do or what the *right* thing is to do, but that in your heart... you're just not there yet, for whatever reason.

 

You know your wife deserves a husband who is loyal, but you also know you're going to continue your behavior towards women, which obviously conflicts with having a happy marriage.

 

You seriously need some *you* time. Know who you are without any women attached to you.

 

I really have to wonder if part of the reason you say you're in love with this other woman is that she's probably the only one (out of all the women you're seeing) who would promote your skirt-chasing (sorry, I really don't mean this in a derogatory way, just the only thing I can think of right now...my coffee hasn't hit my brain yet).

 

Honestly, in all likelihood you're probably going to cheat again, regardless of who you're with. Then again, "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always the case. (Trust me, I know.)

 

I would encourage you to talk to your therapist/counselor about these things. Decide how you feel about yourself. Work on yourself. Then, decide how you feel about your wife. What you want for her, what you want from her. And then go from there.

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Forgetting the fact that you're already married, the description of the woman you're in love with and hoping to pursue a relationship with sounds like a recipe for total disaster. I wonder how long you'd maintain that attraction if she became truly available to you, and left her abusive partner. Also, don't forget that some dysfunctional women are happy to have an affair with a married man but run for the hills the moment he leaves his wife. At the moment your respective partners are effectively shielding you both from the reality of what a relationship together would be like.

 

I'm wondering about your depression, though. Some people with depression which isn't severe enough to affect their lives of itself need the emotional volume turned right up before they can experience any emotion at all, and it could be that the drama, thrills and uncertainty of illicit affairs have served this function for you. Thing is, love in a long term relationship isn't about fireworks; it's poised and sustainable - unlike the romance and passion at the start of a relationship. You won't rekindle that with your wife (or at least it's very unlikely), but you do potentially have the grounding for a steady, solid relationship. At least if you stop cheating.

 

At the moment, you have a choice between a train-wreck which you've convinced yourself will make you happy (have you ever seen anyone in a very troubled relationship who is happy in reality???) or the potential for a total change of heart, personal growth and a solid future.

 

I know which I'd choose.

 

Another poster on here has pointed out your sex addiction; if you were prepared to participate in this program: link removed you would probably find it more use to you than therapy or psychiatry by themselves - and it could potentially save you from a disastrous life choice.

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And I'll tell you this for free; this is a lie.

 

How do you know this? You don't. You can't really say that with any authority. He knows her better than you do so making unfounded judgements about her character doesn't help him.

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When you started having these feelings early in your marriage - or stopped having them, whichever the case may be - what did you do? Did you do anything with your wife to try to work through those feelings with her, or did you just close yourself off and begin having affairs to fill the void?

 

It sounds a lot like you have already made up your mind, but here is some food for thought:

 

What happens when, in 2,3,10 years you are "bored" with this other woman? Are you going to repeat the cycle that you're going through now?

 

There isn't a secret to a happy relationship, other than that love is a choice. One you make every single day. You can choose to work through the dark periods, those times where the rush and excitement have waned, and you can do things to fan those flames back into life... or you can bury them with ashes and go start a new fire elsewhere.

 

The choice is yours. Grow a pair and make it, one way or the other.

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OP - this isn't to "bash" you, but to point out a few things.

 

Unless your daughter is 6 or under - you were cheating when you got your wife pregnant and made the decision to have a child, since it was a planned pregnancy. I must ask - what WERE you thinking?

 

It sounds like you need time off of relationships, period. And some hefty counseling and therapy to find out why YOU are making you unhappy. Strings of affairs, an emotional one with someone who has enough issues to make a "relationship" impractical, and crashing and burning into a breakdown - you're in NO position to be in a relationship with ANYONE. You have got to get your feet under you, haul yourself up, and get some help getting your internal issues in order before you'll be in a place to form a healthy relationship with anyone, let alone someone with issues.

 

Right now, you're riding the endorphins of attraction/infatuation with other women to satisfy something that's missing in yourself. You have to get off this ride. And let your wife AND this other woman go. Whether you intend to or not, you're using your wife for a safety zone and comfort of familiarity, and using this other woman to combat the depression and that empty spot. It's not good for you, or for either of them.

 

Make a clean break with your wife. Make a clean break with the other woman. And start getting your life together, before you hit rock bottom and have nothing and nobody left.

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You don't love your wife, you don't want to be married to her, you don't really want to try, you want to be with another woman.

 

I think that all roads there lead to going thru with the divorce and setting your wife free to be with someone who does love her and want to be married to her. If she's been good to you, she doesn't deserve the treatment you are handing out to her with all your little sordid affairs.

 

btw, the upside of marrying a woman with financially stable parents is that if you stay married you have a better life, a chance at an inheritance, a safety net, etc. The downside is that they will bring all their financial resources to bear when they realize you're a big cheater who has hurt their daughter and will encourage a divorce, and get your wife an outstanding lawyer and take you to the cleaners.

 

I suggest that if you do consider divorce, you do so by allowing your wife custody of your daughter with visitation for you, because odds are about zero that they are going to let you take a very young daughter into a situation with your hot new unstable stripper GF in residence. you may only end up with supervised visitation with your child if they hire a private detective and uncover your affairs and your stripper GF and any former drug use/criminal background she may have had.

 

so while you're blithely all happy with the hot new GF in strip clubs, you're well on your way to becoming marginal at best in your daughter's life. Don't be naïve and think they won't hire a private detective, and that your wife won't subpoena all your phone and financial records to prove you an adulterer who hangs out with seedy women in strip clubs, when exposing that info will get her a better advantage in a custody suit.

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How do you know this? You don't. You can't really say that with any authority. He knows her better than you do so making unfounded judgements about her character doesn't help him.

 

 

Because no one's sexual preferences are predicated by the presence of another person. She likes women, but that "only with you" is the easiest way to play with someone's ego, ever.

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If all the lies and deceit led to your breakdown then perhaps you should confess to ALL the affairs and get yourself out of your web of lies once and for all.

 

… And seeing as you have a hard time doing the RIGHT thing, once your wife knows the truth, SHE can then decide what the next steps are to be, therefore taking the decision out of your hands.

 

You are the creator of your own web .. your wife is the innocent 'fly' caught up in it. If not for yourself, then for her sake, set her free!

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It is extremely sickening to read how you claim to love your daughter and how she is the light of your life, and then you go and do THAT to her, her mother and your family? How will it make you feel if her husband will do that to her behind her back, and JUSTIFY it with "oh, I am too sexually active and adventurous for one woman to be in my bed". You should have divorced after first affair, because honestly - I think you knew right away you wont ever go back to your wife. One mistake can be understood, if the marriage is loveless and so on, but YOU, you were just bored and selfish!

 

That passion and that longing you describe you have with your latest mistress, is exactly what you had with your wife when you first started dating, I am 100% sure. But all that bed hopping is making you very forgetful.

 

I don't feel sorry for you having that break down. I actually think it was just a smallest part of what you should experience after what you have done. You need to do at least something like a real man in this life and tell your wife everything and stop playing with her life - you ruined enough of it already. Tell her she needs to get tested because of the amount of vagina's you have been in to, and divorce you, because you don't love her, you don't respect her, and your daughter needs a proper father figure in her life.

 

I hope it was judgmental enough.

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