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I am sure this has been said thousands of times here, I know I am one of many.

 

I had been involved with a wonderful woman for 2 years. From the beginning we knew we were not compatible in a lot of ways. We do not have a lot of common interests or hobbies. Our minds are polar opposites. I am an engineer and very practical, analytical and logical. I am adverse to risk and admittedly have trouble dealing with deep emotional problems. She is a therapist and deeply emotional person. But from the moment we met there was instant chemistry between us. I have never felt closer to someone. Our physical relationship was fantastic. Most of the time we were very happy and content just to be around each other. We would both do our own things be together as much as we could. However we did not work well with any kind of conflict. Whenever things went a little off track we almost always ended up equally frustrated and hurt.

 

Several months ago she broke things off with me citing our incompatiblity. I accepted her decision but wanted to be friends. At first she refused any contact from me. After a while she agreed to meet me again. When we met I told her that in addition to our superficial differences (interests etc.) I admitted that I had a fear of comittment and was always holding back a little emotionally. After we talked she told me that she wanted to be close again. I was worried I would ever be able to satisfy her emotionally and suggested we try to be friends first and take things slowly. She wanted no part of being friends it had to be "all or nothing". In spite of my fears I agreed and promissed I would try very hard to be as open and vulnerable as possible. We spent a week together in complete bliss. I was doing everything I could to overcome my fears and was saying "I love you" often, hugging and holding even when we were not being sexual. At every opportunity I engaged in discussions of hopes and plans together. All of the things we agreed I could improve myself by doing. I had never been happier.

 

Then we had a disagreement. I have never been a dog person, she has always known this, she has a dog she treats like a person. I've always been nice but pretty indifferent towards her dog. She asked me to watch her dog for the afternoon (because the dog has such severe separation anxieties it can not be left alone for more than 15 minutes without it destroying things). I made the mistake of telling her her dog acted very weirdly while she was gone. (dog would not play or eat, just sat up and stared the entire time). This became a huge issue for her and she told me that it was because I didn't love her dog I didn't love her. I don't love any dogs, especially hers. I didn't think this was a measure of my love for her. I felt that in spite of my dislike of her dog, offering to watch it and trying to comfort it was sign of how much I did love her..... this went on for 24 hours and every hour I could feel her pull away from me more and more.

 

The next day she broke up with me AGAIN, by email, citing the issue over her dog, again stating if I loved her I would love her dog and concluded it was proof I had not changed and we would never be happy together. She refused to even talk about it and still refuses to talk to me after a week. I really think the dog issue was her way of creating a situation such that she could blame all of our issues on me. I think there is a lot more to it than that. I think she has plenty of issue of her own. It's over for good, I shouldn't even care but I admit deep down I do.

 

OK so here is the thing. There are enough obvious reasons above that we are both better off trying to find someone more like ourselves. I see that, I know that. Yet still, I can't stop thinking about her. A huge part of me wants to do anything possible to get back together and prove we could work things out. But even I don't really believe that. No matter how hard I try to think of something else I can't. It is occupying my mind at work and when I am with friends. I went to the movies to distract myself and the entire time I kept thinking of sharing the experience with her. I know it is bad for me, I know nothing good can come of it. I know we will never be together. But I can't stop these thoughts. Worst of all is the fact that she lives VERY close to me (all my friends warned me not to date a neighbor). I literally can not go anywhere without driving by her house and I can't stop myself from making note if her car is there or what lights are on.

 

I'm becoming a pathetic mess!

 

Sure it helps to type all this out for someone to read but is there any advice at all that might help me?

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I think very different people can live very well together, if, and only if both are capable of appreciating the other completely for who and what they are..

 

When I came to the part about the dog...man, I almost screamed with disbelief. That is pure crazy.

 

I am so sorry you are in pain. Yet it seems you have a pretty good grip somewhere in your mind that this was problematic from the start..

 

When it comes to stopping thoughts, I am in a devastated state of being myself now - so I crawl ENA for nothing and everything these days.

 

I will spare you all the common advice since I feel I have no credibility right now. But know that I feel your pain.

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ok... its ok. you guys just broke up a week ago. i would be more worried if you said that you were fine and didn't feel anything. you guys were together for 2 years! and she is the first person you let yourself be really vulnerable and open with... so of course you are going to have to go through a period of healing.

also because she is blaming YOU for the break up, it is normal that you want to fix that. no one likes to feel that they caused the break up.

the important thing is that you recognize deep down that this is for the best. AND IT IS.

 

and i have to say, i hope you don't think i'm being mean..... but i actually had a good giggle at the 'dog' situation. how could such a small issue turn into a break up! but then i'm not a dog person either.

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it's really not the dog issue that caused the break up. there must've been other issues in the relationship such as her insecurity when she's with you. her doubting if you really do love her. she was only finding excuses to support the idea that you don't really love her like you say you do.

 

the real issue here is that you guys really aren't compatible and don't understand each other.

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I think very different people can live very well together, if, and only if both are capable of appreciating the other completely for who and what they are..

 

 

I used to tell my ex this all the time bc she used 'we are different people' to break up with me, when we really do have a lot of common interests it is just some stupid small things like, i don't like sand and she would like a gf with whom she can roll in the sand sometimes. We were together for 9 months and she asked me to go to the sea once. Can you blame me for thinking wht the h*ll??

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I think very different people can live very well together, if, and only if both are capable of appreciating the other completely for who and what they are.

 

I agree entirely. I don't think this is a problem and too many people think having common interests or not having common interests is a sign of compatibility/incompatibility.

 

When I came to the part about the dog...man, I almost screamed with disbelief. That is pure crazy.

 

This is also the point at which I decided your ex has problems and you need to stop blaming yourself.

 

I found it hard to believe that she's a therapist - she seems manipulative and close-minded.

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She definetely has her own issues. It is not all just you.

 

You can't expect yourself to be over her in a week. This will take quite a while to be able to 'accept & let go'. Break ups are far from easy- we understand you.

 

But you do need to sit back now and think.. about all you two have been thru, in order to see and understand why you repeatedly broke up. Yes, the differences, the disagreements(she used many excuses to try n blame YOU for everything).

 

In time you will see and accept that you were just too different and although you tried..sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

Yes, it is sad.. yes it really hurts. It'll hurt for a good while. You're human- you do have feelings & emotions.

 

I really dont feel you will be able to 'prove' anything in order for this to work. You two have tried more than once & broke up again.. and again.

 

Another thing is it is not possible to be 'friends' with an ex UNTIL all those 'feelings' are gone. If that ever comes about again, i suggest NO. Maybe in a year or so.. when you're over her.

 

Give it all time... lots of time.. to work on your heart & mind. This does hurt & it will.

 

Don't put yourself down for all that has happened here.. it always takes 2. In time you will come to see it and these pains will ease.

 

Stick around.. you're not alone.

 

tc

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Thanks, Just getting some comforting feedback from stranges does help.

 

Yes I knew all along it was not "about" the dog. A lot had to do with the arguing that followed the initial comments and disagreement on why the dog acts weird around me (she says my fault, dog behaving that way because of me, I just think the dog is weird) and her beleif that this was a sign I did not lover her "enough" and my insistance that my feelings for her dog are not about her. It was weird, she kept saying I was making a big deal of it. I would dismiss it and ask if we could move on. We'd agree and 10 minutes later she would bring it up again. After 24 hours of that she did not want to spend the night together and I woke up to find the email she sent me in the middle of the night. Her decision was final and did not want to talk about it. She used the dog as an example but said it was our "dynamic" (the way we argued) that she can not take any more. I wrote back trying to get her to see my side of things but she refused to talk about it. Told me to stop trying to discuss it with her and told me she would never read any more email from me.

 

The whole time we were together I accepted her for who she was and was very happy with her. I actually was attracted to how different she was than me. I was willing to admit some of my faults and try to work on them but knew I was never going to be just like her. I, for whatever reason, did not meet her needs.

 

Her MO has always been to shut down and push away whenever things got uncomfortable. This was actually the 2nd and 3rd time she pushed me away, the first time was a year ago. The first time she pushed me away, she actually said things were going too well and too fast and she freaked out. It's worth noting that this has happened both holiday seasons we have been together. Last year it happened right after Christmas, this year it happened the day after Thanksgiving. I am not sure what it sparks in her head but something seems to trigger her doubts. Her MO has always been to shut down and push away whenever things got uncomfortable. Rather than letting things cool down and talk about differences, she pulls away completely and isolates herself.

 

Don't be too suprised that a therapist has issues of their own. Having been around her friends, most of whom are therapists, I realize most of them are pretty screwed up people. It's debatable if the field makes them this way, or being that way draws them to the field. Most of the ones I met were recovering alcoholics (she is and has been sober for 5 years, her ex husband was and is an alcoholic) and had major issues with their parents. She in particular has a big love/hate conflict with her mother, who she has told me is Borderline Personality.

 

On my way to work today I saw her walking her dog. She looked away and I resisted the urge to wave or beep or worse, stop the car and say hi. It wasn't easy for me though.

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