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Confused - I should be feeling more for her


needhelp6

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So I “got the girl” the one I was hoping would respond to my on-line dating requests (the one I didn’t think would), we’ve been dating several weeks, we're exclusive, intimate, we’ve taken two trips together (one over New Years). On paper she’s perfect intelligent, educated, good job, fit, beautiful, younger, traditional, treats me well, she’s made it clear she’s committed to me long-term. That said I’m having a difficult time seeing myself with her long term (my ultimate goal), which is crazy, there just seems to be something missing, again on paper she’s perfect, absolutely perfect.

 

The one thing I see as a challenge that may be working against us is the lack of time we actually spend together. We’re both busy with our careers, she has a child, I have a child and we both have other commitments. I more than likely won’t see her until next week and we won’t spend the evening together for another 11 days.

 

I wonder if this could have something to do with my feelings, not being around her more (she told me over New Years she needs more of my time). I briefly dated a woman who I’d practically moved in some of you may remember her as the woman who gave a child up for adoption. Even though she wasn’t as “perfect” on paper as this woman, I did see something long-term with her. That said, we spend a lot of time together. She’d be at my place when I got home, there when I’d get-up etc. She also didn’t have children which made it much easier for the two of us to spend time together.

 

Anyone have any insight, been in a similar situation or can maybe view something from the outside that I can’t see for the forest?

 

I really do “like” this woman, however I’m just not feeling what I expected to feel with her.

 

Thanks in advance!

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Sorry, can't help you there. She seems like a great catch. I'm not sure how to explain the feelings other than that you know yourself best. You want to feel a certain way but don't. I guess it's hard for me to relate because I don't have a certain specific feeling that I expect to have in a relationship. I just base things on whether I am attracted to the person and enjoy being around them and are compatible with them.

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OK, I am not going to give you a hard time for the fit comment (since I am fit so I'm biased) but why is "younger" perfect? I think a smart-as-a-whip woman close to your age would be a great fit for you.

 

I think you should separate 'not feeling it with her' and 'not seeing her much.' If you are feeling it with her, it won't matter if you see her once a week or three times a week. Seeing her more won't necessarily ramp up your feelings (as long as you see each other once a week.)

 

Some of this might just be about patience. It's only been a few weeks and I think you are rushing a bit by going away with her already, being intimate already, thinking long-term. This should be the dating period where you are figuring out compatibility and giving yourself a few months before making the decision to be in a relationship.

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Just because someone seems perfect on 'paper' doesn't mean it's supposed to be perfect for you. Emotions and chemistry sometimes cannot be explained. When I met my guy it was like a lightening strike....I saw him and it hit me. Not sure if it was crazy chemistry, or timing but I have only felt that one other time in my life with someone. I just KNEW it was right...crazy as that sounds. Anyway....in your situation, if something feels amiss, it probably is. Listen to your gut.

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Just because someone seems perfect on 'paper' doesn't mean it's supposed to be perfect for you. Emotions and chemistry sometimes cannot be explained. When I met my guy it was like a lightening strike....I saw him and it hit me. Not sure if it was crazy chemistry, or timing but I have only felt that one other time in my life with someone. I just KNEW it was right...crazy as that sounds. Anyway....in your situation, if something feels amiss, it probably is. Listen to your gut.

 

This. It's tough for me to write this, b/c I am on the opposite side--guy I was seeing didn't feel the chemistry, and he ended it. Is my heart broken a little? Yes, but in the end it was the right thing to do. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them, and Ms. Darcy is right--the time spent is a factor, but not the main one.

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Just because someone seems perfect on 'paper' doesn't mean it's supposed to be perfect for you. Emotions and chemistry sometimes cannot be explained. When I met my guy it was like a lightening strike....I saw him and it hit me. Not sure if it was crazy chemistry, or timing but I have only felt that one other time in my life with someone. I just KNEW it was right...crazy as that sounds. Anyway....in your situation, if something feels amiss, it probably is. Listen to your gut.

This is really interesting. I have been in a similar boat before with a couple different guys but it never worked out for me so I decided to take a different approach to dating and it has worked out far better for than my previous approach and I am very happy. Each person needs to do what works for them. OP if you have felt a certain way in previous relationships heat have been very successful then this is a sign. If not, it may be worth trying something else . In my case the feeling go instant intensity an desire never took into account compatibility so that was my downfall. But for some people you just know early on and that works! Do you.

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you've only been dating for weeks, imo it takes longer to build love and that feeling you are looking for and to know whether or not it has long term potential... give it time...

I agree, however, it just feels like something is missing.

 

OK, I am not going to give you a hard time for the fit comment (since I am fit so I'm biased) but why is "younger" perfect? I think a smart-as-a-whip woman close to your age would be a great fit for you.

 

I think you should separate 'not feeling it with her' and 'not seeing her much.' If you are feeling it with her, it won't matter if you see her once a week or three times a week. Seeing her more won't necessarily ramp up your feelings (as long as you see each other once a week.)

 

Some of this might just be about patience. It's only been a few weeks and I think you are rushing a bit by going away with her already, being intimate already, thinking long-term. This should be the dating period where you are figuring out compatibility and giving yourself a few months before making the decision to be in a relationship.

Darcy Darcy Darcy, you always seem to want me to date women my own age LOL. I agree some of it is patience; I want to be in a LTR and I'm growing impatient. However, she's also mentioned to me (twice) that she needs more time with me, wants to spend more overnights with me etc.

 

Regarding compatibility, we're unbelievably compatible, that's what so frustrating. Even eHarmony said we were (that was a joke)!

 

This. It's tough for me to write this, b/c I am on the opposite side--guy I was seeing didn't feel the chemistry, and he ended it. Is my heart broken a little? Yes, but in the end it was the right thing to do. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them, and Ms. Darcy is right--the time spent is a factor, but not the main one.

It's not that I don't feel we're compatible, we're very compatible, it just feels like there's something missing. Many mention "spark" maybe that's it.

 

This is really interesting. I have been in a similar boat before with a couple different guys but it never worked out for me so I decided to take a different approach to dating and it has worked out far better for than my previous approach and I am very happy. Each person needs to do what works for them. OP if you have felt a certain way in previous relationships heat have been very successful then this is a sign. If not, it may be worth trying something else . In my case the feeling go instant intensity an desire never took into account compatibility so that was my downfall. But for some people you just know early on and that works! Do you.

You know, it's been so long since I was in that position I don't know.

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The one thing I see as a challenge that may be working against us is the lack of time we actually spend together. We’re both busy with our careers, she has a child, I have a child and we both have other commitments. I more than likely won’t see her until next week and we won’t spend the evening together for another 11 days.

 

This would be a big problem for me.

When you've been with someone for a while, it's ok if you don't see them that often and if you have to spend some time apart. But when it's the first weeks/months of a relationship, you need time together to form a bond..at least I do. Is there any way to meet more often?

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This would be a big problem for me.

When you've been with someone for a while, it's ok if you don't see them that often and if you have to spend some time apart. But when it's the first weeks/months of a relationship, you need time together to form a bond..at least I do. Is there any way to meet more often?

It's challenging, how do you really get to know someone and develop feelings for them when you're unable to spend time together. I'm probably overly protective of my daughter and won't introduce anyone to her that I'm not sure is long-term; she's not quite as dedicated to this as I am, yet she's mindful of it. Over the holidays she invited me to a couple activities where her daughter would be, suggested I bring my daughter but I declined.

 

She's a dedicated mother and I'm a dedicated father so other than every other weekend we really have no time that aligns. Thus the trips or overnights, cramming as much time together as possible. Only other option is weekday lunches but our offices, traffic and schedules don't really accommodate this.

 

With the divorce rate in the US our situation cannot be that unique, right?

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Well I'm gonna go against the consensus and say I think you should have felt the spark/flame by now. If you don't feel there is any passion in this relationship, spice it up OR be honest with yourself and let her go.

I'm having a difficult time articulating exactly what seems to be missing, its not passion, there's definitely passion there, it's something else. For example, there's gal I took out a couple of times from my bank even though on paper we shouldn't have been compatible, there was just something about her (still is), even thought she was completely wrong for me and she had an on again off again boyfriend. That "thing" seems to be missing with this woman and I'm having difficulty putting my finger on just what it is.

 

Those who have been in similar situations (female side) do I bring this up to her?

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Those who have been in similar situations (female side) do I bring this up to her?

 

No. Not until you're ready to break up with her. I know that if a guy I was dating told me he felt something was missing, I'd feel confused and disappointed...unless I felt the same way. In any case, I'd probably give up on him.

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No. Not until you're ready to break up with her. I know that if a guy I was dating told me he felt something was missing, I'd feel confused and disappointed...unless I felt the same way. In any case, I'd probably give up on him.

Probably a good idea not to say anything. Frustrating . . .

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You may have unrealistic expectations of a relationship. Many people do. It used to be an issue for me. That being said, if that is your problem (I don't know if it is, but if it is) I don't think you are going to get to a point where you change your expectations until you get there on your own. It's not like a switch you can just turn off. It takes time and experience dating to realize (again if it's something you need to realize, maybe that's not your issue).

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You may have unrealistic expectations of a relationship. Many people do. It used to be an issue for me. That being said, if that is your problem (I don't know if it is, but if it is) I don't think you are going to get to a point where you change your expectations until you get there on your own. It's not like a switch you can just turn off. It takes time and experience dating to realize (again if it's something you need to realize, maybe that's not your issue).

Lady, what do you mean? That I have an unrealistic expectation of this thing called "spark" or are you referring to the time spent together?

 

I know she feels the same way regarding the time spent together as she's told me she needs more of my time and more overnights with me twice. So I know she recognizes that piece.

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Lady, what do you mean? That I have an unrealistic expectation of this thing called "spark" or are you referring to the time spent together?

 

I know she feels the same way regarding the time spent together as she's told me she needs more of my time and more overnights with me twice. So I know she recognizes that piece.

 

I mean regarding missing "something" that you cannot articulate. I don't believe in the "spark". I think that is more often than not a feeling of uncertainty and insecurity about how the other person feels about you and it can be stressful so it feels exciting.

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It might be that you are hung up on some of the previous women you dated (bank girl, the lady with the adopted child...by the way what happened there?). May be that you are simply not in a good place to meet a new woman. Is it possible that your heart is closed up? You look like you apply business rules to relationship, but while there is a little bit of cost-benefit analysis in relationship too, they are certainly a different types of "projects" with their own rules. One of the basic rule is that if you haven't properly healed from a previous relationship, it is useless to enter into a new one-unresolved feelings will bite you in the but.

 

All of the above is just a guess. If the scarce time together seems to be the problem, is it possible to coordinate the visitation with your ex-wife so that you would be free the same time your new romantic interest is available?

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It might be that you are hung up on some of the previous women you dated (bank girl, the lady with the adopted child...by the way what happened there?).
Jumped into things too fast. I'd practically moved her in, decided to take a break and we never picked-up. I think about her from time to time; she had no children so time together was not an issue, enjoyed spending time with her. Took her to a destination wedding, you know how those are, saw myself with her long term, maybe marriage. She started to move some of her things into the house, we attended a couple of shrink appointments together then I broke things off, things were going to fast, my fault not hers.

 

May be that you are simply not in a good place to meet a new woman. Is it possible that your heart is closed up? You look like you apply business rules to relationship, but while there is a little bit of cost-benefit analysis in relationship too, they are certainly a different types of "projects" with their own rules. One of the basic rule is that if you haven't properly healed from a previous relationship, it is useless to enter into a new one-unresolved feelings will bite you in the but.
Maybe I'm not, however, I desperately want to me in a long term relationship. I've even thought about marriage (never married) which has never occurred before. I do tend to look at things from a cost benefit perspective, thus the "on paper she's perfect." Which may be why I'm so attracted to bank girl, on paper she's not perfect, she's a bit of a nightmare and on paper completely wrong for me. However, she brought me out of my comfort zone and had an edge to her.

 

Rambling now. Thanks for the advice!

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Your problem is a lack of chemistry with this girl. How does eharmony predict your compatibility? (just curious). Anyways, I think you can be compatible with someone but it doesn't necessarily mean you have chemistry with that person. People who are best friends can be compatible, otherwise they wouldn't get along so good but there is probably not any sexual chemistry between them.

 

You said she is committed to you long term and says she needs to spend more time with you? Doesn't sound like she is playing very hard to get. Even though you don't spend a lot of time together she shouldn't be saying stuff like that already. Guys like to work for a woman not have one waiting on a silver platter. It sounds like the banker chick excited you more. Excitement + unpredictableness = chemistry.

 

Sometimes something can seem so perfect it's boring. Predictableness, perfectness, don't have to fix it up or work at it, modify it, make it your own.

 

Bottom line - NO CHEMISTRY

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12-19-2013, 05:30 PM #47 needhelp6

UPDATE - Things are going well, we're officially exclusive, accompanied her to her company's holiday party last weekend, she spent the weekend at my place, we're going away together this weekend . . . things are good and I'm into this woman. Funny, the one who I didn't think would respond I'm now in a relationship with. Happy Holidays everyone!

 

OP, the above is from your other thread on on-line dating, you seem to be excited and happy, totally into your new woman. This was only 17 days before you launched this current thread. What happened during these 17 days? Was there some specific event, or a mental shift, how come you were so excited one day, and then 2 weeks later, you feel something is missing? Think hard, something must have triggered this shift from excited to not sure. Did you spend too much time together, so you were somewhat overwhelmed and you needed to withdraw, which on its turn triggered this question about chemistry. I remember in this excellent book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus", John Gray explained that men are like rubber bands, so to say when they get saturated with intimacy, they need to temporarily withdraw to restore autonomy, before they spring back when their need for love and closseness kicks off. Google this book, you can find it for free over the internet, really a useful book and easy to read.

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I think you're on to something here although I do feel some chemistry, maybe my expectations are to high. I agree bank girl was exciting, unpredictable, had an edge to her and on paper completely wrong for me. Not to disparage her too much but once I got to know her she was a bit of a mess. I heard from her over the holidays, guess she and ex-boyfriend are off again, she wanted to grab a drink and I declined.

 

Current woman: in her defense, I did tell her on our first date (part of my plan) that I wanted to be in a LTR within 12 months and that joining these on-line dating sites were part of my strategy (didn't use these terms with her or the other women I met). I think this is where her comments regarding LTR come into play. She's telling me what I told her I want to hear. I would agree she's not playing hard to get, however, I believe I set that expectation. Damn, what I mess I fear I may have created . . .

 

 

East, I read the book when it first came out and vaguely remember what you reference. I'll have to download the book and re-read.

 

I cannot think of any specific event or trigger, I was very excited by the prospects of dating this woman long-term, still am, I just want to feel that "thing" with her. Maybe its that we took two trips together and IT didn't happen. I enjoyed the trips very much, had a great time with her, enjoyed all the activities we did together etc, enjoyed the alone time with her, plenty of passion . . . maybe I thought that "thing" that was missing would appear or just happen.

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