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Gf tells me she was molested as a child by her brothers... advice please


gvision

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So i've been dating this girl i love for about a year, and her sexual past has always bothered me a little, but i've gotten over it...

 

So now she lays on something on me that is messing with my head.

 

She cries and breaks down and says she was molested by not one, but two of her brothers, starting from age 8, for five and a half years till she was 13.5.

 

It apparently happened a few times a week for over 5 years. Apparently she did everything with her two brothers EXCEPT all the way intercourse, but i believe oral and all that was involved.

 

Its such a mind trip for me to think that the girl i love was sexually involved with her brothers for 5 years...

Im getting these visions of the 8 year version of her going down on her brother, its a mind trip.

 

obviously her brothers manipulated her and she was a in dark place where all she wanted to do was be one of the guys and be accepted. So I get she was molested and tricked. But she says she was never forced... so i dont really understand why she didn't realize what she was doing was wrong. she said she was confused because her brothers had told her that it was normal and all the families do this and she felt physical pleasure from it so she was very confused...

 

I dont know how to handle all this information, i feel sick and grossed out by it so much. Im almost repulsed.

Am i in the wrong to think this way

 

If she was never forced, how could she not have stopped what had happened

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I think you need to seriously consider your attitude here, it's verging on victim blaming. You should be offering her support

 

I appreciate it's a difficult thing to do, but you really need to consider things from her perspective - this is a huge thing she's told you,and it would be devastating for you to be openly "grossed out"

 

How is your relationship? Length, seriousness etc etc?

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dude from someone who was molested at a very young myself, give her support , its a huuuuge step that she told you this , is show her trust and love she has for you, i know its gross and off putting , but what happened wasnt right she was manipulated to think it was ok, and that is why it may have never seemed "forced" to her but manipulation is forcings ugly cousin IMO, try to support her but wrap your head around it first

 

 

I think you need to seriously consider your attitude here, it's verging on victim blaming. You should be offering her support

 

I appreciate it's a difficult thing to do, but you really need to consider things from her perspective - this is a huge thing she's told you,and it would be devastating for you to be openly "grossed out"

 

How is your relationship? Length, seriousness etc etc?

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I had a quick scan of your previous threads. I understand you have insecurity issues

 

Something to note is that there is a VERY good chance you are the first BF she has opened up to in this way. It's a huge step for her personally in your relationship.

 

If you love her. Support her and try to understand. I know it will be difficult but try to consider that this level of emotional intimacy is worth so much more than her sexual history - abusive or not.

 

Has she tried counselling? If not,offer to support her through it. If she doesn't want to face it that's her choice.

 

Being in a relationship means,whether you realise it or not,dropping walls and being ready to be fragile. To be hurt. This girl has just done that on the strongest possible way. That, in a way,should rid you of your insecurities, by understanding that she loves and trusts you enough to he so vulnerable.

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She needs a therapist and you need to educate yourself. Just because they never held her down and violently raped her doesn't mean she wasn't forced. Many victims feel that if it wasn't violent they were not forced but that account for the many other ways people can be made to do something they do not want to do.

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But she says she was never forced... so i dont really understand why she didn't realize what she was doing was wrong. she said she was confused because her brothers had told her that it was normal and all the families do this and she felt physical pleasure from it so she was very confused...

 

I dont know how to handle all this information, i feel sick and grossed out by it so much. Im almost repulsed.

Am i in the wrong to think this way

 

If she was never forced, how could she not have stopped what had happened

 

I think you should break up with her. You don't have the skills to be the support she needs. Honestly. You can't do it and this is not something you are going to learn if you haven't taken it upon yourself to learn all you can and to be sensitive.

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You need a serious adjustment in the language you are using here. She was NOT " sexually involved" she was sexually ABUSED HUGE difference there. Read on link removed and link removed. That will give you an idea as to sexual abuse is about and the enormous devistation it causes. She HONOURED you by trusting you enough to tell you. If you can not handle it get out of that relationship now.

 

PS I am also a sexual abuse survivor as well.

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She was a child-8 years old when this started. She didn't even know what sex is and how could she know its wrong when they manipulated her and told her it is normal.

 

Many victims of sexual abuse become promiscious later in life. Not because they enjoy the sex but because they confuse the act with love and it makes them feel wanted or special. Or because they have become so used to being used and degraded they self destructive and keep wanting to feel this way..

 

Abuse is extremely complicated. Without doing extensive research you will never understand and you should not be with this girl if your gonna judge her. This was in no way her fault

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