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Should I contact her?


blacklantana

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I initiated the breakup this weekend. We had another argument, which escalated quickly, and I had enough. We have been getting in bad unnecessary fights lately, at least once a week. I told her it needs to stop happening and that my tolerance is very low, as well as my patience.

 

I recently bought property in a town around 30 minutes from her. I had been looking for a place closer to where she lives for the past year or so, but nothing came through. I ended up finding this place recently, and she was bitter sweet about it. Sweet, because I finally bought my own place, bitter because it was still "far" (30 minutes) from her. She told me a few days ago that she wishes I lived closer so that if we want to have sex, it wouldn't be as far to drive. And that it makes her sad because she feels like she is missing out on some stuff (implying sex) in our relationship. This basically upset me, and I told her it isn't nice to keep putting me down about this decision to buy a place semi-far from her. That instead of implying I made a stupid decision, to just be happy for me that I own something. The argument escalated and I ended up just telling her I'm done. It seems like she always causes something...

 

Question is, should I contact her and try to re-settle this argument? Obviously I got upset really quickly and I usually wouldn't, but the fights leading up to this one sort have had me on edge lately. I obviously love her and it sucks to end things on something like this, but what should I do? She basically "accepted" the break up and told me I must not love her or want her if I just want to "easily" get rid of her after an argument.

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She definitely sounds selfish. My boyfriend lives an hour away. Sex shouldn't be her number 1 priority. She sounds very immature and I feel that you deserve someone who appreciates what they do for them. (I would be ecstatic if my boyfriend was 30 minutes closer, not because of sex, but because of the fact that he is closer!

 

Good Luck and I'm here if you need any advice or just someone to talk to

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She definitely sounds selfish. My boyfriend lives an hour away. Sex shouldn't be her number 1 priority. She sounds very immature and I feel that you deserve someone who appreciates what they do for them. (I would be ecstatic if my boyfriend was 30 minutes closer, not because of sex, but because of the fact that he is closer!

 

Good Luck and I'm here if you need any advice or just someone to talk to

 

Yeah, I was going to tell her something like "There are people who live an hour or more away and are still happy", but I didn't bother. Even though she sounded genuinely sad by the fact that I don't live closer, it is the way she worded it and made me feel like I made a bad decision in buying property.

 

Cool, I appreciate it

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From what you said, I think your anger was an overreaction. And breaking up was way overbaord for what she said. I think I can see how it was annoying but I can also understand what she was trying to say. Ultimately, she misses you and misses sex with you. I actually read that as a sweet sentiment. I recognize you have put in much effort, but both sides can and do have strong feelings about these situations. And I think you over-interpreted what she said as "implying" you made a stupid decision. That's from your own head and your own insecurity.

 

I do agree with her on this:

She basically "accepted" the break up and told me I must not love her or want her if I just want to "easily" get rid of her after an argument.

 

But if you guys are fighting this much, perhaps breaking up is the best thing to do. I don't believe in breaking up in anger and then getting back. That creates an on/off relationship dynamic for an obviously unhealthy dynamic. May be best to move on.

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Gee, ya think she'd actually 'appreciate' the fact that you looked at getting a place, a bit 'closer' to her, instead, she keeps on btchin? Wow.

Is there no satisfying this woman?

 

Do you think you should keep 'trying' to explain and sort this stuff out? Or is she gonna find something else to bark about?

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A half hour is nothing! Honestly, if your girlfriend is always complaining about stuff like this, I can relate to her. She's wrong, but I can relate to her because I used to be just like that in relationships. If things didn't go exactly the way I had them pictured in my head, I would get upset and start a fight over the stupidest things. It drove guys away without fail. I've learned a lot from those experiences and no longer behave that way. People want to feel appreciated and taken care of in a relationship, not berated over things that are not even problems!

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i can totally sympathize with you, my ex would constantly be putting me down for everything, and it would just get me so angry. never did i feel good enough for her and it really hurt my feelings. that said, i recently have been reflecting on myself and can now agree with ms darcy and ill tell you why.

 

number one - go out, right away and buy "getting the relationship you want". It's a great book that explains why and how we choose our partners. our ex, was not trying to hurt your feelings, she just had hers hurt first. She obviously is hurt that you "seemingly" dont want to be closer to her, so she deals with her pain by insulting or putting you down. Underneath it all she believe it or not is saying she loves you and wants to be closer to you. And you did say she was happy for you too. As easy as it is to say she's totally inconsiderate of your feelings (which she may be), she is with you because she loves you and wants to be closer to you.

 

Now in this book, it discusses how you can diffuse these situations. I used to get so upset at my ex, for ruining some really amazing moments by criticising things. I used to think she was just bad buzzing, but now i think she was just acting insecure. explains why she would constantly read my text messages, as I still am friends with my ex ex(i didnt care I had nothing to hide). what she was really doing is her inner child was saying "pay attention to me". now i havent read the whole book 1/3rd of the way through, but it discusses validating the other person. When the other person feels like you understand them, they will feel safer around you, and will with time stop all the nagging and insults.

 

Obviously her comments are totally over the top, but instead of getting pissed at her, you could say, "babe that's really sweet of you to want me closer and I see that being 30 mins away could upset you/or be frustrating. I was excited to be closer to you and this is the best place I could find for X reason". By saying that, you are immediately saying to her, that she has the right to be heard and to have herelings too which is more what her inner child is asking for. she's not telling you to sell the house, she's just seems to have taken your choice to buy your house as though you dont want to be closer to her. totally absurd i realize, but that's just her unconcious brain at work. and the more you recognize her feelings, the less she will lash out at you.

 

By acting the way she is, she is just acting out her unresolved childhood issues that developed likely with one of her parents. You as her bf need to recognize that she is unconciously trying to get that closure she may have never had, and meanwhile you are probably putting her down/aside just like one of her parents did when she was just a small kid. never mention this to her of course. but what you can do is leave your copy of you book out, and you can just say you got it to understand how you can be a better boyfriend. if she reads it too she too may also make some dramatic changes.

 

I honestly think this will resolve a lot of your problems. It's not too late to change, assuming you really love her. you have a lot of power to make your relationship much better. I would start with a healing conversation and try and change how you react to her childhood needs.

 

When I think of how i would get pissed at my ex for constantly criticizing me, I now realize how getting angry and barraging her with a ton of well thought out and clear reasons why her comments were totally absurd only pushed my ex away from me, by invalidating her and making her feel small, instead of making her feel understood, safe and loved. Had I been able to validate her feelings I think I would have been in much better relationship, and the criticisms would have decreased instead of exponentially increased.

 

It's not all my fault, but i can make changes to respond to her needs, and so can you. For me it could very well be too late, but for you, I think you can make this better. Get the book, it's very insightful.

 

Good luck!

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A half hour is nothing! Honestly, if your girlfriend is always complaining about stuff like this, I can relate to her. She's wrong, but I can relate to her because I used to be just like that in relationships. If things didn't go exactly the way I had them pictured in my head, I would get upset and start a fight over the stupidest things. It drove guys away without fail. I've learned a lot from those experiences and no longer behave that way. People want to feel appreciated and taken care of in a relationship, not berated over things that are not even problems!

 

My ex was the exact same way. She had this fairy tale fantasy of how things *should* play out (usually based on a movie) and when they of course didn't happen that way, she was either crying or upset or causing a commotion. Drove me absolutely bonkers.

 

I can also sympathize with the OP; I dated a girl for 3 years and felt that I was basically her "sex toy". The relationship started out as such (that's a whole other thread) but I felt under appreciated for things other than sex. That was an on again off again relationship; I would get upset and break up with her for very similar reasons to what has happened with the OP and after I did that one too many times she said that she had had enough was gone and boy was she. Me and her broke up 5 or almost 6 years ago. What's interesting is we just talked today (we've chatted infrequently for some time) and we have lunch plans for the weekend after next. I haven't seen her except for once very briefly in years. Anyways....

 

Edit: Speaking of books, the very well known "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" has been very eye-opening to me in light of my recent breakup. The first few chapters have the bulk of our arguments pegged.

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