Jump to content

Change the way you think about your ex


Recommended Posts

Long post but I want to explain how I am getting over my ex.

 

I made my one of my New Years goals to tell my ex exactly what I want in a future with her, why i would choose her, and what the past meant to me, then let it all go. It fell on fairly deaf ears, but we had a pleasant enough talk about it. She is completely over me and is trying to start a relationship with a guy who lives on the opposite side of the country who is one of the reason I broke up with her. She said I was an amazing boyfriend and never did anything wrong and that she was mad for me before the split, which I initiated but realized I over reacted and tried to fix.

 

It's been a month and a half and she is 100% done, we are remaining friends and being cordial. After this talk I was able to come to a realization about my situation. She is choosing a guy thousands of miles away who can't offer her any foreseeable future that she would be satisfied with, he does not have his life in order at all, but it's a love crush she has always had and needs to explore before she can actually grow the hell up, she is still young, I am older. I was her perfect match and a good partner, it won't be long before someone else notices me. I have my career and education moving forward, I look fairly good and know how to treat a quality woman, it's her loss and what she needs learn for herself.

 

So my life is going to improve significantly regardless, and I will meet someone who can give me an even better relationship than she could of. So either way I win. I get my life in order, a better woman in my life or a changed and matured ex down the road.

 

Why would I fret? She has a difficult unfulfilling relationship ahead of her and I have endless possibilities and a long rewarding road ahead of me.

 

So if you can't stop thinking about her/him, just change the way you think about her/him instead. And eventually you will stop entirely. I feel so much better now that I have shifted gears. No more heart ache, I'm hopeful for my possible future, and I don't miss her as much. It's incredible really.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to be negative, but honestly it doesn't sound like you are truly happy or one bit over your ex. You almost sound like for you, the only purpose in finding a new relationship is to rub it in her face or feel like you "beat" her at dating... You even mention the possibility of your two still getting back together down the line... This entire post is all about your ex...so I'm wondering what exactly it is that makes you think this is the road to not thinking about her at all?

 

It's nice that you're feeling better but I also think you need to be realistic about this. If the only thing that makes you feel better is imagining your ex miserable with a man she's never able to see...and you being able to rub a new gf in her face... This isn't so much a change of heart...as indulging in the same kind of "revenge" fantasies many people have about exes...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is a round about way of allowing myself to see that my ex is not good for me and that I am better off. I'm not strong enough to just say oh well she's gone and hit the switch that way. This way is a gradual disconnection. So since she told me there was nothing I did wrong or that I needed to change while we were dating, I need to assume my ex is immature and that maybe she will grow up and want me back, if not I will find someone who is good for me while I am pursuing my life goals. Not rub it in her face, I wouldn't keep it a secret from her though if she investigated. And if she came back humbled and I was still looking I would give her a chance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, in a way I agree with Sammi^....

 

You are still struggling with it and sounds a bit like you are in a vengence mode. Because you are still hurting.

Not only from what you first wrote but also looking at what you said here, now, ^^ YOU are also confused. It's all in ways of your 'emotions' over her & the break up.

Like you said>> "It is a round about way of allowing myself to see that my ex is not good for me and that I am better off"

 

And then you say > "So since she told me there was nothing I did wrong or that I needed to change while we were dating, I need to assume my ex is immature and that maybe she will grow up and want me back, if not I will find someone who is good for me while I am pursuing my life goals. "

 

So, point being.. that you KNOW your ex is not good for you.. BUT, IF she grows up & stops being so immature, maybe you will take her back?? WHY? You stated, yourself.. how immature she is and all.. PLUS the fact that you know she isn't good for you... look at these facts.

 

I think you just need some more time to work on and 'accept' it's done now and keep working on moving away from her from here on in... you think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Btw- as in trying to change the way I think of my ex?

It's been 9 mos on accepting & trying to heal.. and what i've kept in mind is 1) His loss, as I AM a decent & very patient person.

And 2) I tried.. he lied..so HE made this bed, he can lie in it! His choice to mess this all up so badly!

His problems.. his mistakes.. not mine! He had a good woman, IF only he realized it! But...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with a lot of what you said SooSad, but I've exhausted my vengeance mode weeks ago though. I was significantly more vested in the relationship than she was, I was giving and giving and giving and never getting back. I was just dependant on that relationship working because of everything I had invested hoping she would eventually give back, she made it clear I will not be getting my emotional money back which took the anxiety and wonder away. I was left with a defecit, and it hurt while I was in limbo, I recognize that and am looking for a relationship where that wont happen again.

 

She is the way she is, it ruined her last relationship(she admits to that, when he broke up he said "you always say you love me but never show it", her words), it ruined it for me, and it probably will ruin this guy for her too(I know his personality type, he is more emotional and needy than me and will buckle eventually, but he will probably stay longer because I stopped wanting to tolerate it). Until she changes that aspect about herself she will probably never find a fulfilling relationship, and I dont want a part of that anymore unless she truly changed, because there was a lot of good in her too making it worth having.

 

I dont hate her, I actually feel bad for her at this point. Something inside her can't give generously to a relationship, and thats a serious character fault. This next guy is gonna convince himself its a good idea to move all the way accross the country, and probably be left bewildered when it doesn't work, and if it does good for them. She's not the one for me.

 

I broke up with her because I wanted her to see you cant treat a good man that way and expect him to stay, but you also cant change a selfish woman, so oh well.. Life goes on, I still have goals and im good looking, plus raised to be a gentleman, I'll be just fine... My conscience is clean

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I get it Trevorjames, and I think you need to get to that place where you can let her go, however you need to get there. I did a similar thing when I went NC.

My rationale was that the best thing I could do to show my ex how amazing I was and how much he would miss me, would be to cut contact and move on. I figured that it was a win-win situation because he would either 1) come back or 2) not come back, but I would have moved on and not minded.

Of course this is flawed logic, and the chances of him coming back because he saw me being happy were pretty slim. But at the time I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship, and I needed to make this deal with myself just to take that first step.

You're not quite ready to let this girl go either, and that's ok. Because as you have pointed out, where you are heading there are no bad endings. Stay true to yourself and your commitment to have better relationships in the future, whoever they may be with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...