im finally said I done and planning moving out? am I wrong? why do I feel guilty

[loveiswaiting]

I posted here several times but long story short I was with my ex for about five years and lived with him after the break up for 3 years. we have two young children together. About a year ago while in the process of trying to move out again, I realized I was having a really hard time . not because I loved him but because I feared him. I finally accepted I was in a verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship. I put my foot down in July after looking for him all night cuz he decided to walk out leaving me with 4 children cuz he was upset at something trvial. It started at 10 pm and I picked him at 8 am.Once I told him I was done he threatened to kill himself and called me so many names and said I was evil cuz I didnt care. He went fron wanting to kill himself to just living in the streets. he was going to disappear. He told our kids he was going to be homeless and they will never see him again and that it was my fault. They are 3 and 5, really, that would be horrible to tell your kids even if it were true.

He did it again later after finding out I was talking to a guy. I said it just wont work out anymore. and he threatened to kill himself. He begged for 1 more chance. Perhaps this where I messed up, I said okay. I didn't think it would work, but he threatened himself and I just get tired of fighting. so in the past 3 years j found out he was carrying ldr with women. that is why we were not together in the first place. I talk to guys here and there but never carried a relationship. I would drop them if I thought we had a chance to work. I always ask him about when we work thjngs out and he always had an excuse. But he still try to say things to bring hope. I knew when I told him we work on it , it wouldn't work. I knew he wouldn't change because he doesnt think he is ever wrong. And he started with a "episode" that day.

I start snooping , which is a common thing with him cuz he really is a lair but he is really good. I found out the trip he took jn the summer he went to see another women. Mind you he didnt work and he took at a loan for this trip. I was pissed a minth later I find out its his fiance. I was lost for words. He talked to me during the summer he wanted us to move to that state too. which is 7 hours away from here. He already has me 2and half hours away from all my family.I been planning to leave for a few months. I have been logging his actions and text when I can. sometimes I get so disgusted that I cant record it. I was planning on moving back to my famliy. he also has a sister and young nephews there. What made me tell him I was done was when he told me about this new trip he has. He had a set date and told me to get a sitter. I read his messags I knew he was going to see her. The part that made it bad was that we were stuggling with money and I really needed to pay electric before it shut off. He was hiding money . A friend gave him 500 and he brough a hircut and food and stuff for the house he spent $50. Thats it and saved the rest. he works part time only two days now. We needed that money. thats when I was tthrough.

 

Heres the dynamics of our house. I work fulltime. He barely worked thoughout the relationship. I cook when I can. I clean I pay bills. I take care of children and things like doctor appointments or school. He watches them when I work, thats it. He does not clean behind them really.

 

Now we get to the issue. I want to move back to my family which is 2 and half hours away to a different state. I want to take the kids. Becuase I am am everything, it leaves him with nothing. And I truly feel bad. I offered to help financially and try to help with options. He just keeps telling me his life is over. He tells me that I lied becuase I said we woukd work it out and that I didnt even try. I want to share the time with kids. He tales me he nothjng without his kids and that im trying to take them away.I am really trying to provide a better stable life for them. Where I live know, I dont have a support system. I could never count on him, he didnt even come to his daughter s graduation. When something was wrong ag school and I couldn't be reached. they couldn't reach him and they had to reach my parents who are out of state. Right now, I feel wrong and guilty. He says I am being selfish for moving the kids. Am I wrong? I try to imagine leavjng them , and I love themto much but at the same time, how is he to care for them with a parttime job. He doesnt even know where his kid goes to school or the doctors name. I feel that he plays with them and all but he isnt a parent. Should I feel guilty? Am I wrong? Should I just move out and stay in this area? His last request is fir me to rent hin a car for his trip which he is taking ttoday. I never got the sitter and he sags this is all he wants from me. But I told him no , I really would have but he doesnt have a license. I find to be too risky, he says that I am mean, that I cant even help him.

[SooSad33]

Oh my gawd.. I am exhausted just reading this.. poor you!

HE is too much! Full of crap & excuses.. lies and deceit.. guilt trips.. you name it!

STOP falling for his mentally deranged attitude.

 

He reminds me of my first ex (an alcy). He forever made me feel guilty and HE was the one always out, drinking, etc. Never a proper husband/father to his boys. I finally got tired of it all & the fights. We split and I would NOT take him back. We were done...

 

Look up Narcassist. He could very well be one and you do NOT need this anymore.

 

YOU only feel such 'guilt' because this is how HE has been with you.. like you are so used to this kind of treatment. BUT, you know it's all wrong. He cannot be dealt with in a proper manner.

 

Unless suggest by lawyers ( Im sure you can obtain thru assistes services) as at courthouse- local lawyers etc.

They may advise supervised visits if he may be of possible risk around the kids. If he gets visitation at all?

But usually, yes father has a right to visit with the kids.

 

So, by all accounts, you should both be close enough in order for him to do so. Hours away is a bit of a pain.

 

YOU rent HIM a car? Why?? IF he cannot afford it.. then i think he should not be going. You do NOT owe him anything, I feel.

 

From all I read.. all I feel is.. Buddy, this is your bed you made,, you can lie in it.

Sometime down the road.. hopefully HE can get his act together and grow up some.. maybe?

 

At this time.. with an ex- we have 2 kids-, if he cannot get the kids or drop them off, we'll discuss it. I can sometimes drop them off for him and pick them up Sunday. But usually he is able to get a ride over to get them, here.

We've learned to compromise.

The other ex.. alcy.. does not see his boys. He left town years ago. My eldest now says he has no father & that is fine.

Either way, ALL of my kids KNOW mom has always been there for them. I didnt leave and they're doing pretty good nowadays- good

 

All this CRAP he is handing you Re: being mean etc.. HE is acting VERY selfish! You cannot and will not do EVERYTHING for him! HE needs to learn way of life and HIS own responsibilities here!

It is NOT all about him!! Remember that! YOU have been pretty darn sensible and patient, like I have been.

 

good luck

[loveiswaiting]

update _he now has come to the point where he is name calling and blaming me. He cant find his id and is blaming me. Even if the kids took it then it is my fault for letting them. Honestly, I don't kniw where it is. He has money to pay rental but he he doesn't have a license still. Not even a permit. A few minths agi had to get a rental, I let him drice my car but I didnt let hin drive rental. I had to get rentals twice and had to spend 40 on two different times dir a cab to get there. I was out alot and had to ask for money. I missed work cause I didnt have bo one to talk me. again no support in area. I had a friend at work to help a little but when it came time for him to work, he wouldn't ride with her so I had to get a rental. I had to aak my mom for rent as well that month. my daughter had to go to doctor my dad drove all the way here and took her to urgent care then rented me a car.