Men's Reaction To First Time Causal Sex (need advice)

[bluedarkness]

Hi there!

 

I am new to this community and decided to share my thoughts and get advice from anonymous internet users to get an outside perspective.

 

I am a 21 year old female; I come from a background in which sex/casual sex is prohibited but in a way I've set my own values. Overall, I believe that it is safer and healthier to be having sex only with men a woman is in love with and is in an exclusive relationship with. I've had two relationships in the past and have therefore only had sex with two guys. But recently, now that I'm finally single after so many years of being in relationships, I am starting to become curious of what having a hot-steamy one night stand or a continuous friends-with-benefits relationship is like. I met a couple guys recently I really adore but that are not interested in having a relationship with me or we are not compatible enough. I consider them both my friends. I've been entertaining the idea of having sex with them (or any guy I like that is), but I've always been scared of casual sex for a few different reasons: acquiring STDs of course, pregnancy, rejection, and feelings of guilt and shame. I am big on respecting myself and my body and making the guy wait for as long as we both can. But I've been thinking, if you go in knowing you don't expect a relationship from the guy, would these thoughts even matter? Also, a big reason I'm scared of having casual sex is making it a habit, as well as the man's reaction. I have a sensitive and loving soul and I know would probably take it really personally if the guy rejected me after having sex with him. Therefore, I need advice. I want to know your experiences when it comes to casual sex. Would the guy becomes less friendly/flirty as a result of having sex with him? Will he lose respect for you or even maybe stop talking to you? Would he perhaps, if he had a good time of course, like you more? I just don't want to get myself in the situation where I lose a friendship, feel dirty with myself, or get hurt. Overall, I want to know how guys react once a girl has sex with them, and that if it ruins the friendship and a potential relationship perhaps.

[blacklantana]

acquiring STDs of course

 

Resolved by getting you and your sex partner tested. Go together to a clinic, view the results together. Use a condom.

 

pregnancy

 

Are you on birth control? Also, use a condom.

 

rejection

 

Rejection would not automatically equate to not having attractiveness toward you. The guy who may "reject" you, could be due to the same "fears" you are having. Your list is long, so read them and one of them would most likely be accurate as to why he "rejected" you, and again, it has nothing to do with physical attraction.

 

feelings of guilt and shame.

 

Why feelings of guilt and shame? Sex is healthy. As long as you are having responsible sex.

 

I am big on respecting myself and my body and making the guy wait for as long as we both can. But I've been thinking, if you go in knowing you don't expect a relationship from the guy, would these thoughts even matter?

 

You are respecting yourself and your body by making sure both of you are clean, via STD testing, as well as using preventative measures such as birth control and condoms. If you are going to have a friend with benefits, the idea of "let's wait as long as we both can" is irrelevant. The objective is sex, not a relationship. Remember which mindset you are acquiring. And if you find you cannot get the other mindset out of your current thinking, then STOP your pursuit in friends with benefits.

 

I have a sensitive and loving soul and I know would probably take it really personally if the guy rejected me after having sex with him.

 

Again, why would this be personal? You are hesitating to this idea of sex with a "friend" yet you aren't mentioning that these guys might take it personal if you aren't ready.

 

Would the guy becomes less friendly/flirty as a result of having sex with him?

 

If anything, he will become MORE friendly/flirty. Good sex adopts more attraction. It's all natural.

 

Will he lose respect for you or even maybe stop talking to you?

 

If he does not understand your current mindset and "experimenting" with sex, then he may take it the wrong way and yes, "lose respect" for you. But again, people do understand that it's quite natural for people to want to have sex.

 

Would he perhaps, if he had a good time of course, like you more?

 

Probably. It depends on the guy. Some might feel indifferent to the situation.

 

I just don't want to get myself in the situation where I lose a friendship, feel dirty with myself, or get hurt.

 

If you lose a friendship over your initiation, the person most likely read you the wrong way. You would need to explain why, etc, if you still wanted that person as your friend.

 

Overall, I want to know how guys react once a girl has sex with them, and that if it ruins the friendship and a potential relationship perhaps.

 

It doesn't necessarily ruin a friendship, but it will change your friendship. Many times, it leads to one person starting to actually like and want to be in a relationship with the other. This leads to complications and you don't want that. Just an FYI, friends with benefits rarely works, especially for a person like yourself who seems to be a "sensitive and loving soul". If you are going to do this, you cannot treat sex as an emotion. It's an action. In the same way you eat dinner with a friend, you may have sex with them. But as with a dinner "date", some people take it to mean more than others, and that is what you have to be careful about.

[wlh22]

great advice from Blacklantana!

[missmarple]

Would the guy becomes less friendly/flirty as a result of having sex with him? Will he lose respect for you or even maybe stop talking to you? Would he perhaps, if he had a good time of course, like you more? I just don't want to get myself in the situation where I lose a friendship, feel dirty with myself, or get hurt. Overall, I want to know how guys react once a girl has sex with them, and that if it ruins the friendship and a potential relationship perhaps.

 

If you're wondering about all those things, you're not the type who could have casual sex. I've had a few FWB's a long time ago (I was around your age, actually)...in most cases, I couldn't care less about how they would react after sex. In one case, I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me too, and we dated for 2 years. After that relationship, I decided that I'm made for relationships and stopped sleeping with people who were my friends.

 

My advice is this: if sleeping with someone is going to cause you more trouble (in the sense of overthinking things) than fun, don't do it.

[SapphireNoir10]

I was never one for casual sex. I had to have feelings for the person to sleep with them and if there were feeling involved then obviously a casual relationship wouldn't work.

 

In my experience FWB's never really work out because one person is always more invested than the other.

[DancingFool]

I think your biggest illusion is that a one night stand is this steamy, passionate, great sex. The more accurate reality is that the first time with someone is usually not very good at all. They don't know you and what makes you tick and you don't know same about them. Since it is a one night stand, neither one really cares much about pleasing anyone other than themselves. Thus you may well feel used and cheap as he rolls off of you panting and you are left to fend for yourself completely unsatisfied and surprised that you did not get what you were seeking.

 

Anyway, be careful about thinking of sleeping with your guy friends. Some might be into you that way, but some may simply be your friend precisely because they are not sexually attracted to you. So you will not only get rejected, but possibly ruin your friendship as they move away from you thinking you've developed feelings or attraction to them that they will not return.

 

As for the guy thinking less of you, depends on the guy. Some definitely will, some won't. All kinds of people, all kinds of views. Problem is that you won't find out until after. That's kind of the thing about a one night stand or something casual - you can't care what the other side thinks. If you care, it's not for you.

 

Finally, with friends with benefits type situation, almost invariably one person ends up developing feelings and wanting more while the other doesn't. It can quickly turn into a mess where someone is getting hurt and rejected in a you are good enough to sleep with but not good enough for anything else kind of way. If that idea won't sit well with you, then don't do it.

[Amp33]

Take it from a girl who has had one too many experiences with one night stands.. As "fun" and tempting as they appear, it really turns out to be a lonely life. It becomes not so fun, and some times, especially if the guy was really only wanting sex and zero else, it's a little embarrassing. Females carry emotion with sex whether they want to or not. But it's different with men, they can have sex without any emotion involved and therefore it's not as big of a deal to them.

 

Though then again, I was friends with benefits with a guy for nearly a year. We were basically a couple but we never went out together, never met each other's families, and never talked about serious things, which made it so much fun.. For me. The only issue was that eventually someone will fall in love with the other. And he fell for me. Then it turns into a vicious cycle.

 

Bottom line I guess, if you're going to try it, wear protection, get checked out, leave emotions out of it and be prepared for rejection.

[pl3asehelp]

Sex is special to you now because you treat it that way. As soon as you treat it like something less, that's exactly what it will become for you and you can't ever go back. Sounds like you're just bored - I'd look for a hobby.

[agatha]

as someone who had a fwb a year for the last 7 years, and enough ons's to get over that thrill for good, I say:

 

you are not casual sex material. go date.

[shelty24]

ONS are not passionate, hot or steamy. Actually awkward, uncomfortable, embarressing, the sex is really bad (especially if your female) you get nothing out of it a part from a feeling of being used or in my case being taken advantage of by an a**hole who was too forward and ignored the fact I was a) drunk and b) making it obvious I was uncomfortable, tense, not into it and upset..

 

And as for FWB, you will probably get attached to him and hurt..

[tmtex]

She just wants to get banged, go for it

[agatha]

when a girl wants to get banged, she gets banged. when she thinks this much about it, it just means she's not thick enough to get in and get out unharmed.

[dali]

ONS are not passionate, hot or steamy. Actually awkward, uncomfortable, embarressing, the sex is really bad (especially if your female) you get nothing out of it a part from a feeling of being used or in my case being taken advantage of by an a**hole who was too forward and ignored the fact I was a) drunk and b) making it obvious I was uncomfortable, tense, not into it and upset..

 

And as for FWB, you will probably get attached to him and hurt..

 

What a load of crap. I disagree whole heartily.

 

ONS are what you make it, they can be steamy & passionate and one a helluva good time. And FWB'S can be great if your on the same page.

[Jennifer89]

Hi, and welcome

 

I have had several FWB relationship, though I don't have them with "friends" as much as just guys who I meet online with the same intention, who I meet up with and then continue to meet up occasionally afterward. I came from the same mindset as you a while back, but once I became single and that turned into months and I really didn't want a relationship, I thought, why not? I do not regret giving it a go in the least! It has been a great learning experience for me.

 

First of all, safety! Condoms, condoms, condoms! Make sure you get the right fit and the guy puts it on properly (if you are unsure yourself, look it up). I keep regular condoms and large condoms on hand. Latex free- for myself- though you may want to get some latex free even if you don't need them in case the guy does.

 

I am also on prescription birth control. When I first started out, I was on the NuvaRing (which is great if you can remember to put it back in after), then on the pill (which is great if you can remember to take it) and now I have the implanon. Whatever works, but be on something, because condoms are a lot less effective then a script.

 

Safety in meeting- I always tell a friend who I am meeting, when and where. I drive myself, I send my friend a pic BEFORE meeting, I give my friend a "safety time limit," if I don't text or call within 3 hours, she knows that something is wrong. If I meet a guy somewhere and we decide to go somewhere else, I drive myself there as well. Is it not full proof, but it is pretty safe. If the guy looks different then his profile pic, tries to get me somewhere private etc, I leave right away (thankfully, that hasn't happened, but it is my plan).

 

For the fun part, there's something different about casual sex from relationship sex. It's more about the physical feeling and less about the emotional feelings. I love it, but in a different way. It is fun, and when we are both satisfied, he leaves. Some guys want to hang out for a while but that's not my thing. I get to know them with some short conversations before/after and via text, so I know a little about there life, but I'm not trying to date them, so I don't need to sit around and drink coffee with them after. I am the girl who will hand out the occasional beer after, just to keep it fun (for them to take home and drink). The point is casual and no commitment. If they want to hook up with someone after me, that is there business, though as far as I know, no one has. I tell them that straight up, but tell them that I expect them to use a condom if they do. One guy decided he was going to try to get back with his ex, I wished him luck and sent him on his way, he came back a few weeks later. I still go on dates when I want to. I still hook up with other people when I want to, I am not committed to any one of them, and that makes it all the more fun.

 

All the guys I sleep with are great guys, most of them are just not in a spot to date (recently out of a long term relationship, super busy, have young kids and don't want to date until they are older, etc).

 

I have friends who have tried it gotten hurt. I think the key difference is that they hook up with friends and then they try to hang out after. It's hard not to get feelings for someone who you are hanging out with and having sex with. I would recommend, since you are a sensitive soul like I am, that you keep your friends and your f*ck buddies separate, and you shouldn't get hurt.

 

And though it's not for everyone, I've got to say, my man are hot, sexy, large, and the sex is steamy. I come several times. It may not be relationship sex, but it's not suppose to be. My number one goal is to bring him pleasure, and his number one goal is to bring me pleasure, and there's something really amazing about that even without all the feelings.

[Jennifer89]

What a load of crap. I disagree whole heartily.

 

ONS are what you make it, they can be steamy & passionate and one a helluva good time. And FWB'S can be great if your on the same page.

 

I agree. It sound like Shelty was assaulted (weather she wants to call it that or not is up to her). That is a totally different playing field then having a consensual one night stand where you know it will not turn in to anything, or a FWB. And FWB situations are not all bad, I can attest, as I have had several, as a women.

[Batya33]

I think OP you should reread Jennifer's post -with all those instructions is it really worth it just to experience someone's penis inside of you? Add to that all your (to me legitimate) concerns and I think it would be a bad idea. Also a real "FWB" is when you're good friends first - so you'll get even more attached most likely (what Jennifer is referring to are those casual sex encounters that people refer to as "friends" even though there was no friendship to start with -different situation).

 

As far as birth control when I was sure I didn't want to risk pregnancy I used a condom and was on the Pill. And I still got nervous!

[Jennifer89]

I think OP you should reread Jennifer's post -with all those instructions is it really worth it just to experience someone's penis inside of you? Add to that all your (to me legitimate) concerns and I think it would be a bad idea. Also a real "FWB" is when you're good friends first - so you'll get even more attached most likely (what Jennifer is referring to are those casual sex encounters that people refer to as "friends" even though there was no friendship to start with -different situation).

 

As far as birth control when I was sure I didn't want to risk pregnancy I used a condom and was on the Pill. And I still got nervous!

 

Yes, not quite the same way other people talk about a FWB, though I still consider these guys friends, I wouldn't go hang out with them. I do feel like that is key, for me. And no, there are not too many rules, I would use a condom with a new boyfriend and I would be on birth control regardless. I use those same precautions for meeting anyone online, regardless of why I am meeting them. AKA, if I am buying something off of craigslist, going on a date without sex, or having sex.

 

Is it worth it? That's up to you. A lot women say yes, a lot say no, a lot have one bad experience and give up, a lot of too scared to ever try. Nothing wrong with whatever POV you are coming from, but I'm here to tell you that it CAN work!

[Batya33]

Yes, not quite the same way other people talk about a FWB, though I still consider these guys friends, I wouldn't go hang out with them. I do feel like that is key, for me. And no, there are not too many rules, I would use a condom with a new boyfriend and I would be on birth control regardless. I use those same precautions for meeting anyone online, regardless of why I am meeting them. AKA, if I am buying something off of craigslist, going on a date without sex, or having sex.

 

Is it worth it? That's up to you. A lot women say yes, a lot say no, a lot have one bad experience and give up, a lot of too scared to ever try. Nothing wrong with whatever POV you are coming from, but I'm here to tell you that it CAN work!

 

I actually was talking more about your limitations on how you socialize and keep your feelings in check -seems like a lot of work for what? (I guess the sex is worth it to you). I always knew it wouldn't be for me (I don't have to try things I know could be harmful to me -like drugs, etc. to have that knowledge) - I definitely kissed a number of strangers or "friends" as you define friends where it was just a hook up and that was fun as a teenager/early 20s but then not.

 

As far as birth control and STD testing -of course, good advice. I think the OP is far more concerned with the emotional dangers.

[Jennifer89]

I actually was talking more about your limitations on how you socialize and keep your feelings in check -seems like a lot of work for what? (I guess the sex is worth it to you). I always knew it wouldn't be for me (I don't have to try things I know could be harmful to me -like drugs, etc. to have that knowledge) - I definitely kissed a number of strangers or "friends" as you define friends where it was just a hook up and that was fun as a teenager/early 20s but then not.

 

As far as birth control and STD testing -of course, good advice. I think the OP is far more concerned with the emotional dangers.

 

I could understand it seeming like a lot of work to someone else, I actually like it because I don't have the energy for a relationship, but this comes easy for me. No worrying about your partner's feelings (outside of the bedroom)/paying for dates/meeting family/keeping up with that person... it's just way easier for me (compared to a relationship), so it works. It all depends on what your looking for. I think it could work for OP because I felt largely the same way that she does before I jumped into it; but that doesn't mean it'll work for her. The fact that she cares enough to create an account on this message board and type up a long post makes it seem like she's more interested then not, and it might work out. Then again, maybe she typed it up to talk herself out of it, haha.

 

I can also say that it was more work at first then it is now, but I always kept myself in check because I knew what I wanted/he wanted.

 

OP, have you decided what you are going to do?

[dali]

The best sex I've ever had is with a FWB. It was just nasty Just the way I like it. No feelings, just pure lust and great sex.

 

BUT it does help if your attracted to them, not in the emotional sense but in the physical sense. Just know and play by the rules and no-one get's hurt, you just have fun.

[Jennifer89]

The best sex I've ever had is with a FWB. It was just nasty Just the way I like it. No feelings, just pure lust and great sex.

 

BUT it does help if your attracted to them, not in the emotional sense but in the physical sense. Just know and play by the rules and no-one get's hurt, you just have fun.

 

True! I don't know if I would call it my "best" sex, but I don't think I can really pinpoint any sex as the best. I can say who is the best at something, or what was the best in a category (ex, best "fun" sex, best "relationship" sex etc)

[Batya33]

I think the best is when you have all the pure lust but know that afterwards (if not during) you will be with the one you love, who loves you -nothing IMO can beat that combination of fun and real, genuine caring and love.

As far as playing by the rules I think it's difficult to have two people who are only connected physically be on the same wavelength and understand "the rules" - of course if they agree and they're adults, they can only blame themselves if they get hurt. I do think rules about birth control and STDs should be fairly easy to follow -but the others -very subjective and especially among casual acquaintances or strangers.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't "get" casual sex being so hot. But then again, I've never had it. So I can't deny experiences others have had.

 

How can you really let yourself be vulnerable and uninhibited when you wonder how someone judges you, or they don't know your other weaknesses? To me, sex is a form of letting your guard down. I have to feel accepted to fully let my guard down, and acceptance comes with another knowing my weaknesses and making it emotionally safe to be me. Can't have that with a guy who's just there to go in and out of the bedroom. It's letting an animal out with someone it's safe to, and someone who I can't even talk to about what it means to be me and have them love that won't care about or know that animal. He won't care about what feels good for me the way someone who loves me will. He won't want to please me the way someone who feels my whole being does. He won't be committed to my body, he'll be committed to his, and if he's a gentleman, the farthest he'll get is being polite and thoughtful, but that's not caring on a level where it matters how I feel to him. And that goes both ways, if I don't know you, I have not invested in rocking your soul. How can there be rapport when you don't even know eachother?

 

I guess people find ways, but I just don't get it.

 

I'm talking about f-buddies, not FWB's, which I've had (rarely). And they didn't end up badly, even if there were a few emotional things to iron out. I don't need to be in love, but I need a lot of mutual care on levels other than just, "sorry, am I going to hard?"

 

Once that I can recall, I talked to a man for about an hour who was doing some painting work on my apartment. And in that span of time, we talked about so many things that made him a special person in my eyes, and he had such a sensual vibe about him, I felt like jumping his bones. I would have, had he nothing else to do and a wife somewhere. So was that it? Even then though, it's because after that hour of talking, I could tell we shared some things of the soul, and that connected me to him in a physical desire to touch and be touched by him. I can't imagine without that hour, or if it had been with him talking in a dull and unintelligent way, that his physical appeal alone would have made me feel that way. In fact, I might not have seen him as all that physically appealing anyway, it would have just gone by me.

 

So, I don't know. All I can say OP, is that if you worry about feeling "dirty" from casual sex, I don't feel that you'd be a good candidate. That's probably how you'll end up feeling, and this is you knowing yourself ahead of the fact.