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Is there hope? I probably shouldn't be optimistic


hejrjeu

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I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year. We have a lot of common interests and we think in similar ways, it feels like we've always been good friends apart from bf/gf and we fell in love with each other independently of one another (we went to the same high school). I'm 19, he's turning 20 in a month. We've never actually had a fight, the times we've disagreed it's been me bringing up something that I'm not pleased with and we've had serious discussions, no fighting.

 

I asked him what was up on new year's eve and he kind of avoided to reply, he didn't know for sure and thought that there would be some drinking at his friend's place, implying it was only for the guys. I sent a long message to him on facebook telling him that I wanted to be with him on new year's and that it feels like I'm always chasing him and it feels like he's taking me for granted. He said that he's been feeling depressed during the fall and that it feels somewhat difficult for him to be with me, because he feels like it's a date everytime. I moved to study at uni in september so we've been long-distance since, we've seen each other every two weekends. He complained about the same thing in early May (being with me feeling like dates) so that's not a new thing, and according to him he was still in love with me at that time. He said that he doesn't know if he feels the same about me anymore, it feels like we're more like very good friends than bf/gf. He said that the falling-out-of-love started during the summer and it's been a bit up and down during the fall. He doesn't know if his feelings have changed due to his depression, or if he's depressed because he's been thinking about his feelings for me. I asked him if he'd be less depressed if we broke up and he said "yes, at least as it is now, maybe not in the long run but you can't obviously know that". I then suggested taking a break, he thought it was a good idea and we agreed on being NC for 2-3 months. I told him that I love him and I always will, one way or another, and he replied that however this ends he'll never stop caring about me and will also always love me one way or another. We said goodnight on friendly terms and I'm completely okay with taking the break, it will be for the best whether we break up for good or end up together again.

 

He had been a bit distant lately, and I had noticed he was feeling a bit down but not asked him about it because I didn't know how to bring it up. But sometimes he's been really cute which makes me so confused. I slept at his place (4 days before starting the break) after some drinking and the morning after he was really cuddly and stuff. We had sex and spooned half-sleeping for hours afterward. We were watching TV 2 weeks ago, he was laying on the sofa (I was sitting next to him) and he touched my arm signing he wanted me to lay next to him, and it was really sweet. The day we took the break (a week ago today), before the Facebook conversation, he was at my place, we had sex and cuddled and talked, he teased me like he always does (in a good way). It was no different than usual. Well he was a bit distant but not more than he's been many times before, so it still feels like he has some sort of romantical feelings for me. But it feels like his feelings for me have deteriorated pretty rapidly the last few weeks and the break thing came a bit too sudden, as it feels now I would've liked to discuss a bit more irl, but it is as it is now. I texted him happy new year (2 days after starting the break), and he replied back with the same thing.

 

I'm wondering if it's possible for him to regain his feelings or if there's anything that I could do to help the situation and make him fall back in love with me. Is it okay for me to initiate the first contact after the break? I've decided to live my own life, doing things I like not thinking too much about him these upcoming months and see how it goes when we start talking again. I'm not dependant on him in any way, but I really love him. If we ever start talking about getting back together I will take it very slow, but we kind of clicked from the beginning. I knew him for a year and a half before we became a couple.

 

His birthday is in a month and I'm planning to send him something small and inexpensive (I know a thing he needs that easily fits in the mail...) and maybe write a short letter, no lovey stuff but wishing him a happy birthday and stuff like that. Is that a good thing to do? I don't want to do it because I want him back, I want to do it because it's a nice gesture. I won't hurt more just because I send him a letter, and I know that for sure. That's the only thing I plan on breaking NC with, and I know I'll be able to keep NC.

 

I know that it's normal for the feelings to fade during the course of the relationship and the infatuation stage left me long ago, I love him as a friend but also more than that, but I definitely don't get butterflies anymore. Though he said he's been depressed during the fall, I've felt that it's been going on for longer than that. Could it be normal relationship decline, plus his depression causing him to act like this? I know that I'm young and that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm aware I should focus on working on myself now, which I will do. He was my first everything, I wasn't his in all aspects, but I know he likes me a lot and really does care about me. Can he fall back in love with me?

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i'm sorry to say this, but it really sounds like he's done. the signals have been there for awhile and he jumped at the chance of nc. you are at the point where you're delighted if he wants to sit next to you and cuddle. it shouldn't be that way. whatever he is going through -whether its depression or simply falling out of love- it seems like there is no place for you in his life right now. the best you can hope for at this point is that through strict NC he will realize that he misses you and doesn't want to lose you. but i just can't see that happening sorry to say.

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i'm sorry to say this, but it really sounds like he's done. the signals have been there for awhile and he jumped at the chance of nc. you are at the point where you're delighted if he wants to sit next to you and cuddle. it shouldn't be that way. whatever he is going through -whether its depression or simply falling out of love- it seems like there is no place for you in his life right now. the best you can hope for at this point is that through strict NC he will realize that he misses you and doesn't want to lose you. but i just can't see that happening sorry to say.

 

the thing isn't that I was glad he wanted to cuddle with me, the thing is that he initiated it. He's done a lot of things the last two weeks we were together that made me feel like he really likes me, (for example complimented me in front of his friends, initiated cuddling and kissing in his friend's car, asking things about my life) which made the conversation a real surprise. He also says I've done nothing "wrong" to make him feel like this. He's never started arguments with me, never complained about something I've done. That's what makes me confused. His friends have always been very important to him, so him being with them on new year's wouldn't have been that weird.

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Break, in your case, is breakup.. Just because he cuddle and had sex with you, does not mean he wants you back.. You were there and he was going with what is familiar.. He jumped at the opportunity to take a break from you.. You probably gave him his exit without him having to come up with a copout.. You gave him a excuse to go see other people while he knows you will be waiting in the wings. Time to go truly NC with him (which means no planning to contact him on his birthday or making any other excuses to contact him).. He has probably had feelings of breaking up long before you did (you actually broke up. you are not on break)..

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