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Why am I not more relieved?


Syk

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After 4 years together, engaged for 6 months, we split up about 6 months ago then after 3 weeks we "got back together". It turned out to be the worst decision in the world. A knee jerk reaction to the pain I guess. The main issue was still there (religion) but his attitude and personality was almost evil.

 

He was always a bit too controlling, my clothes were too revealing (they weren't), hated men friends etc. Slowly but surely he seemed to "break me". I know I sacrificed too much of myself. And maybe when he though he had broke me enough, he demanded me to convert to his religion or the relationship was over. Hence the first break up.

 

Getting back together, agreeing to talk over things, but it was clear he had not changed his mind or was willing in anyway to compromise and became more and more nasty to me. Over the last few months, he has treated me with such contempt and when I have tried to defend myself he accused me of talking too freely. There was nothing left of the guy I thought I knew.

 

We had a huge argument just before Christmas, where he said some things that just proved how controlling he wanted to be. At first I was relieved because I wasn't crazy, that his attitude towards me was almost contempt and he just wanted some sort of yes woman, who never disagreed with him. That he could say what he liked about me, but if I said anything about him, he said I was hostile. And I knew that any feeling he had (or maybe never had in the first place) was gone. I was an enemy to him.

 

I concentrated on Christmas and doing family things and generally keeping busy, the relationship status (on facebook) was still up until a couple of days ago when he changed it. I did send him a message then to say along the lines of just change it without talking to me first, he never replied. I really didn't expect him to, he was always a fan of the silent treatment when we were together.

 

So for the last couple of days, he's still been on my friends list, until tonight when I deleted and blocked him.

 

My head knows it was over the first time we broke up, my heart wanted to "try again" so I wasn't left with what ifs.

 

So why don't I feel free? Why am I not counting my blessings that I am away from that suffocating situation? What is wrong with me?!

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Nothing is wrong with you, the breakup is still very fresh. It's a loss, a death of sorts no matter what, and you will still feel some period of mourning. If nothing else for the person and relationship you first thought you had before he revealed his nature and his controlling ways. You didn't fall for the person he is now, you fell for someone else. So mourn that person then let it go. As you go full NC and get space and time between you and him you'll start to be more and more glad you got out. Your heart will catch up with your head, I promise.

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