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RachaelRosen

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I am involved with a man I met online who lives in another state. We have been involved since early fall after talking constantly on a daily basis for a few months. We even broke out the "I love you"s awhile back (it's fast, we're both aware of how crazy it seems) and say it often. We talk online, text a lot, send each other photos and videos constantly, have talked on the phone, see each other on webcam. However, as we haven't met yet, we agreed we wouldn't be "official" until we actually meet because we need to see how that plays out in person, which to me sounds reasonable (although we both seem fairly sure we are genuine as far as how we present ourselves virtually and other things will fall into place.) We do "act" like we're together, though, albeit electronically (for now) and are not seeing other people. We've both expressed while seeing others wouldn't technically be wrong, it would feel like it was wrong.

 

We originally planned to try to meet as soon as we could after I expressed interest back then in early fall. So it has been four months. At first, that meant October or early November. But that didn't work out as I had just moved into a new place and needed to save money, and he was looking for employment. Then he got a job, but it requires an awful long commute. And he wanted to save money too. Then I had surgery. And then the holidays came up.

 

It's now January and we have yet to meet. I told him my reservations a month ago how I was beginning to feel that perhaps we would never meet, but he assured me we would.

 

But he has a lot on his plate now. He's still dealing with the new job with a very long commute (which leaves him tired), he had to drop out of school last semester because of needing a job and may not be able to attend current classes, he has to move into a new place unexpectedly next month, he never seems to have enough money. He didn't even get to visit his child in another state over the holidays because of the circumstances.

 

He is very stressed and says he wants to get everything in order before we meet. He doesn't have any kind of timeline, but a promise of "soon."

 

Early last month I suggested we need to at least meet, and even offered to pay to fly out to see him even if just for overnight...even just a day, and we could have a longer visit later. He pretty much said no, not yet. This upset me because I had been operating under the impression we hadn't seen each other yet simply because we could not. And here I was offering a way to finally meet. It stung to essentially be shot down.

 

I recently told him I completely understand his priorities lay with getting his life in order, I get that, but when will I ever know if us meeting will turn into a priority? And everything from the start is beginning to feel like it was getting caught up in the moment of feelings. Yes, I am feeling some insecurity at this point.

 

He says he has nothing new to add to the issue and can't think about meeting when all of this in his personal life is going on. He made it a point he's tired of talking about this repeatedly (which I thought I only brought up maybe three times in the last couple months, it's not constant, but I suppose he doesn't feel the same way).

 

I'm beginning to have the thought that I don't want to keep investing emotions into something that doesn't end up going beyond a virtual level. You could say I'm losing faith, but honestly I'm not sure if that's just my insecurity talking. I mean, how long do we wait? Until seven months after the fact? A year? When is it ever going to be perfect enough? I don't want to add to his stress or pressure him, but I can't help but to feel like us meeting (after he expressed how important this is to him) is such a low priority and it may not be one for a long time. Where do I compromise and draw the line for meeting my own needs?

 

I suppose this is mostly a vent. If anyone has any advice or insight, I welcome it. Thanks for reading.

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Or he could be married and lying about it... you have to be very careful with these nebulous online relationships where you never meet the person in real life. He could be lying about all kinds of things and you wouldn't know it. If he mentioned a child, there could very well be a relationship still going on with his wife/baby mama that he hasn't disclosed to you.

 

So it is time for him to either come thru and prove to you that he is single and available and willing to do what it takes to meet you and spend time with you, or you need to let this go. Tell him to call you when his life is straightened out and *if* you are still single at the time he actually does come thru to meet you, you might think about it, but it's been long enough playing the fantasy game and you need him in your real life or he can forget it.

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Tell him to call you when his life is straightened out and *if* you are still single at the time he actually does come thru to meet you, you might think about it, but it's been long enough playing the fantasy game and you need him in your real life or he can forget it.

 

This..but I doubt he'll ever call. He's definitely hiding something.

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If you said you're willing to pay for it and he still said no, then I think that's your answer. Even if he isn't in another relationship, he still could be hiding something about how he lives, whether it's what his apartment looks like, whatever. Tell him your planning to move on unless there's a meeting within reasonable time.

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Agree with the above and I will add that a man who doesn't make seeing his own child over the holidays has issues that extend beyond job, school, "busy", work and anything else. If he's not that attached to his own kid, he will not become that attached to an online woman he's made no effort to meet, and probably not any other woman for that matter. I would put money behind that.

This isn't going to go where you want it to go and you'd be VERY wise to re-evaluate if it meets your needs and drop him if it doesn't.

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I met a guy online who chatted with me all the time too. He was in another state, and he flew to my State to meet me, I flew to see him, all was great til I found him and his wife on Facebook

Supposedly he was sleeping in a separate bedroom, and was applying for jobs in my state, and as soon as he secured a job he was just going to pack up & leave her. He would then divorce her & I would be none the wiser.

I dumped him instantly.

Be very careful, this guy is defiantly hiding something.

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Ugh....I kow this is painful for you, considering that you've said the 'L' word, but like the others have said....if he shot down your offer to visit him, then I would be highly suspicious as to why. Honestly, I wouldn't even continue talking to him at this point. I would begin pulling way back emotionally and stop being available to him for his 'chats' etc....he's using you to fill some void and it's not fair to you.

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I think that you are wise to start having second thoughts.

 

Thing is, he had stressors going on in his life before you came on the scene, so with that being the case, why is he pursuing a relationship with you when he already knew he didn't have the time for it to begin with? Especially when you live far away?

 

I wouldn't wait any longer. Either he agrees to you flying out to meet him or you end it. Don't leave that up to him. It's time for him to poop or get off the pot.

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can't think about meeting when all of this in his personal life is going on

 

If he loves you and you are a bright spot in his life, he'd want you there no matter what. Period.

 

He made it a point he's tired of talking about this repeatedly

 

Sounds kind of defensive and "My way or the highway" to me.

 

I'm beginning to have the thought that I don't want to keep investing emotions into something that doesn't end up going beyond a virtual level.

 

This sounds completely reasonable to me.

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I agree with everyone else, when you offered to come and see him and he said no it sent up a red flag. I think he's in over his head, either because he's hiding something or life is throwing so much at him that he really doesn't have time for an in-person relationship. I would personally move on and tell him to contact you when he's resolved some major issues, which he should be focusing on rather than trying to keep you tied up electronically anyways. LDRs are rough even when you do know each other and have been together first in an official relationship, but the number of problems getting this one off the ground just seem nearly impossible. And his refusal to let you come see him is the icing on the cake of something not being right about the whole thing after all.

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Early last month I suggested we need to at least meet, and even offered to pay to fly out to see him even if just for overnight...even just a day, and we could have a longer visit later. He pretty much said no, not yet. This upset me because I had been operating under the impression we hadn't seen each other yet simply because we could not. And here I was offering a way to finally meet. It stung to essentially be shot down.

 

Something is indeed rotten in the state of denmark.

 

Sounds like maybe he was fine with the romance and excitement of the virtual relationship, but something in his life (girlfriend? family? other misrepresentation? looks/age? location? Job? You name it?) is making him unwilling to make the leap to IRL. It could be something stupid, or something big - but whatever it is, it's got you and him on different levels of making this a "real" relationship a priority.

 

And if he's having issues affording or being able to juggle his child visitation in there - if he's any kind of dad, his priority will be visiting his child over visiting you - so if finances are THAT tight, look at it as a long term issue. Either way, you're ready for a real relationship where you can enjoy more than audiovisual companionship - and he, is not.

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Hi, everyone. First, I want to say in response to some of the posts that I trust he is not misrepresenting himself, married or still involved with his child's mother, or other deceptions. I completely get why you all raise such questions. But I believe him and I am choosing to trust him about that.

 

Well, I spoke with him again about it several days ago and we ended up arguing. He said he is absolutely stressed, he felt like I was asking him to forget his issues and that seeing me would be an inconvenience until all this is figured out because of what he's been swamped with, on top of his exhaustion. He also said that he is simply not free, doesn't have the money or mental energy to enjoy spending time with me like he should. That he can't take a "mental vacation" to enjoy spending time with me. But that him needing to focus on these things doesn't mean he doesn't care about me and that it doesn't mean seeing me isn't important to him. He said other things as well, but that's some of it, and that he will see me. He did mention that if he couldn't have seen his child then he couldn't have seen me (which is a good thing of course, children are so important).

 

I spent the last several days reflecting and going through the motions of this issue, working through my feelings on it. I've come to the conclusion I've had so much emotional trouble with it based on the meanings I've been assigning to his actions, rather than taking his actions for what they are based on himself, sound judgement and the bigger picture. I could say this has actually been the pattern for a few other things I've been insecure about as well.

 

I have told him I will not be bringing up meeting again and if/when we meet, it will all be on him to set it in motion. He accepted this.

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