Texts from another female in his phone! Please be nice but help me! :(

[MizRedS]

I'm new here and don't know much about this forum but what I do know is- some times you just need some others opinions. Now....this JUST happened this morning. I am 26, my boyfriend is 29. We met online, have know one another for a little while, but have had a commitment to one another, (in a relationship) for almost 6 months. We usually see one another on the weekends because he lives about an hour away, and he works week days. When he isn't here, he is usually talking with me on the phone or texting me. (Talk more then text). He usually informs me of his whereabouts without my even asking. He had told me about a few friends, as he doesn't keep many close friends. Our relationship is "out" on Facebook and his family knows, etc. So it's like.....all good and fine. Well, this weekend was his first weekend spending the entire weekend with myself and my two children. It went great! This morning, while he was getting washed and changed, as I was cooking, he let my older child play a game on his phone. Well the game get frozen, and my child asked me to fix it. So being that we never had an "phone issues" with touching one another's phone, I took his phone and attempted to fix it. When I clicked the screen down and back up, I accidentally clicked on a new text from his mother. When I hit the back button, it went to his text inbox, and here I saw text from.....mom, family member, me, random girl, male friend, male friend, and girl friend. So.....I clicked on "random girl" to see who it was. I didn't take notice of the dates of these texts, although the most recent was about a dog that I guess she had for adoption or something, and I scrolled back a little to find a pic of her from waste up, clothed, a in-the-mirror selfie, and his text back was "you look good". My body started shaking, and he came walking out. So I quickly clicked the home button and tried opening the game again. He asked what was wrong, I told him about the game, he took his phone to try to fix it. Now....I was a bit flustered for a bit as I finished cooking for him. It weighed on my mind a bit for the following 2 hours before he had to leave to head home. But.....it wasnt on my mind TOO much by the time he was leaving. I didn't say anything, and I don't know if I should. I know I shouldn't have been looking in his texts, I should've closed it and ignored it. But really......it's rare someone can actually do that. He doesn't hide his phone from me, and he doesn't lock it. I lock mine because of my children, but he knows the password. I've never had a problem with him looking thru my phone, and I have allowed him to do so. Tho I have never attempted to do the same with his phone. And he has never said not to. But on the flip side, if he claims to be faithful, not interested in any other woman, we are in love, we are committed, etc......why would another women be sending him photos that aren't really necessary, and why would he be saying she looks good. Do I have a right to about it? Or question him? Or be mad? What to do?!?!?!?!? I don't want it to weigh on my mind until it eats at me and I break down, but I also don't want to make a fuss if it if I don't have the right to. I don't know what to do.

[agatha]

I have male friends, some of them gay, and sometimes we chit chat over whatsapp and I ask them to review my looks - right before a meeting, job interview, date or whatever. if my bf saw what we write to each other without knowing who they are, I guess he'd get the wrong message.

 

so, I'd ask him casually and see what he answers. if there's really nothing to it, he'll explain it to you calmly, and maybe even introduce you to her. and if he trips over himself, well... better sooner than later.

[bulletproof]

Could be a cousin, a friend, whatever, and she could have just been getting his opinion for any reason. Maybe she lost a lot of weight, or maybe she was going out with a guy and wanted a male opinion on what she was wearing. I think you have to decide whether he is going to be angry that you snooped, and if so, it might not be worth saying anything. Plus you said you didn't look at the dates- might just be something that's been sitting there for a while.

[Snny]

The comment is very harmless. I wouldn't sweat it.

 

My concern: you were asked to fix someone's phone. So you somehow got into the text menu and saw his moms text. Ok, no big deal there. However you didn't back out of it after reading his mothers text and went through his other messages? Not just ONE person, but multiple people. That's snooping.

 

Don't bring it up. Its not enough to suspect cheating.

[savignon]

I have a simple rule after having been in 2 relationships with cheaters. If you ask and he gets mildly irritated but tells you who she is and what it was about, then good. If he's sooo angry that he can't answer any questions and just wants to focus on what you did, gives you the silent treatment, etc then that's bad.

Where I am in my life I'd have to ask and see his reaction. Honestly I wouldn't blink if someone I was dating went through my phone. I have nothing to hide.

[shelty24]

Some people get really wound up here about "snooping" as if its just as bad as cheating or something and it isn't. Personally I think if you have a reason to snoop-snoop away.. lol but brace yourself for some nasty comments but ignore them.

 

I'd rather know the truth if I had a reason to suspect something then sit there in the dark with my eyes closed..

 

Anyway I see a red flag in the fact you only see each other at the weekend and also that this man is around your kids even though the relationship is not that serious. If I was a single mum of two kids, I would be very wary of attracting men who only want sex from me.. And the fact you only see him at the weekend just doesn't sit well with me

[MizRedS]

Thanks Agatha I appreciate your comment. I did think of that, as I don't ALWAYS think the worse, lol. I have male friends who I send photos to as well but usually just me making a silly face or something. Rarely pictures of myself. It just put worry in my head

[MizRedS]

@bulletproof- Thanks for your comment. I know she isn't family, but friend I suppose

 

@snny- I KNOW I was wrong for looking and snooping. It wasn't my intentions. Though I know I shouldn't have continued looking. See, when I took the phone to fix the game, the screen had gone dark. So I slide down the drop down menu from the top to light it up. When I slide it back up, I clicked his mother's text. (Apparently his phone is very touchy). I did not read his mother's texts, or any one else's. Once it opened, I clicked the back button, which took it to the Inbox. That is where I saw the list of his threads with each person's name. Just at quick glance, I was familiar with each person I saw. But the one that concerned me was "random girls" name. THATS where I went wrong- I clicked on it. I saw the last message, and slide the screen one time. It scrolled up and I saw the picture. That's where I stopped. In so many ways, I don't think he has any thing to hide bc he did give his unlocked phone to a 9year old while he was busy with some thing else. Lol. So maybe your right. I hope it's nothing.

 

@savignon- I too was with a cheater, for 8 years too long. And he was a sneaky phone person. Phone full of texts with multiple women, pictures and videos. Women from online, Facebook, public, you name it. & I am the same way, I couldnt care less if he goes thru my phone. That's why he knows my password and I am free with my phone with him. Thanks again

 

@shelty24- Thanks, I would rather know then be left in the dark as well! & I think it was like half-snooping. Because technically he never told me I couldn't look or go in his phone. And he did give it to MY KID so..... But I know I shouldn't have continued looking. It wasn't right. And I don't have like a full-100%-reason to snoop. Maybe like a 5% reason. I just pray it's nothing. Now as for my kids and the weekends- I've been thru picking up men who only want sex. But I thank God, I know he isn't just around for that. Those who only wanted sex, also didn't want commitment......typical. Also, he is actually moving to my area soon bc we want to be closer. Ya see, we met online. And I CHOSE to become involved with someone who isnt local. So I knew there would be some distance. But I didn't CHOOSE to fall in love with some one who just lost his clunker car. He lives an hour and 10 minutes away, driving wise, and he works during the days. With my schedule, and his, there wouldn't leave enough time in the day for him to travel to visit me. So we spend every Friday to Sunday evening together. Until of course, he moves. Thanks for your concern and your comment

[meoww]

I think you should keep investigating, and definitely don't give him any indication that something is wrong by being moody or easily angered. Don't accuse him or give him any reason to hide things from you until you know for sure and can prove it. Don't brush it off because he cares about you, almost all people who cheat still care about their partners. It might turn out to be a misnomer but it might not. Try not to worry, but play it smart for the sake of your children and you.

[Mesemene]

Honestly, unless he cues you with behavior changes - I wouldn't worry.

 

It wasn't sexual, overly enthusiastic, flirty - it was a comment that could be made to a cousin, a friend, a friend's sister, you name it. I don't know how many guy friends I've given thumbs ups to heading out to a date - girl friends as well, or to job interviews or other important events. And I really don't think twice about it, or if it could be taken any other way.

 

Since you looked, I would fess up and ask. Two wrongs - snooping through, and then basically lying by omission - because you'll be watching him for signs it was more - don't make a right. So keep it short and simple, "Hey, I went to unlock the phone and ended up in your texts when a new one came in while I was fixing it. I wasn't intending to intrude, but I saw this girl's pic and wanted to ask you about it instead of wondering."

 

If he gets super defensive, you might have an issue. But if she's a friend or acquaintance, while he might/probably will be a bit offended, it shouldn't be world ending.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree with Savignon. Just tell him what you did, come clean so you aren't now freaking out and having this weight between you when it may well be nothing. And then as Sav says if he gets mildly irritated or has a good explanation you know the truth. If he freaks or acts weird about it then you have a potential problem. My SO is an artist who gets commissioned to do work, so yeah he does have texts from women like that because he does portraits for clients sometimes. I saw one once, asked him about it and he told me it was a client then showed me all the texts just to show he wasn't cheating. His reaction was mild amusement after which he teased me about what was on my phone and we spent a few minutes looking through each other's phones laughing at pics together.

 

Best thing to do is speak up, communication is what it's all about in a good relationship.

[bulletproof]

I don't know if I agree that a mild reaction to snooping means he's not cheating, and an angry reaction does. A boyfriend went into my email once and read it, and I hadn't been cheating at all. I was livid. And in my mind, it felt particularly violating because I hadn't been doing anything wrong, at all.

 

His reaction is probably going to have more to do with how important he feels a violation of privacy is.