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Feeling like you just don't belong anywhere


Mb1212

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Im not sure this is the right section to post this thread but seemed the most fitting. Anyways I'm 21 years old and within the last year I just can't shake the feeling that I just don't belong anywhere. Throughout high school I was fairly popular, I was a cheerleader had a lot of friends had serious relationships etc... After high school I started dating someone I know now I never should have gotten involved with. It was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, I felt more of a mother to him than a lover because I was always babysitting him in his drunken or drug induced behaviors. He talked with other woman, was always partying he just treated me awful and I let him, on top of that I helped him through everything. I helped him financially, I was the one with a car always picking him up from random places in the middle of the night etc. I gave up my friends, my whole social life because he needed me to prove how much he meant to me etc. We ended up breaking up September 2012 and immediately after I moved to a different state where my family had moved two years before (I stayed in my hometown because of my ex)

 

Throughout the last year we've still been talking and I guess I haven't fully moved on or let go. Our relationship/friendship is much healthier now but in no way are we ever getting back together but at this point we do not hate one another. There has been a lot of apologies from his side, regardless of the awful relationship I know I loved him and probably will always carry a bit of that with me.

 

So I live in this new area, going to school, I have two jobs. I've made a few friends, one really close friend but she's a bit younger than me. I don't love it here, I don't even know if I really like it to be honest but my families here and it's financially the best option for me to be living at home and I'm very close with my whole family so it just makes sense to be here I guess. I've visited my hometown twice and I love it there but I can't tell if I love it there so much because it's comfortable or if I think I miss it because I miss having a boyfriend there and being in a relationship. I haven't done much dating down here because I don't really think I'm emotionally ready to be burned or to start something serious. I don't really know how to be happy single. I have confidence but not enough and that's something I'm working on. I just feel like it's not right me being here, but I don't think it would feel right me being in my hometown either. I

school is taking me longer than I expected or would have liked, I got really off track when I was with my ex. I just want to be done with school so I can move on with my life and figure out what I'm passionate about and where I want to be. I feel like I'm just going through life's movements but not really living. I miss my close friends back home and being able to call someone up and have plans for the night. I spend all my time here working or just being at home studying etc. I understand school is what's most important right now it just is hard feeling like I haven't been truly happy in years. I feel like I'm dependent on relationships or men to make me happy and I absolutely hate that about myself. This post is more just a rant because I'm not sure anyone has advice for this situation. I know I'm at a weird age the transition between highschool and the real world but i feel constantly disappointed or just plain lost.

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I know exactly how you feel, honey. I think the thing is, you have to kind of make your own home..truly, it's not good to be dependent on men. Much better to be independent. Work on yourself..work on your ability to make money, cuz..money is freedom and power. Women need to empower THEMSELVES, not rely on men to do it for them. Cuz..believe me. There are too many messed up guys, who will take advantage of you. I'm twice your age, and I'm still trying to figure this stuff out. My mom is dead, and my dad is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. My exhusband divorced me after 10 years..I've had a series of unhappy relationships since then. I feel like I do not have a home or a place I belong.

 

Unfortunately, i've compromised my values trying to make a home with guys I shouldn't have tried this with, who were bad for me. (Abusive, just like your ex)

 

I think I'm finally ready to just focus on ME. If you don't look out for yourself, who will? Sometimes it's totally lonely when you realize that, ultimately, you're the only one you can count on. It can be empowering, too, tho. Believe in yourself!

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