Opinions anyone? I don't understand the male mind.

[anxiousheart]

Me and my ex have been separated for 3 weeks now, he left me after a year and a month. He told me he loved me before we started going out, and initiated anything sexual after 2 weeks. My anxiety and depression had been slowly getting worse, causing little 'tiffs' between us. It was nothing major, or so i thought. He was never the most romantic type, unless we were together, alone and in private. Even then it was dependent on his mood. I'd made him the focus of my life, my world had revolved around him. I always had this niggling suspicion I was putting more into it than him, but he'd convince me otherwise with him saying how much he loved me etc. I helped him with every aspect of his school work, reminding him to do homework, helping him apply to be head boy (he got it of course, i settled with deputy head girl). I never stopped thinking about him. He was my first everything, love, kiss, he took my virginity (yes, i'm aware it was naive of me, but i was stupid and in love). At school it was like i didnt exist, he'd just stand next to me. I felt like i'd have to remind him we were in a relationship. I'd go to kiss him on the cheek and he'd turn away, embarrassing me. Around people not at school, he'd be okay, mood dependent. At a party he'd had his arm round me the whole time in front of out of school friends. When it was just me and him it was perfect, i couldn't have asked for anything better.

 

On the day we broke up it was a normal day. In the morning he called me beautiful and kissed me and said he loved me. In the afternoon, I started to ask him about what time I had to be ready for a family event of his, my anxiety goes through the roof with uncertainty so i admit, i did keep asking. I'd asked him nicely to find out the whole previous week, but he never really asked stuff like that to his parents.I'd told him it was making me anxious not knowing. He then proceeded to tell me to 'shut up about it', which i didn't take too well. I don't see why he should tell me to shut up in the way he did, i didn't have a go or anything but he could just tell something was up i guess. After I told him i wasn't too pleased, he chose to take action into his own hands and dump me, saying he wasn't capable of handling my anxiety and depression.

 

That wasn't the end of it. He cried and I cried, but he wouldn't budge. It all happened so quickly. He could see how devastated I was, and he kissed me goodbye and said he loved me as i left. This is where the confusion starts. The next day, he told me he didn't love me anymore. He told me to leave him alone and he didn't want to speak to me ever again. At school, he sat with my friends, leaving me totally isolated then complained that i came near him during the day (how does that make sense?!). A month previously my friends had fallen out with me majorly because they didn't like him too much, I stood by him because I loved him I guess. Like I said, it makes no sense. He has continued to be rude and disrespectful to me, after I was so kind to him. He speaks to me like rubbish, and got majorly offended when i said 'i dont know how it can all have meant nothing to you', replying with 'you have no idea'. That totally confused me.

 

I dont know wether it's a guy thing, that he's just shut himself off? or hiding how he really feels? I have no idea. I think I just need someone else's opinion on it. I know i can't get the full story on here, and you can't get both sides, I guess i just need to hear someones interpretation of it. I'd really appreciate other peoples ideas. Thank you lots and lots for reading x

[byanilla]

It's not a guy thing. I've seen girls do it to guys.

 

This is how I see what your relationship was. Your boyfriend only used you for convenience because he was bored or tried to find meaning through loving you. You said he was nice and caring to you depending on his mood, which is a huge indication that he would figuratively take you off the shelf, coddle you, then put you back on the shelf when he wasn't in the mood to show affection anymore.

 

Also, throughout the relationship, you demonstrated a lot of codependency for his approval. You were depressed unless he showed you how much he had cared. Only when he showed you his happiness, you were happy. But, you can't place your happiness in someone else's hand. You have to stop trying to please your boyfriends just for him. Do it for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't do favors and nice things for him--no, I highly encourage that. Just make sure that you're doing it out of the bottom of your heart and not just for his approval.

You should definitely move on. You deserve a guy who loves you for you.

[anxiousheart]

Thank you, i guess you're right. I did often feel i put more in to it, but he managed to win me over with kisses and sweet words. Ergh. I feel stupid now really. I should've noticed the warning signs quicker, i think i just always see the best in people. I loved him how i wanted to be loved but i dont think he picked up on it, he always said we'd just 'settled', and it wouldn't be the same. The 'honeymoon' phase or whatever they call it.

[byanilla]

I completely understand where you're coming from, and it's totally understandable as to regret your past actions. Many have been there once--young and naïve. The best thing to do now is to completely move on. If he comes back to you, reject him because you do not need to be thrown onto his shelf again.

[anxiousheart]

I agree, ever heard the saying 'when she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid' (its a nursery rhyme). well that reminds me of him, the good times were great but the bad were awful. thanks for making me realize i wasn't totally horrible about it

[byanilla]

Haha, I have never heard of that before. Just looked it up; it's cute And, no, you definitely weren't horrible about it. Good luck! You sound like a sweet girl, so I wish you the best in moving on. Take some time to yourself.

[Mari]

It's not a guy thing, it's just issues he has.

 

1) Some people are shy and don't show affection in public. To them, that bothers them. And when their significant other does it, they may feel that they are being embarrassed instead of loved. But I think you were doing the right thing. Open affection is usually well appreciated. He should've apologized to you for moving his cheek away and made it up to you. But it seems he didn't communicate this.

 

2) He can't already be in love before going out with you unless he got to know you through other means. That just means he put you on a pedestal and the when he realizes you're not acting the way he thought you would, off you come from the pedestal.

 

3) He is more of a shoot from the hip kind of guy whereas you've got your stuff together. As you help him, you think you're being nice, and he thinks you're being authoritative. That seems to be the trigger of the break up, he just can't handle being asked to plan things out over and over.

 

The confusion part is very annoying. He loves you so what he wants is for you to be with him and since you broke up he also wants you to leave him alone. This is a lose-lose situation. If you contact him, his first thought is, "why is reminding me of something that hurts me. Why won't she leave me alone and let me heal". If you say "I don't know how it can all have meant nothing to you". His thought is "oh how dare you think that it meant nothing to me. I'm in pain because of it and now I'm angry you said that."

 

If he was a more positive person and had better tools he could be less in pain and concentrate more on your needs. He would then be worried about how you're taking it. Instead, you happen to be that positive person. So you're actually talking to him and making sure he's ok. I would say you're good relationship material and have less reason to worry and be depressed. You are more likely to be successful in a relationship with another positive guy than he is with someone else.