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some advice: do not stay with someone when you realize you're incompatible.


spandora

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I realized ages ago, my ex and i do not share the same basic core values. I am into cleanliness. He is lazy and his house was a filth pit before I moved in. Trying to get him to help me with cleaning felt like nagging a teenager.

 

My ex smokes pot every day. I do not. I thought I could be okay with it, but seeing how much he spends on pot when he is always having money problems, started to bug me. I also feel like the pot contributes to his laziness, and that it could be making some underlying depression he seems to have, worse.

 

My ex smoked cigarettes. I always said I would never date a smoker (my mom died of lung cancer). He has been trying to quit the whole time we're together. Whenever he gets low on nicotine gum, he turns into a raging psycho. So, he can't get off the gum.

 

He doesn't take care of himself. I like to go to the gym. I joined a Y with a family plan--he has gone 1 or 2 times in 6 months..that's it. I find myself ending up NOT going to the gym, to spend time with him..I hate that his dislike of working out is rubbing off on me.

 

He drives recklessly. I've had to yell at him while driivng my car about blazing through red lights, or texting while driivng. I would NEVER take half the risks he takes.

 

He ate mostly fast food when I met him. I worried about his health. He had an incident where his blood pressure was so high, he was almost hospitalized. This caused me a lot of stress. It wasn't me worrying about his health, tho, that got him to cut down on the fast food...it was his blood pressure. I don't think he cared that I worried about him. And he still drinks way too much soda, Rockstar drinks, and turns to fast food when he's lazy.

 

I am financially responsible, or at least, I try my best to be. I know I have made mistakes. My ex has such bad credit, he can't get a credit card. His finances are a mess. I at least own a condo back in California that I rent out, and have some savings. This is something that has bugged me because longterm, I'd rather be with someone who's not always having money problems because they can't manage it.

 

I've often felt like I've had to pull the weight of 2 people..I'm the one who always checks to make sure the doors are locked properly..that the cats have enough food and fresh water..anything safety or security related, it's all on me. We had a broken window and I had to nag and nag him about fixing it. I would've done it myself but..after a while you get tired of doing everything around the house. And resentful.

 

For a long time, I couldn't even get him to help me put the groceries away. Anything like that, that bothered me, I've had to ask for 5-6 times before he finally would change it.

 

He is pretty lackadaisacal about WAY too much. Our latest fight, which has been even after we broke up, was about a neighbor who's his friend bringing a pit bull into our house against the landlord's rules. We have 3 cats, 1 of which is always getting out into the hallway whenever anyone opens the door. My ex isn't worried about the cat potentially being attacked, even though he works for an animal hospital and has told me he doesn't like pit bulls because he's seen the aftermath of their attacks on other animals.

 

He will accept people as friends who are total losers. I mean, out and out, get you in trouble kind of losers.

 

I am a big believer in thinking about my partner, no matter what I do. Sometimes I feel like my ex couldn't care less about my issues or concerns. I've been made to feel totally low priority, even though I feel like I have tried to take into account how my actions would affect him, no matter what I do.

 

My ex is also a bit of a paranoid conspiracy theorist. Although I know people who saw planes hit the Pentagon on 9-11, he insists there was no plane. He can be very impossible to reason with. I don't understand his thought processes, a good 60% of the time.

 

What happens when you try to stay with someone you're incompatible with, is that you both start to feel like you're speaking different languages to each other. Frustration grows because you can't get the person to listen to, or in any way accommodate what you need and want.

 

You start to feel like a crazy person yourself, and that you're living with a crazy person.

 

You argue constantly.

 

The stress begins to wear you down.

 

You start to yearn for someone who understands you. Who "gets" you.

 

Meanwhile, you have developed a shared history, or you've invested so much of yourself, or you've fallen for their pets, or kids..which makes it very hard to pull away, even though you know this person is never gonna change YOU, nor are you gonna be able to change the other person. I started to feel like a nagging mother with a rebellious kid.

 

I'm sitting here with bronchitis, facing HAVING TO MOVE OUT OF OUR PLACE in freakin' freezing cold temperatures and snow, feeling miserable, depressed, and lonely. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing by getting out.

 

It is a soulkilling experience. Don't do it.

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Because we still live together. I'm moving out this week..did you not see that in my post?

 

 

I'm confused. He's your EX. Why are you even talking to him still when you don't even like him as the person he is?

 

You leave people you don't like and you don't look back.

 

No kidding.

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Here is yet another example of why incompatability can bite you in the face eventually.

 

My ex had a female friend, whom he connected with our landlord, so that she could move into the apartment downstairs.

 

We hung out with her a few times, but there were things about her that bothered me..such as, she did cocaine. She smoked. I hated going to her apartment, because she smoked IN the apartment. She talked about getting into physical fist fights with other girls. She just seemed, overall irresponsible, and not the type of person I could socialize with on a regular basis. Not someone *I* would've chosen as a good friend..

 

Still, I didn't have many female friends in this town, so I tried to hang out with her a few times. She totally screwed me over..flaked on me, or showed up ridiculously late. Then when I tried to get back some things she had borrowed from me, she lied and said she didn't have this one DVD. I kept texitng her, yes, you have it. "No, I gave it back to you." Then she texted my boyfriend and told him, I was sending her too many harrassing text messages, so he told me to stop. I never liked her after that.

 

Well, the last fight that you could say was the nail in the coffin on me and my ex's relationship, was this girl. He insisted on staying friends with her. Hung out with her, behind my back, while I was out of town. I didn't find out about it until New Year's Eve, when he was raging drunk--he got so drunk, he puked.

 

I see this girl as a loser, and can't figure out why he still wants to be friends with her (btw she did some not so nice things to him, too). He fights me on it.

 

Not fun.

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