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Thoughts after 1 month NC. Need some insight.


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Quick summary of my situation :

-was 17 she was 19, immature first love that lasted for slightly more than a year.

-had bad fights, i cheated to spite her for something she did.

-broke up on my birthday after another argument, i forgot what it was about.

-felt very sad and resolved to change to "keep" her, remain fwb for about a year.

-it was on and off and she would get hotter or colder depending on whether she was seeing someone else or not

-got very paranoid and possessive and depressed, finally cut it off when she got an official bf

-1 month NC

 

I am very thankful for this one month period of NC, it has been beneficial. Not in the way many would hope for (ex "realizes" she misses me and comes back), but because for once in my life i faced up to my inner demons and did some serious soul-searching. As sad as it is, i realized during the course of our relationship, i fulfilled almost all of the 20 criteria in this article link removed That is not to say she was perfect all the time but i realized i was the one that ultimately ruined the relationship. I was insecure and resentful. As silly as it sounds i was resentful that as our relationship progressed she became more popular and more beautiful and so many guys were hitting on her. I felt like i was never in control and that i was never appreciated. I wanted to take and take when i should have been giving. I was not loving her, i was trying to possess her. This of course drove her further and further away. Even when i resolved to change, i guess it was already too late. I was changing for her and not for myself, so when i ultimately lost her again, i felt empty, like everything i did and my self-worth had been stripped and taken away. I was left confused with all the mixed signals she was giving me since we were still having sex and our relationship was actually improving, although i was ultimately just deluding myself because she has already stated we were only fwb and nothing more and that she doesn't want to risk being hurt again. I lost my identity, my whole life was trying to keep her and now it was gone.

 

After coming to ENA and researching a lot about the subject, i decided to finally go full NC. It was the most painful phone call i ever had to make, telling her she should not call me anymore. She was still asking me to be friends and that she did not want me to go from her life. But at this point i realized she was never coming back and that she deserved someone so much better than me, i went for NC not just for me, but for the both of us. I don't know how this new guy is but if he can treat her better than i can then good for them. Now i'm left everyday mourning the loss of my first love and one of the most beautiful girls i've known.

 

Its taken me a lot to reach this point so now i need help. I think i'm sinking into depression and i don't want that. I have to see her everyday in school for the next 3 months and it hurts. I'm hoping someone can tell me or link me to any articles of how to step out of this victim mentality. This constant need for external validation. Can people really change? I've heard things like once a loser always a loser, or once a cheater always a cheater etc. Do people change? I don't want to be like this anymore.

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Sadly, times change, people change, so sometimes things just don't work & come to an end.

The hard part is 'accepting & letting go'.

 

With this experience... i feel you need to do this, for YOU. Not for her...

 

Now, with what you're aware of (your isssues), as mentioned, you can look into some help for it.

No one is perfect, we all have issues. If you're feeling so sad & depressed, you should go talk to your dr. See about something to help you out with this for a while. Loss is never easy, we understand.

 

I am months in now (9) and i still hurt- it was a LTR of 5 yrs. Very hard to work on accepting. It can take it's toll on you.

 

all you can do is do your best to deal with it & work at moving on in life. Do not feel you need to rush into something else any time soon. Best to now spend the time to work on you.

 

One day at a time.. tc

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