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Issues with intimacy


thenewguy101

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So usually I'm pretty good and being logical and using my own inbuilt compass as to how to handle issues (relationship or not). However I've been dating this woman for close to six months now (been friends a year before hand) and there seems to a bit of a problem I'm trying to work through. Talking to her about it is the obvious choice, but HOW to and what to do if it doesn't solve it is the problem really.

 

Anyway we're a little older than 21, so no school kid business here. This is my third relationship, her second, but the issue as it stands really is our experience on both a sexual and intimate level. her experience is both is minimal (she hasn't had sex but everything up to it) where I've had several partners and have gone all the way.

 

But this isn't purely sexual related, I do like this woman a lot and am very patient. She assures me sex isn't something that she is waiting for marriage to give or anything, just the right person. That's cool, I can dig that, she has been open and honest about this from the beginning so that's not a problem. What IS a problem is the fact that NO physical intimacy has really eventuated at all.

 

Besides light kissing and hugging (naturally this happens more so when we're drunk) there isn't really any physical contact. I've tried to initiate some in the past (push the boundaries so to speak but always being respectful) and she is quick to tell me when I am at the line she is comfortable with, so I doubt this is an issue of just 'the man needs to take charge.' She just seems to have no desire to interact physically, where I do need it in a relationship (worse yet I have to initiate the hand holding, the light touching, the cuddle etc..). I can handle we're not having sex but we're not even building up to it on any way. Besides my birthday where she let me feel around (only really touching non sexual areas) and showing naked once (but zero contact during the shower) there has been no physical movement whatsoever besides pecks and hugs/hand holding.

 

The problem is she doesn't even seem to care or want it, so how do I bring this up without coming accross as merely wanting sexual acts when it goes deeper than that? I just want to progress physically like most couples do.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

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Besides light kissing and hugging (naturally this happens more so when we're drunk) there isn't really any physical contact. I've tried to initiate some in the past (push the boundaries so to speak but always being respectful) and she is quick to tell me when I am at the line she is comfortable with

 

What kind of contact did you initiate?

 

She just seems to have no desire to interact physically, where I do need it in a relationship (worse yet I have to initiate the hand holding, the light touching, the cuddle etc..). I can handle we're not having sex but we're not even building up to it on any way. Besides my birthday where she let me feel around (only really touching non sexual areas) and showing naked once (but zero contact during the shower) there has been no physical movement whatsoever besides pecks and hugs/hand holding.

 

That sounds pretty dreadful.. You two might as well be platonic friends.

 

I think you should try reaching for her hand. If/when she pulls away, ask her point blank why. Tell her it's confusing you when she pulls away from physical contact.

 

Ultimately realize that while you may be good companions, she may not be the one for you if you want a girlfriend you can make out with and consummate the relationship with.

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6 months? Yah, i'd think you'd gone all the way by now.

 

If this doesn't suit you, why don't you inform her and if she just doesn't want to 'give' think again on if your willing to keep waiting?

 

I'm in the process of doing that now. Usually it just results in her saying to be patient a while longer and she is trying her best, but I'm not sure if that's her way of saying that to brush it off or if it is genuine and she is struggling with the idea.

 

How do you see physical intimacy in a relationship, and how does she see physical intimacy in a relationship? Is there a conflict between your views and hers?

 

Well given she says she has a past and all (also she has said she has no outright issue with being close, but her actions seem to beg to differ) I thought while it may take a while for us to end up at the end result, both our views and endeavors were very much the same.

 

What kind of contact did you initiate?

 

That sounds pretty dreadful.. You two might as well be platonic friends.

 

I think you should try reaching for her hand. If/when she pulls away, ask her point blank why. Tell her it's confusing you when she pulls away from physical contact.

 

Ultimately realize that while you may be good companions, she may not be the one for you if you want a girlfriend you can make out with and consummate the relationship with.

 

 

Just light stuff really, kissing the neck, stomach, legs, massages etc to try and get her comfortable with the idea of me touching her in a more physical manner. Anything more however and she pushes me away so to speak (not literally just tells me that;s as far as she wishes to go)

 

It's not that she outright rejects me holding her hands or kissing it's just... she seems to bear it. The times i don;t initiate such contact it rarely happens at all, which kinda gets me thinking the same thing "It feels like a friendship more than anything else."

 

I know she has problems expressing herself in verbal/emotional ways and physical but... I just expected SOME progress, especially when she told me early on if I gave her the time and patience she would move up to it. So far it's at a standstill.

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It's not that she outright rejects me holding her hands or kissing it's just... she seems to bear it. The times i don;t initiate such contact it rarely happens at all, which kinda gets me thinking the same thing "It feels like a friendship more than anything else."

 

If that's what you're feeling then there must be some truth there.

 

I know she has problems expressing herself in verbal/emotional ways and physical but... I just expected SOME progress, especially when she told me early on if I gave her the time and patience she would move up to it. So far it's at a standstill.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she just isn't that into you. Not in the physical sense. She may enjoy having you as a companion and also the social benefits of having a boyfriend/partner. But there is little passion.. In the beginning most couples can't keep hands off each other. Not make excuses not to physically estimate.

 

The other possibility is that there is something she isn't sharing that is causing a block. Perhaps past trauma that makes it hard for her to establish physical intimacy in new relationships.

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I can only come up with two explanations for her intimacy problems:

1) She's had a past and won't admit to it.

2) It infringes on her values.

3) She only likes you as a friend but doesn't feel physically attracted to you.

 

For some reason, I really think it's because of the former. Human contact is proven to release oxytocin, a chemical well-known to have correlation with happiness. She is probably very scared of physical intimacy because she ties emotional and physical intimacy together. How emotionally close are you with her? You say that her actions don't match her words, demonstrating that she still has her guard up with you.

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One thing that occurs to me is - is she concerned about any further than her "line" being tacit consent to go much further than she's prepared for?

 

If she's had a bad experience with either a really pushy type, or a guy who accused her of being a tease (in worse language), she may not have much faith in a male's self control to go further than light contact without expecting the full on experience.

 

I'd encourage her to talk. Maybe getting her to open up verbally will help you get a better idea of what's really going on - and what the situation really entails.

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She assures me sex isn't something that she is waiting for marriage to give or anything, just the right person.

 

Tell her that you are beginning to think that you are not the 'right person' and you are feeling more and more upset and rejected by this. The ball is then in her court, to step up and make you feel that you ARE the right guy.

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