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I've tried so hard to make it work, why isn't he?


Jasmine3

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Hi Everyone. I'm new to this so I'll give some background on my relationship. I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 21. We met on an online game when we were just kids about 6 years ago in 2008. We became good friends and decided in August 2010 that we both liked each other so in May 2011, he flew over from England to where I lived in Northern Ireland to meet for the first time. We both liked each other very much and that summer I flew over to meet his family. I worked in a cafe at the time but wanted to study again. In Sept 2011, I moved over to live with him and his family and we began studying at the same college. We both finished last summer with good grades with a plan to go to university. Those two years were not easy as I got home sick quite a lot but I loved him and he was worth all of it.

In Sept 2013, we started uni together and he decided on the first day that he didn't like it and didn't want to do it. I had actually planned to go to a different, better uni but we compromised and went to the same one to be together. So he decided to leave uni and I was stuck on what to do because he said he would go anyway to be with me so I felt guilty for him having to go when he wasn't happy so I left as well. This was a tough time and I applied for countless jobs and got one in November at a supermarket. He applied for a part time course at a college but left that in the first day because he had second thoughts about his career choice and he doesn't know what to do. So I continued with the supermarket job until a better job came up and I began working at the town council with a very decent income. During this time, he has not applied for one job, he plays games most of the day. I've thought recently about getting my own flat closer to work and help him look for jobs without putting any pressure of course. There were a couple that he thought looked okay but still didn't apply. He doesn't seem bothered about moving out of his family's house and starting our own life. This is making me very frustrated. He does nothing but play games and doesn't ever want to go out or do anything. I feel like I am beginning to waste my life with someone who doesn't bother with anything or make an effort, it drains me. We have been together for 3 years and 4 months and I do love him very much but what is your opinion on this?

 

Thanks

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My fiance and I are both playing an online game (FF14)... it is beginning to cause friction with our upcoming marriage. We got into a major fight last week about my fiance not prioritizing well because of the MMO games are distracting him from goals he has to follow through (him not looking job after failing a certification test and graduated since august). Him and I agreed to cut our gaming time to weekends and no end game raid crap and he better be showing me he has applied for jobs in a couple weeks or I will back out of the wedding completely.

 

MMOs usually threatens serious relationships. I will admit this as an MMO game player. I have moved a friend back home on a 12 hour drive ONE WAY because her man was too addicted to WoW and was cheating on her with a married woman who was also playing on the game. A buddy on my Linkshell guild had his wife file for divorce for negligence. This stuff is REAL.

 

If he is addicted to video games... chances are this isn't going to go away. I met my fiance on FF11... long time ago and he is regressing back to his gaming addiction habits which could destroy our engagement. Don't think of these signs lightly.

 

He has zero motivation in continuing school OR finding employment. That qualifies him being labled as a deadbeat boyfriend. You cannot have a serious, supporting relationship with a person like this who doesn't have your back, much less can take care for himself. You will get hurt and have a bad time.

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For as long as you and his parents provide food and a roof over his head, he has no reason to do anything. His laziness is wrecking your life - you left uni because of him. Get your head back on straight, go back to uni, the good one, and don't ever let a lazy loser pull you down like that again. Chalk this up to lesson learned.

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He doesn't want to grow up. Stop adapting your life to someone who has no goals or ambition.

Get your own flat and get back to uni.

 

This is good advice.

 

OP, let this be a lesson that you should not dismiss plans for further education based on whether a partner attends school with your or not! It's too important to get an education because it opens up doors. You'll be stuck in low paying jobs with the bulk of your wages going for bill while he mooches off of you.

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His family is supporting his lack of ambition - he has no need for drive or ambition if his parents are willing to support him indefinitely, including his gaming and other luxuries.

 

Unless he needs to stand on his own, I wouldn't expect much improvement. He has everything he feels he needs - why should he work if he doesn't have to - from his point of view? While some people would want to work anyway to earn their own - he's not one of them. He's comfortable with the status quo - and that's unlikely to change.

 

Don't hold yourself back to suit his level of satisfaction - you'll just end up resentful and frustrated.

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Your bf clearly does not want to take on the responsibility of being an adult just yet. If you feel he is holding you back from anything then I say dump him. Maybe, that will light a fire under his butt and he'll start to work hard for something he wants.

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