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He's different when he's not with me


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I started dating a man during the summer of 2013 after I split up with my husband (I'm still going through the divorce process and it should be finalized within the next few months). It's been about 6 months now that we've been together, and there has always been one thing that has gotten on my nerves.


When we are together, I feel very loved. He is very affectionate and even tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. The other night, he asked me how many we should have. I said one. He agreed. haha


So that part is great. It's when we're not together that confuses me. We mainly communicate via text (which is fine with me, we both hate talking on the phone) and I know it's hard to analyze behavior via text. He's still amiable, just not real loving. Sometimes, but generally not. Just kinda like, hey what's up. You know what I mean?


This has pretty much been the case since the beginning and it has always bothered me. Also, when I am with my friends or family and invite him to come along, he almost always declines. He's a homebody, I get that, so am I. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. But then when we're together the next time, I feel better because he gets all affectionate and awesome again and I feel totally secure.


Then I go home and it's different. Like he didn't just tell me he wanted to marry me a few hours ago. It feels like I'm being jerked around sometimes. He gets very hot when I'm with him, then when I leave it's ... not cold, but definitely luke warm. haha


I have brought it up to him and he always tells me I'm overthinking. Am I? On one hand I see his point, I do tend to over-analyze things. And hey, I am still married right now. That could probably make a boyfriend a little uneasy. I just don't get how someone can be so into me when I'm around and like 'whatever' when I'm not.


I totally hate how neurotic I sound, by the way. I just need a different perspective because you know how girlfriends can be -- they tell you what you want to hear so your feelings don't get hurt. They say I don't have anything to worry about, that it's just his personality, but I'm cynical and always assume people are lying to me.


So what do you think, neutral internet people?

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You are still married. It would make me uncomfortable to visit with your family if I were him.

You are adults, not teenagers. Most men do not text loving thoughts.

I think you are totally over thinking this...and that your expectations are a bit unrealistic for someone e who is separated... not divorced.

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Ditto on you have some weird and unrealistic expectations when it comes to texting communications. Also I can see how he would not want to hang out with your family - you are still married and many may look at this as him being the other man. Could also be that he is in general not into spending a lot of time with family, especially someone else's family. It may be all fun for you, but for the SO it's usually a stressful pita.

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I'm thinking you may have some possible 'issues'? First, with you're expected divorce...are there still issues with that?

How about this "I'm cynical and always assume people are lying to me.'. I dont think this is a good thing.


Could that be stemming from your insecurites from your last relationship?


Sure, you've been talking with him about possible future, babies etc. BUT, maybe this should all slow down a bit?

How about you not discuss something so far out of bounds, in reality...


You want to be with him? Work with him? Learn to be together and 'love'. I feel in ways, some things are being too rushed in what you've got, so far.


YOU are still working on a Divorce. YOU only started dating 6 months ago? YOU need to take this all with stride.

AND I suggest, if you still have some 'issues' stemming from your past ( ie. trust), you should be maybe be looking into some help- therapy in dealing with this.. before something like this gets dragged into this new relationship you have started.


Take it easy... get to know him.. spend some nice times together, don't rush it.

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From your first post it sounds like immediately after splitting from your husband you found this man and started dating him. In other words, you went straight from one man to the next without having any time on your own. So you haven't properly processed the ending of your marriage (which technically is still not over) before jumping into something new. Your new guy's talk about marriage, blah blah, is often the sell job men give early on in a relationship in order to keep the woman sweet on him. If the two of you only met 6 months ago then how does he really know you enough to be talking about a serious commitment, particularly since you are still officially committed to another man. It is all safe talk for him right now because you are not available for marriage. So he gives you sweet talk when you are together and then cools down when you are apart. I think your first priority is a divorce and healing yourself as this marriage ends.

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All great replies. I appreciate all of your input. It all makes total sense. It's easy to get caught up in feelings, especially when they're strong, and sort of lose touch with reality. I do have some trust issues from my marriage that I need to get over.


I didn't realize guys use the "marriage and kids" stuff to sweet talk their girlfriends. I always figured they shied away from that stuff because it tends to freak them out and make the girl needy and clingy (heh, wat).


I'll slow it down. It's definitely not a good time to get into a very serious relationship and I forget that because my marriage has felt like it's been done way longer than it has. I might ask him to knock off the marriage and kids talk off too. It's just making things even messier in my head.


Thanks again everyone.

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