Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Just making sure I deserve better.. I would like your opinion on some of the things she did while we were in a relationship. So everything started out really great. From the start, she told me about her having a special friendship with one of her exes (of 4 years ago, let's call this woman G), and her last ex (N) couldn't deal with that. (N) was very jealous and forced her to break contact with (G). However my ex continued to see (G) secretly and this would only feed (N)'s jealousy. It came to the point where (N) locked my ex up in the house to make sure she wouldn't go to (G). (N) was desperate. Her relationship with my ex ended bc she cheated on my ex. Now, back to our relationship. My ex would very much stress the importance of me getting along with her friends, bc they're like family to her. So I did my very best to get along with them and I did. I never ever forbid her to see anyone. I got along great with (G). After the 6 months - honeymoon phase were over though, my ex started to ask me NOT to come along to her friends everytime. I was confused, the same woman who asked me to Always go with her to see her friends and how important it was that I liked them and they liked me, was now asking to let her go by herself. We had a fight about it. I told her she could very well go by herself, I mean there were times when I was sick, busy, or just didn't feel like hanging with her friends and I never once forbid her to go by herself. I was fine with that. But when those friends invite the two of us, and I actually WANT to go, does she have the right to make me stay at home then?? I was very mad at her for this. I did not and do not understand. And she acted like it was very normal and she didn't understand what was all the fuss about. Also, she used to add random (mmostly beautiful) gay women on facebook during the relationship, and I found out about it and said she didn't respect me much for doing so. I just think you don't add total strangers (attractive ones btw) when you are in a relationship... She kept saying she didn't mean anything by it. But for me, it is like creating the opportunity to cheat. I have no problem whatsoever with adding people you met, and actually talked with.. but this I found really weird! Looking forward to hearing your opinion about these two issues.. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Lucha, I don't think the root of the problem is her friendships. In fact, I don't think it has anything to do with her friendships. Seems to me, it's about her withdrawing. Her friends were just a tool in pulling away. The fact is, we withdraw in many ways. Her friends were convenient and a source of comfort for her. And, yes, issue #2 is weird, but let me pose this: sounds like it was a signal of dreaming or fantasizing of something/someone different - a grass is greener type of fantasy when she suspected the two of you weren't a good fit. What do you think? Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Lucha, I don't think the root of the problem is her friendships. In fact, I don't think it has anything to do with her friendships. Seems to me, it's about her withdrawing. Her friends were just a tool in pulling away. The fact is, we withdraw in many ways. Her friends were convenient and a source of comfort for her. And, yes, issue #2 is weird, but let me pose this: sounds like it was a signal of dreaming or fantasizing of something/someone different - a grass is greener type of fantasy when she suspected the two of you weren't a good fit. What do you think? I think you might be right, but when the breakup happened I said something in lines of what you said, 'her withdrawing' and how painful it was for me. Then she would burst into defense, stating she did not withdraw and she tried very hard to make things work. I don't agree with her on that one.. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think you might be right, but when the breakup happened I said something in lines of what you said, 'her withdrawing' and how painful it was for me. Then she would burst into defense, stating she did not withdraw and she tried very hard to make things work. I don't agree with her on that one.. Classic initiator maneuver. Deny everything. Do you believe what you hear or what you see? I think you should always believe what you see. Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Actions speak louder than words. But I guess I still can't believe it.. I meant so much to her and then she gradually went cold on me.. withdrawing.. It hurts so much. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 the thing is the initiator of the breakup always mentally leaves the relationship long before they actually go... they start building an 'escape route' out of the relationship that will allow them support and the ability to walk away from the relationship in a time/way that they feel is convenient for themselves. So they start separating from you emotionally (an often in small physical ways as well) long before they drop the bomb that they're leaving you. So I would get that it was around the 6 months mark that she started to feel discontented in the relationship and was starting to wean you off her friends, so that by the time she left you, she got to 'keep' her friends and you'd have no real connection to them that would mean an easier getaway for her. And going out with her friends alone allowed her time and space away from you, so she was 'experimenting' with how it would feel when she actually did dump you. And she also may have been using that time to try to meet new women, looking around to see what was out there, so she wouldn't have a long dry spell between when she left you and when she replaced you with someone new. So it is not exactly fair, but it is very common and usual for the initiator of a breakup to behave as she did, which is starting to separate herself from you, and you from her friends and life away from the house, long before they actually do the break. So she was on her way out for a long time before she actually left. This process is mostly unconscious and not planned in a malevolent way, just a gradual detachment from you that mimics in reverse the process of attachment to you that happened at the beginning of the relationship. So when she first introduced you to her friends she was trying to attach to you, but then when she started disallowing on these group events, she was detaching from you. So the signs are often there, we just don't see them because our own feelings have not changed, though the partner's have changed drastically and they've thrown it into reverse to back out of the relationship. Link to comment
Iggles Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Wow!! This is profoundly insightful.. I recognize this pattern in my last break up. He got a new group of friends a few months before he initiated the split. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think that you guys may have also ended your "honeymoon phase" at different times, i definitely experienced that with my break up she was over the infatuation phase and was ready to work on each others problems while i was still infatuated with her willing to do anything to help her be happy when in actuality she just wanted to hear what she was doing wrong. Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I think that you guys may have also ended your "honeymoon phase" at different times, i definitely experienced that with my break up she was over the infatuation phase and was ready to work on each others problems while i was still infatuated with her willing to do anything to help her be happy when in actuality she just wanted to hear what she was doing wrong. Then couldn't you just talk about it with eachother? Sounds like an avoidable breakup to me? As for me, I don't know if I am still in the infatuation phase.. I just love her. Even after doing all this to me. Does this mean it is still infatuation? I thought I was past that phase after a couple of months together but I also thought we were meant for eachother which clearly, she didn't. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 While it is avoidable it's almost impossible to see coming because one side is in a way blinded by love. Then the other side can try to bring those things up one but might feel guilty and not want to hurt the other one so they'll say nothings wrong... the loss for feelings is hard to deal with and i would listen to what lavender dove said. Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 While it is avoidable it's almost impossible to see coming because one side is in a way blinded by love. Then the other side can try to bring those things up one but might feel guilty and not want to hurt the other one so they'll say nothings wrong... the loss for feelings is hard to deal with and i would listen to what lavender dove said. Get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. Full of great insights like the above. Link to comment
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