Jump to content

am i being unreasonable?


tunil

Recommended Posts

im 33 years old and i have a few female friends that ive known for 20 years that live in other states. i text a couple of them daily. we have kept in contact like this for many years. they r like my big sisters. i vent to them, i get advice from them. i share most of my secrets with them. they r my rock when my world crumbles. they help me keep my sanity when i need them. but when times r good, we r still really good friends. it seems like its always been this way. now im dating a new girl. weve been steady for 2 months and things r really really good between us. i havent felt a connection like this in a long long time. the chemistry is absolutely phenominal. but she says its weird that i have female friends that i talk to like i do. it bothers the hell out of her. i have to ignore my phone when i am with her. which is fine if we r on a date. its a matter of respect. but when we spend two or three days together i dont like ignoring all my friends for that long. so i want my new girl to feel comfortable with my existing long term friends and i let her read all my conversations so she will trust me and trust them as well. but that doesnt really seem to help. i try to wait for the right moments to text to not cause any conflict but then she says it looks like im trying to hide things cuz i text when shes in the other room. im really trying to find a happy medium. i dont want to push several close friends away cuz im getting close to one special woman. but i also dont want to push away this woman cuz i have female friends. i have told all my friends that i need to focus a lot of my attention on this new girl cuz i really like her and i see potential for a future with her. they r understanding but still dont like being pushed aside. please tell me if im being unreasonable by wanting to keep my friends and keep my girlfriend too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable. It would be a bad idea to lose friends of 20 years to a new relationship. It sounds like you're being open w/ the woman you're with by letting her read the texts so she can understand the type of relationship you have w/ these women. She sounds a bit jealous and insecure. I think it would be appropriate to let her know you aren't going to drop your friends. Maybe let her know you're willing to answer their texts when she's there as long as it remains conflict free (instead of waiting until she leaves the room). Other than that it's her insecurity and she needs to learn how to handle it and trust you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow sorry to hear! if your friends came in to your lives b4 your nu grl, she has to understand that it is not right for her to act that way at all. also there are ppl/cultures out there who think guys and girls cant be friends. She might be suspicious because she was raised a certain way, but you should make it clear to her that 'so and so has been your friends since x years and you want to keep the friendship. and u will not sabotage a friendship over her beliefs' .... be sensible but stern.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi Tunil,

 

you are definitely not being unreasonable, maybe even a bit too reasonable imho.

I read in a lot of threads here that people show their SO their phones, texts, emails and so on. Although I think those are nice gestures I also believe it is an unhealthy attitude. (unless you have a joined account or something)

Especially if you haven't known your partner for a very long time.

I have been cheated on by two previous long term relationships and although I never asked to look into their phones or emails, I could sense without it that something was wrong. One usually can. Infidelity is (so much) more than just a text or an email.

I am in quite a strong and solid relationship at the moment since six months. He is handsome, kind and successful, girls look at him sometimes like he's a prey or something Still, I don't feel like I have the right to ask him to show me his phone, or his emails, I never really felt like that was my right to ask, nor is it his to ask. And although he can if he wants to, I would feel something is amiss if he would, or if I would.

People have the right to their privacy, even if that privacy means somebody is merely asking how they are doing by text and someone wants to respond one on one.

Having a partner does not mean that the bonding you do with them surpasses the bond you have (sometimes a lot longer) with friends or family.

Especialy not in the beginning of a relationship. It's (a lot) about respect for the person you are getting to know.

Sometimes or a lot of the times and possibly always that means taking a leap of faith. And it is exactly that which makes for a strong and solid basis in a relationship, certainly in the beginning.

If you have strong friendships with other women, this is the package she chose when she picked you. And two months is still a discovery phase.

Letting her decide the how's and when's of anything really, is giving her the message that you are bendable about very important matters in your life so far.

My opinion is that as long as she has no reason to distrust you, she simply shouldn't feel entitled to that level of access and should allow you your privacy and intimate relationships you have built up throughout your life.

Being in an romantic relationship for two months, even if the connection is very strong, should not outweigh that, yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you text your guy friends every single day? It is fine to have opposite sex friends and you should not drop them just because of a relationship. However, out of respect for your relationship you will need to establish different boundaries. Your girl is not likely worried about cheating, she is bothered by the emotional attachment you have with them. This kind of emotional closeness you should be building with your girl, but right now it's probably not happening because those friendships are meeting that need.

 

I think you need to scale things back with your female friends if you want to develop a healthy bond with your gf.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you text your guy friends every single day? It is fine to have opposite sex friends and you should not drop them just because of a relationship. However, out of respect for your relationship you will need to establish different boundaries. Your girl is not likely worried about cheating, she is bothered by the emotional attachment you have with them. This kind of emotional closeness you should be building with your girl, but right now it's probably not happening because those friendships are meeting that need.

 

I think you need to scale things back with your female friends if you want to develop a healthy bond with your gf.

 

I agree with this. I would also be uncomfortable if I was in the girl's place because it would seem that you were not emotionally available in the relationship. You should want that girl to take up some of the emotional attachment you have to your female friends. Family and male friends I would not care about but I would be a bit skeptical of many close female friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, I am a woman and I do not text my female friends multiple times a day every day.

 

Most Guys I know contact their guy friends on an as needed basis "hey what time is the meet up?" Not all day, continuos, chit chat.

 

I am just curious how a 33 year old guy have multiple female friends that he texts non stop. Is there this much to talk about?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also I am curious about these female friends, who are not liking "being pushed aside."

 

When my male friends are in relationship, I distance myself out of respect. I don't want to cause drama for them. I always make sure that I don't text too late, or always include the girlfriend on communications.

 

I certainly expect my male friends to prioritize their relationship partners over me. I am not offended if I see or comminicate less with them because my male friends are in relationships.

 

Why are these women so possessive of you? Texting their fingers of when their friend is in a relationship?

 

The whole thing is just strange to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you text your guy friends every single day? It is fine to have opposite sex friends and you should not drop them just because of a relationship. However, out of respect for your relationship you will need to establish different boundaries. Your girl is not likely worried about cheating, she is bothered by the emotional attachment you have with them. This kind of emotional closeness you should be building with your girl, but right now it's probably not happening because those friendships are meeting that need.

 

I think you need to scale things back with your female friends if you want to develop a healthy bond with your gf.

 

This. All of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are the best person to judge if having female friends is hindering your relationship with your new girl. To be honest, the assumption that it will is also an assumption that love and caring are rationed - if you're fond of one person it means you've got less to go round. While a lot of people operate like this (including your new girlfriend by the sound of it), once you pause to think it will become apparent that it's a myth.

 

I have a few people, both male and female, who I keep in touch with every day, sometimes several times a day, for various reasons. If a new partner was as jealous and possessive as yours, I'd be detaching from the relationship pretty quickly. I think you're right to be showing her the conversations, and it would also be good if she could meet them - which, hopefully, will allay her fears. However, if she's behaving like this when you've only been with her for two months - beware! If you give in on this one, it will only be a matter of time before you won't be able to see any of your friends.

 

Security is something which comes from within. You can't make another person feel secure, no matter what you do - but you can lead a very restricted, impoverished life trying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ok. so after a full week of thinking about all your responses and talking things through with my gf, i was told that i didnt word the original post properly. so i want to word it exactly how my gf wants you guys to read it. so that maybe you will respond differently. but before i go there id like to respond to the last post. yes i do text some male friends every single day.so........my new gf is mainly concerned about my closest friend. my closest friend is a married woman with two kids. she lives about 900 miles away from me. ive known her since high school. i text her every day. its usually about random nonsense but i confide in her and value her opinions and she helps me stay sane when i feel like im losing it. its been this way for years. my new gf is having issues with the fact that i talk to her every day. she wants me to cut back and not text her every day. i do believe in compromise in a relationship so im not totally against that idea but i honestly dont see the big deal. im not in love with my friend. ive never been in a sexual relationship with this friend. i have no desire to ever have a sexual relationship with her. but i still want to text her daily. i dont ignore my gf for her. i do text my gf every single day and way more than i text this other girl. so thats that, if you think im wrong, please tell me so and explain why. i want to understand this from the other side.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's married, you've known her for years, you never had anything romantic with her and you don't ignore your gf to talk to this other girl. Personally, I wouldn't mind. It's obvious she's just a friend whose opinion you value..the fact that she's female wouldn't bother me at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a male friend who's married, lives over the other side of the country and with whom I've worked on various humorous projects over the years. We email most days; a lot of it's just stuff to make you laugh, we're both in twelve step recovery programs so we discuss spiritual matters, and he was enormously supportive during my breakup two years ago.

 

I've recently started a new relationship. If my new fella told me how often I should be in contact with my long-standing friend, he'd be shown the door pretty quick! Nor would I have a problem if the roles were reversed.

 

Either your girlfriend trusts you, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, she'd be better off with someone more willing to be controlled than you are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...