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Think I just need to get it all out...


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Hello everyone, this is my first post here, I've been skulking around a while reading but never registered or posted.

 

This might be quite long, it's about my relationship status over the last few months but I think I need to just get it all out of my system and...I don't really know if I'm necessarily looking for advice..maybe? More likely just an ear to hear me perhaps.

 

So here's how it goes. I met my recent ex (we'll call him Rich) in our last year of uni in 2011. At the time I was with another guy (we'll call him Craig), our relationship wasn't great, had died long before we ended up breaking up and to be honest I was never that into him; I don't think I ever really loved him. Rich and I worked together, we got on great and within a few months it was clear he had a thing for me. In January 2012 I eventually broke it off with Craig, I did not break up with him to get with Rich but once I was single I began to become more curious of the possibility of a relationship with Rich. Rich and I started hanging out as friends, and then dating and in May 2012 we became a couple; it was wonderful we had loads of chemistry, common interests, sense of humour, good physical attraction, I'd never felt that way before, I utterly loved him.

 

In July 2012 we graduated and moved back to our hometowns but fortunately Rich and I only lived an hour away from one another, I think he was a little nervous about the distance at first but really it was not that far. We continued to date and I loved having him in my life.

 

Sadly not much else in my life was great. Since the middle of final year I'd become depressed, just plain terrified of the future, I still didn't really know what I wanted to do for a career, I didn't feel ready to graduate; I had low self esteem and was scared I wouldn't be able to find a good job or move out etc. I was also very lonely in my hometown, I did not have many friends back there, I was sad to leave the wonderful friends I'd made in my Uni's city; moving home was very very difficult for me. I also struggled to find a job and ended up having to work in a cafe which was a truly AWFUL job with very little pay. In comparison Rich was delighted to move back to his home town, he had loads of friends back home, a good job, appropriate for his career of choice, pretty much waiting for him, he had to move back in with his parents who he does not get on with (especially his mum) but had a brother with a flat and a room going so planned to move there as soon as he could afford rent (he moved in to his brothers in Oct 2012). He was set and fairly happy to be home; Uni for him was fun but he was ready to finish, where as for me Uni had been a massive thrill for me and some of the best years if my life after very testing teenage years.

 

This led me to become quite needy towards Rich, he was a bit of a life line and a saviour; I adored seeing him on weekends! Though I didn't like his hometown that much, it's very pretty but rather quiet and...I don't know I'm very sensitive to the atmos of a place and I'm just not a big fan (but it did eventually grow on me, I can say I still prefer my home county though).

 

Rich was a very loving sort, he was faithful, funny and playful but I did slowly become apparent that, well to put it one way, his dad (or elder brothers) had clearly never sat him down and went through the dating 101 if you get my drift. I mean considering he had had quite a number of relationships, me being his second serious one I believe, boy did he make some rookie mistakes. Like he was rather unromantic, with no sense of chivalry; he certainly wasn't malicious but he would never understand why I'd get a bit peeved if we'd go to a restaurant and he'd open the door...then walk right through it, not hold it open for me, or very very rarely offer to pay for my meal (I don't mind going dutch on occasion, or even paying, hey I'm an independent woman and I make my own money but I mean...c'mon). Or not get why I was disappointed when I spent £60-70 to buy him loads of comic book mech I'd know he'd love for Christmas for him on my Birthday (which is a few days later) to get me £20 photo frames from a home ware store, I have NO photos displayed in my room and I have never been one for displaying photos. He also didn't get me ANYTHING for Valentine's day, said he thought I didn't celebrate it and wasn't going to get him anything, he knew I was making him a card and bringing him cakes from my work! I mean what kind of moron quite frankly risks the welfare of his balls to ASSUME his gf doesn't acknowledge Valentine's day. He was horrified when I burst into tears because of it, I mean he was genuinely sorry but sometimes I just thought 'Are you in a world of your own here???'

 

I really don't think he meant to hurt me I just think he was really really dense. He doesn't seem to know the basic ins and outs of dating AT ALL, it's like he lives his life with blinkers on when it comes to other people. I would be more forgiving but sometimes it was past dense, it was plain idiotic and foolish and when he'd had multiple previous relationships, there was just not excuse for these slip ups.

 

Anyway, a little later on, in Feb 2012 I got a new job. It was boring but in a sector closer to my degree and something with more interest, then in April I was asked to move office from my home county to London. I really didn't want to take it, because I honestly did not want to work in London, not for a job that I actually found pretty boring and didn't really pay enough to justify the commute but I was sort of backed into a corner and had to take it. I was worried of the effect it would have on my relationship with Rich because frankly that was more important to me than this job, my career IS important to me but this job was just a stepping stone (I'm still in the same job now and it's clear that it is indeed going NOWHERE and I aim to get a new job asap). I called him up to tell him about it and he said he felt uncomfortable that I was making him an 'excuse' not to take the job. It honestly wasn't about that, my priorities were just different in this circumstance. His job and career are VERY important to him and I think he just automatically thought 'why would you not take this job opportunity?' without thinking maybe, for me at this time, it wasn't what I wanted and thus wasn't that important to me.

 

I continued working the job, because I got home so late and had to be up so early to get to work seeing Rich got a bit harder and it became more important to me to see him on the weekends. I continued getting clingier, my depression and anxiety was worsening (and I began having problems with physical health too), because I lacked friends back home I pushed to be more involved with his friends and would get easily offended if he choice to go off and do something with them without me. (Though a few times he was a bit rude about it, once again lack of sensitivity and general etiquette on his part. For example, me turning up for a whole weekend with him for him to say 'oh btw, you have to leave tomorrow at 1pm', 'why?', 'oh because me and everyone are going to see [insert Movie I really wanted to see too and he knew that here]'. Or I would ring him up Friday morning and be all 'what time am I seeing you tonight?', me seeing him on weekends being pretty routine, and he'd respond with 'oh...I'm seeing you tonight?'......yeeeeeeesss did discuss this with you last weekend too ya know. So yeah just bloody rude sometimes.)

 

The thing that was getting me through dark days was the hope that one day, perhaps in a year or even less, Rich and I could move in somewhere together, it would be a lovely little life and I could get some independence back. Trouble was, where to live? As I said I wasn't THAT big a fan of his county and it would be harder for me to find work there than in my own county and in my county I COULD work in London if I truly needed to. In comparison he, due to his line of work, could likely find a suitable job easily in my county. I had family, though few, that I was close to and slowly but surely I did start to reunite with old friends; the people in my life are extremely important to me and though it was early days I liked having my own friendship group again. Rich on the other hand, yes his friends were important to him but...well him, and them, seemed a bit fickle in that respect; they didn't seem the supporting type and although nice people you could tell they would likely rat you out in a heart beat if something was in it for them. Not the loyalist bunch and ton of drama in the group on occasions too. So this had been a continued discussion between us. I thought it would benefit both of us and be a fairer situation if we moved to my county, but he could be as stubborn as a mule and, well, was basically having none of it, going on and on about the importance of his current job (which although good was hardly hitting the big time if I may say) and it was either move to his county or.....well that was it. In the end I said that I was prepared to move to his county, because I loved him and this was important to me, but I just wanted him to be open minded about the possibility of moving to my county too, perhaps further along in our future; I thought that was a reasonable request. Tbh he still seemed to shake his head and basically imply he was staying put in his county for the rest of his days. (I should remind you all again, we lived an hour away...that's it, so not like he was far away from his hometown at all really). Additionally he did not want to rent after being at his brother's because he thought it was a waste of money, next time he moved he wanted to buy, it made sense, but what was I going to do? Just live at my mum's for the next 2 years (that's how long he thought it would take! HA! Oh honey try 5 years in this current climate) waiting for the time we were able to afford to buy.

 

I had been to the doctor to ask about therapy but the waiting period was really long and come around May-June-July time 2013 I began to break down. Having terrible panic attacks, getting angry a lot (though VERY rarely did Rich and I argue, in fact I don't think we ever had what you would call a fight) and getting very very paranoid about him and doubt kept creeping into my mind about whether he really loved and cared for me. In the end I kind of snapped when one day, when invited to come with me to one of my besties birthday parties in our old Uni city he responded with 'aaah I can't really be bothered'. At the time I was annoyed but didn't pursue it, but then I heard that the following weekend he was going away with all his local mates to somewhere even further away...just for a f**king pub crawl! As you can imagine I was furious, I was sick of being disrespected, low on his priorities and most importantly NOT LISTENED TO! I just felt like I was giving giving giving and he did nothing but take, why was it up to me to put all the effort in? He tried to say that the reason he didn't come to the party was that he felt it was important for me to spend time alone with those friends since I don't see them very often but it didn't explain why he just didn't say that in the first place. For this whole discussion (it wasn't an argument but it was heated) he just sat there in silence, looking sulky and pretty pissed off while I called him out for not respecting I had a life too and for a couple to work there has to be effort, compromise and the essence of working together from both parties. The thing was I just felt like anytime I said ANYTHING he wasn't listening to me, just flew right over his head, like he knew nothing about me and further more, didn't believe the things I said; when you have depression it's so important to be listened to, to be believed and be respected in what you say and he just wasn't doing that. Even though I had explained the situation many times and my GP had even given me reading materials I could give him so he could become more informed. But then again that's some basic communication stuff that should be worked into all relationships. I sometimes think he just thought, 'oh you're depressed, you don't know what you're on about'.

 

He never really said sorry. Or even explained himself. He ended the talk with 'Sorry you feel that way'...making it my fault and my problem, one half arse apology. I hated getting angry at him and it was less because I thought badly of him I was just so frustrated at how freaking naive and ignorant he seemed to be of what he was doing.

 

In August 2013 he broke it off with me. Saying he didn't see a future with me, that it was a 'weekend relationship' and that was all it was ever going to be. That we didn't have anywhere to live, we'd tried to work it out before and nothing had come of it. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken, I loved all of him with all of me and I had put so much into this relationship. I was angry too because to me, this was the cowards way out. Rather than stand up, be a man, look inside himself to work out the problems presented and improve himself in the relationship he decides to just bail instead; I think that is truly pathetic. Additionally I felt abandoned just before I went into therapy for severe depression and anxiety, a time I needed his support more than anything. He said he felt it better to do it now before the therapy so I didn't get all better to get knocked back again, and I'm there on the doorstep crying while he hugs me telling me he still loves me so but it just can't work...and I'm thinking....why? You're the one putting these obstacles up. He even said, when I asked what other reasons than the distance/future concerning that he had for feeling we had to break off, that he had none and he had been thinking about it for weeks trying to justify the break up, why are you trying to justify a break up? Surely you should be trying to justify being together.

 

He still wanted to be friends, I wasn't sure I could but I really needed help while I went through therapy. It turned out to be a bad plan though. We met up a few times, twice to try and fix it (which resulted in me explaining how we could make things work and him just saying 'no no no, I haven't changed my mind on this'). He said he would still be there to help me through therapy and he genuinely had an interest to be friends, saying I was a really important person in his life and he did not want that to change, that he loved me but not in the way he did before. But he NEVER EVER phoned to see how things were going and from his Facebook he seemed to just continue like life was normal. I'd mess up and phone him sobbing and begging for a second chance, it wasn't good but I was in a bad way, my therapy was going bad because I was just such a mess, I really didn't think I could recover. I self harmed (I have scars now) and even got in my car once with a razor blade and drove to the middle of nowhere, I was out of it, I have no idea what I was trying to do but I think I may have been thinking of killing myself in my subconscious.

 

Eventually the friends I reunited with came to my aid (some of these people I barely knew btw, I feel like if Rich was a decent guy he should truly feel ashamed that near on strangers were there to help me in my darkest hour while he was nowhere to be seen), as well as my old Uni mates and even my ex Craig to a degree! Some of Rich's friends were there for me too, many saying they were utterly shocked when we broke up and couldn't understand why. One of his (well our but I met through him) friends in particular was called Lisa (for this purpose) and she was there for me a lot, she also had bad depression and borderline personality disorder, she'd been through very tough times so I did feel like she was someone I could speak to; she told me she was there for me.

 

My life started to get together more and my therapy going better. Then one day one of Rich's other friends who was comforting me, called Andy (here anyway, Andy was also Lisa's ex-fiance, they had had some rocky times of recent, she was very obsessed and protective of him but was also the first to bad mouth him) tells me Rich has told him not to speak to me anymore, that I need to move on and heal and that him talking to me was detrimental. Well I was kind of offended because to me it's my choice who I speak to. Rich and I ended up getting in a row about it where Rich revealed he'd never said anything of the like to Andy and that he must have totally misconstrued his words when he had opened up a bit to Andy about the situation. He was really pissed off that Andy had meddled. Anyway not long after this I realised Lisa hasn't been speaking to me and her FB seems to be gone. I knew she was going through rough times though, she was very lonely and felt like the friendship group was 'shunning her', Andy had also recently moved away and that had hit her hard too as she thought their relationship could be repaired (though many of us outside the circle were well aware it was never going to happen). It did not surprise me that she may have deleted her FB, she had in the past, only weird thing is we used to text a lot and suddenly we weren't at all.

 

A couple of weeks later I get a bit obsessive and keep trying to call Rich (I know it was a bad thing to do) and got a bit angry and left a voicemail saying I felt like I was being played for a bit of an idiot as I'd seen he'd updated his Facebook via his mobile etc and not got back to my calls. In the end I find out he's seeing someone else, I was destroyed, as I had hoped that maybe we could still reconcile. We rowed, I said a lot of things I really regretted, I just felt like I must have meant NOTHING to him if he'd moved on so quick (this was around Oct 2013), I also called him a liar saying that he clearly never loved me. It was not something I was proud of. But eventually I did try to explain I was just angry because I loved him and just didn't understand what was happening and why he was putting me in such a difficult position which brought on so much extra suffering I really didn't need at the present time. I deactivated my FB account to get some space.

 

Two weeks later, I find out from my friend the news....Rich is now in a relationship with Lisa. I genuinely wanted to die, I cried so much I was sick. Not only had I been rejected, abandoned and treated with so little sympathy but I'd been utterly betrayed as well. I reactivated my FB to send him one last message (I sign in to find he's already unfriended me) saying to take care and love Lisa etc etc, but God was it through gritted teeth because..ok I'm a nice person generally, but I don't think I have felt so much contempt and dislike for a person as much as Lisa, I think she is just the biggest b*tch! Quickly have I realised all the warnings I was given, how people told me to keep a distance from her, how no one really welcomed her to the friendship group, how she started most of the group's drama, how some prime people in the group really didn't like her. I was blind and now I see. She's a pathological liar, she makes up stories so people pity her and are kind to her then she spits in their faces because inside she's exceptionally selfish and will backstab anyone to get what she wants. She's self destructive and thinks it's everyone else's responsibility to fix her depression and mental health problems and refuses to do anything to help herself; I now know why she was being shunned. I'm pretty sure she has ulterior motives here, I think she wanted to be with someone desperately because she has low self esteem and once she heard I was talking to her ex-fiance she must have felt threatened, assumed I was flirting with him (which I was most certainly not!) and so decided to grab Rich to teach me a lesson. It's all theories yes but it seems to add up a little too well in my mind. She is all around a horrible, spiteful individual and I want NOTHING more to do with her, oh she blocked me on Facebook too that's why I couldn't find her, another coward hiding away it would seem.

 

I think, I hope, for Rich this is a rebound because they are certainly not a compatible couple at all. He knows what Lisa is like and has even talked numerous times to me about her, even warned me to give her a wide berth when I told him she was being very supportive to me; I should have listened. She is not his type AT ALL and is a good few years older than him. I noticed, though I have limited access, that he has no obvious photos of the two of them on his page, she's not going on a little group friends getaway in January (2014), I don't think she's welcome with the friend group by the sounds of things and, very strangely, he still has all my good friends and even my sister friended on FB. Another mutual friend, we'll call him Mark, has told me that a lot of the friend group has had something to say about it too, commenting that it's really weird. I just hope it's a rebound, not necessarily because I am hoping for reconcile but, well, I just want him to be happy. Of course I would LOVE him to be with me but if not with me I want him to meet a really nice girl who will treat him right and love and care for him and he do likewise for her, not be trapped with some messed up nutter of a girl who's only motivation is to do everything for her own selfish benefit.

 

Rich did respond to my final message (early December 2013) saying that he still considered me to have been a very important part of his life and that he felt I needed to heal and learn my own self worth and that he felt I could not do this currently while he was around, heavily hinted that we would be back in contact at some point. But at the same time he told me I deserved to be happy and I would make someone very happy someday; suggesting that him and I would not reconcile in the future. By this point I had unfriended all our mutual friends on FB (excluded those that were originally MY friends obviously) because I knew I would be too tempted to ask about him/I may see pics etc I didn't want to see, similarly I unliked his work page. I also blocked him on FB to stop me looking at his profile so easily, I also disconnected him from Steam, Linkedin, anything I could think of and deleted his and all his friends' numbers from my phone. However some ppl, like Mark, do have my number still and some also are fans of my artwork page (including, yep, Rich) but most haven't contacted me, I think they get I just want to be left alone.

 

Since then we have not contacted each other at all. Christmas, New Years and my Birthday have been in that time but again, nothing. I'm very mixed about the whole thing. I'm trying very hard to get on with my life, my friends have been wonderful and I'm so happy to have them and I have tried dating again but I'm not really that into it, my efforts I'll admit are half arsed and I'm sort of disinterested. I really want to be in a relationship but, well as you can probably guess I just want to be with Rich. I'm sort of talking with one guy right now and will perhaps be meeting up with another guy sometime this month, we'll see what happens but I am not hopeful. I've finished my therapy and I do generally feel a lot better, I have a much more positive outlook for the year. However it still really nags at me how I feel like mine and Rich's relationship was thrown away on essentially nothing. It's very disconcerting and hard to get over when you feel like you really didn't fight for it.

 

However I'm trying my hardest not to put my eggs in one basket, despite the fact that thinking he may come back being a huge motivator for me to get out of bed in the morning and get on with my life. I would never approach him about reconcile, I'd only consider if he asked me and even then I'm not sure, I just don't want to date a quitter. To me, if we both go away and sort our demons out and came back to a new relationship I think we could really thrive but while Rich is with Lisa, I don't think he's going to have the time to really reflect or even acknowledge the problems he has. I know what mine are, I know the mistakes I made, I'm trying my hardest to learn and improve. He was just someone who struggled to value the people in his life and didn't understand the effect his actions could have on others, which led him to do very hurtful things but be so bemused when people were upset. One time when I was trying to fix things I asked whether he thought no one cared about him, he responded with 'does anyone really care about anyone but themselves?', I think that's the saddest thing he has ever said to me, it was upsetting to hear that he really thought that. I told him I cared, I would not be sitting there trying to resolve things if I didn't care, he said 'oh well yeah but you're different', but if I was so different surely that would mean I was a much more special element of his life. If he asked, I think I'd have to think about it for a while and have a very long serious chat with him to see if he has grown at all.

 

I'm currently happy in NC, it hurts sometimes no knowing but sometimes I think if I knew I'd feel even worse. I also now there is no way Rich and I can be friends while he is with Lisa, I'm sorry but that is just something I can't accept. She is staying well out of my life from now on.

 

 

So yes, my GOD if you read all that you are a star! xx

As I said I think I just needed to spill, that's not even all of it really but it's late here and that's one huge wall of text.

Any advice or theories would be good to hear, as I said though just needed an ear lended really. Thank you!

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Realised the above is SUPER long. I wanted to edit it to add a TLDR version before the main bulk of text but I don't know how/if I can, so I'll condense it here.

 

Basically I was with a guy (called Rich here) from May 2012 to August 2013. I love him very much, I believed he loved me and we had a great relationship. We broke up because he felt like we had no future due to us living in different counties and unable to decide where to move together. He later told me he still loved me but not in the same way, that he felt he was holding me back and that we had fundamental flaws in the relationship. All the time I felt like he was putting obstacles up that weren't actually there as I disagreed entirely.

 

I ultimately decided we both just had demons to deal with, for example I had depression and anxiety problems, plus other aspects of my life were not going great and we would probably do that better on our own. He wanted to remain friends, I found it tough but I did talk to him and some of the friends I had made through him. In the end though I went NC from December 2013 until present, after I found out a mutual friend of ours who had been supporting me through the break up (and who has some very bad mental health problems + I realised she was indeed not a very nice person at all), had started a relationship with Rich. I am confident this is a rebound since they are not compatible, I know especially that she does not love him. I personally never want to see or hear from her again.

 

Although we haven't talked he has still indicated he wants to be friends and we will talk eventually, though he encouraged NC so I could heal. He is still friends with all my close friends on FB and even my sister! He also actively watches my art page and, despite eventually unfriending me so I could get space, he still kept me friended on Steam, Linkedin and many other places. The other girl blocked me on FB before they announced the relationship. I soon unfriended him everywhere else, and all his friends and all their numbers. I just need time to myself, hopefully we can all talk again at some time.

 

So yes if you want more details please feel free to comb through the above. Many thanks! xx

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Wow, there is a lot. Good for you for writing it down. You have a very rich history but usually things come down to a few things, which you have said so yourself.

 

You need to deal with your demons and have initiated NC. We need to love ourselves before we can love other people in a healthy way. Most people don't do that. There is a lot of growth here for you and this will be one of the best things for you.

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I am impressed by how you can relax and see how things are. I hope writing it all down made you feel better.

 

It is a bad situation and I hope you truly are feeling better but it seems you are far more mature than Rich.

You seem to appreciate the "good" people in your life and value them. Seems Rich does not, that is part of being immature.

He seems to think you can treat people however you want and they will still be there how you want them...

Rich will learn and one day get that how he treated you was wrong and will miss you. Whether he ever gets back to you who knows.

 

I too went through this with an immature ex. It hurts like hell but there is nothing you can do but take good care of yourself and move on from Rich

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Hi guys, thank you for the response and support.

 

It's interesting you say about Rich being immature because I did call him out on that in a way (back when I said some bad things I didn't feel good about), told him that a 'good' job, a fancy car and a shared flat with his brother did not make him some mature adult. It was mostly because on more than one occasion he would get too big for his britches and try and talk down to me about living with my mum etc, not that he would insult it but just his tone you know. I told him that a real adult makes themselves accountable for their mistakes, learn to forget their pride and apologise as well as forgive. His ego and pride were definitely a downfall though, as I said he never really said a true 'sorry' for anything and even at the bitter end I don't think he believed anything was his doing; it was either mine or forces we could not control, to him he was a blameless victim.

I'm sure you can understand how frustrating I find this because if he just went away and grew up a bit there is no reason for a wonderful relationship not to blossom between us though I worry he may already at 23-24 be set in his ways (his parents are like that too, very stubborn and stuck in bad habits).

 

As for the staying calm haha, thank you but believe me you should have seen me when it first happened. It was ugly, I truly thought the world was going to end. I still have times when I get so angry about everything and I have made digs at his new gf since (though channeled it creatively through my art, which is great it means I can really get my rage for Lisa out in a way that only I know I'm doing it). But generally there is no point contacting him, I never hear anything I want to hear anyway and if he wants to go mess up his future by focusing on the materialistic items and peeved off the people who actually care about him than so be it, he'll find 3-5 years down the road that he's only got himself to blame.

 

I guess it just sucks that I have to hurt and get deprived of something that brought me such joy and love. Least that's how I feel about it.

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I hate to bump this and double posts but I had some queries and thought I would add here rather than start a new thread if that is alright.

 

I've been having a ponder recently (ruminating, I know it's not good) but it does bug me how Rich would say, repeatably, around the break up and onwards that one of his main reasons for leaving was that he was,

 

"Holding me back."

 

Has anyone got any idea what someone would mean by this? Anytime he would say it I was so confused because I really didn't feel like he was holding me back from anything. It makes me wonder, do you think he realised his behaviour and it was his way of, not apologising, but I guess saying I deserved better in a way? I agree I think I do deserve better but I personally don't see why he could not have provided me with that if he pulled his finger out. It could be just one of those lines people say to make a break up easy but he said it so often and with such poignancy that it's really stuck in my mind.

 

Any ideas?

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