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No closure limbo. Don't how to handle it well.


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Hi all,

 

Having trouble with this final stage of breaking up. I feel in limbo. 12 days BU, and although my head says a break up is correct and I have no wish to return to the relationship, I am still full of love in my heart for my ex.

 

There was no cheating involved, no nasty break up. And I so wanted to end on good terms, to reflect the love we have for each other and the time we spent together. Except, he simply won't. I asked him to stop contacting me after several texts and fb messaging from him following the break up - just talking, asking how I am, telling me how he feels etc - so I could move on. He responded with a blunt, angry message on fb ending 'I will respect your wishes, goodbye (my name)' and blocked me 4 days ago. There hasn't been the closure talk, the 'I love you, I'm sorry it didn't work out, wish you well' talk that I feel I need to move on positively. I have asked if 'we are ok' twice since via text, but he ignores me. He texted yesterday, the day after I texted him a happy new year (I didn't ask him any questions in the text). He wrote 'I did get all your messages (eventhough I hadn't asked him if he had). Thank you. I am not upset, I think it is for the best if you stop texting me though.' And that's it. No new year wishes even.

 

Is this his way of retaining some power / control? Or does he simply not care any more?

 

I'm not deluded, I know he's moving on and shouldn't contact him again, however I am puzzled, our's was a relationship with very good communication and alot of love and affection. I know I have to cut ties and move on, but I feel it would be easier if we could end on a good note. Is that pathetic? Am I expecting too much?

 

Any ideas how I can accept this would be really appreciated. I have a constant anxious feeling in my stomach of something left hanging in the air which is really draining. Thanks.

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It is too early for that talk, there are still a lot of emotions. You need to distract yourself and focus on yourself. After some time and NC you may be able to talk to him, now it will only cause fights. It is only 12 days past BU, you've not even reflected on your relationship and its demise.

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There is no need for a closure talk. You are not together anymore. If both of you wanted, you would be. That alone is the closure you need. It's over.

 

Some people may need closure to move on and help them heal, especially when it was a loving relationship without cheating etc. However, it only should be done after some time and strict NC, just my opinion

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At least it was a clean breakup unlike mine. I know what your feeling I was with a woman whom I thought loved me but she cheated on me and then screwed me over and filing a false restraining order which was thrown out but we now have a no contact and have no closure.

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Pebbles, if you truly do love your ex let him be for now. You need to talk, however he doesn't want to so you have to respect his decision

 

Yes I agree and completely respect his decision, it's just frustrating for me I guess. I just wonder why he is behaving as he is, to be all on then suddenly cold.

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Did you break up with him?

 

Yes? If so, this rant is for you:

 

When my ex recently broke up with me after several years, she wanted me to "agree", be friends and make it end with "dignity". Well, ok. I did not agree, and it crushed me. I begged and contacted her for a few days until she asked me to stop. I did stop. It is hell, and like your ex I will not respond if she makes contact, other than to respectfully ask her to let me be. Because I am broken.

 

Your post makes me furious. I am sorry, but this guy - who YOU asked stop contacting YOU - is broken hearted.

 

He askes YOU to let him be. After you ended it with HIM.

 

Again, sorry. But you clearly do not understand. Mind you, I have broken up with someone. I know it crushed her soul. NEVER would I even dare to expect anything back when you destroy someone like that, be it for VERY good and understandable reasons (it was not working, inherent complications, loss of attraction e.g.).

 

What do you want? Friendship? Grace?

 

Gah, this post. It hurt my brian. For the love of all that is holy, RESPECT his wish to let him be. He now owes you nothing.

 

I do not get it. At all. Sorry: Yes you are not only "expecting too much", you seem to not understand that you left him. It is tenfold worse for him. The end. Now let him be.

 

Edit: Read your post history. Things were perhaps more complicated than this thread gave the impression of. If he agreed, treated you poorly etc, then I do understand you a lot better. I will leave my original rant as s testament to a traditional "non-agreeing" dumpee pshyche

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Yes I agree and completely respect his decision, it's just frustrating for me I guess. I just wonder why he is behaving as he is, to be all on then suddenly cold.

 

I've spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about his behaviour. But you can't know, it will all be just your assumptions and hypotheses. That's why they recommend you to focus on yourself. If it was a loving relationship, chances are he is hurting as much as you are. Respect both of you and let you two heal. Go full NC, no online stalking. After some time, you will be able to have a good conversation if that's what you want.

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We ended mutually, it was horrible. We are both broken hearted. It has been and is very painful. I intend to leave him be, especially as he has now asked me to. I posted not to justify my actions but to mainly seek advice on how to deal with the feelings of limbo, which I fear could worsen into a deeper depression which I am prone to.

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I've spent a lot of time thinking and wondering about his behaviour. But you can't know, it will all be just your assumptions and hypotheses. That's why they recommend you to focus on yourself. If it was a loving relationship, chances are he is hurting as much as you are. Respect both of you and let you two heal. Go full NC, no online stalking. After some time, you will be able to have a good conversation if that's what you want.

 

Thank you for your perspective silversoul. I want us both to heaL, so will go full NC. And avoid the stalking. Thanks again.

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I can relate and I know how hard it is. But when I feel resentful and angry at my ex for him ignoring me, I just remember that's just my ego and pride. I have to remind myself that if I truly love him, I should let him be. I recommend reading SuperDave's posts on this forum, they make me feel better and put things into perspective

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If I read this correctly, YOU asked him to stop contacting you, right? Then you ask why he didn't send you a NY msg?

Not sure what you want then?

 

Best thing for the next while.. few + weeks is to leave each other alone. dont expect anything more from each other.

Often after a break up there will be heated conversations etc until the fire burns down between you.

 

Then after a month or 3, there may be some agreeable contact or....not. Which can be where you can both act civilized and i hear it's often one wanting to be a 'friend' with the ex or not wanting to communicate any longer at all.

 

You wont really know for a while how this will pan out, until things settle down.. if you do want to talk with him again...

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I feel dor you. Although mine wasn't as strong, I wanted an amicable exit and almost got one.

 

She wasn't a communicator but ignoring means she wanted NC.

 

I am frustrated and angry but when you ask how does one accept it and get closure? My only answer is we don't. We accept their wishes and accept that we can't get all the answers we want.

 

I write stuff down and I calm down and I don't text or call. Try that. Complain to us. Post here.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using link removed

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I can relate and I know how hard it is. But when I feel resentful and angry at my ex for him ignoring me, I just remember that's just my ego and pride. I have to remind myself that if I truly love him, I should let him be. I recommend reading SuperDave's posts on this forum, they make me feel better and put things into perspective

 

Thanks silversoul, this is really helpful, particularly the bit about ego / pride. Hope you're doing ok.

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Yes I agree and completely respect his decision, it's just frustrating for me I guess. I just wonder why he is behaving as he is, to be all on then suddenly cold.

 

You sent mixed signals. You told him to stop contacting you and when he said "fine, goodbye"...you started texting him. And it is delusional to think that someone who has already broken up with you is going to give you the "I love you but..." speech. The relationship has ended. There is no need for further communication!

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You sent mixed signals. You told him to stop contacting you and when he said "fine, goodbye"...you started texting BIM. And it is delusional to think that someone who has already broken up with you is going to give you the "I love you but..." speech. The relationship has ended. There is no need for further communication!

 

I know I realise this, but it is more complicated than I can possibly put in this post and there are a lot of emotions flying around which I've found difficult to harness. He was adamant that we were over, then texted / messaged me regularly in the days that followed asking if I'd moved on yet, what was I doing on fb in the early hours, how miserable he was, that he felt conflicted about us and would he regret in years to come letting me go. So I asked him, kindly, not to contact me. He cut off with anger. And I was hoping, YES perhaps naively, that we could end in a better way.

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\Seems he may have not to want the relationship to end. Just throwing it out there. Anyway why do you need to talk now that the rs is over?

 

When it's over there does not need to be an exit interview. Take care of yourself and if you two are going to talk, be friends, get back together it will be months later on before anything happens

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