Was Going Great, Suddenly Bad

[sjb6050]

I've been seeing a girl for the last 3 months. She has a two year old son and her and I as well has him have gotten along great so far. We both felt very intensely about each other right away in the relationship. It lead to her pretty much moving into my apartment right away. As naive as that may sound, it actually was working really well and we both admitted to feeling like we'd been together for months already.

 

Recently we've been jumping down each others throats a little and she admitted that it was bothering her. We are together quite often and don't have much of a chance to miss each other. She expressed to me that she's pondering moving in with her friend instead to help out our relationship and that she now thinks maybe it has gotten too serious too quickly and it may push her away.

 

I'm relatively disappointed by this as I love her and her son. I want them to stay with me and am more than willing to try to give each other some breathing room. The most serious party in all of this is her son. She mentioned "seeing the way he looks at me and knowing he'll be heart broken if we break up." Which I fully understand. He should be number one.

 

We're going to discuss it further tonight, I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and can tell me how you went through it. I really hate the feeling I have right now because we went from adoring each other to me now feeling as if I've pushed her away and we have no connection. Can you help me out? Thank you.

[savignon]

Poor baby boy! Completely unstable environment to move from wherever they were before to living with you to living with her friend to possibly bounce back to you. What a shame for him. It breaks my heart when kids are involved because they have no voice and are so helpless.

I have no advice because what's done is done and if she wants to move out, she will. She sounds like she puts her own needs above her son's and is also whimsical and impulsive when making extraordinarily important decisions regarding her child's safety and well-being.

[sjb6050]

I agree that it is unstable to continue moving but I will let you know that I've always treated him the way he should be treated. You're right, it's too much moving around for him but I've loved him and taken care of him. I just hate that this is happening.

[savignon]

I agree that it is unstable to continue moving but I will let you know that I've always treated him the way he should be treated. You're right, it's too much moving around for him but I've loved him and taken care of him. I just hate that this is happening.

 

My post wasn't meant to be a dig on you...its a dig on her, though. This is who she is as a woman and mother and its very telling. Where is the father? How long has she been single?

I would be weary of any woman who would move (with a toddler no less) into a man's apartment who she just met. I'm sorry but its a huuuuuuuuge red flag in terms of her character/emotional stability.

[NorthDallas40]

She sounds like she puts her own needs above her son's and is also whimsical and impulsive when making extraordinarily important decisions regarding her child's safety and well-being.

 

Exactly. I don't have kids, but I think a 3- to 6-month "trial period" before introducing a new partner to a child is imperative for all single parents who are dating. Otherwise there's a greater risk for exactly the kind of unstable child-rearing environment that your gf has created.

 

But no use crying over spilt milk - the best you can do is talk to her like an adult and encourage her to do what's best for her CHILD, not YOU.

[sjb6050]

My post wasn't meant to be a dig on you...its a dig on her, though. This is who she is as a woman and mother and its very telling. Where is the father? How long has she been single?

I would be weary of any woman who would move (with a toddler no less) into a man's apartment who she just met. I'm sorry but its a huuuuuuuuge red flag in terms of her character/emotional stability.

 

I hear where you are coming from with her decision making. I do believe she has a "bad decision making" side but I think it's changing. She is 23 and just had a child too young I believe. Regardless, that seems to be changing now because she is doing this because she realized her son is in this situation. She still wants to be together and for me to watch him but it is so hard for me to let them go from living here. I want them here, although it probably is best for our relationship in the long run if we start out normal speed instead of so fast.

 

I've always had trouble with not being very compatible with people and to see the next good relationship I have drift apart makes me feel empty. Especially when it includes her son.

[SooSad33]

Her son is 2. And moving apart does not mean it's forever. Why dont you all calm down?

Realize this is going to be for the better, as I feel you DID move on in together wayyyy too soon, yes.

 

Nothing wrong at all for being apart for a good while and NOT living together already. That's a good idea.

 

Heck i dated one guy over 4 yrs, never lived together. Another guy for 2 yrs before we moved in together, never any need to rush into that.

We ALL need our own space & time apart, that's a healthy thing. Just because you'd be living apart doesn't mean you're not going to still see each other.

 

Take your time.. relax with the relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

I do believe she has a "bad decision making" side but I think it's changing.

 

Her choice of moving in with a guy whom she's known for three months, and taking an innocent baby along for the ride, is not the work of someone who's capable of making good decisions. My heart goes out to this child who is being dragged around like a suitcase.

 

Where was she living before moving in with you? If she's responsible enough to have a child. she should be responsible enough to put a roof over his head.

[Ms Darcy]

Poor baby boy! Completely unstable environment to move from wherever they were before to living with you to living with her friend to possibly bounce back to you.

 

She sounds like she puts her own needs above her son's and is also whimsical and impulsive when making extraordinarily important decisions regarding her child's safety and well-being.

 

I agree with this BUT I do think you have some responsibility in this. I once dated a guy who wanted to move fast with meeting the kids, but I had enough sense not to meet the kids until 9 months into the relationship. Yes, treating the child well is good. But that's expected. You are supposed to treat kids well. But you should also act in their best interest, even when their mom or dad is not, even when your desires are high, even when your intentions are good.

 

Keep that in mind for the future.

[sjb6050]

I'm starting to really think about what some of you are saying about her judgement. I thought I loved her but I have a feeling she's got issues. It would be typical of me with my low self esteem to find someone who isn't at a good maturity level. There have been times with her where I feel like she's the one but more recently I've begun to wonder who she really is and if I should be with her.

 

I brought up today that we're probably not compatable and will end up breaking up and she didn't want to break up at all, just move slower. I have know idea what to do and wish I could just be given an answer

[Ms Darcy]

It takes two to rush. I don't think it's fair to put all the blame on her.

[savignon]

Your choice to have her move in does not reflect well on your judgment in just the same way it reflects poorly on her. I'm being perhaps unfair by holding her to a higher standard because she is a mother and a mother of a toddler on top of it. I would not be able to date someone who made such careless choices...but if I were making the same choices, I would have less room to judge her.

Let her move out and keep dating her if that's what you want to do.