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I feel like my girlfriend is cheating.


dmg2120

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She started a new job in August. Recently she has been frequently having text conversations with her manager. At first I felt like it was just a start to a new friendship, but she has been acting odd at times when she is on her phone. Examples being: When I sit down next to her, or come in contact with her while she is texting, she will immediately hide her phone. She turns the screen away from me when she is texting(she has never done this).

 

This past weekend he gave her a CD with some suggestive songs. All of them are very lovey, but one the one that made me snap was Closer, by the band Nine Inch Nails. I'm typically not an overly jealous guy, but I can tell when someone is trying to hit on a girl.

 

Today I did something I know I shouldn't have done, but I looked through her conversations with this guy. They were pretty flirty, saying things like how he makes her blush, and playing games where they pinch eachother(I know, quite childish, but it's strange), and how the other co workers notice when he is smiling when he is around her.

 

While I don't think(or hope) anything physical is going on. It seems like she has some type of connection that seems passed friendship. I don't know what to do, or think. I've been with this girl for over two years. We constantly talk about our future, and I plan on proposing to her this year. Am I being crazy?

 

Please help.

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You are not being crazy. She's being inappropriate.

 

How do I bring this up to her? I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like an awful person for going through her phone, but on the flip side I have confirmed some suspicions. Is this grounds to call everything off?

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She is having an emotional affair. If you are going to talk to her say something like, "I have felt us drifting apart recently.Can we talk about this?"

 

Or there is the more direct

 

"I have something serious to ask you. All I want is an honest answer, do you have feelings for your manager?"

 

EDIT: If she gets defensive, evades, or turns it around so you are the bad guy, dump her on the spot.

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I'd have a hard time not confronting my partner about this. I would be honest with her, sit her down, and explain that she had been acting different lately and you believed that it was a result of her relationship with this guy. I don't think there's really any way to tip-toe around the fact that you checked her phone and found these messages, unfortunately. You either can keep this to yourself and confront her about the relationship and see if she admits to being inappropriate, or you can tell her that you checked her phone (there's no tip-toeing around the fact that you looked - it is what it is, so let the chips fall where they may). How she explains herself to you will determine whether you want to call everything off or not. Then it's up to you whether you can continue on in a relationship with this person and forgive her for what's been done. Only you know. But it sounds like she's being completely inappropriate. The question is, how would she feel if she found you doing this with another woman? I'm guessing she wouldn't be thrilled, that's for sure. This is a tough situation to be in, but can you honestly say that you can continue on with this relationship and not say anything at all about what you found in her phone? Good luck to you.

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How do I bring this up to her? I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like an awful person for going through her phone, but on the flip side I have confirmed some suspicions. Is this grounds to call everything off?

 

Well, what do you want to happen? I wouldn't bother bringing it up because I wouldn't trust a cheater and couldn't date someone I can't trust not be attracted to a cheater. If you still want to be with her just tell her what you know. She may not even want to be with you - I mean her actions show she is interested in someone else and you know this. I certainly wouldn't worry about telling her you went through her phone. You did that to confirm suspicions you were correct about and had she not been lying to you, that wouldn't have been neccesary.

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Do you live together?

 

I consider this cheating already. As Moontiger said, an emotional affair.

 

How old are you two? Yes, it does sound really childish how she is carrying on.

 

We do not live together. She live with a girl from her church.

 

It is childish indeed.

 

I am 26, and she is 24.

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I'd address the issue with her and tell her how inappropriate it is.

 

That said, if she continues with it or if you feel uncomfortable and think she is still doing it behind your back, time to cut the loose ends and walk away.

 

Without integrity, trust, and respect, there is no groundwork for a relationship.

 

Hugs, Rose

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Hiding a phone like that is very telling. I would say that if nothing has happened between the two of them that it is about to. I would tell her that you are going to step aside so that she can pursue this relationship with the OM and see what she says. It wouldn't matter to me what she says, but that is just me. I would not even want her anymore. You have observed enough to hurt your heart. She is not that vested in you. Let her go. chi

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Since you don't live together, that gives you a lot of room to deal with this however you like with minimal complications.

 

I think it's pretty clear she isn't ready to commit herself to you, or for marriage. Agreed?

 

Personally, I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship any longer with someone who was cheating on me. I'm not only talking theoretically ; it's happened to me, we were together 7 years, and we lived together. I walked out on the spot. I consider cheating a break up. They've broken up with you - they just don't tell you. Keep you around to use you while they do it. That is my personal perspective.

 

And from that perspective, it's pretty easy to walk away. Easy in that, what are the other alternatives? To stay and try to convince someone to want to be with you all the way, when they have shown they don't want to anymore/can't? To hear more lies? To expose yourself to someone who you can't trust anymore and hurt yourself?

 

I'm not telling you what to do. But it's an alternative perspective, perhaps, than ones that even leave it open as a viable option to 'talk this out' or 'stay'.

 

The main point of what I am trying to say is that - you decide what you want to do now. Cause you are on your own. Talking this through with her is not like talking it through with the woman you thought you were a partner to before; she's not batting on your team anymore, she's batting for her own interests solely. So you gotta represent your own and not put stock that she will consider those for you.

 

So what would be in your own best interests here? Do that. Best of luck.

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Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm very shaken by this, and I'm at a huge crossroads at where I'm going to go with this. One side of me is ready to end it all, and the other is wanting to give the benefit of the doubt. I greatly appreciate all of the help.

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Thanks for the advise everyone. I'm very shaken by this, and I'm at a huge crossroads at where I'm going to go with this. One side of me is ready to end it all, and the other is wanting to give the benefit of the doubt. I greatly appreciate all of the help.

 

"It all"meaning the relationship. Not my life.

 

Rereading that made me realize how morbid that sounds.

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Just be sure that you are not taking what amounts to mild flirting and turning into something more that it's not. He may be into her, she may be flattered but perfectly loyal to you. Since he is a manager, she might not know how to tell him to eff off without losing her job. She is pretty young and not exactly experienced. She may not be willing to share this situation with you because she knows that you'll react exactly like you and many people on this thread have - omg cheater!

 

Don't know that the truth is, just felt like you need to consider other possibilities. Ultimately, you do need to talk her about it, but make sure that you are emotionally calm when you do it so she feels safe to open up to you. It may signal the end of your relationship, it may turn out to be nothing much. Either way, hopefully it will clear things up. Just don't be accusatory or inflammatory or all dramatic about it. Calm approach, not an attack.

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That would be a pretty weak cop out, IMO. Even if it were true. You did read what he wrote that he found right?

 

She's 24. Even as a teen, I knew there were choices to be made. You can't just say "I was scared" and bingo! you avoid responsibility for it. Just because there is a job involved, doesn't make it ok to throw out the regular rules of behavior.

 

This is someone he is considering marrying.

 

What if she does say something along these lines? What would the solution be? To hold her hand and watch out all the time to 'make sure' she can hold her ground like a grown up? How could you trust it?

 

I just don't see the point of it unless he wants to find a justification for what she has been doing.

 

It's either ok, or it isn't.

 

YOu either trust her, or you don't.

 

I think by the point he found himself digging through her phone, there was some erosion of trust building up for a while. And for good reason.

 

I just can't see how any explanation would make this appropriate. Hell, even if she wasn't in a relationship. Getting all fawny with the manager is pretty shifty stuff.

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I wouldn't call this cheating. It does sound like this guy is trying to get with her though. It also sounds like she doesn't mind him hitting on her, which is also, okay....Technically, it's polite sometimes to flirt a little, but....the things she is saying doesn't seem like she is full commitment to you..........I'd break it off and let her know nothing of this phone call snooping. Let her go, because I think she is trying to let you go. I know it sounds bad, but I have been through this similar behavior and it tore me up. I am still picking up the pieces after 2 years.

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