niteflyer86 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I know this is silly of me but he leaves his computer on when hes logged in (as we share the uses of pcs in the household) so I seen the messages that popped out on his facebook chats. While he was out at his mates house and drunk he has a habit of texting girls he used to date in which he become mates with - im fine with the whole mates thing but saying as he says it so several of girls who was once with him before we got together (obviously) he sends them messages saying he misses them and if they still think bout him and miss him too ? ? However I am wondering what he was trying to achieve out of this? after saying he would like to meet up with them again. Me and my fella have now been approaching a one year mark in our relationship I am already 15 weeks pregnant with my first child (and his second) and at christmas it was all his idea to officially make it a proper deal by getting a engagement ring to propose his commitment to me... I feel like I make him happy when hes sober he tends to tell him how I am the best thing thats happened to him and he consistently showers me with compliments sweet meaningful things which sounds like he means, and I however do shower him with the same level of love and affection. It seemed our relationship was on good terms until I saw them messages and its not been the first time it happened either. he told another ex shortly after we started out with eachother how much he missed her and that she makes him happy the sort of texts where hes trying to win her over by asking of her to meet him (drunken moments again) where he was happy to text her and hardly even makes much of an effort to text me and tell me how he feels only makes me wonder what hes trying to do ? I really need some opinions on this I really hate not being able to comprehend his actions and also since our engagement he still uses dating sites chatting girls up when hes sober setting his relationship status back to single ? since the first time hes done it I do feel insecure cos I want him in my life with our baby I'm kinda scared to go through this alone and I really wanna know what I might have to prepare myself for incase I might have no option but to walk away? Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 he sends them messages saying he misses them and if they still think bout him and miss him too This was really all I needed to read - if my BF did this, I would dump him. But I kept reading and found this gem: trying to win her over by asking of her to meet him And what do you suppose would have gone on if she had in fact met him? Come on, man. and also since our engagement he still uses dating sites chatting girls up when hes sober setting his relationship status back to single You say you want to understand his behaviour like it's all complicated, but it's really not - All you need to understand here is that this guy is looking to hook up with other girls. You know about it and haven't walked away yet, so he also knows he has you right where he wants you, that he can do whatever he wants with no consequences. You are going to be a mother soon, and you can't rely on this guy to help you. You have to be strong now. It's not just about you anymore - do you really want to raise a child with this guy?? What do you suppose the child will learn about how men treat women? Is that a legacy you want to pass on to the next generation? I hope you begin the new year by walking away from this guy. He isn't going to change darlin, I know that's what you are hoping to hear but it won't happen. As far as preparing yourself, I'd recommend a paternity test to prove it's his so he has to pay child support. I'm sorry you're going through this. Link to comment
kel6888 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 This guy does not sound like good news. Link to comment
JJ2980 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Your fear is that he'll leave you to raise your baby by yourself. It's going to happen. You might not initiate the break up but he sure will once he finds the next best thing. Link to comment
niteflyer86 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 I feared as much but he openly revealed to his sister that hes drunken texted an ex before and she believed that hes doing that cos of his insecurities being dumped for no faults of his own and she feels its an attention thing.. maybe she just didnt wanna see me walk away either as she absolutely adores me and think I am the right type of girl for her little brother considering shes never warmed up to any of his previous girlfriends (they have a totally solid relationship) I cant see where I have went wrong why would someone want to do this? I wanted to give him the love and affection he deserved after previous relationships failed him of in the past being treated like he wasnt good enough and finally he met me and maybe im not cut out for what he wants? but seeing as what you have said makes me see the side i kind of hoped i was denying myself of admitting. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Even if you get this guy down the aisle, you'll spend your married life with someone who cheats on you constantly. He is just going to get progressively worse when someone actually bites and starts and affair with him. If you choose to stay - good luck with that. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I'm sure this was a 'surprise' pregnancy when you two hardly knew each other if you've only been dating a year and are 4 months pregnant. So I suspect he is on the one hand trying to 'do the right thing', but on the other hand is really pissed off that he is being tied down with a pregnancy and child that he had no interest in creating at this point in his life... but I think what he is doing with these other girls is a clear sign of where his head REALLY is... he's not ready to settle down and is not really interested in making a commitment to you. He probably doesn't want to pay child support, but feels 'stuck' right now and is just playing it by ear until he figures out how to handle things. He probably doesn't want an upset baby mama (you!), but also probably doesn't really want to be a daddy and is just going thru the motions while trying to hang onto his freedom and chase other women too. So you should NOT marry him if he is showing any signs of not being very committed to both you and the baby. A divorce is expensive and messy, so until you are sure that he will settle down and be faithful, don't do it. And you need to have some SERIOUS talks with him where you tell him that this behavior is not acceptable, and if he is still interested in shagging other women and carrying on affairs, that it is better that you do not move forward with the marriage, and instead just work on ways to peacefully co-parent your child. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Maybe all those other women dumped him because he is a cheater? Sounds like he wants to do what he wants to do and when consequences bite him in the rear, he blames others for it. Bottom line is you just don't propose to your pregnant gf and continue to hunt for new chics to hook up with while proclaiming yourself to be single. There is no excuse for that and he knows better but chooses to do it anyway. Link to comment
toby17 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I know this is silly of me but he leaves his computer on when hes logged in (as we share the uses of pcs in the household) so I seen the messages that popped out on his facebook chats. No, this is a blessing in disguise, and you're getting a chance that most of us don't get and still ignoring it. I am already 15 weeks pregnant with my first child (and his second) Oh my. ... at christmas it was all his idea to officially make it a proper deal by getting a engagement ring to propose his commitment to me... I feel like I make him happy when hes sober he tends to tell him how I am the best thing thats happened to him and he consistently showers me with compliments ... and also since our engagement he still uses dating sites chatting girls up when hes sober setting his relationship status back to single ? ... I really need some opinions on this I really hate not being able to comprehend his actions Really? He's telling you one thing to your face, but doing another. He's doesn't know what he wants and isn't committed despite what he says. since the first time hes done it I do feel insecure cos I want him in my life with our baby I'm kinda scared to go through this alone But he is going to leave eventually. Do you really want to hold on to someone who isn't' sure he wants to be with you. If he walked out on your wedding day, I wouldn't be shocked. I really wanna know what I might have to prepare myself for incase And that's precisely what these fb msgs are allowing you to do - prepare. I might have no option but to walk away? Might? I think you should. I think you're being given the opportunity to do what's best for you right now. Often people say "if only I knew" - you do! Link to comment
savignon Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 and also since our engagement he still uses dating sites chatting girls up when hes sober setting his relationship status back to single Whaaaaatttt????? This is acceptable behavior to you? I'm very confused. The other things were bad enough and clear predictors of what's to come but putting out there that he's single and you're tolerating this? He will not stay with you because he does not respect you. The only way for you to respect YOURSELF is to leave him immediately. If you don't, then neither one of you respect you and what a SHAME that would be!!! He can still be in the baby's life...just not yours. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 wow .... why do u let him treat you this way? Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I still struggle with the fact there are women like you who tolerate this. It really is pathetic.. my only advice is to dump him and move on baby or no baby. I would never stay with a man soo untrustworthy Link to comment
Longview01 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I'm amazed at what you let him get away with. Leave him before he leaves you for someone else Link to comment
niteflyer86 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I'm amazed at what you let him get away with. Leave him before he leaves you for someone else Thats what I thought exactly.... I suppose I was in need of clarifying of my conclusion (didnt wanna just act without thinking this through) I guess I tried to hide this from myself - the truth seeing as I am totally in love with this guy and I thought he felt the same but fool on me to believe such crap all i guess I can do is do whats right by me and my baby Its been a little strained lately feeling insecure and unable to trust in him and us considering I have to check on him its reduced my faith in him and us as a couple I genuinely thought we was meant to be together we seemed a perfect match and to think that I have wrongfully misplaced my affections in someone who doesnt deserve me and what I have to give Link to comment
shelty24 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 A year is not that long. Your likely only discovering the real him now after the honeymoon period. It just sucks that your pregnant but please do not let that hold you back. Many women in your shoes stay in the hope he will change once the baby comes or just coz you dont want to be a single mum. I know its scary but Id rather be alone, a single parent then stay with someone who is gonna crush all my confidence and self esteem, make me incredibly insecure and angry. You cant trust him and what kinda life is that for you? Its also no role model for your child. The stress is not healthy for you or the baby. I recommend you take control of your life, kick him to the curb and have faith in yourself that no matter what you and baby will be fine Link to comment
Longview01 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Thats what I thought exactly.... I suppose I was in need of clarifying of my conclusion (didnt wanna just act without thinking this through) I guess I tried to hide this from myself - the truth seeing as I am totally in love with this guy and I thought he felt the same but fool on me to believe such crap all i guess I can do is do whats right by me and my baby Its been a little strained lately feeling insecure and unable to trust in him and us considering I have to check on him its reduced my faith in him and us as a couple I genuinely thought we was meant to be together we seemed a perfect match and to think that I have wrongfully misplaced my affections in someone who doesnt deserve me and what I have to give I hope everything works out for you and your baby, you story actually made me feel really sad. Link to comment
Liraele Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Uhm. I think I would run, not walk, away from this dude. Drunk texting is stupid, but fairly common. That doesn't make it OK. Getting on dating sites, chatting with girls, and changing his status to single? Red flag. HUGE red flag. Ginormous, gigantic, gigundo, very, very bright red flag waving madly in your face. Don't ignore it. Link to comment
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