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How to get Ex Back (Need Advice Please)


aero2008

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I would VERY much appreciate it if you could answer my question.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me in a rather cruel way. She said that she no longer loves me, and that she doesn't see me in a romantic or sexual way anymore. She said the thought of being intimate with me "makes her sick". We once shared a very intimate, close, loving relationship. Of course I did all the wrong things... I begged, pleaded, and generally gave up a lot of my dignity during the breakup. I didn't cry in front of her or anything like that, but I made myself look desperate to be in a relationship with her, which I now know was a terrible thing to do.

 

We broke up once before when I first went to college. She is 2 years younger than me, and I left for college when she was a junior in high school. She said the distance was causing her to lose feelings, even though I was only an hour and half away from her and came to see her at least once every two weeks. She was the one that broke up with me the first time, and I was a wreck. Eventually, I decided to go no contact (for my sake), and she begged me back into her life after around 2-3 weeks of no contact. I was of course reluctant to give her another chance, after she broke my heart the first time, and I told her that it would take time. We started hanging out (hung out over the entire summer) and things got back to the way they used to be. We started officially dating again in August.

 

Four months later, this December, she broke up with me again, as described above. She promised me when I agreed to date her again that she would never leave me unless I wanted her to. Obviously this was not the case. She says she doesn't love me in the same way anymore and that she only sees me as a friend. This girl was my first love and I was hers. I'm wondering how she could completely lose feelings for me like that after everything we've been through together.

 

What I want to know is: How do I get her back after acting desperate/needy when she broke up with me? What should/can I do to make her love me again? Are there any specific, concrete tactics that I can try in order to rekindle the romance between us and to make her see what she's missing out on?

 

I have gone no-contact for my own sake. I have not contacted her in about a week. The last time I've seen her was about 2.5 weeks ago. I have unfollowed her on Twitter and removed her from Snapchat so that I don't have to see her interactions via social media. It's killing me inside that she might be with another guy or might be talking to another guy.

 

I am wondering whether she will ever contact me and want a relationship with me again? In the meantime I've been trying to move on and work on myself...

 

Thank you so much for reading and for replying!

 

Jon

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You cant make someone love you or get back together with you. If she has lost the feelings then unfortunately there is nothing you can do. I know you don't want to hear this but you need to go NC and stay NC because she does not want to be with you anymore.

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You have to do NC for yourself. It's hard. I'm doing it now. You have to do it for your own well being. Once you get your head out of the fog. You can see clearly and will be in a better place. If someone wants you, they'll do whatever it takes. She doesn't have the desire to. So keep your dignity. Go NC to strengthen yourself. It's hard. But it will all work out on the end.

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I think you just need to accept it's over and move on.

 

The problem is that there is a great distance between you and it caused her to lose her feelings. It sounds like she mistook missing you for loving you and then once you reunited, it looked like things could not be the same.

 

Very sorry for your loss. It is best to keep it moving.

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I believe in third chances i guess i know it's hard I'm going threw it but i will tell you something give her time and never loose faith I've heard a lot of false hopes but the funny thing is when you walk away it causes attraction again not always but it does once i walked away and it's just the curiosity of them wanting to know from you. If the love is strong they will come back i hope you guys get back together but hanging from hope it's not your number one priority you have to heal first let time heal you and do somethings constructive to help you heal first.

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Jon, you're both young. Rather than concentrate on getting her back, I think you should consider becoming the one who got away. Become the best version of yourself.

 

Here are some things to consider:

 

Change your hair - get it cut or grow it out. Doesn't matter. It's a visual change.

Change the way you dress - maybe go for "casual classic". (Never wear athletic shoes unless you're participating in sports...turns so many women off.)

Make a point of meeting new people at every opportunity and be a positive force when you do.

Volunteer in your community, even if just a few hours a month.

Become an expert in something that interests you. Could be local politics or history, local wines, food trucks, anything that's sort of nerdy-cool.

Learn something new. You'll gain confidence...maybe how to play an instrument, French cooking, a foreign language, how to take great digital photographs.

Join a team (think intramural sports). You'll instantly have a wider range of friends and you'll meet interesting people.

Go on an adventure - could be a big trip, could be a road trip, could be an afternoon in the town down the road. Just go find a new place every now and then.

 

 

You may or may not re-attract her, but at least you'll be living with full awareness and purpose that doesn't involve living for someone else.

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Thank you guys for the replies. I just don't know what went wrong... I did everything I could to make her happy...

 

It's so hard knowing that she doesn't love me anymore, and I can't help but think there's something wrong with me and the way I handled things. I wish there was some way to reignite the spark and make her remember all the reasons she started loving me in the first place.

 

I just don't know how she could lose feelings for me after being with me for three years... I had once thought of us having a fulfilling future together... I am kicking myself and loathing myself over the fact that I chose to go to the college I did that was an hour and a half away from her and not a closer one that was closer to where she lives. On the other hand though, I didn't want to choose my college based on her...

 

I just want her back more than anything... we had so much going for us.

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That thinking shows that you are quite young. Relationships can and do end and doing everything you could has nothing to do with it. The relationship ended once before and you didn't really take the time during the breakup to really understand the isues and thinking about whether they had been resolved before getting back together.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem more focused on feelings than really understanding situations.

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I don't disagree with you. I'm 19. She's 17. How should I focus on the situation as you say rather than feelings?

 

We had agreed to talk on the phone and video chat more often when we got back together (she never liked talking on the phone), but she didn't hold up to her end of this. I would always call her or suggest we video chat and she would always say she was busy or didn't feel good and would rather text. I feel like I was doing my part to remedy the distance issue but she wasn't willing to put in the required work. Dedication is very important in a relationship, and she wasn't as dedicated as I was.

 

It's so unfortunate it had to end up like this. Should I try contacting her after a month? Or just wait for her to contact me? Or never talk to her again?

 

I'm just trying to cope and move on. I don't want to gravitate to the hope of us getting back together just to be let down. Therefore I'm trying to move on and enjoy life in the meantime.

 

Thanks Ms. Darcy and everyone else.

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