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I'm in love with someone who says he loves me and his ex... will he choose me?


verysad42

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Please help me... I don't know what to do and am in a horrible situation. Thank you in advance for your time in reading this.

 

Over a year ago, I fell in love at first sight with a guy I believed was the One. He was a sweet, handsome, hilarious guy, doctor, 32, and we had an unbelievable connection... truly my dream guy, the 'One'. A week after meeting him and talking non-stop, he and I ended up hooking up at his place, but while we were in his bed he suddenly revealed - "I can't, I have a girlfriend".

 

Of course I was completely horrified. How could someone cheat so callously... with his girlfriend of three years nonetheless. I started crying and told him that he should not speak to me until he was single, and I meant it. Cheating is completely against my values. I was disgusted and so disappointed... yet I still cared so much for him.

 

2 weeks later he contacted me telling me that he was single. He needed some time to process the end of the relationship but implied that we would start dating soon... I was so happy, I really was falling hard for this guy and I couldn't wait to be with him. I believed he was a good person, and I loved him already.

 

One year goes by.... we became intimate quickly, he and I get very close emotionally, but he always keeps me at a distance. Never once takes me on a date. Is emotionally unavailable but makes it clear that he needs me in his life, and that we still might date in the future. I meanwhile feel led on and confused because I just don't know why he doesn't want to date me. I feel horrible about it, about myself, and don't understand him. He moved to another state half way through last year, but we kept talking, and he kept talking about us in the future... but none of his actions back up his words (for example, he never once visited me after he moved away).

 

Fast forward to last month. Searching on Instagram, I find a picture that his sister posted - 'my brother and his girlfriend on Christmas'... implying that he was still in a relationship with her after he told me it had ended. I was devastated again. I emailed him about it and accused him of cheating and lying to me the entire time - I told him I wasn't sure if I could believe anything he ever said to me. Words can't describe how painful this was, and still is for me.

 

He replied with a six page long letter explaining himself - how he was not in a relationship but his sister didn't know their status, how although him and his gf were technically broken up they maintained a 'close relationship' throughout the year (which he never told me about), and how he feels like he loves two women - me and her - and how it's made his life a 'living hell' for the past two years. This is the first time he ever said 'I love you' to me. He begged for my forgiveness for lying to me and leading me on. He said he still hopes that one day he would be with me.

 

We are now not speaking, and haven't spoken for a month. Last time we spoke he said that he would only contact me again once he's ready to be a committed relationship with me and he's fully over his 'ex'. I am so hurt, I can't sleep or eat, and I can't stop thinking about him - the betrayal, the lies, and how much I still love him. I am so incredibly depressed.

 

What's worse is that I can't help but stalk his family and his gf on Facebook (he's not on it).... I saw that on just this past Saturday his parents and him, and his girlfriend (ex?) went to dinner together. His parents are always liking her photos and vice versa. They are clearly very close. I feel like he's not rally trying to get over her or end things with her.... otherwise why are they having dinner together?

 

Words can't describe how horrible I'm feeling right now. I feel like the 'Other Woman' and I hate it - I don't like being this person. I wanted him to do the right thing and be honest with her about what happened. I hate feeling like I'm just waiting for him to finally be with me.... I still want it to happen so badly because I love him still. Intellectually I know that what he did was wrong, but I can't stop feeling sick to my stomach that he won't end up with me.

 

Now my question is... what do you think will happen? Will he ever leave her, get over her, and be with me? Will he just stay with her? All I want is to be with him. I miss him so much. I am so sad, please help me.

 

Thank you again.

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Why do you want to be with a guy who cheats? He was definitely still with the girlfriend when you two continued.

 

Don't you think you deserve better than a person like that? It doesn't matter how caring, loving, smart, funny someone is, if they are a cheat then you are destined to be cheated on. I think he is still with the other women.

 

You two have been in NC and you should keep it that way. when he contacts you just ignore him. He will only cheat on you, you will never trust him.

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I'm sorry to be frank, but I don't think he has any intention of leaving her to be with you. Unfortunately, it sounds as though you are the other woman. If he wanted to be with you - he would be. He has been stringing you along knowing that you will eat up whatever he tells you and that you will be there when he wants you to be. Beyond that, if he could do this kind of thing to his current girlfriend it's likely that he would do the same thing to you should you ever actually end up together. Do you really want that?

 

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to ditch this guy ASAP.

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You need to get to know people before you decide you love them or this will be a pattern for you. You liked him superficially, but in reality he's a selfish liar. Now, why do you care so little for yourself as to decide you'll tie yor love to just anybody who you don't even know?

 

As for the future of a relationship with him, forget it. He's treated you way too poorly and shown he should not be trusted by anyone but a fool with zero self esteem. Stay away from him.

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I'm sorry to say this, but she isn't his ex. You are the other woman and you are cheating and going against your values if you stay with him. He's not taking you on dates and is remaining distant, because he does not want it to get back to his girlfriend that he's been seen out with another woman--you. And he's lying through his teeth about the whole thing. His sister posted a picture of the two of them together on Instagram, because they are together. They are a couple, you and he are not. As much as you don't want to admit it or hear it, he is indeed a cheater and a liar. You've fallen for the oldest line in the book about how they are an ex, how they will leave/have left/just need time/family and friends are lying about the relationship they have with girlfriend/wife/significant other blah-blah-blah. Lie-lie-lie and insert another lie or fifty to cover his a**.

 

The cold hard facts are when someone keeps you a secret it's because you are a secret. You should have told him when when he showed up to tell you he'd left her that you don't do cheaters and slammed the door in his face. In pursuing you to begin with while he was still with her and taking you to bed while he was still with her he told you literally every single thing you need to know about him--he's a cheat and a liar who will betray the one he claims to love to satisfy whatever impulse or want he has. This isn't someone who deserves anyone's love, let alone yours. You know this and so does he deep down although he's way too selfish to ever admit that.

 

Your only way out of this is to decide no matter what you feel for this guy he's lied to you and let you fall for someone who doesn't exist. And then to leave and go NC, because it's never going to get any better than it is right now and that'll last until his girlfriend realizes his stories aren't adding up and she finds you.

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She is not his ex and you are the other woman. It's clear as day.

 

The guy cheated on his long term girlfriend with you, and would like to keep doing so with you (and probably with other women too) for as long as you'll let him. Surely you can see that?

 

You are wasting your life waiting for a cheater to choose you. He may indeed come to you, if his girlfriend dumps him and he has no other option to get some sex, but he won't come to you because he loves you or anything remotely similar. You are not the choice, you are one of his options. And you can bet he will cheat on you just like he cheated on his girlfriend.

 

You really need to stop and figure out why is your happiness dependant on a guy who is in love with someone else other than you and who is telling you he has to choose between you and her. Why the lack of self love and self respect? You need to work on that before you are able to have a fulfilling relationship with a truly amazing man (and this guy is quite the opposite of amazing).

 

Take off the rose colored glasses, start eating and living your life, because you aren't getting a second chance to redo any part of your life. Work on yourself and put yourself out there, so you can eventually meet a guy who will only want to be with you as a choice, not as an option.

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You seriously need to stop listening to empty words and start paying attention to actions. He took you to bed even though he is not single. You should have slammed the door right there and then on him. He showed you who he is. Instead you decided to leave it open for him to come back. So he did with a boat load of lies. He lied, you believed, while totally ignoring that this guy is hiding you, not taking you out, being totally shady, etc. As they say, there is your clue that he is cheating.

 

You saw a pic posted of him and his gf and yet instead of going with what you see, you are again buying what lies he tells you. At this point you are just being plain naive. She is not his ex, he is not spending time with her and family as friends, you need to get that. He is a classic cheater. Has one woman publicly and who knows how many on the side.

 

Basically, you are willfully ignoring what's in your face in bright flashing neon lights - he is a cheater and you are the side dish. There is nothing to like, let alone love about this creep.

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