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Confused and Hurt NC or not?


skymanhattan

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Brief story.

 

Was with a guy for a year. He began to bring up marriage and starting a family. We got into a huge debate. It lasted for 2 days we eventually broke up after he told me not to call him again.

I immediately went NC. During this period, he called, texted and messaged me on FB. He sent numerous I love/miss you texts for 3 months. After his final text. I was able to respond. To my surprise, the moment I did he was very nonchalant and dismissive. He expressed his anger with me for ignoring his attempt to reach me. But I needed time to heal. He was totally different from the messages be sent me over the past months. I asked what was the purpose of him texting/calling. He said he wanted to be friends. But he would constantly ask me if I was dating anyone.

This confused me but didn't let it bother me. He was hot and cold. Saying that be really loved me and I really hurt him for disappearing. But we broke up and he told me not to call. Wth?

 

Few weeks ago I had a chance to meet with him., we went out. It was like old times. But since then he has been so distant. It's like he had a major wall up. So I don't call or text. Finally we met at his house. We had a heated argument. Not sure what started it. He then said that we will never be together. I didn't even ask. He said he didnt care if I dated snyone and didn't care if we spoke again. After that it went downhill. We both acted really ugly. I left

 

After I calmed down I became embarrassed in my actions. I sent him a text. It was brief.

4 sentence apology for my part. He responded the following day with a simple "OK".

 

I think I ruined any potential friendship/relationship with him. I'm sorta down about it. I Didn't want our last interaction to be like this. I fear I have lost him forever.

 

If I go back NC I'm sure that he'll never care. But I know if I reach out to him again, I'll just look desperate.

What do I do?

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It sounds like NC is the best option right now. The dust needs to settle and once it does (which could take some time), you should have a clearer understanding of what you want to do. Who knows, maybe in time without any contact you'll realize that not being together is the best thing for the both of you. I would cut your ties and give yourself time to think things through.

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Was with a guy for a year. He began to bring up marriage and starting a family. We got into a huge debate. It lasted for 2 days we eventually broke up after he told me not to call him again.

 

Sounds like this brought out some major incompatibilities into the open. Whatever caused this long drawn out fight, I think you need to focus on that. A conversation about marriage and kids doesn't lead to a huge two day fight and a break up when people are actually compatible with each other.

 

What was your point in replying after three months? Either you should have talked earlier and reached some kind of closure or you should have told him to take a hike in no uncertain terms. Instead you just ignored and ignored, which was rude. You go total NC when you are totally done and intend to move on no matter what. You don't go NC, then months later suddenly respond and act surprised that the other person is cold to you now. By the way, he did not want to be friends, he wanted more.

 

So you met and got into another huge fight. Maybe that's another sign to you that you two are just not that good together, when it comes to handling important things in life. The bottom line is that you don't want to keep ex's as friends. It's a really good way to stay embroiled in drama and keep people and relationships that actually would be good for you away. When you break up and you know you want it to be over, move on and keep moving on. Don't backtrack precisely because no good is likely to ever come of it.

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Milly,

Thank yo so much. I've done it Before so I have no issues in going NC again. It's just hard. I hate we ended up arguing. All the resistance from him just came to a head. And I exploded. I looked so weak, desperate after I left. Ugh, I'm so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to show. But you live and learn. Today I had an urge to reach out to see if we could talk. But I know NC is the best. Just can't believe how he was constantly texting me when u was NC and then acted different the day I responded.

 

Thank you for your insight

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Hi Dancing,

 

We talked about it early on in the relationshipand throughout about marriage. I was giving background info to display how serious or relationship was. So no, the convo about our future didn't start a 2 day argument. Sorry for the confusion.

 

You said I was rude. But if you tell me never to call you, never to speak to you. I'm only doing what you ask. So no, I don't see it as rude at all. .

 

I make no apologies for not responding to him. I was hurt and needed my space after the split. I responded after he texted another I love you. So at that point I was emotionally able to speak.

 

I do believe I should go my separate way. After I apologized to him, I'm confident that this is what's best. I'm just very disappointed in the way it ended. Thanks for your response.

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Milly,

Thank yo so much. I've done it Before so I have no issues in going NC again. It's just hard. I hate we ended up arguing. All the resistance from him just came to a head. And I exploded. I looked so weak, desperate after I left. Ugh, I'm so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to show. But you live and learn. Today I had an urge to reach out to see if we could talk. But I know NC is the best. Just can't believe how he was constantly texting me when u was NC and then acted different the day I responded.

 

Thank you for your insight

 

I know...it can be quite difficult cutting off contact with someone you care about, but it sounds like your best option right now. I do think that the only way to look at this clearly is to step back and let the dust settle, while keeping no contact. It sounds like emotions are running high for the both of you right now, so contacting him at this point could add fuel to the fire.

 

Good luck to you! You are going to get through this. You just have to give yourself some time to heal.

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It is pretty much imposssible to be a 'friend' anyways- until you are BOTH over the relationship/break up.

I was in a LTR and cannot be a friend with my ex until I am no longer with feelings for him- which can take months, a year w/e.

 

In a way it sounds like how someone would act out, as they're 'weaning themselves' off the relationship.

The occasional texts.. I miss you, etc. (all little nothings).

 

So- best for you to just move on & leave it all alone now. Work on YOU, accepting what's happened, deal with the pain & emotions to follow and work on moving on again in your life.

Have no more to do with him... give it time and maybe in months down the road, can you two look at being 'friends', again.

 

tc

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U are so right.

Just keep beating myself up for the fight. Seeming desperate. Ugh. But I'll be able to look at it and laugh one of these days. But for now feeling pretty silly. I really miss him. I feel good about sending the apology text. But again, only got the 1 word reply.

I should have stayed NC.

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I almost broke down and called him. Ugh. I miss him so much. I just accepted an invite to go on a date with a guy. I thought it would help me. But instead its making me miss him even more.

 

Be strong! I don't know that going on a date with someone is a good idea when you're in this state. That poor guy won't have a chance.

 

I want you to do something. Make a list of all the thoughtless, insulting, crazy, stupid things he did and said to you - just in the hot/cold breakup, there are several things for the list. Write them all out in a list (chronology doesn't matter). When you're tempted to make contact, pull the list out. It'll remind you of the type of man he is. Do you want to sign up for more of that?

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I almost broke down and called him. Ugh. I miss him so much. I just accepted an invite to go on a date with a guy. I thought it would help me. But instead its making me miss him even more.

That poor fellow. It's unfair for him if you're using him as a tool to get over your ex. How would you feel if a guy asks you out for that purpose?

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I know you're hurting right now, OP, but going on a date with a guy who doesn't understand your situation right now won't help things! I agree with the others posts here that it's unfair for you to be doing this. I realize that we all have our own way of dealing with things, but this poor guy you're going out with might be getting his hopes up for this date (and I'm sure he is).

 

I do think that you need time for yourself right now to let the dust settle. You are vulnerable and not in the best state of mind to be going out on dates, in my opinion.

 

Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

 

Give yourself time to recover and let the heart heal.

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To be honest and learning from my experience, when someone is insisting on this (which, btw, seems quite irrelevant given how you presented your story...), I tend to assume that they feel guilty but don't want to tell you about it...

I think you should maintain NC for the moment and try to recover from this break up. The truth will come in due time, don't worry (it's pretty difficult to live with a feeling of guilt, he will probably let you know one day or another but you need to stick to NC in order to let him face it ALONE)...

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